Hugs from Rouge are therapeutic. Warm, comforting, protective...safe.
Sonic couldn't deny how much his mood lifted up after Rouge's hug. When his mind grew too loud, his fake smiles came effortlessly, and his heart beat heavily with pain...it seemed like a hug from a friend helped make that go away and to ease the pain. Even if it's temporary, the present disappears and he's almost real. Almost.
Just like on the Ark with Shadow...Shadow...
Shadow...he made that disappear...but that scared Sonic. Opening himself up was one thing, kissing a friend was another. Sonic...as much as he would like not to think about that, for now at least, he admits that it was nice...being that intimate with Shadow was nice. But, being in a relationship when Sonic is like this...that's out of the question really. 'Who would want a pretender, a faker, me, as their other? Nobody.'
Mindlessly, Sonic used a spoon pinched between his fingers to stir his now cold tea, silent as a mouse while he consciously avoids Rouge's gaze again. Rouge eyed him carefully, getting him to open up is like trying to unravel a tricky riddle, complicated. Sonic's heart pounded from heart to stone, heart to stone. One moment he's comfortable and feeling safe enough to let down his mask and reveal his real self. Then the next, he closes up, tells you what he wants you to hear so you don't have to be worried about him, so you believe that he's okay when he's not.
"Chaos I'm being pathetic you know." Sonic joked with a quiet laugh, breaking the silence, though it lacked the real mirth behind it."I cry too easily..."
Even as she stared, Rouge saw his demeanor shift before her eye-shadowed gaze. It happened in an instant, for a brief moment the bat could see his heart beating to stone, she watched the light in his eyes dim. Though she watched, with twisted fascination and deep concern, as Sonic hid behind his walls.
Rouge frowned, "Sonic. Look at me." She said this once again. "Please look at me."
His stirring stopped, the spoon against the glass clattering quietly, though it sounded as loud as bombs in that now deathly silent room. Frozen like a stone statue, the hedgehog refused to look up at her.
Getting help.
Seeking comfort.
Wanting to feel real.
Wishing to be happy again.
Chaos his heart yearned for this. It is the fear that holds him back. The one that claws at his chest in cold gripping fear. He's had his expectations be set before him, he's been forced to push aside what he truly wants in order to make everybody happy, except he wasn't happy.
Now he has that shot of freedom, to escape the shackles those expectations placed on him. Sonic doesn't have to live as a faker no more. The world looks to him like a hero capable of handling the pressure to be perfect. There's the hope in his eyes that can never be completely wiped away, the real him that doesn't hide behind masks and isn't afraid of anybody's opinion, that's the Sonic everybody knows.
That's the side of Sonic that he's afraid to show, the one he's learned to hide. Rouge can see how tense his body became. He feels as if he's the prey and she's the predator. Which hurt Rouge. But she does not blame him, he's been hurt and this is how he will respond. Protecting himself by protecting his friends. But Sonic's a friend, friends help friends.
With slight reluctance, Sonic glances up towards Rouge nervously. "I'm sorry-"
"-You have nothing to be sorry about," Rouge says, reassuring Sonic that it's okay. "Listen to me. You are not pathetic. Don't you ever think of yourself like that. You're so much more than that, remember. You matter. You've always mattered and you always will."
"That's the thing, Rouge. I don't feel like I matter. Not to you, not to me, not to anybody." Sonic said, his hands dropped into his lap, shoulders drooping, and head submissively lowered down. A saddened look, crestfallen and sorrowful overtook his features. The desperation in his eyes, the tremble in his body, the quiver in his lips.
"Why do you feel like this? We want to make this better for you, we want to help you get better and to be you. I know you're scared to speak from your heart, to speak from your mind, to even speak for yourself."
"...If I speak from my heart...the world would never look at me the same. I want to break down their expectations, I want to be me again. I really do. But I'm still scared, I'm still hurt, because what if the real me isn't the hero this world needs?" The strain in his voice was as noticeable as daylight. He stood up in an instant, chair shoved forcefully backwards onto the floor, Sonic's ears were pinned down and he looked desperately at Rouge who was startled from the sudden movement. "I've been the hero they needed. If I was the one they actually wanted then I'd be the real me. But I'm not! Am I!? I'm not! Because the real me isn't good enough for anybody! I'm not good enough! I'm not good enough for my friends, for my family, for me!" Hysterical almost, Sonic's voice rose with each word, his voice raw with hurt.
He stopped.
Frozen in place.
Eyes widening with self-awareness. The realization that he's not just hurt by this, that he's more affected by everything than he thought, that he's angry. Anger is not an emotion he's used to, though numbness is.
Sonic's shocked at himself for his outburst. He did not mean to lose control like that. Rouge is helping him, and he yells at her?
"I- I-" He's speechless, more than stunned, and he's so goddamned ashamed of himself.
"You don't have to be sorry, hun." Rouge stood up, though in a gentler manner than Sonic did, she walked close to Sonic though she left a foot of space between them. "Bottling that up, hiding what you feel...it's hurting you. That's why you gotta let us help you, and it's not going to be easy." Rouge said, she crossed her arms over her chest. "This is going to be a process of recovery, this isn't just a 'mask' situation anymore." 'The mask is just the beginning of your grief.'
"...Then what is it? What's wrong with me?" The hedgehog asks with a softened voice as if he's afraid of talking.
"Nothing is wrong with you, that negativity here is messing with your head. Like I said, recovery, in order to feel yourself again, you've got to heal first."
"Rouge, how...how do you know it's like a...recovery process?"
"Because of Shadow, of course, he went through this in the past just as you are right now," Rouge said, the answer made Sonic's head snap up. "I think that's why you came here in the first place. Even if you didn't consciously know it at the time, you knew it in your mind. Shadow could help because he knows what it's like."
"...I trust Shadow...I feel safe with him...protected...more than I should feel like." Sonic said slowly, admitting this aloud sent a wave of vulnerability over him, making his chest tighten in fear. "I think- I think I messed up on the Ark."
The bat picked up, fairly quickly, how anxious Sonic can become like he is now. In her head, she begins to pick up his behavior. With her super-attentive hearing, she could hear Sonic taking shaky breaths, trying to calm himself down with no avail. Rouge took Sonic's hand into her own, gently squeezing his hand. "Breathe. Slowly in, then slowly out. In, out." She repeated the two words again, then again, and again. Eventually Rouge added onto it. "You're okay...You're safe...You're loved...You're appreciated..."
Sonic looked ready to cry again, he struggled to breathe calmly with his body reduced to trembling, how could he when his thoughts were running rampant in anxiousness. Time slowed down impossibly slow, what really was ten minutes had been like ten hours past by. Rouge held onto his hand, running her fingers along his palm in soothing circles while speaking comforting words to Sonic.
'...How does Shadow do it? How come I can't? Why am I still a Faker?'
. . .
WARNING: Lightly? implied sexual assault (it's implied but isn't actually direct or real, just some bad communication skills in the heat of the moment). Also a few swear words.
. . .
Knuckles' has had enough of everything lately. Every time they're close enough to understand Sonic, to help him, something always goes wrong. New obstacles pop up and they have to deal with that while Sonic and Shadow are off alone. The thought of the ebony hedgehog boiled Knuckles' blood. Knuckles should've been there for Sonic in the past, he should be there for him now.
And he wasn't. He wasn't and Shadow was. Except Shadow isn't the most trustworthy person in Knuckles' eyes. Far from it actually. Which is why after giving Tails a long needed dose of reality he was at the end of his patience. Why, even fabric scissors could cut the tiniest threads keeping his patience in line.
"I said that I'd trust you. For Rouge's sake. For the sake of my best friend, I said I'd trust you with him. You wanna tell me what the fuck you did that's pushed him further into his shell? To hurt him!?" Knuckles hissed, dragging Shadow outside and releasing him in a shove. Tails watched from the doorway, afraid and ashamed. But the teen did nothing as Knuckles went off on Shadow.
Shadow allowed himself to be dragged, he didn't feel the bone crushing grip the echidna had on his arm. He's too preoccupied at the moment with his head. Shadow couldn't stop himself from feeling guilty. Getting that friendly, that intimate with Sonic isn't the right thing to do, it isn't what he intended to do and now he's afraid that Sonic shut himself away from every body this time. He can see the way that mask works, it works in shields that can be stripped down to reveal a scared person who just wants to be accepted. It's like a shield itself, Sonic's mental defenses both protect and hurt him at once. Like a poison and a cure in one, not truly fixed, not truly broken, but still functioning.
Sonic let himself be vulnerable around him, he wanted Shadow's help. But Shadow is the reason Sonic is hiding behind a mask this time. An action he will not forgive himself for.
"...I took advantage of him..." That's what left Shadow's mouth, but that's not what he meant. Not at all.
Silence.
Tense. Awful. Deafening.
Silence.
"You. Did. What?" Knuckles' voice took on an aggressive, malice-filled tone. One that matched his changing demeanor, his body stance ready to pounce and beat the life out of the ultimate lifeform.
Shadow could feel the tan in his muzzle drain away in paleness once he realize that that wasn't the right thing to say, at all.
The echidna's mind stopped processing rational thoughts clearly. His body shaking with barely contained rage. Knuckles balled his hands into fists that could break stone, everything in his sight bleeding red with fury.
Shadow...he took advantage of Sonic?
He hurt Sonic?
He took advantage?!
Before Shadow could correct himself Knuckles lashed out, his mind out for revenge, finally allowing himself to fall under the influence of his anger. He doesn't have mercy for those who break promises. Especially for people who hurt his friends.
hhhhhhh...emotions, am I right. it's a real big mess.
Thank you all for the reviews, thank you for the support, I love you guys so much.
Leave a comment or question in the reviews about this chapter please, those are incredibly encouraging and uplifting for this tired author.
EDIT: I added about three paragraphs in here, but it's okay, it's more of clarification on current feelings if that makes sense. It doesn't. I'm super sleep deprived but I really wanted to update.
EDIT: I know Shadow didn't take advantage of Sonic, however he feels (incredibly) guilty for the kiss and used a poor set of words in a case of miscommunication.