A/N: Hi *small wave*, it certainly has been a while. I kind of lost time and motivation to write this, but it was always in the back of my mind. I've debated the ending of this chapter a lot. It took me a little over a year of writing bits here and there, however, we finished it. I apologize if it may be out of character, I tried my best but I sort of lost touch with the characters. I hope you all enjoy it though. Two more chapters left so I should be updating soon.
Thank you to all those who are still following this story :)
Now on with the story...
Chapter 8: How Do You Find Home?
Her thoughts were buzzing around her mind like a million bees in a too-small hive. Kathryn's body mindlessly took her back to her office. She wasn't really sure how she was able to get herself there, but she did. And now she was sitting at her desk, trying to clear her head and focus on the report in her hand. She really needed to get work done, if only to wake herself up from the nightmare her life suddenly turned into. She lasted all of 20 minutes.
Words blurred together on the PADD and her mind took over. Where did it go wrong? Where did she go wrong? How did it come to this? Why did he have to change his mind about being together all of a sudden? Kathryn threw the PADD roughly down on the desk. Grabbing her jacket, she quickly called for the lights to turn off before heading out the door in a rush.
The nippy wind blowing as Kathryn walked home was enough to wake her from her haze. She was able to get herself home safely and without further incident. Yet, once she was in the warm confines of her townhouse, the nagging thoughts in the back of her mind overtook her once more. She physically shook her head hoping to clear it of the thoughts she didn't really want to deal with. But, it was no use. She needed to relax and clear her mind before analyzing what Chakotay had told her. An idea formed in her head. A bath. Maybe a bath would help, she thought.
Kathryn made a beeline for her bedroom. As she stripped she told the computer to run the water and she added some scented bubbles. When the water was just right, Kathryn climbed in and sank down, sighing in pleasure. Her eyes closed voluntarily and she leaned her head against the tub's edge. She could feel the stress melt right off her and float into the room with the steam. But after 5 minutes, the feeling was gone. The warmth of the water reminded her of the warm feeling she usually got when Chakotay smiled at her, which forced the image of his broken expression when she left into her mind. Kathryn's eyes shot open and she sat up. Her bath was ruined. She sadly got out of the tub and watched the water swirl down the drain. Why was she like this?! Because Chakotay just confessed to still loving her and wanting to be with her. That was something she denied herself for so long and thought was too late, but then there he was telling her everything she wanted to hear. So why was she here feeling like someone was squeezing her heart instead of happily in the arms of Chakotay? It was absurd! Yet, no explanation was forthcoming.
Kathryn threw on some comfortable clothes and went to the kitchen. Before she knew what she was doing, Kathryn was ordering coffee from the replicator. She sat on one of the bar stools and sipped the dark brew. Coffee usually helped to center herself into a coherent person. Maybe it would help her think straight and work through the messy feelings and thoughts running around her brain. However, the coffee only stimulated the endless thoughts. How come she never heard that Chakotay and Seven split? The vultures of Voyager - namely the Doctor, Tom Paris, B'Elanna, and Harry, would have circulated the news in Voyager's gossip mill. She literally saw Seven 5 months ago and the woman didn't say anything. Though, thinking about it now, Seven not once mentioned Chakotay when they went out for lunch. Kathryn had thought it was odd, but wrote it off because she didn't really want to think about him and Seven together. It was their business and their business alone. But, not anymore it seemed.
Ugh, she chastised herself. How could she be so stupid? She blamed her best friend and accused him of things instead of asking how he was doing. Kathryn wanted to protect Seven because she was a good friend, almost like a daughter, but then Chakotay was also her best friend and he just went through a break up. And she treated him horribly. Yet, he still confessed his feelings to her. Despite her rampant emotions, Kathryn was considerably calmed down and starkly realized something - she needed to check on Chakotay and apologize for her actions.
In a blind rush, Kathryn grabbed her coat off the hook by the door and was out of said door in a flash. She had just finished alarming the door, turning around to take a step down when she stopped.
There stood Chakotay at the bottom of her stairs.
Time froze. Kathryn stood rooted to the top step staring down at Chakotay who stared back at her from the bottom step, hands shoved into the pockets of his dress pants along with a down casted countenance.
It was a full minute before either spoke.
"Hi," Kathryn managed to say, all she really could say.
"Hi," Chakotay responded.
Another moment passed them and yet their eyes never left the other.
They both spoke at the same time.
"Chakotay-"
"Kathryn-"
Silence lapsed before they both started suddenly chuckling at the awkwardness of the situation. It seemed to lighten the mood, making it less tense. Seemingly telepathically, they moved as one towards her door. Kathryn unlocked it and they both entered.
Once inside, coats and shoes were shed wordlessly before moving to the kitchen where Kathryn busied herself with replicating coffee for herself and tea for him.
"Nice place," Chakotay commented casually as he sat down at the spacious breakfast bar.
"Thanks," Kathryn said reflexively, not quite paying attention; her mind too busy buzzing with too many thoughts again.
After sliding Chakotay his tea, she stood on the other side of the bar, putting her across from him. A thick nervous tension encompassed the pair. They both fiddled with their respective mugs, allowing a thoughtful silence to ensue as they gathered themselves for whatever was going to happen - preparing themselves for the end.
Chakotay opened his mouth to speak when Kathryn beat him to it.
"Chakotay, I want to apologize for my behavior and my reaction. We've been friends for years and I certainly did not treat you as one earlier. I am sorry," Kathryn rushed out as she watched the murky dregs of her dark brew, unwilling to look at him just yet in the event she lost her nerve.
"No, Kathryn, I should be the one apologizing. I shouldn't have ambushed you like that and brought up . . . that topic in that setting. Or maybe I shouldn't have ever brought it up in the first place. I'm sorry."
Her head snapped to him at his words.
"No, Chakotay," Kathryn put her hand on his that was laying on the table. "No, we needed to have that conversation whether I liked it or not. In fact, you were completely in the right . . . well, not completely, Mister."
She shot him a playful look that eased the tension, and he smiled a small smile with one of his dimples popping out.
Kathryn continued, "I am truly sorry, Chakotay-"
Chakotay shook his head, "Kathryn-"
He started, but she held up her hand to stop him.
"Chakotay, let me say what I have to say now. I listened to you earlier, and now I need you to hear me get everything out."
Kathryn took a breath before starting. "I know I keep apologizing, but I need to. I cannot tell you how sorry I am for not only the way I treated you today and ever since we came home, but for the way I treated you all those years on Voyager, Chakotay. I hurt you."
Kathryn began pacing as she continued, "Now as I said, I need to get everything out and it is only fair to you that you know why I've . . . played with your feelings. On Voyager, I didn't think it was a good idea to get involved. Voyager was and would always be my priority and it wouldn't have been fair to you. I wouldn't have been able to give you what you wanted; what you deserved. Although Starfleet would have frowned if we got involved on Voyager, they wouldn't have done anything about it considering our situation out there. However, I thought it would be better for all the Maquis in the long run if we didn't get involved so I wouldn't be accused of being partial and their outstanding service records would stand for themselves. And look it did work out. But, it is still no excuse for the pain I've caused you. . . There was also another reason why I never allowed . . . why I pushed you away. . ."
Kathryn stopped a few feet from the island and watched Chakotay, who was carefully watching her in return. Kathryn heaved a sigh.
"I was . . . afraid. I was afraid to love again. Those first few years on Voyager, I was engaged to Mark and I would never be unfaithful to him. And then he remarried and I lost the excuse that held me back. I was scared to let someone in again - to be vulnerable again - because . . . everyone I have ever loved is taken away from me. Justin, my father, Mark. . . With Justin . . . we were young, but we were in love as young people often are, but then suddenly I lost him and my father. I've known Mark since we were kids and when I opened myself up to people after the accident . . . things with Mark were easy. We fell into a comfortable routine and he became my safety net. I loved him, but not in the way that I did Justin. . . And then you came along, and from the first moment we met there was a spark. It was like I touched a live wire and the connection I felt ran deep. But, I was scared to lose someone again, especially one that I cared so much about. So I pushed you away. Why mourn something you never had? With time it seemed as if the pain lessened, or so I thought. In the end, my punishing myself ended with me punishing you in the process, Chakotay. . . I don't blame you for moving on Chakotay. I had no claim on you, and I certainly had no right to feel bitter and jealous about you and Seven. I blame myself because I was too selfish. Out there, I lost myself. I let the "Captain" take over as I hid Kathryn away because I thought she was a distraction. I needed to focus on getting 150 people home safely to their families. And I lost Kathryn in the harshness that was the Delta Quadrant. I left her on that beautiful planet, Chakotay. But now that we're home, I've been able to rediscover pieces of her. Yet, I still have the tendency to lock her away. And something else I've realized, Chakotay, is that I can't be Kathryn without you. . . I am still in love with you, Chakotay."
Chakotay slowly approached Kathryn, taking both her hands in his.
Looking at their intertwined hands, he spoke.
"So for the past 8 years we have loved one another. And now we are home, free to do what we want, without 150 lives hanging in the balance, and no evil alien lurking around."
Looking into her eyes, Chakotay finally addressed the ominous question hanging in the room, "What's stopping us?"
"Me," Kathryn answered shamefully.
When she caught the flash of hurt in his eyes, she rushed to explain.
"It's not because I do not want to. Oh, Chakotay, I do more than anything. It's just . . . I've spent so long denying myself of loving you that I'm unsure of how to allow myself to do it. I think I just need time to . . . process everything that's happened. And that is so unfair of me. I have no right to ask you to wait and–"
"I will wait," Chakotay confidently declared to the wide eyes that stared back at him.
Placing one hand on Kathryn's cheek and firmly squeezing the hand he still held, he continued with conviction. "I will wait as long as it takes for you to be ready. I will prove it to you."
Kathryn was in disbelief of the man before her.
"Plus," Chakotay added, "I know it will be worth it in the end."
Chakotay gave her a bright smile, which Kathryn gratefully returned.
In tandem, they moved forward, wrapping their arms around each other in a tight embrace. After some time, Chakotay pulled away, kissed Kathryn's forehead, bid her goodnight, and left her standing in the middle of her kitchen.
How do you find home? A small smile crept onto Kathryn's face at the answer: you take a chance.