Kaidan cradles Joker to his chest on the way back to his room. He's able to walk completely unhindered as if Joker was little more than a bag of flour to him. Joker groans, as his head falls back. It bumps against Kaidan's arms. Since when did he get so muscular? He always looked so small when out of his armor. Had it been an illusion? Was he always this ripped? The crowd of people part to let them through. Joker could hear their whispers behind him as Kaidan navigates them through.

Joker closes his eyes as he buries his face into Kaidan's chest. Not even the smell of sweat was enough to make him pull his head away. The shame he felt was Why had he said that shit? Ugh, he should just go outside and hide in the bushes so this strange planet could claim him. It's a better option than ever having to face Garrus again. Damn, all his stuff was still up in Shepard's room. Kaidan shifts his hands under Joker, bringing him closer to his chest, hiding his face more from the crowd. Of course, golden boy was still kind to him, even now. IT causes Joker's guilt to weigh down on him even more. He wraps his hands further around his own waist.

He waits to be set down so Kaidan could pry the door open with his biotics. Kaidan never sets him down. No instead he hears the door easily slide open. Curiosity loses out to his urge to keep his face buried in Kaidan's chest.

"We're here," Kaidan announces with a soft tone. He lifts Joker up a little more, urging him to lift his head up. Joker presses his face harder against Kaidan's chest.

"No one else is here." A hollow promise. Joker already knew that. When had anyone aside from Shepard ever bothered Kaidan in his own domain? Never, because no one thought him interesting enough to visit. Joker bites at his lip as the guilt washes over him again. That wasn't true. Fuck, why was he so angry?

"We need to talk about what just happened out there."

"No, we don't." A child. That's what he was. A fucking kid unwilling to face his mistakes. Damn it.

Having had enough Kaidan carefully set Joker down on the couch. The pilot doesn't even bother to try and fight back. Instead, he grabs onto the one thing he can, Kaidan's hand. It's sweaty, and hot, just like his chest had been. Who knew using biotics was such a workout. Liara never seems to break a sweat. Joker looks back up at Kaidan. For the first time, he starts to notice the bags under the other man's eyes. His five o'clock shadow was now an actual, short, full-face beard. He's scruffy looking now. Kaidan has been many things but scruffy, that definitely wasn't one of them.

"You okay?"

Kaidan sighs and pinches his eyes. His other hand rests on his side. "We're not talking about me, Joker."

"Fine. Geez, you try being nice and people just spit in your face in return." He throws his hands up, before crossing them over his chest. Fucking petulant. That's what Shepard would call him.

"Being nice. Is that what you would call what you said to Garrus earlier?"

"Someone has to clue him in on reality."

With a roll of his eyes, Joker shoves himself up from the couch. "You know you went too far tonight."

He pushes Kaidan out of his way. "That's rich coming from you."

"Joker-"

Flipping Kaidan off, Joker sits on the ledge by the closed window. "Don't start acting like a boy scout now, traitor." He glares at the other man, hoping that his words had worked.

Kaidan's face falls. He looks like he was seconds away from breaking down. Shit, maybe they had worked too well.

With a deep breath, Kaidan begins, "I made a mistake, but so did Shepard." He was clenching and unclenching his fists between the words. Good, what he did was awful, just like Joker.

"Whatever you have to tell yourself to sleep at night."

Fist unclenched. Joker spies little blue biotic fields go off just above Kaidan's head. Were those met to scare him? Joker nearly laughs. He would need more than that to scare him. After facing a rageful Garrus, Kaidan was basically a teddy bear. "At least I'm getting some sleep. Garrus told me that you're awake at all hours, writing down equations."

Hearing Garrus' name Joker's eyes grow wide. Garrus' face diving towards him, with the intent to kill flashes past his eyes. Joker tenses up. His jaw tightens. "Don't mention him to me right now."

"Joker what you said went too far. We're all struggling here, making enemies out of friends isn't going to help."

"You would know all about that, wouldn't you?" Bitterness adds a poisonous edge to his words. He hopes they hurt Kaidan to hear, as much as it hurt to say.

With a hand running through his hair, Kaidan nods. "Yes actually, I would. Which is why I know that what you're doing right now isn't going to help. It's not going to help you suddenly feel better. You'll only be dragging everybody down to your level instead of rising above this." Rise above? What the fuck was there to rise above? His unending anger, this aching loneliness that fills his every waking moment? Ah maybe it was the jealously he's supposed to overcome. Other people at least know that their families survived the initial attacks, like Kaidan, but Joker doesn't even have that comfort.

"Maybe there's nothing to rise above."

A pitiful expression fills out Kaidan's features. "I know you didn't mean what you said."

"And what if I did Kaidan?" He punches the side of his leg. Pain erupts from his leg. Undoubtedly a bruise has formed, but at least it wasn't broken. "What if I completely meant it?"

"Then you're even more of an asshole than this traitor." A hand wraps around the one he had just used to punch himself.

Joker stares at their hands. His voice cracks, "A part of me hopes Shepard is dead."

"Joker! That's not funny."

"It's not a joke." He tears his hand free from Kaidan's. "If Shepard's dead then that means EDI didn't die alone." Joker folds in on himself. "It also means I'll have no one to blame for her death. I don't have to be angry at Shepard for what happened, because she gave her life to the fight."

"Joker," Kaidan's voice drifts off. The man was at a complete loss for words.

"I know. Just how selfish can one man be?" He leans his head back, resting it against the window. Tears of anger begin to water in his eyes. "If Shepard's dead, then I'm not grieving alone." Joker sighs and looks back at Kaidan. "Even if I've lost everything, I won't be the only one stuck feeling it. Misery loves company." Kaidan bends down onto his knee to be at eye level with Joker. He stares Joker down. He can't stand that look on the other man's face.

"Jeff," the spectre rests a hand on his shoulder. His fingers were thick and warm. Surprisingly Kaidan wasn't as heavy-handed with his actual hands as he was with his speeches. Joker looks out towards the closed window. Anywhere was safer than those soft, brown eyes that offered only understanding. He didn't deserve that. What had he done to receive such forgiveness?

With a gentle grip, Kaidan pulls him into a hug. Chest breaking, Joker finally cracks. With a silent shudder, he wraps his hands around Kaidan burying his tears into his shoulders. Kaidan holds him tenderly.

He carefully pats Joker's back while whispering, "We'll get through this. Together." Everyone's already miserable enough, why did he have to go make it worse? Why was he such a dick? Questions run through his mind, as Joker's tears continue to fall. Kaidan's shirt was going to be stained. Yet the spectre doesn't make a move to push him away or force him to stop. He holds Joker closer, burying his own face into Joker's shoulder as well. "I've got you. I promise we're all going to make it through together. It's alright Joker. Everything's going to be okay." His words become a quiet, soothing chant, which only coaxed more tears out of Jeff. He holds onto Kaidan as tightly as he can, a silent plea for him to not go anywhere.

In case this wasn't clear enough, I love exploring dynamics the game didn't give us enough of.