Chapter 3: Not Quite Home Yet
Kathryn Janeway officially missed the Delta Quadrant. For all the hell it put them through with hostile races at every turn and the numerous disasters it brought, at least Kathryn didn't have to answer to someone else. She was the one that people had to answer to. But now that they were back in the Alpha Quadrant, Starfleet was hounding her.
Kathryn was supposed to beam down to meet with the Admiralty to debrief them before the actual debriefings started, but in order to do that she needed to get Starfleet Medical clearance which she refused. Kathryn would only be examined until her entire crew was checked and cleared first. So instead she spent the entire morning holed up in her ready room with nothing but a bottomless cup of coffee and a neverending stack of PADDs.
Having been up since 0530 and it being 1320 hours, Kathryn couldn't take a minute more of rehashing everything that happened with the Borg and that bitter old woman. A break was in order. Kathryn stood from her desk hoping a walk through the ship would clear her mind.
Working her way down, Kathryn strolled through the mess hall where she said hello to a few crewmen and Starfleet Maintenance personnel who were eating. Once she was on Deck 5, she saw a long line outside of sickbay and went to check on the doctor. However, when she entered she couldn't find him; at least not right away. There were so many Starfleet Medical Officers running around their little sickbay. The Doctor wasn't in his office from what she could see, but before she could check the lab in the back Crewman Yosa pointed towards the surgical bay with a serious expression. She nodded her thanks and headed in that direction, dodging the many doctors and nurses in her path. Surely enough, that is where she found the Doctor having a one sided argument with another doctor who was intently focused on scanning the patient on the table.
Janeway interrupted the Doctor's incoming angry tirade. "Doctor, what is going on here?"
The Doc looked mighty happy to see her, relief flooding his holographic features. "Ah Captain! Thank goodness you're here. This ma . . ."
However, the Doc was unable to finish as the other doctor - who was still focused on his task and paying no attention to anyone - interrupted him. "I am simply trying to perform a physical examination, Captain, but your EMH is hindering my efforts."
Finally the man straightened up, closed the tricorder, and looked at the Captain with a bland expression. "I suggest you deactivate it so I can get my work done."
"Captain, this man is completely disregarding the crew's medical history and my knowledge of them. He is incorrectly treating them for conditions they have no symptoms for and will not listen to my instructions."
"Captain, I am a doctor with 20 years of experience. I know what I am doing. I will not have a hologram tell me what to do."
Kathryn was seething inside at this rude man. "Doctor, what is your name?"
"Lieutenant Commander Walter Milton, sir."
The Captain schooled her features into her infamous death glare and addressed the man. "Lieutenant Commander Milton, this EMH is not just a hologram. He is a valued member of my crew. He is our Chief Medical Officer aboard this ship, this is his domain. If you will not treat him with the same respect that you would me or any other member of my crew, then I will have you removed from my ship immediately and find someone more professional and with more decorum. So what will it be, Lieutenant Commander? Shall I have security escort you off my ship?"
Unbeknownst to those involved, the rest of sickbay was dead silent as the occupants watched the captain dress down the man who was quaking in his Starfleet issued boots with his eyes bugged out and his frame shrinking under Janeway's glare.
The man cleared his throat a couple of times, wiping at his forehead, "No . . . uhhh yes . . . um I mean no, sir."
"You will address me as ma'am or Captain." Her voice as hard and cold as ice.
The man nodded emphatically, "Yes, Capam … uhh I mean . . . yes, ma'am!" And he saluted.
And then abruptly turned to the Doctor. "I apologize for my unprofessional behavior, Doctor. I will follow your lead in these procedures. Please forgive me?"
The Doctor was a little taken aback, but recovered quickly in a polite manner. "Of course, you are forgiven, Lieutenant Commander. Shall we continue with the examinations?"
The Captain gave a curt nod. "Good."
Then she turned around. "And that goes for everyone. You will treat the Doctor with respect or I will have you removed from duty here on this ship. Do I make myself clear?"
A chorus of "yes, Ma'ams!" was the response.
Janeway turned towards the Doctor and gave him a small smile, "Carry on, Doctor." And promptly left Sickbay.
Kathryn's next stop was Engineering. No one paid her any mind as she strolled through the place; they were used to their Captain's antics after seven years. When she got to the second level of Engineering, Kathryn was surprised to see B'Elanna working underneath a console.
"B'Elanna? What are you doing here?" Kathryn kneeled down to B'Elanna's level.
B'Elanna was startled out of her trance. "Captain! I'm so sorry I didn't hear you come up here."
"B'Elanna, what are you doing here?"
"Um . . . I'm working?"
"Yes, I can see that. But, why? You just gave birth yesterday and we're back in the Alpha Quadrant, there are no immediate threats. You should be on maternity leave," Kathryn said, sticking out her hand to help the other woman stand up.
"I know and I'll have all the time in the world . . . after we finish repairs. I don't want those Starfleet nincompoops - to steal a phrase from Tom, to mess up my engine room. Plus, Miral is perfectly fine with Tom . . . for a short time anyway." At that they both laughed.
"Fine, I won't take that away from you. But, if you need a break, delegate. I'd be willing to help out in engineering if it gets me out of meetings with the Admiralty."
Together they began walking down to the lower level. "That bad, huh?"
"Let's just say I can't wait until debriefings start. I think I might hijack the ship and go back to the Delta Quadrant."
"Well, I still have some Maquis tricks up my sleeve if you need help in your covert operation, Captain."
"Ha! I'll let you know when. I'll see you later, Lanna." Kathryn started to walk away, but stopped when B'Elanna called her back.
"Oh, Captain, before you go. Um . . . Tom and I wanted . . . We discussed this and don't feel obligated to say yes because you're . . . well what I mean to say is . . . we thought . . . since you were always there for Tom and I . . . um would you . . ."
Kathryn put her hands on B'Elanna's shoulders and got her to look her in the eye. She gently asked, "What is it, Lanna?"
"Captain, Tom and I want you to be Miral's godmother. If that is okay with you."
"Oh," Kathryn was taken aback, but quickly recovered with a huge smile, "I'd be honored!"
"Great! We . . ." B'E started to speak but was interrupted by Vorik.
"Lieutenant, your assistance is needed. There is a power relay out of alignment," Vorik informed B'Elanna.
B'Elanna sighed, "I better get back to work, Captain."
"I'll see you later when I come visit my goddaughter. Don't work too hard, Lieutenant," Kathryn called out as she left Engineering.
Walking the halls of her ship she passed many of her crew mixed in with some new faces. It was good to see her crew happy. They certainly deserved it after everything she put them through, but that was a thought for when she had down time to wallow in. As Kathryn made her way to the lower decks, she decided to stop in Astrometrics to check on how Seven was handling everything.
When the doors to Astrometrics opened, Seven and Harry were hard at work at the main console while an unfamiliar ensign stood guard at the door.
"How's the data download and transfer going?" Kathryn said by way of greeting.
Harry turned to face her, "It's a little slow going," he glanced at the guard before continuing,"but we're almost there. We have 67% of the data already downloaded."
Seven spoke up, "Once the download is complete, Starfleet Command wishes to be contacted in order to oversee the transfer of the data."
"How soon do they want the data we've collected?"
"Today by 1900 hours," Seven informed blandly.
Harry leaned a little closer to the captain," They told us in no uncertain terms we had to be done by then and sent this ensign to monitor our progress. I get the feeling they don't trust us, like we're going to change information or something."
"Their efforts are futile. What need is there to change information that Starfleet is already aware of from our monthly datastreams?"
Kathryn furrowed her eyebrows, "I don't know, Seven. The Federation isn't what it used to be before the war. But it's not like we have anything to hide so I suggest you carry on with your work. I'll leave this in your very capable hands, but if there are any issues let me know."
Harry nodded, moving to the other side of the room. Now Seven and the captain were left alone.
Kathryn leaned her back against the console, crossed her arms, and watched Seven work. "How are you holding up with everything, Seven?"
"If you are referring to Voyager's arrival in the Alpha Quadrant and the subsequent meeting with my aunt when we reached Earth by using the term 'everything', then I am adequate, Captain."
Kathryn rolled her eyes, "Seven, you've been anxious about our return to Earth when we were in the Delta Quadrant, and now that we're home in the Alpha Quadrant you're just 'adequate'. I don't believe you. Tell me how you are really feeling."
Seven stopped what she was doing to look at the captain, "You are correct. My . . . unease about our return to the Alpha Quadrant is still there, but I've grown accustomed to its presence. There are many unknown factors when it comes to Starfleet's position about my presence here on Earth. However, it would be an inefficient use of my time if I worried about those uncertainties."
"Okay, that's true, but you didn't quite answer my question. How was meeting your aunt? How did you feel?"
"I have 'met' my aunt before, Captain, during our video transmissions. . ."
"Seven," Kathryn warned.
"But as this was our first in-person encounter, I was . . . nervous."
"She seemed lovely from the brief moment I was able to speak to her. What do you think of your aunt? What did you do together?"
"My aunt seems agreeable. She reintroduced herself and told me once again how happy she was to meet me. We went back to her home in Sweden to partake in a meal together and she told me more stories about my childhood and my parents. Chakotay accompanying me proved to be beneficial as he acted as an acceptable intermediary when the conversation fell silent and tense. His social skills are exemplary."
"That they are," Kathryn muttered before shaking her head to refocus herself, "It seems you had a good time."
"It was pleasant, yes."
"When will . . ." Kathryn didn't get to finish her sentence because she was being commed.
"Ayala to Janeway"
"Janeway here."
"Admiral Hayes wishes to speak to you, Captain."
"Very well. I'll be right up, Mr. Ayala. Thank you. Janeway out."
Kathryn sighed, "Duty calls. Keep me posted on the progress of the data transfer. And if you need to talk, my door is always open." And then she was gone.
The rest of the day flew by in a flurry of activity. Kathryn was unable to visit the young Paris family until the next evening where she savored her snuggles with the adorable quarter Klingon bundle. She had the most delicate forehead ridges just like B'Elanna. She couldn't wait to watch her grow up. And she couldn't believe that they named her after her. She felt very flattered and honored to have been a part of their lives. She was also able to speak to her mother that day as well, but couldn't visit because she was swamped with meetings at Headquarters once she was clear of any alien diseases. By day three she was exhausted. She had more meetings scheduled and had inspections to do on the ship, but by some miracle Kathryn was able to get to bed early.
Kathryn lied in bed staring at the bulkheads above her. She was exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally. Yet sleep eluded her. Her mind was too active, all due to the at least five cups of coffee she had after lunch. This unexpected downtime allowed time for her guilty companion to rear his ugly head and poke her conscience. Who was she to decide for 150 people what was best for them? How could she have decided to destroy the array and strand all those people that had family at home waiting for them? Yes, she had gotten them home. But at what cost? Some of those families didn't exist anymore because of her. Sons, daughters, mother, fathers, brothers, and sisters all lost because of her. Suffering everyday out in the Delta Quadrant that was a death trap with danger lurking at every lightyear.
The thoughts rushed like a turbulent river, drowning Kathryn in their dark, watery depths. They pulled her into a restless sleep of nightmarish images of all those lost along the way, blaming her, mocking her for getting the crew home. "At what cost?" the voices taunted. At the expense of physical and psychological trauma. And suddenly Admiral Janeway appeared. Speaking, but her words going unheard as Kathryn focused on the happy couple in the background - Seven and Chakotay. And then the Admiral next to a distraught Chakotay, mourning the death of his wife. And then he was in front of her. Older, but the same handsome man she adored. Only he was irate. Spitting in her face, "It's all your fault." And then images of him walking away, leaving her to fall and drown in the darkness on her own. His name being ripped from her lips is the last thing she saw before startling herself awake and sitting up in her bed in a cold sweat.
Without thinking she's hit her comm badge and said the name once again in a desperate whisper of anguish.
"Chakotay."
"Kathryn? What is it? Is everything okay?" Chakotay's voice embodying his concern.
By this time, Kathryn has managed to fully wake herself up and realize her mistake in calling him. Of crossing barriers and letting him see her emotions.
She cleared her throat to steady herself. "Did I wake you? I'm sorry for disturbing you, Chakotay."
"You didn't wake me. I haven't been able to fall asleep. And you never disturb me, Kathryn. Was there something you needed?"
You, was the reply her heart formulated.
"No. It's nothing important. I'm sorry. Goodnight." Was the rushed reply her mind forced her lips to formulate.
Kathryn internally berated herself for letting him in when he wasn't hers to let in anymore. Their relationship was too complicated. Close friends that had to keep a respectable distance, yet now friends that couldn't be close friends because it would hinder the other's fated relationship. Why did life hate her?!
Kathryn definitely did not want to close her eyes again so she figured doing something cathartic with her hands would distract her. She had been putting off packing her quarters so she guessed now was as good a time as any. Kathryn grabbed a storage container and started in her living room. However, the activity turned into a nostalgic trip down memory lane. Completely lost in thought, Kathryn granted someone entrance into her room without thinking.
Who entered made Kathryn gasp in surprise. "Chakotay! What are you doing here?"
"Well, I couldn't sleep and you sounded like you needed to talk," Chakotay said.
"Oh, Chakotay, I'm sorry. You need your sleep with the crazy schedule we have."
"Kathryn, you need sleep too. I wasn't tired yet, that's why I couldn't sleep. Stop taking the blame for things that aren't your fault. From your call, it sounded like you could really use a friend so here I am. Oh, and I brought a friend of my own. He was all lonely so I thought he could join us and liven up the mood a bit," Chakotay said as he whipped out the last bottle of Antarian cider from behind his back.
"How thoughtful of you," Kaathryn added sincerely with a hint of sarcasm.
"It's the last bottle and what a better way to use it than to celebrate our return home and almost last night on Voyager."
"Sounds good, though when you put it like that it's a little sad to think this is it. Our time on Voyager is over."
Chakotay got the glasses out and poured them both a drink, his familiarity with her quarters both comforting and alarming. "Yes, it is, but we don't know what Starfleet will do with her yet. Who knows maybe this isn't her last voyage."
"I don't know. They made her a museum in the Admiral's timeline."
"I guess we'll just have to see. At least we can look back on how well she served," Chakotay handed her a glass.
Kathryn sat down on her couch and took a deep sip, relishing the taste. "She did, didn't she? She served us quite well despite everything that happened in the Delta Quadrant."
"Yeah, remember that time we . . ." and Kathryn's lonely wallowing was temporarily filled by her best friend as they drank and reminisced together.
Somewhere along the way in a lull in the conversation, Chakotay asked the real question - what made her call him in a panic. Chakotay noticed her depressed countenance, the slight drooping of her shoulders and the pain that overtook her face. She told him about her nightmare, not everything, but enough for him to get the gist of it.
Chakotay was once again reminded of his talk with Tuvok during their time in the Void. He chose this time to make her realize something important that she missed in her critical self-analysis.
"Kathryn, we all make decisions and we have to learn to live with them despite the consequences. You say you stranded us in the Delta Quadrant, yes, you did, but it was the only logical course of action as a Starfleet officer. And that is who you are, what most of this crew are. We got to discover things no one else had, meet new people. We grew out there not just into a family, but individually people grew. We changed for the better. Just look at Tom, B'Elanna, and Harry. They are who they are because of you. From your example, they learned how to lead and take responsibility. And, Kathryn, you never deterred from the goal of getting home and look at us now. We're home! You did that, Kathryn. In my opinion, I think being lost for seven years did us a world of good even with all the challenges we faced. Who knows what our lives would be like if you captured the Maquis like you were supposed to? I'd either be dead or in jail. Half the crew could be dead because of the war. You've got to move on, Kathryn. You need to let it all go. The crew is home and that is thanks to you. Forgive yourself. No one blames you. So stop blaming yourself for the past and live in the present, Kathryn."
Kathryn rationally understood, but her heart refused to let everything go that easily. She looked at him with a small smile of gratitude for once again being her anchor in her own raging storm. "I'll try, Chakotay. But I don't think it will be easy."
"You're right, it's not. I will always be with you every step of the way through," Chakotay stated as he laid his hand over hers on the couch.
They stared at each other, lost in the moment. A chirp sounded and they jumped apart.
"Seven of Nine to Chakotay"
Chakotay shot Kathryn an apologetic look before tapping his badge. "Chakotay here."
"I do not have to regenerate this evening and since you are awake, I thought you might like to socialize together before you must start your sleep cycle."
"Seven, I'm actually …" He was going to refuse her, but Kathryn stopped him.
"No. It's okay, you go ahead. I think the cider made me sleepy enough to go to bed. Go, Chakotay."
Chakotay stared at her for a moment, indecisive if he should listen to her or not. However, her mask was up. He decided to go and leave Kathryn the time she wanted to run from the situation. At least for now anyways. Until she was ready.
"I'll meet you in Astrometrics shortly, Seven. Chakotay out."
Together they stood and walked to the door, exchanging an awkward goodnight. But as the doors opened, he paused and turned back to Kathryn.
He was quietly observing her with his dark eyes. Finally, he spoke, "Don't hesitate to call when you need to talk. No matter what time of day or night it is. I'll always be here for you."
Chakotay walked away knowing that Kathryn would be alright in time. He'd always do whatever he could to lighten her burden even in the Alpha Quadrant. He had made it his personal vow all those years ago and he'd follow through till his dying breath.
Meanwhile, Kathryn watched the doors close. No, you won't, she thought. You'll be with her. She hugged herself. Until she forgave herself and moved on - like he had - Kathryn was not home quite yet.
A/N: Sorry this is a little late, but I didn't really plan this chapter out like I did with most of the chapters to come. I also apologize for any mistakes and if the characters are OC a bit. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed this. Please R&R. Stay safe and healthy out there guys!