Hello everyone I have a real quick important note. This takes place right after Chapter 12 in Escaping Death Yet Again. So it's happening a couple months before Grunt and Shepard take off in search of them. The Normandy's crew will slowly but surely catch up to Shepard and Grunt's timeline. (They will be getting more chapters to themselves this time around since Wrex is hanging back on Tuchunka.)
Garrus barely registers the fact that he was already back in front of Shepard's door. He hadn't even clearly registered how he got up from the ground, or when. The hum of electrical power that had been missing snaps him out of the angry fog swirling around in his mind. Carefully he lifts his head. Bright ceiling lights fill the hallway and threaten to blind him. Lowering his head once more, Garrus raises a talon to press the open button on the far left side of the door.
A soft beep greets him. Despite the beep, the steel doors remain sealed air-tight. Absentmindedly he presses the button again. The lights just came back on. Maybe the system was still catching up. Of all the times to be locked outside of the room, why did it have to be now. In his lowest moment when all he wants to do is crawl into Shepard's bed, and disappear. Foolishly his heart beats faster with desperate hope. If he could just get to the bed everything will be better. There's no reason for him to believe so, but his body buys into the daydream. Oh, how ridiculous this is. He's so desperate for anything to lessen his pain that even a false reality was comforting. When did he become so delusional?
"Garrus Vakarian, you do not have access to Commander Shepard's room." For a second Garrus thought EDI was back, as the voice went on he realized it was dull and emotionless. Cold, robotic, like Legion's but without even the slightest hint of empathy. Strange how he can look back at his interactions with the geth now and notice all the small hints of something deeper happening within them.
"Commander Shepard gave me permission to be in here." When did his gun stop solving problems?
"One moment. Searching. Searching. Search-" on and on it goes as Garrus assumes it digs through its few remaining, and most likely mostly corrupted files. Eventually, it pings. The mechanical voice responds again. Garrus can't help but imagine that voice coming out of an old, rusty head of nuts and bolts, instead of the speaker above his head.
"No permission found. Files may be missing information or corrupted and need replacing. Please contact chief Engineer Adams or Major Kaidan Alenko to repair, or add the necessary files."
When did he start to see red all the time? "I have permission to be in there!"
"While Commander Shepard is not on board no one is allowed access to her room. Please return to the crew's quarters Garrus Vakarian."
"Damn it! Let me in!" His fists make a loud scratching sound as his tough outer skin scrapes the solid metal door. Any other time and the sound would have been unbearable. Yet with his adrenaline already as high as it is from the earlier fight, nothing deters him.
"Cease this former officer Vakarian." The voice was higher, louder now. Still entirely devoid of emotions. It talks like a human. Not even geth spoke like their creators. Somehow the way it speaks pisses him off even more. Garrus growls as he unleashes everything he has left. "You leave me with no choice." Fuck it! He'll do whatever it takes to be inside again. "I have alerted the senior officers on board." Did sparks fly or was that another thing conjured by his overactive imagination? The hall lights shut off. Now a siren beats against his skull as a red light condemns his every move. He strikes the door again.
"Garrus?" This time it's a different voice. Not the mechanic, emotionless, noise box screeching at him, but a friendlier, deeply concerned one. It breaks his heart in a way Garrus wasn't even aware was possible. How can something so fragmented be crushed even more? Will the pain not stop until only dust remains?
Garrus lifts his head. Gently, as if he could barely move them, he lifts his arms from the door. Tali's bright white, orbs were barely visible with the red light reflecting off her helmet. Her obstructed eyes were downturned. Dipped in a way where he can only picture fleshy eyebrows burrowing down her way to show her disappointment. Garrus looks down at his talons. Grey and blue scratches glare back at him. He keeps his sore eyes on them, unable to make himself look at her. This is the second time she's seen him lose it. The first was against an ally. Of course, she looks terrified. He hasn't done anything but scared everyone else for the last hour.
Had he said his heart would break until it was dust? No. Between the red lights and the searing pain, it's more likely that he'll only have ashes that can't even hold a light anymore by the time they get off this planet.
"They," this wasn't EDI. Clearly, it didn't even have the intelligence of an advanced AI. "it," His words fracture as he takes a deep breath. "won't let me in the room." Tired eyes catch sight of his blurry reflection in the dented metal door. Honestly in this state who would? The expressionless computer was just doing what any sane person would.
What has he done lately to deserve the comfort of even standing in one of the last few places where Shepard's presence remains? Attack Joker. Yell at their friends. Force Liara and Kaidan to use their biotics to hold him back. Attempting to smash a nearly indestructible door certainly wasn't proving anything. Nothing aside from reaffirming the stupid machine's point.
"Garrus?" A soft voice reaches out to him, but it grows shriller as his name bounces around his skull.
"The door's not working." He smacks the top of the door pane.
"The power just came back on. The system is busy catching back up with itself. Finding new files that had been added during EDI's time being in control of the ship, rebooting its systems on minimal power, and recovering everyone's status as well as their," she hesitates, and curls her digits into her palm. "uh, access."
Garrus pushes himself away from the door. "Allow me." She scurries past him, heading straight for the controls. "The program is confused by the absence of an AI. Engineer Adams and I are going to have to act as a second interface for a while. At least until the power is on completely and the computer has finished playing catch up."
"You're using human terms now Tali?"
"That one's nice. It rolls off the tongue but still feels like it packs the right punch in situations like these." Ever the positive sunbeam. There are a couple of clicks before the computer reads off something about Shepard's codes.
"You have Shepard's codes?"
"Engineer Adams did. He was given them as he switched command of the ship back to Shepard. Then when the crash happened and," she waves her free hand around her head. "this all happened he gave them to me. It's a lot less work to use the commander's codes than to reprogram new ones with the same kind of security access."
"So what is her code for her bedroom?"
Tali freezes up. Her shoulders tense before she looks back at him. With a forcefully cheerful voice. "Nice try Vakarian."
"I wasn't trying to do anything to the ship Tali. I just," He runs his talons over his sunken face. "I don't want to have to call you up here every time I want to rest."
"Yeah." Tali looks back at the keypad. She stares on for a long minute. Finally, something moves her, Tali speaks again. "Alright, but you can't tell anyone else."
"Of course not." He wanted as much peace and privacy as he can get.
Tali stands off to the side slightly. Slowly she types out .. Garrus blinks as the door pops open.
Why had she used his birthday?
With a shake of his head, Garrus rushes inside.
"Do you," she hesitates before leaning in and examining the room. "need anything?"
Shaking quickly, Garrus taps the button to shut the door. It freezes up, the wires waiting for Tali's command. He presses the buttons faster. A single talon threatened to smash through the button's top and tear into the wires themselves. Quickly, Tali steps in. Gently she rests her hand on top of Garrus'. Pulling him away from the controls she walks back with him. "Garrus?"
"I don't need anything Tali. I just want to be alone." A part of Garrus urges him to reassure her. To say, for now, but we can talk later, but that minuscule piece is quickly dragged below his emotions. Anger, anguish, desperation, and the internal need to be alone for what feels like forever fight for the reigns of his mind. Each emotion demands to be heard. All of them are so certain they have more to add to his already spiraling thoughts. "Go away Tali," through gritted teeth, he's barely able to add a pitiful, "please."
"You know Liara felt better after talking to Shepard." "Maybe we could talk this," she gestures to him and then the nearly smashed button. "out." Tali once again speaks with her hands. It was better than someone trying to ramble at him. So much of this captivity has been people talking at each other. He never spoke back. They really should've taken the hint.
"Tali I was the one who advised giving her space and time. Which is what I need right now." He takes another step away. Her outreached hand shakes. He stares it down. "Time and space."
"I," she pulls her hands back towards her chest. Her helmet looks down, as the glowing white lights that usually bespoke her eyes look away. Her hands fold in on themselves over her heart. "I understand."
"If anyone needs comforting it will be Joker." Terrified blue eyes flash by his face. "He nearly died."
Tali's voice is stronger now. Her certainty lent her conviction a boost. "You wouldn't kill him Garrus."
If only he could be so sure.
"See you later Garrus."
"Sure Tali." She backs away towards the door. He can't help but notice how much her scurrying movements seem like fleeing. "Of course." His voice adds but he's not sure what to. Nevertheless, Tali nods in acknowledgment. She gives the button a gentle tap and backs out. Darkness fills the room. Finally, he was truly, and hopelessly alone.
Just like he wanted.
Only, not really. Thanks to either his turian eyesight or the endless about of hours he's spent in this room, he can still make out everything within it.
Garrus' eyes are immediately drawn to the fish tank. Somehow, despite their less than stellar landing, the thank remained intact. Colorful fish dive back and forth within their safe abode. Wishing to be a part of their bubble Garrus stands perfectly still and watches them for a while. Entirely spacing out on the fact that he was supposed to feed them, he watches them form schools, before breaking apart again. No two ever taking the same route twice in a row. He always thought it strange how similar Earth animals were to one another. Humans rarely appear to take notice of this fact, but he's spent hours watching these fish swim, and they form groups, break up, form new groups, and mingle with the other species inside this little aquarium of theirs. Humans with tails and gills, that's what they're like. No soul has disagreed with him yet. Not that he ever spoke these thoughts aloud.
Eventually, the fish take notice of his watchful eyes. Suddenly making friends with everyone else, they warn each other, bumping into each other as they swim into their various shelters to hide. "It's because you look like a predator." Shepard's voice rings pristine and unaltered in his mind. She stands leaning towards the tank but never actually touching it. She flashes him a smile, and he can't help but notice one brave fish come out of hiding. It bravely swims by her, seemingly no longer frightened by his eyes. Shepard stretches a finger out to it, keeping it a good two inches from the glass. The fish follows her finger loyally as she spins it in an infinite symbol.
"It's cause your face is scary." Joker claims so nonchalantly that even Garrus had felt it should've been obvious. Shepard vanishes, as the shorter human replaces her. He's hunched over, reaching for the feed button. It stopped working when the ship began running on auxiliary power. Garrus has been dropping food in through the slim hole he cut in at the top. That doesn't stop the fish from following Joker over to the food button. He presses it once, twice, and after the third time, he's smashing the damn thing like it's a button on a game controller.
Garrus stumbles past the memories. As he crosses the room, the large turian all but collapses into the bed. His legs were more than ready to buckle under the lifetime's worth of stress, that had occurred today. Bones creak as he stretches out an arm behind him. Somewhere around here was supposed to be his blanket. Talons stumble through the dark. Sharp tips catch on the mattress, its sheets, even the one human pillow he was willing to risk keeping in the bed. Soft, cool fabric breaks away leaving feathers flying free through the gaping new hole. Smooth, thin feathers scratch at his wrist. Frustrated Garrus pulls his hand back in failure. It probably wasn't on the bed anymore. Joker might've used it for a second layer while he was out last night.
"Joker can you pass me-" his voice drifts off as the crushing weight of loneliness pushes down on him again. The pilot's not here anymore. No one is here. There was only one other time when he felt so isolated. Omega. That place of horror still haunts his nightmares.
Garrus forces himself to sit up. That pillow he wanted was indeed on the couch. On the floor in front of it a trashcan filled with protein bar wrappers. Joker would only eat one a day when he first moved in. Garrus ate even less often than that. Today the human had consumed three. One for each meal, a new record. The urge to hum a song, and grab food floods Garrus' instincts. It had become routine, for the two to hum old songs from their home worlds as they eat. It had only been to fill the silence as they ate at first. Then it too became a habit. His former team on Omega had never haunted him like this.
"Your annoying." He speaks to the trashcan as if it could convey the message to Joker. "Why did you say that? Why would you say that?" His anger builds up again, threatening to overwhelm him.
Shepard would tell him to take a shower. He could almost hear her encouraging him to cool off. The words are as clear in his mind as Joker's humming. In the end, his urge to relax wins out against the need to eat.
Garrus rolls off the bed, careful not to cut it open any more than he already has. A bit of puff catches on his pant legs from one of the tears. A mistake from one of his many restless nights. Every time he had slept for the first couple of months they were stuck on this planet was restless. It was only when Joker started bunking in the room had his violent tossing and turning began to let up. Only when he woke up terrified, just to see Joker also sitting on the couch awake, did he come to feel calm again.
"Shepard used to sleep like that." The pilot had casually mentioned once. "EDI would let me know when she had, as a heads up. One bad night can cause a superior to ruin everyone else's day. Shepard never did though." Garrus couldn't help but feel envious. How had he not known that? He also felt challenged, as if Joker had asked him a question without stating it plainly. 'Will you?'
He had at first. Those bad nights caused him to have bad days. Days he made more difficult for everyone else. Once again the turian was being reminded of how he's nothing like Shepard. Today cemented that fact.
Just yesterday he wanted to be better. He had been working tirelessly towards that goal with the help of his friends. Now, shit. Today he all but destroyed all the progress he had made towards his goal. Towards the ideal.
The bathroom's lights flicker on as he hobbles inside. Dimly they blink in and out. Garrus ignores the tech issue. There was no reason to bother Tali this late. Especially after he had pushed her away so obstinately. Why had he done that? Joker couldn't defend himself, not against a turian's strength. His head argues before his heart could retort. Why had Joker said such nonsense? Just because EDI's gone doesn't mean Shepard is. He should mourn alone instead of pushing his emotions onto everyone else! But, wasn't that what he, himself had been doing? Could Garrus recall a single moment within their ensnarement on this planet when he hadn't been doing that exact same thing?
"There's only so much fight in a person. Only so much death before," Garrus can still hear her whisper those words.
Another crack in the glass. He breaks. Sharp shards flicker with images of her over the broken reflections of himself. Visions of her that were pristine put together, and happy. All the things he can't be. Not now. Maybe never again. His knees buckle under the endless weight of knowing that he should be better than this. He's Garrus Vakarian. A soldier who was able to stay calm when facing raiders, gangs, geth, and even reapers. One of the final remaining crew members of the Normandy. Blue eyes furiously blink back the horrible dryness that had settled into them. Joker's ghastly, fear-stricken face looks down at him from the few shards still clinging to the top of the mirror. Remorse tightens its hold around his throat. It squeezes angrily as his mind goes back to the fight. With every strike the pressure builds. If it hadn't been for the biotics he would have... "Shepard I don't know how much more I can take."
The voice that barely crawls out of his throat is as alien to him as Shepard's voice used to be.
There's a flash of movement out of the corner of his eyes. He grabs a shard and braces himself for an attack. Instead, it's Joker's cowering face. His hands were raised to put some distance between Garrus and himself. It was futile. If it hadn't been for the others...
Garrus tightens his grip around the glass. Pain slowly waves through his palm, keeping him grounded. Nothing happened to Joker. The other kept him safe from the harm Garrus could've caused. Thankfully.
Bending over his knees, Garrus cries out. In one shrill scream, he lets out all of the deep, cold emotions threatening to drag him under and drown him beneath his grief.
Without Shepard who is Vakarian?
Joker found out. He saw firsthand exactly what Garrus is without Shepard. He's nothing more then
a MONSTER.
I'm sorry this took so long, but thank you to everyone who has been leaving comments here and on . They've kept me working on this story even as I struggled with writer's block.