It had never occurred to Nico to call himself a coward. He was used to being the first one into battle, throwing himself at danger in reckless ways because death was not something that scared him. Death was easy. Death was simple, and it was final. He never needed to worry about what would happen to him after the inevitable, he was familiar with the Underworld and he was familiar with the room waiting for him in his father's palace. Nico knew that one day that room would be home and so the thought of dying valiantly in battle never scared him.
Until he met Will.
Now death seemed a lot more final. It was frightening not because of what would happen when he was dead but because of what he would be missing by not being alive. His fears were not about the end, but about a story being left unfinished with so many pages left to be written.
He wasn't a coward. He was a warrior, someone feared and respected by both the living and the dead but walking away from the California coastline, Nico felt like none of those things.
He deserves better than this, Nico's mind echoed, his skin crawling and something hot burning behind his eyes. He was tired of insecurities, even more so because now when they came to sit on his shoulders there was a voice that sounded (unsurprisingly) like Will's to tell them they were all wrong. Nico didn't even believe in most of the things they said anymore. The voices that hissed you're not good enough, you're worthless weren't as loud as they used to be because there were other voices fighting back with I am good enough, you don't decide what I'm worth.
But it was chaos. It all sounded like madness and somewhere, miles from where the beach was, Nico dropped down onto a curb and held his head in his hands to try and quiet the noise.
You're nothing – Don't listen to this bullshit. They hate you – Only because you tried to make them. You were never good enough for him – he's the best thing that has ever happened to you. What's so great about him anyway? – He's the best friend you've ever had.
Nico dug his fingers into the roots of his hair and shook his head, trying to mute the racket. It used to be so quiet, so painfully quiet but at least he hadn't felt insane. Now it was noise, noise, noise and a constant battle of what he was and what he wasn't.
It was exhausting, and he wasn't confident that all the noise was better than the silence he had before.
Nico took a deep breath and looked up at the unfamiliar street. It looked like the sort of place Will and he might have walked by once or twice but there wasn't anything memorable or notable about it. There was no reason for him to be there. He could go to Camp Jupiter. He hadn't seen Hazel for a few weeks and he knew she probably wouldn't ask too many questions if he turned up unexpectedly. He could go back to Camp Half-Blood where maybe Chiron might make a passing comment, but he was sure he could stay out of sight for a few days. He didn't have to sit with the noise filling his head, but there was something gluing his feet to the concrete and holding him in place.
There were places he could go. He no longer existed in a world where he had no one to run to or no place to go. In fact, there were several places, several people who would welcome him in, it was just that despite all these things, there was still one place, one person who sat above the rest.
And what do you do when you're running from that person? Nico thought. What do you do when the only person you want to turn to is the one you turned away from?
He groaned outwardly and knocked his fist into the ground.
Will was his safe place– his comfort zone. Their friendship gave him strength and the knowledge of Will always, always being there for him made the world a comfortable place. Nico hadn't had a best friend before, he had only had his sister, but learning how to be someone else's friend wasn't all that easy or even completely intuitive. There were some similarities, like the trust and comfort of a sibling, but then there was something completely different, something that made his heart forget its pattern and his hands want to reach out and touch.
Most of the time those thoughts (those touch thoughts) were quickly pushed aside because the implications were dangerous and Nico wasn't ready to lose something he just found.
Because that's what happens, you know. The things you love always leave you – No, they were stolen. They would have never left you by choice.
You can leave him before he leaves you – Would facing him really be so bad?
Nico's mind quieted. It felt strange, like the thought of facing Will should have been frightening but then wasn't actually terrifying at all. The conversation was certainly something he would like to avoid, but it didn't make him all that uneasy. He knew he could leave, but it wasn't what he wanted because no matter how bad the argument Will and he would have, it wasn't the worst thing he could think of.
Not talking to him, never being able to be close to him again sounded a lot, lot worse.
The acknowledgement brought on its own repercussions. A different set of voices spat at him and made him feel too dependent, too reliant. Nico didn't need anyone. He was a child of Hades; the world of the living wasn't really his home anyway. His power came from the dead. The darkness and the shadows were where he belonged. People like Will, made of sunshine and summer, weren't the type of people he belonged with. Nico wasn't meant to be able to touch something so close to perfection.
But… that didn't feel entirely true. Maybe people like Will weren't built from the same pieces as Nico was, but that didn't mean that they didn't belong together.
This was Will, the one who started their friendship by practically forcing him into the infirmary, and never, ever regarded Nico with any type of fear. He was the one who always fell asleep watching movies, always crowded too far into Nico's space, and always understood when Nico needed to draw away and just fold into himself. He was patient, but he pushed when he needed too and he never treated Nico like glass. He was strong and constant, and when he smiled, even the stars seemed brighter.
He wasn't perfect. No, he had plenty of his own flaws, plenty of his own insecurities, but it just served as a reminder that he was still partly human and the cloth he was cut from wasn't all that different from Nico's.
Maybe they weren't built from the same pieces, maybe their fabric differed just enough, but it didn't mean that together they weren't still something worth trying for.
The red behind Nico's eyes dulled. The guilt he had been avoiding steadily began to settle on his shoulders and he leaned forward onto his knees and let out a breath.
Will wasn't being unreasonable. He was just trying to acclimate Nico to mortal life. Nico owed him an apology at the very least. Maybe he couldn't fix everything, but he could try his very best to fix what was happening between Will and himself.
Something, somewhere must have agreed because his feet were already moving of their own accord and Nico felt a little like a bug being drawn to a fluorescent light.
By the time he found his way back to the apartment, it was much later than it should have been. Most of the apartments were dark and instead of walking forward to the door, Nico stood at the base of the steps and wondered where he was supposed to go from there. He didn't know if Will was back, he didn't know if Will was planning to come back at all or if he assumed Nico had run somewhere else. It was certainly something Nico would've done a few years ago, but that was before Will's mother's apartment started feeling like home and before he knew what it felt like to miss someone when they were gone, but still alive.
Nico sank down onto the stairs, staring at his shoes (another gift from Will's mother) and twisted his fingers. He tried to ignore the sound of blood pounding in his ears and waited, listening to anything and everything, searching for some sort of direction and some sort of hint as to where Will was.
When it happened, it turned out that Nico felt him before he heard him. The white noise in his ears was still too loud but he knew, just like he always knew, that Will was close. Slowly, the sound of his footsteps moved past the buzzing and when Nico looked up, Will was rounding the corner with downcast eyes and hands shoved in his pockets. He didn't notice Nico until he was almost right in front of him, and when he looked up, his eyes were hollow and unforgiving (and maybe even a little surprised).
That's fair, Nico thought. I deserve that.
Neither of them said a word, and both struggled to make any sort of honest eye contact. Nico tugged at the sleeves of his jacket and Will clutched at one of his own arms, finally turning his head away and speaking with a low voice.
"I thought for sure you'd go to Camp Jupiter."
Unable to stop himself Nico muttered: "maybe I did" and instantly regretted his decision as Will tensed and snapped: "I know you didn't. You would've never come back if you had."
And Nico couldn't tell him he was wrong, so he said nothing at all.
Will gripped his own arm so tightly his knuckles turned white and in a sudden movement, he walked past Nico, entirely too careful not to touch him, and unlocked the door to the complex.
Nico rose from the steps, following behind him without invitation. He knew Will wouldn't turn him away, but he also understood that he didn't deserve any hospitality. Nico was aware of every sound Will wasn't making and how his movements, his body, seemed weighted. All of Will's mannerisms were closed off and just watching him left a heavy lump sitting at the bottom of Nico's stomach.
This was something that could have been entirely prevented, but Nico just couldn't be bothered to be friendly.
The apartment was expectantly empty; Will's mother had gone to work her shift at the hospital, and the room stood silent and dark. Will's presence had its own effect on the darkness. His nature was to shine light and make things bright, but when he was upset, sometimes it seemed like even the shadows felt sorry for him
Nico leaned on the arm of the couch, watching as he moved through the room with low eyes. He didn't seem to have a purpose, just an intense desire to not stop moving. Will had a habit of letting his mind race when he was upset and his hands couldn't be left empty.
Seeing Will unhappy was a little like watching a star burn out – like watching something that was supposed to be eternal fizzle into nothingness, but dying wasn't quite enough. Everything around the star slowly began to fade away because without light, without the star's warmth, existence seemed impossible. The only thing left behind was darkness, staining the sky with its an unbearable, empty black mark of nothing with only the far off stars clinging to their own bit of light.
Nico sympathized. He understood that feeling more than he understood himself.
"Will," Nico said into the emptiness, receiving no kind of acknowledgment or recognition. Will brushed by him and Nico tried again, reaching for his hand. "Hey, stop ignoring me for a second and just-"
Will's hand ripped itself away before their skin touched.
The son of Hades blinked.
"Don't," Will said, clutching his hand to chest as if Nico were the one made of fire. "I know what you're doing. I know you only do that when I'm upset because you think I'll feel better but I know you don't-" Will let out a frustrated breath and Nico could see his eyes slam shut in an effort to keep something at bay. He inhaled and exhaled, dropping his shoulders before slowly opening his eyes. "If you don't want to be here, just go."
Please no, Nico thought.
Will was looking at him, but it wasn't with eyes that Nico knew. These were locked and cold and the blue was something dark, like midnight or a bruise. The longer he looked at them the more he realized that this look, the one staring at him, was one Will must have picked up from Nico. This wasn't Will; this was a defense.
And that was new.
"Is that what you want?" Nico asked, panic sitting just behind his ribs. Will coughed a spiteful sound.
"What I want doesn't matter. You made that very clear."
"You know that's not-"
"I do? You're sure about that? You're telling me that you didn't go completely out of your way to be a total jerk to my friends even though you knew it was important to me? That this is just something I've made up in my head? You didn't even try, Nico!"
"I did-"
"No you didn't! You didn't even shake Holly's hand! She's a sweet girl and she was excited to meet you and you just-"
"I just what?" Nico snapped, feeling red creep back behind his eyes. "Let her down? The only thing she really cares about it getting your attention anyway so why does it matter what I do?"
Will's forehead scrunched up into confusion. "What are- What are you even talking about?!"
"Are you serious? Do you not realize that she can't keep her hands off of you? It's kind of-"
"So that's what this is about? Some weird, bullshit jealousy over Holly? She's my friend. Can I not have other friends all of a sudden?"
"She wants to be way more than-"
"Oh my gods," Will cried. "She likes Poppy! She has since we were like twelve! She doesn't even like guys!"
The room went silent. Nico blinked. "Poppy?"
"Pip. Whatever. Holly has been carrying a torch for her since forever."
Time made a strange skip and Nico deflated back down onto the arm of the couch, not realizing he had stood. Will's gaze was focused on his every move and Nico could practically feel the questions that were sitting on the tip of his tongue.
Why does it bother you? Why does it matter? Why does any of this matter?
Nico tensed and turned his head away. He wasn't ready to face the answers to those questions.
"They didn't like me anyway," he mumbled, deflecting the comments and refusing to watch as Will began to unravel.
"What- What is- Why would you even think that? She wasn't even- she spent the entire time trying to make you feel comfortable and Pip-"
"Don't even. She really didn't like me."
"Well can you blame her? After the way you were treating her friends? I'd be pissed off too. If someone acted like that to you- I just- I don't get-" Will crumpled in on himself, his hands bunched into fists around his head as wetness started to leak out of the corner of his eyes. "I just don't get it. I- I wanted your friends to like me so bad. I wanted Hazel to be friends with me and Reyna to feel like I was, I don't know, worthy of your friendship or something and I just- I tried so hard and it wasn't like I wasn't terrified the entire time – because I was – but it was important to you, so it was important to me and that meant everything. That meant so much more than me just wanting to crawl under a rock and hide, and I- I just wanted- I wanted it to be the same for you but I guess none that, or this, or… whatever- None of it mattered."
But it did, Nico thought, feeling small and like maybe he was mad about something that really wasn't about him at all.
Will wasn't really… mad. The anger that was there was masking something else and Nico suddenly felt so guilty that he couldn't do what Will had done for him.
He remembered what it had been like to have Will at Camp Jupiter, the way he was so proud to introduce his friend to Hazel, Frank, and Reyna. He had desperately wanted all of them to like each other and the joy he felt when Will completely exceeded his expectations and left even Reyna a little enamored with him was something that Nico had never felt before. The entire time had been so much better than he could have even hoped for and he was grateful, so grateful that Will was who he was.
"I like him," Reyna had told him with a secret sort of smile when they were leaving. "He knows you could beat him in a fair fight but he never backs down and he's certainly not intimidated by you. He treats you like an equal, and for you I think that's something that shouldn't be taken for granted."
But Nico had, and the regret that churned his stomach was enough to make him want to throw up.
Will stared at him with unsteady, shining eyes and Nico was ashamed to not know what he was thinking. Will had always been open and honest. Nico didn't need to read things into Will because everything was right there on his sleeve. Now there was something low and hurt in his eyes, but Nico's wits were disarmed and he couldn't think of a single word to say.
He hadn't wanted to meet Will's friends, that was entirely too true, but it really hadn't been about him; It had been about treating Will as an equal, treating him with the same reverence he treated Nico with. Unfortunately, the realization seemed to come too little too late.
Nico dropped his eyes away from Will's and felt penitent, like he had let Will down in the worst sort of ways because he couldn't even do something as simple as play nicely with his friends. Will had every reason to be hurt, and it made Nico's chest tighten as the two sat in silence with only the sound of Will fighting back tears.
I never wanted to be the reason you cried, Nico thought, flicking his eyes up only briefly to catch the sight of Will wiping his eyes. People like you, they're not meant to hurt. You're too beautiful to cry.
Nico wanted to tell Will as much, but instead, he looked at him and said: "I hate when you cry."
After a moment of silence Will let out a bitter sound and used the heel of his hand to wipe his cheeks. "Yeah. I know I'm an ugly crier."
Nico shook his head, watching as the moon cast its blue light across Will's skin and the way that even in darkness, he glowed. His eyes were so fragile, and his hair was a mess from where his hands had been earlier, but he was perfect. He was exactly what Nico thought of when he thought of why the world was worth saving and there was nothing – nothing – that could ever make him feel differently.
"No," Nico said, thinking that there must be a word for this feeling but not being able to place it. "Nothing about you is ugly."
Will's hand froze on his face and for a moment, neither of them spoke or took a breath. Will's face painted itself with confusion and then it slowly changed, turning into something painful and bewildered. Tension spread through his body like a ripple and soon he was shaking, so distressed, so intensely angry that Nico thought he might actually fall to pieces. Will's eyes dissolved into slits, and he shot Nico a vehement glare before turning his entire body away, opening the door to his room and closing it with Nico on the other side.