Chapter 6: A False Sense of Home
It had been a long day and Kathryn was exhausted. Yet, she wouldn't have it any other way because it was time well spent with good company. Currently, she was sitting on the newly unwrapped couch of Tom and B'Elanna's new house, cuddling with Miral.
Over the last few months of leave, Kathryn spent her time simply being - relaxing and enjoying time with those that mattered to her. She spent lots of time helping her sister Phoebe with the new baby and hanging out with the young Paris family. Some of the crew kept in touch with her, checking in with her every now and then, and those that didn't contact her she kept tabs on through the others. Although they were in the Alpha Quadrant, Voyager's gossip mill was still going at Warp 10. Just the other day, Kathryn had lunch with Icheb who regaled her with tales from the Academy. Kathryn enjoyed it immensely, seeing the magnificent young man Icheb was becoming and how happy he was. He was certainly flourishing in the Alpha Quadrant.
For the most part, everyone was finding their feet and settling down. Except for sweet Harry. Even though he was happy to be home with his parents, he was very much like Kathryn and thrived on life among the stars. Soon Harry was shipping out for a 6 month mission into Deep Space.
Kathryn was preparing for her new job as Admiral. She'd been given her orders to oversee the study and refit of Voyager. Meanwhile, B'Elanna was joining a research project that focused on expanding on the slipstream drive technology as well as other experimental means of travel. Tom, on the other hand, was contemplating becoming first officer on a ship or joining his wife on the project as a test pilot. Life was finding its own sort of normal.
B'Elanna joined Kathryn on the couch, sitting down with a grand huff.
B'Elanna leaned her head against the back of the couch and turned her head to still be able to see Kathryn. "I'm glad you came."
Kathryn looked up from playing with Miral's hands and gave B'Elanna a crooked smile, "It's only fair that I return the favor after you guys helped me move into my townhouse. Plus," Kathryn turned back to Miral who was gently propped up in her lap, "I'll take any excuse I can to spend time with this little cutie."
B'Elanna smiled at the adorable sight the Great Admiral Janeway and her smiling daughter made.
"Sometimes I think she is only good for you," B'Elanna commented with a raised eyebrow.
"Of course! Because she knows her Auntie Kathryn will spoil her rotten." Miral made a noise that resembled agreement and the women laughed.
The remnants of laughter quickly died out from a loud grunt emanating from the back of the house.
B'Elanna heaved a sigh, standing up reluctantly. "Let me go put this man out of his misery and go help him. The food should be here soon, it's already paid for and everything."
Kathryn nodded, "Okay, I'll be on the look ou-"
They were interrupted by another grunt.
"You better help him before he strains something," Kathryn added and B'Elanna quickly disappeared down the hall.
Kathryn looked down at Miral, gently bouncing the baby up and down. "I guess that leaves just me and you little lady." The chime rang. "That must be the food."
Kathryn hefted Miral onto her hip and went to open the door. What met her on the other side was a total surprise.
There stood Chakotay. He was starting to say something, but stopped wide-eyed with shock when he caught sight of Kathryn. What was she doing here?
Kathryn mirrored his expression and sentiment.
Chakotay was the first to recover, clearing his throat and raising his arm to show the bag he was carrying. "Hi. . . Special delivery."
"Uhh . . . hi." Kathryn stood in the doorway still, Miral playing with the tips of her hair.
"I didn't know you'd be here."
"I wasn't expecting you either. What are you doing here?" Kathryn's tone was neutral, but her question was loaded with double-meaning.
They weren't ready for that conversation yet so he settled for the next best thing. "Um B'Elanna invited me over."
That woke Kathryn out of the foggy dream-like state she magically transported to without her knowledge. "Oh! Of course! Please come in, it's quite nippy outside."
Chakotay followed Kathryn inside. He was right behind her and when she turned around to say something it died on her tongue. He towered over her in the little entryway of the Paris' home. They stood staring at each other for a good minute before B'Elanna spotted them.
"Chakotay! You made it!" B'Elanna exclaimed as she barreled into him for a big hug.
She quickly pulled away when it dawned on her.
"Oh my goodness, I am sorry. I forgot to tell you that Chakotay was coming for dinner," B'Elanna turned to Kathryn, biting her lip. "He called just this morning before you came, when the movers were unloading our stuff and it completely slipped my mind to tell you."
Kathryn waved her apology off, "It's okay, it was a surprise . . . but a nice surprise."
Chakotay piped in, "Well, I didn't come empty handed. I met the delivery guy on the stoop so I come bearing food."
Tom made his appearance at that moment. "Hey Big Guy," Tom gave Chakotay a big hug until he noticed what was in his hand. "Ooo food! I'm starving!"
Tom promptly took the bag, walking away to the kitchen.
B'Elanna noticed that Chakotay and Kathryn had not broken their gaze throughout the whole pleasantries and made an excuse to get away.
"Let me feed Miral her dinner so we can eat," B'Elanna said as she took Miral and practically ran away.
Now they were alone. And an awkward silence ensued until they spoke at the same time.
"How have you-"
"How are-"
They chuckled nervously.
"You first," Chakotay told Kathryn.
"I was going to ask how you were. I haven't seen or heard from you in months. I was wondering if you dropped off the face of the Earth."
Chakotay chuckled deeply," You could say that . . . I went to Trebus and stayed with my sister for about a month or so. I actually just got back a few days ago."
Unspokenly, they began to slowly walk side by side down the hall.
"How's Sekaya doing?" Kathryn asked.
"She's great. Very busy rebuilding the colony, but it's going well from what I've seen," he responds a little distantly.
"And how are you after visiting Trebus for the first time in 8 years?" Kathryn asked, testing the waters on a sensitive subject.
They stopped under the archway of the living room that led to the dining room.
Turning to face her, Chakotay took a deep breath, "I'm . . . okay. The two week transport gave me time to steel myself, but it was honestly nice to be back. Yet, still difficult. I'd walk around expecting to see something from my childhood like the old man that used to sell weaved baskets or the pond that I used to throw rocks in with my friends or . . . my mother shopping in the market. But there's not much of my village left, only a few buildings and very few people. Despite everything, I think it did help me heal. I've gotten some much needed closure. . . Now I just need to find a way to move on."
Kathryn put her hand on his arm, giving him a reassuring squeeze. With an expression of tenderness she responded, "I am glad it helped."
He rewarded her with a small smile. Unbeknownst to them, like magnets they began to lean towards each other. However, the spell was broken by a loud crash followed by a curse from the kitchen. Kathryn let go of Chakotay and broke his gaze to look in the direction of the noise.
"Tom, are you alright?" she shouted with concern. The poor man was having a terrible day.
"Yeah yeah yeah!" Tom yelled assuringly, "I'm fine, just dropped a dish. Do you think you can set the table please?"
Tom entered the dining room from the other entrance and handed Kathryn a tray with plates and utensils.
She took them and smiled, "With pleasure."
Chakotay wordlessly grabbed the tray from her hands as Tom walked back into the kitchen. As a team, Chakotay followed Kathryn around while she placed every setting in front of each seat.
"Now enough about me. How have you been?" Chakotay asked, handing her the forks.
"I'm doing surprisingly well. . . I had to go to mandatory counseling as per request of the Admiralty. I was very reluctant to go at first-"
"Really?! You?!" Chakotay said sarcastically. He smirked when she hit him in the chest with the cloth napkin she just folded.
"Watch it, Mister! I can have you demoted whenever I feel like it."
"I don't think that's how it works, Kathryn."
She shot him a glare before continuing, "Watch me. Anyways, I had a lot to work through. Surprise, surprise. But I'm grateful I did. I'm not 100%, still a work in progress, but I think it helped me heal as well."
"I'm glad you were able to get help. I know it's hard."
"It is, but it's good to have friends nearby that understand what we've been through. I've been spending a lot of time with Tom, Lanna, and Miral. They've been a great support-system."
At her words, sadness invaded Chakotay's eyes and his smile waned only for a moment. He hung his head, replying in an uneven voice, "I'm glad someone was there by your side when I wasn't."
Kathryn watched the silent anguish the man was going through before her, but what she couldn't understand were the depths of that anguish. They ran deeper than she could ever imagine.
Kathryn reached for his hand. "You're here now and that's all that matters."
He returned his eyes to her and saw the sincerity behind her words. Suddenly, her eyes flashed with mischief.
"And since you are here, go grab the glasses because I'm not tall enough to reach," Kathryn commanded.
Chakotay laughed, giving her a mock salute. "Yes, Ma'am!"
When the table was set, B'Elanna returned, and Tom was able to finish serving dinner without breaking any more dishes, the foursome sat down to eat. It was an evening of bliss, leaving the worries behind and focusing on the here and now of good friends and good food. Chakotay missed the times like these. He hoped that it wouldn't end now that everyone was settling down. As he looked over at Kathryn, he was happy to note how unburdened and easy-going she seemed. He was happy to see her happy, even if that didn't include him. The thought was like a stab to the heart, but he swiftly pushed that aside. He made a decision and he'd have to live with the consequences. If he could only have her friendship, he'd focus on rebuilding it from the rubble he left it in.
Suddenly, Kathryn happened to catch his eye, mid-smile from something Tom was saying, and the world faded as he returned her smile. He would do anything for her. From that point on, he was never leaving her side again.
A few weeks later, Kathryn was at Gretchen's house mucking around in the dirt. Gretchen and Kathryn were busy tending to the budding garden while Phoebe sat with them in a patio chair, resting while the baby slept.
"So, dear, how's the new job coming?" Gretchen breathily asked, struggling to pull a carrot from the ground.
Kathryn stopped her mother and proceeded to do it herself. "It's going well considering. I'm not crazy about flying a desk, but at least I'm flying something and not nothing at all. I just miss space."
Phoebe snorted, "Yeah, you missed space. You missed bossing people around, that's what."
Kathryn glared at Phoebe and threatened to throw dirt at her, but her annoying little sister just stuck her tongue out like she was 6 years old again.
Gretchen ignored them. "And how are you settling in?"
"Fine. The house is close to work and to my new favorite coffee shop so I think I'm in heaven. And oh, Chakotay is doing really well. He just bought an apartment a few neighborhoods away. It's really nice and spacious and has a terrific master bathroom. It took ages, but we finally found something and he's moving everything in today."
"Ooo when can we expect the wedding then?" Phoebe chimed in excitedly.
"What?" That caught Kathryn off guard.
Phoebe shot her a funny look, "What do you mean? I thought it was about time."
"Phoebe, I don't understand. What do you mean?" Kathryn needed her sister to explain things out clearly or this conversation was going to take a turn she was not prepared to take.
"You guys are dating," Phoebe stated as a matter-of-fact. Gretchen remained silent, letting it all play out.
Kathryn reeled back, "No, we aren't. Whatever gave you that idea?"
She was confused and curious and very unsure.
"Katie, every time I call you, you are going to go hang out with Chakotay or already are with him. And you've been talking about him almost all day and every time you say his name you get this silly little grin."
Kathryn looked skeptically at Phoebe before glancing at her mother who simply nodded her head in confirmation.
Kathryn sat back on her haunches. "Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize. . . but why does that mean we're dating?"
"Because that's the same way you used to act with Jeremy Anderson in high school. I just thought you and Chakotay finally admitted your feelings for each other and got together."
"We are not together," Kathryn said vehemently and a little too quick, "We couldn't. He's dating Seven. Anyways, he's just a friend, my best friend. Out there the last few years our relationship was a bit strained and now we are repairing our friendship and making amends. I'm sorry if I gave the wrong impression, I guess I was just excited to have my best friend back."
Phoebe internally kicked herself. This was not the way the conversation was supposed to go. She wanted her sister to acknowledge her feelings and maybe kick some sense into her to get a move on, but it had the opposite effect judging by the deflated demeanor of her sister.
Gretchen decided enough was enough. Phoebe's approach wasn't working so a mother's expert hand was needed in the matter.
Gretchen stood up, hauling the basket of vegetables with her. "Well, your best friend owes me a visit. Why don't you invite him over for dinner. I'm making vegetarian lasagna with what we've picked."
"Mom, Chakotay is busy and probably will be too tired."
"Yes, too tired to cook and what better way to celebrate a big task than with a home cooked meal made by someone else."
Kathryn opened her mouth to protest, but her mother put her hand up.
Gretchen's face turned stern, "That wasn't a suggestion, Katie. That was an order."
Kathryn watched her mother walk away. She knew not to argue with her mother, it was pointless and a no-win scenario.
Sighing in defeat, she called out, "Alright, I'll give him a call."
Off to the side, Phoebe stood up and yelped a little "yay." Kathryn shot her another glare.
"You behave," Kathryn warned as she pushed her sister playfully in the shoulder and walked away. Phoebe ran after her and jumped on her sister's back in retaliation.
It was a lovely evening, Kathryn thought. Chakotay eagerly accepted the invitation to dinner and her mother spoiled him rotten. He and Phoebe got along extremely well, which she didn't know whether to be alarmed or happy about. Her nieces and nephew adored him as did her brother-in-law and he fit into the family easily. If only he could be family, she thought somberly.
Kathryn rolled over onto her side and looked at the view of the city from her bed. It was great to be home with her loved ones all around. She was settling into a house and a new job. But, something was missing. If she admitted it to herself, Kathryn felt restless. She felt a hole somewhere in her and she didn't know where. The whole experience since returning home was surreal. Everything was falling into place, but she still felt off. Everyone else seemed to be doing just fine and she appeared to be doing well on the outside, but not inside. It was like she was being lulled into a false sense of home.
A/N: Please let me know if the timeline for this story is confusing for you because it is going to be a bit of a jump in the next chapter. For this chapter, it took place about 2-3 months after debriefings and the beginning of leave. Thanks for reading! As always stay safe and healthy out there!