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Hermione POV
Ironically I get partnered with Phae for potions now. I look at Pansy as I walk to the back of the classroom, expecting to see a familiar Parkinson smirk but instead she just has her eyes adjusted firmly on her notes. She clenches her first as I walk past. I slide into my seat next to Phae who just looks at me evenly with an expression that I can't really discern. For the first time I notice her eyes are a faint amber and as I survey the features of her face out of the corner of my own brown eyes I have the startling realization that Phae is quite pretty. I had never noticed before and even now I think her looks are something you can only really see up close. I clench my just, mimicking Pansy's own action from before. There's something about those amber eyes that bother me, not necessarily Phae herself, but the idea of Pansy staring into them. I touch my finger to the bridge of my nose as if my own plain brown eyes now have begun to worry me.
But I need to stop thinking about Pansy, need to stop thinking about her spending the last week with Phae. I haven't seen them apart and part of me wants to be so self-centered as to believe that her companionship with Phae is directly related to me, but part of me thinks that maybe the Parkinson from my past years has returned.
Phae coughs next to me and I blink rapidly, momentarily stunned out of my thoughts.
"What is your deal?" She enunciates the words slowly.
"Sorry?" My cheeks flush.
"You were just staring at me for like five minutes straight."
"Umm." But I don't know what else to say, all I can think of is her telling Pansy about me staring at her. I think of Pansy laughing and saying some awful thing about me and…
"What the fuck?" Phae is glaring at me. I've zoned out again. "Aren't you supposed to be top in our school or whatever."
"Pretty sure you took that title." I mumble.
Phae laughs and at first I think it's taunting but then she says, "no way. I scored a decent score on some tests. You defeated fucking voldemort." I'm startled by her use of the name. Most people are still wary. "That's got to count for more than a couple A's."
"Ummm," I can't tell if she's being nice or just leading me on. "Thanks."
"I was there that night too." She laughs when she sees my surprised expression. "Yeah, yeah I know most people don't like talking about it. But how's anyone supposed to move on when we can't even speak about that night without having someone burst into tears. You know…" she leans closer to me so that her lips are almost at my neck. "Most people who are all upset are the ones who went over to Voldemort's side. There's a lot more than you think.." She leans back. "They're just scared they're going to get caught. But I can give you names if you want."
"What?" I stammer. It's one of the only times I haven't been in control of a conversation. "Why would I want names?"
"I dunno." She makes a face. "But I have them."
"How is anyone supposed to move on when you're so intent on punishing people?" I state boldly attempting to regain the upper-hand. Though honestly I'm never sure I had it.
She pauses for a moment and doesn't answer my question when she speaks again. "I don't even know what we're all supposed to be moving on from."
"Class dismissed!" I hear Slughorn's voice sound from the front of the room.
"See ya!" She smirks at me and stands up, I'm still confused at her statement, so I struggle to quickly collect all of my books in my bag.
"Wait!" I sprint out of the classroom and call out to her.
She spins around and as she does the girl next to her glances back. Fuck it's Pansy.
Phae lifts her eyebrows. "Yes?"
"What did you mean you don't know what we should have moved on from?"
"Let's go." Pansy mumbles to Phae. Her eyes are locked on the floor much like they were on her notebook. Anything to not look at me.
Phae grins. "I meant what I said."
I fight the urge to roll my eyes at her children's book expression.
"Phae." Pansy tugs on her robe, trying to walk away. But Phae stands perfectly still.
"You know, Pansy and I were heading to the quidditch pitch to practice for our game on Thursday. You can come if you want?"
"Hermione hates flying." Pansy interjects, still avoiding meeting my eyes.
I stare directly back at her. "I'd love to come."
Phae just laughs.
When we reach the pitch Pansy and Phae collect their broomsticks from the storage units of both their respective teams. Phae stares at my empty hands.
"Do you not own a broom?"
"I told you." Pansy sounds exasperated. "She hates flying." And with that she pushes off the ground and levitates in the air.
"I'll just wait here." I smile at Phae. I'm not exactly sure why I am here but I tell myself it's because I need to figure out Phae. Honestly though part of me knows I'm here because I need to figure out Pansy.
"Don't be silly." Phae grabs my hand and I flinch at how different hers is than Pansy's. It's like grabbing stone, smooth and varnished. "Ride with me."
I can feel Pansy's disapproval radiating from above us.
"No, really I'm fine.." I feel slightly sick to my stomach.
"No really ride with me." Phae repeats.
"Leave her alone Phae." Pansy interjects. I can't tell if her words are mean or kind.
But Phae's grip tightens around my own. She pulls me into her. "I'll tell you what I meant. I'll tell you everything you want to know."
I open my mouth to object but no sound comes out and Phae has dragged me onto her broomstick. She pushes off the ground and my stomach lurches. She giggles. "Hold on."
We reach Pansy who now stares directly at me. "What is this Phae?" Her words are laced with a degree of bile.
"A joyride."
Pansy flys closely next to us so that I could reach out and touch her. "Let her go back down. She hates flying I told you."
So she was being kind, I think. Or is that too presumptuous?
"No fun." Phae drawls. "Anyways Hermione and I are having a very interesting conversation aren't we?"
I open my mouth to speak but quickly have to close it for fear I might gag at how high up we are. Despite the fact that I've flown with Harry and Ron before and been relatively fine, though greatly uneasy, I feel far worse with Phae. I feel unsafe.
"Hermione," Pansy says. I look at her and it's the first time both of us have locked eyes since our argument at Hagrid's. Her eyes look pleading and I'm surprised by the degree of emotion displayed by the slight twitches on her face. "You can come on my broom." She reaches out a hand to me and flies even closer so that she is immediately next to Phae. I hear Phae mumble something under her breath. Pansy locks her hand on my shoulder and begins helping me off Phae's broom, but before I can swing my legs over, Pansy is thrown back and slips off her broomstick. I immediately reach my hand out to her, but the motion throws mine and Phae's broomstick off balance and I hear Phae shout "fuck!" before steering us directly upwards. I start sliding off the back and glance below me to Pansy's broomstick but I don't see her or the broom. Phae's hand grabs my left arm and steadies me, she presses forward and evens us out. We jolt straight forward, as I seek the ground below me I feel sick. I can't see anything, can't see the pitch, the ground or Pansy.
"Fuck!" I scream but Phae just laughs. "Phae!" I shout.
"Calm down Granger. We're having fun." She giggles again.
"You hexed Pansy off that broom!" I shout against the wind.
"Maybe." Her eyes are locked on the sky in front of her so I can't see her expression, can't see if she is lying.
"Are you insane!" I scream.
"Are you stupid?" Phase's own voice is calm. "I did it for you. She had it coming. It was only a matter of time before someone did something to her." She laughs.
"You did it for me?"
"Obviously. Pansy hates you."
At this my heart stops racing and just drops. Phae seems to sense my change in rate and jolts the broom to a halt.
"Oh don't be such a wimp." She says turning to face me. "It was just a joke. I hit her with a levitating spell as well. She's fine."
I feel a coolness spread back into my veins.
"Aren't you two friends?"
"Obviously." Phae retorts. "She was in on it."
"What?" The fire returns to my blood.
"Yeah. It was her idea actually to prank you."
But before I can continue Phae's expression begins to slip from her face, dropping her cheeks and narrowing her eyes. She looks startled, looks afraid, keeps looking directly past me. I whip my head around to see what Phae has seen but the fog obstructs my view.
Suddenly, Phae's broom is knocked upwards. Phae grabs the top and pulls herself up. I reach desperately for the bottom of the broom and Phae turns down to me, holding the top of the broom with one hand and extending her hand toward mine. I link my own fingers in hers, her hand is stained with sweat and I can feel my fingers sliding out of hers as she grimaces and attempts to pull me upwards.
The broom spins again, hit by something, and Phae's fingers are torn off mine. She screams as I'm thrown backwards. I stick out my hand desperately to grab hers, to grab the broom, to grab anything, but my arm sweeps through the air without contact. I scream and in return I hear my own name called from above.
"Phae!" I cry back. But the voice that calls again isn't hers.
"Granger!"
"Pansy." This time though my words are soft and my eyes cloud over. I can't see anything, can't feel anything in front or behind me. Out of all the sensations to have when one is dying, feeling nothing is perhaps the most frightening.
They say the last of the senses to go is your hearing, figures that it is also the first to come back.
"Hermione!" Someone shouts as I strain to open my eyes. "Hermione!"
"Merlin stand back and let the poor girl come to."
But I've recognized the first voice and I call out for her to speak again.
"Pansy…" I mumble.
Someone's fingers slide through my own and at their cold touch I recognize them as her's.
"You're okay?" I say slowly.
She laughs and I open my eyes to see her perched on my bed.
"I should be asking you that. You fell from like five hundred feet."
"You fell too."
"Nope." She smiles softly. "Hit me with a levitation spell the bitch."
Phaedra's words rush back to me. I pull my hand out of Pansy's and her smile falters.
"What's wrong?" She asks softly. "Do you want me to go?"
"I dunno. That depends. Are you the reason I'm lying here?" Pansy looks as if she doesn't quite understand me or what to say and she desperately looks at the nurse who is standing awkwardly to the side of us. She takes a step closer to us.
"Yes, Miss Granger. Miss Parkinson is the reason you're here."
Pansy blushes and looks down at her hands reaching them to mine again.
"Are you crazy!" I yank them back. "You tried to kill me!"
"What!" Pansy leers back. "I saved you."
"Miss Granger." The nurse interjects. "You must be confused from your fall, but Miss Parkinson here was the one who caught you and brought you in."
It's my turn to blush and I struggle to reach Pansy's eyes with my own. I slide my hands across the bed expecting to meet hers but she has already stuffed them back in her robes.
"I'm sorry." I say softly to her. She is staring at the wall.
"It's fine." But her face is red and she looks as if she has been hit by a bludger.
"No Pansy." I touch her shoulder gently. "Not just for that but for everything. Bringing you to Hagrid's and messing up and…."
"You didn't mess anything up." She mumbles. "I did like six years ago."
"Maybe we both need to stop fucking up with each other." This elicits a small smile from her and she turns to me.
"You were right at Hagrid's though." She says. "Phae is apparently a lunatic." She sighs. "Wish Buckbeak had ripped her arm off."
I laugh at this and she grins.
"What will happen to her?" Pansy is still looking at me but I can tell her words are directed at the nurse. "What will happen?" She repeats again and the nurse realizes she is being spoken to.
"Who?"
Pansy swivels her head. "Um Phae." She says slowly. "You know the girl who tried to kill us."
The nurse stares at Pansy blankly.
"What?'
"Phaedra." I say, realizing I don't know the girl's last name. "She's in Ravenclaw. She hexed Pansy off her broom. What happened to her?"
The nurse looks oddly at us. "I don't think anything has happened to someone by that name."
"Well she can't have just gone back to class!" Pansy stands up. "Shouldn't she be punished?"
"Wait," the nurse says. "Did you say she was there as well on the brooms?"
Pansy stares at her indignantly. "Yeah that's what I told you coming in here after I almost fell two hundred fucking feet."
"Pansy" I quickly interject.
The nurse looks taken aback. "Miss Parkinson!"
"Well!" Pansy shouts.
"I'm going to have to examine you both for head trauma." The nurse speaks walking away.
"What are you talking about?" I say quickly before Pansy, who looks like she would like to push the nurse off a broom, can speak again.
"Miss Granger I can assure you that no one by the name Phaedra was with you two, let alone tried to kill you!"
"So we what?" Pansy sneers. "Fell magically out of the sky."
"Your talent on a broomstick is none of my concern." The nurse states evenly.
"Fuck this!" Pansy shouts moving off the bed. I grab her arm and pull her back. My hand seems to relax the tension in her arm.
"What we're just a bit confused about," I say slowly to the nurse who is now glaring at the both of us, "is that Phae was most definitely there. I saw her hex Pansy and she nearly killed me on the broomstick."
The nurse remains stoic, "Miss Granger I can assure you that the accident that happened between you and Miss Parkinson was an unfortunate result of the fog and," she glares at Pansy, "a result of Miss Parkinson's flying ability."
I open my mouth to respond but the nurse has clearly heard enough from the both of us and promptly turns on her heels to leave the room. Left alone Pansy turns to me, "What the hell was that?"
"I don't know." I say cautiously. "Maybe Phae is denying it ever happened."
But Pansy shakes her head, "No, that's impossible. Even if she had Madam Hooch saw the whole thing. She came over after hearing the screams and saw Phae land behind me. I mean Mcgonagall came and fucking interviewed me about the incident yesterday! I told her everything, the hex, how I had to fly to catch up with you and when I tried to pull you off that broomstick, Phae attacked me and the broom went spiraling out of control. That's when you fell. Mcgonagall said she would take care of it."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Well obviously!" Pansy exclaims. She looks down at me and perches back on the bed. "Sorry. I just feel like I'm going insane. Did any of this even happen?" She presses her fingers to her temple.
"You're not." I grab her hand. "Trust me it happened."
"Then what's going on?" Her voice is soft and it's the most vulnerable I've heard Pansy.
I start to say I don't know, but change my mind and instead just say, "We'll figure it out." I give a half-hearted smile.
"Okay." She looks at me with hesitation. "Whatever you say." She pauses and then continues, "I'm sorry too."
"For what? Saving my life?"
"No. For you know, the whole thing at Hagrid's…." she trails off. "You were obviously right."
I smile. "I can see why you wouldn't trust me…."
But Pansy cuts me off before I can finish. "I'm sorry for calling you a mudblood." Her voice comes out muddled and I can barely make out what she says but the word at the end sticks out.
"Fuck." She drops her eyes. "Hermione."
"Oh." I just say plainly. Ever since I was in second year and Draco had started the whole trend of his gang using the word against me I had sometimes allowed myself to think about and imagine all of them apologizing to me, begging me, telling me how wrong they were. Now I just want Pansy to stop talking.
"My great-great grandfather," she goes on still speaking at an up-tempo, "tried to ban wizards marrying muggles. It didn't work obviously." She looks at the ground. "But it worked on our family."
"What did?" I ask and my voice feels hoarse.
"All the anti-muggle sentiment. My parents wouldn't even let me read books written by muggles. I don't think I've ever seen a movie." She laughs slightly though her throat too sounds constricted. "Did you mean what you said that night on the astronomy tower, that I would like the muggle world?"
"I don't know." I fidget. I want to say yes, but the memories of the past override my present desire.
"I don't want them to be right about me." I'm not sure who she means exactly and for a moment I feel a rush of pain for this girl on my bed who has lived her life so defined by other people that she seems just a particle of someone else's ideas. At least I always had the opportunity to decide who I wanted to be, just like Harry decided he wanted to be in Gryffindor.
"I mean you did save me." I try in an attempt to make her feel better but judging by the expression on her face it falls flat.
"What do your parents do?" She asks and I'm a bit surprised at the question.
"Oh umm they're dentists."
She nods and doesn't ask any more questions which I find odd, most wizards have thousands of follow-up questions. Unless of course, they're prejudiced, in which case they show a complete lack of care. I worry that is what Pansy is doing now but she speaks again interrupting my concerns.
"I didn't go back." She says. "After the battle I just didn't go home. I stayed with Draco for a little, but that's one of the reasons I came back here so suddenly. I just didn't have anywhere else to go."
I feel the familiar sense of sympathy and run my thumb over the back of her hand.
"Why didn't you go back?"
"Dunno." But the way she smiles after she says it gives hint she does know. "I just got so fucking sick of it. The intolerance. Anyways, they wouldn't have wanted me back. They were devastated I didn't fight for Voldemort."
"Pansy," I squirm and manage to sit up despite the pain in my lower back. "You don't have to answer this, but why didn't you?"
She looks as if she has been expecting the question because she has no visible reaction .
"I was too scared." She gasps slightly in and I can tell she is trying not to cry. "And all my friends were here." She stares at her hands.
"You're right about the last part." I start and she looks at me. "You didn't fight because you couldn't bring yourself to do it. It takes a certain amount of bravery to stand against something."
"Yeah but I didn't exactly stand for anything either."
"Yes you did." I smile at her and she looks at me as if she's never seen me before, which I guess we haven't seen each other like this.
"You believe that?" She asks.
"Absolutely."
I reach my arms around her back and pull her into me. She collapses against me chest as if It has taken all her energy to speak what she has just revealed. I lean my head against her shoulder.
"It's okay." I whisper to her.
"Hermione," I can tell she is crying now. "You have to believe me, if I could go back and fight for you on the right side, if I could go back and not try to turn Potter in, I would do it. I would give anything to be able to take that night back."
I pull her in tighter and then my arms freeze around her. I feel my own heart quicken against hers. A coolness spreads across my face and I feel the same sense of dread I did each day when I was with Harry and Ron last year, the same sense of fear.
Because now I know what Phae has done, what she is doing, what she will do. They're all the same.
I pull away from Pansy suddenly, and she looks at me slightly surprised.
"Oh my god," I say to her. "Oh my god Pansy you've figured it out."