The Poet and the Muse
Chapter 3:
Jinx still had her hand extended out to shake mine. I shook my head and abruptly stood up. She fell out of my lap onto the crystalline floor of Tzeentch's inner sanctum. She sneered up at me, anger blazing in her eyes. I stepped over her and briskly approached Tzeentch. I got as close as I could to him as he levitated in the air. Is it dangerous to portray yourself as hostile to your own god? Yes, but I need answers and I'm in no mood for his bullshit.
"What the fuck is she doing here?" I growled at Tzeentch.
"Considering that you're the one typing out my dialogue as I speak, shouldn't you be asking yourself that question?" he answered.
I clench and unclench my teeth as I go to answer but the words repeatedly fail me. Tzeentch smiled wide. He lowered himself a bit, flipped over, and begun circling slowly around me, upside down.
"I just wanted to see what caught your eye," he snickered as he pointed to one of his nonexistent eyes while hovering in the blind spot from my missing eye, "to see if you've learned your lesson yet."
"Lesson? What lesson?" I snapped.
"Oh ho ho! I'm so glad you asked."
Tzeentch swiftly swiveled upright. He clapped his hands twice and cried out, "Lucien!"
Then he unfolded his bony legs and placed them on the ground. As he did so, the ground erupted as the rapidly expanding form of Tzeentch grew out of it like a weed. I stood in his palm, shaken and terrified, as we stretched up into the stary expanse of the cosmos. Then Tzeentch trotted across his own palm in a most alien and gangly gait. He stopped, extended a skeletal arm, and Lucien the rainbow raven landed on it. In his beak was a wrap with a mass in it. Tzeentch reached in and pulled out a stack of books. I already knew what they were…they were my books.
Tzeentch shoos Lucien away with a flick of his wrist. Now the giant Tzeentch is gone and we're both standing in the endless expanse of space where waves of blue and clouds of purple wash over all of existence. He tossed the stack of my books into the air. I ran to catch them but as I move my fleet flail in the nothingness below them. Now we're both floating in the expanse as my books drift into a neat little row. Tzeentch refolded his legs and thumbs open the one book he held onto. Its cover hollow yet dark, shroud in an ethereal fog. It's one out of the lost section of the Great Library.
"Why don't we pop in," Tzeentch said with a smile as he whipped open the pages. Blinding white light shot forth from the pages and a mass of oppressive gravity stretched my body in a length as long as my molecules thin. My stringy unmade mass siphoned into the white hole. For a flash, all was rainbows…then all was black.
I opened my eye to find myself face first in the snow. I sat up in a waist deep trough of it. I find myself dressed in a slapdash assemblage of adventurer's garments, black leather armor, and a grey cloak. My staff is still the same and still in my right hand. A weight laid across my back. I turned my head to recognize the black, gold, and dragon encrusted hilt of my sword. The biting cold of the north lands stings against my face. As it does so, searing pain raced through my still absent left eye.
The memory struck me in flashes like cold lightning. The little lady of the wolves turned assassin straddled my body as she stabbed her dagger bathed in red star light. In a last ditch effort, I opened the Gate and telekinetically threw her through into the void of a galaxy very far away from this world. My absent eye burned with cold agony. In the middle of that noble family's grove behind their castle walls, sub-zero air filled my lungs as I gasped for breath. I had won the trial by combat. Next the Raven would die.
"Thanks, dick," Tzeentch sneered at me. My mind snapped out of the memory. There was Tzeentch in his full Tzeentchiness wrapped in winter robes with a cloak's hood over his head as he sat on a horse. I scrambled…less than gracefully on the ice and mud…to my feet.
"You were the Raven the whole time?" I exclaim.
"Who else but me would be?" Tzeentch replied with a smile.
I stared forward in disbelief. Then I turned towards the god and shrugged.
"Sorry boss. I didn't know it was you."
"Meh! Don't fret over it. It was fun," he said.
What can I say to that? This world my story takes place in is not my own. It's but a piteous imitation of an adaptation of "ice and fire". Somewhere between hating one conclusion and tired of waiting for another, I thought I had have my fun with it. I wanted to know if I could "fix it" with all my outside knowledge. Well that and I brought a cherished relic of my childhood with me.
A hurricane winds bowled me over and I find myself as a bird in the air. Racing below me is what appeared to be a red comet streaking through the sky. Only this comet has wings and a long tail with a flame at its end. Char. He was my first collectible monster who grew into a ten foot tall bipedal dragon who knew martial arts. Why would I bring such a beast to a "world of ice and fire"?
"Because even though it's much smaller; a Charizard is stronger, smarter, and wildly faster than any naturally occurring scaley winged flame throwers in the region," Tzeentch explained as he fluttered next to be as a neon turquoise hawk, "and that's hysterical."
It's true. I could have conquered all of Westeros with a single Pokémon…but you couldn't let it be a joke. You just had to make it "legit". I thought it would cool to have a dragon wield the great sword, "Dragonslayer"; but when I forged that six foot long, hundred pound blade for Char I inadvertently opened the door for the powers of its world to seep through. Slowly things went…berserk.
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Char would lose his right eye and underneath my nose he transformed into something with more "guts".
"Now let's focus on your true failing," Tzeentch said.
"My true failing?" I questioned.
Tzeentch flapped his wings and the world is subsumed in his feathers. They fall away to set a scene of three men standing before the Dragon Queen in a palace of flowers. I know this scene painfully well. Me and Tzeentch lingered as shdows in the corner of the great hall. I wormed my way into her services as an advisor (having the supersonic dragon knight really helped with that btw) and with my "outsider knowledge" the war went considerably better.
We were encircling the enemy in the capitol by bringing all the other kingdoms to our side. By a long series of unfortunate and treacherous circumstances, the kingdom that grew ALL of the food had had its reigning family, um…annihilated. So they needed a new ruler and the Dragon Queen was going to pick one. There was a budding romance between me and her, her ex-boyfriend/nephew was out of the picture (but not dead. I didn't kill that honorable idiot), we were well on our way to flawless victory, she named me as the new ruler of the kingdom, which would ennoble me…
"…and I said, 'no'," I said aloud but none could hear me, save Tzeentch who cackled with joyous insanity as we watch the scene play out. In a moment of stubborn pride I said no to all of my fantastical dreams for no reason I could clearly articulate…
"…but not one I couldn't explain," Tzeentch whispered.
"Care to share with class?" I quipped at him.
"How does the saying go? It is better to show than tell."
He threw his cloak over me and I find myself drowning in the sea. This is the part where, after the romance with the Dragon Queen died in the fiery explosion of a heated argument, I went to go deal with the Pirate King. Since this world was an imitation of the adaptation, I anticipated him to be a vulgar thug. What I found instead was the dark sorcerer of the original world. He laid me low and water filled my lungs and my eye closed for good. Just before the darkness claimed me, my mind envisioned a scene: the capitol city is in flames and Char, with sword in claws and adorned in full bestial armor, is the only thing standing between the dark sorcerer and the Dragon Queen. The sound of battle filled the air.
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Darkness takes me.
Then I'm awoken, drenched and gasping for breath on the floor of Tzeentch's inner sanctum.
"What the fuck!" Jinx shouted as she hopped backwards, "You two were just standing there, then you booped out here, then a second later you booped back, and now you're getting the floor wet."
I rolled over onto my stomach, puked up the salt water from my lungs, and stared incredulously up at her. She stared down at me unblinking, straight faced.
"Well, are you going to clean up after yourself like a big boy or not?" she chided me.
Tzeentch floated over, flipped himself upside down over my head, covered the side of his mouth with his hand and loudly whispered, "Odie, I totally get what you see in her." I turned my head to his face but before I can express my severe discontent, Jinx chimed in.
"Odie? Your name is Odie?"
"N-ye-look," I stammered, "it's short for-,"
"Nuh uh. Your name is Odie," Jinx spoke over me as kneeled down and flicked my nose with her finger, "Boop."
I scowled, growled, and muttered as I rose to my feet. I glared down my nose at Jinx who met my silent rage with wide-eyed mischief as she bit her lower lip.
"Eh hem!" Tzeentch cleared his throat, "Odie, quit making moon eyes at the new girl; and Jinxy, be nice to your senpai."
Fuck this noise! Jinx pranced in place as she giggled maniacally. I'm legitimately annoyed but she's just so cute I can't- Then I'm struck by a horrible realization. I'm being setup as the tsundere…
"Eh, we'll see how it plays out," Tzeentch said.
"Boss, are we done here?" I snapped at him.
Tzeentch turned his head towards me and holds up a lengthy and dusty tome.
"Nooot quite," he chuckled.
"Oh no…," I said, grasping hold of my head. I know exactly what tale that is.
"Oh yes!" Tzeentch screamed as he flipped open the book and I found myself sucked into another white hole.
I come to in a grassy field. Farms trailed off into the horizon as a stream of carts marched down a paved road into a palace covered in flowers. Tzeentch has brought me to the unwritten revision to the first story. In this version of the tale I reimagined myself as a space warrior monk who led a failed rebellion against his order who crash landed on this planet. He had no knowledge of this world or it's history, nor a supersonic dragon knight, but he was gifted with superhuman physicality and various mental powers. As well as a retractable sword of purple starlight.
"And what choice did he make different?" Tzeentch asked as he took a seat next to me.
"Well given his material differences, many choices were substantially different…"
Tzeentch rolled his non-existent eyes as I blathered on, fruitlessly trying to delude both him and myself. He slapped the shit out of me to shut me up.
"Quit playing dumb and answer the fucking question," he commanded.
I sighed heavily and swallowed hard.
"He accepted the position," I mumbled.
"Uh huh…and how did that turn out for him?"
Incredibly well. Together; he, the Dragon Queen, and the Honorable Idiot won the war easily. He introduced the queen to the heretical teachings of the man who was both "master of light and lord of darkness"…
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…which helped her mind a balance in her own mind. They went on to have two kids together, the boy named after said heretical figure (who proved to be gifted in both the light and the dark). The space monk went on to use his knowledge of advance technologies to dramatically improve their society. The flower kingdom became a full fledged democratic-republic and the larger collection of the kingdoms became a constitutional monarchy. There were challenges…namely in the form of the Honorable Idiot's little sister who became an assassin who became a lord of darkness…put they were met and overcome.
"What did your son call his collection of warriors walking the path between light and dark?" Tzeentch asked.
"The Grey Knights," I answered.
As soon as the words have left my mouth, I realize what he's saying to me. In the universe this story occupies, the one made by the gits across the pond, the elite demon hunters of the Imperium are also called "Grey Knights". I stared at Tzeentch with pleading eyes.
"Why?" I asked.
He slowly turned his head towards me, "Wouldn't it be funny?"
I gasped for breath at the thought. It filled me with cold dread. The claws of the monster danced up my spine. Tzeentch placed his bony hand on my shoulder.
"I'm not telling you it will happen but I'm also not telling you it won't. Be ready for it. Find your resolve, lest it be your undoing, and you do not have my permission to die," Tzeentch said, "Now don't let that cloud obscure your sight. You've only got one good eye anyways."
I chuckled in reply. Tzeentch keeps his gaze fixed on me.
"Do you understand what lesson you are being told to learn?" Tzeentch asked me.
I grunt, "I feel like there's 5ish lessons for me to learn in this mess."
"Wise ass," Tzeentch sneered.
He grabbed me by the collar and threw me back into his inner sanctum. I go tumbling head over ass across the hard ground. Tzeentch swatted his hands together to knock off the dust from them.
"Now we're done. Leave."
With a snap of his fingers, Jinx and I are shifted out of the inner sanctum into the library. I leaned against a bookshelf to gather my senses. Jinx stared at me, bent down, head sideways, her long hair dragging across the floor, biting her lip.
"What now," her eyes gleamed and she grinned as she spoke, "Senpai?"
"Furgggh hurmmmna shhhugggah hurrrggghha nurgggaa," I hissed as I stood up, "Don't call me that."
"Aw! I don't even know what it means but it's so much fun to annoy you with it. So what's next, Senpai?"
I looked towards the shelf I had been leaning against. It's the shelf of my finished works. I pick up my most recent novel, flip through it till I find what I'm looking for. I reached my hand wrist deep inside the page. With a firm grasp on the handle, I pull out my sword: the jian with the black and gold dragon encrusted hilt, and a blade lined with carefully etched runes of power. As far as I'm concerned I still have a deadly dueling date with a fascist angel. If I'm to stab her in her heart, I'd be prudent to have something capable of stabbing in repertoire. But that day is probably a ways off.
"Well Missus J," I said with my best Brooklyn accent, "I do believe we were instructed to kill us some puppies."
Shock and horror filled Jinx's face.
"Uh…I'm not that evil!"
I snap my fingers to play out the realization, "Oh right! I meant 'pups'. That's what the furries call them. We gonna make some metaphorical pelts out of a bunch of enforcer thugs used to keep the boot on the back of the neck of every freak, loser, and fuck up in this galaxy. You in?"
Jinx flung a belt of chattering explosive devices over her should, cocked the SharkPG, and blew the singular pointed bang of hair out of her face.
"Just point them out and I'll show them the 'boom boom pow pow'," she said.
"Oh! That's what you could use," I cried out as I have an epiphany.
I drew a sigil of light in one hand, muttered the incantation, and slapped either side of Jinx's thighs. She responded by punching me in the face.
"Watch yourself perv," she growled.
I first crack my lower jaw back into place. Only a minor dislocatin. Still hurts like a bitch. I fiddle about with it for a minute before I go to speak. I calmly cleared my throat and spoke softly.
"Bitch, you're welcome. Now you got dimensional pockets in your pockets."
"Wait, really?" she exclaimed.
Jinx took the SharkPG and shoved it straight into her pants pocket without issue.
"Neat," she said, "Can you show me how to do that?"
"Later…,maybe. For now you worry about the tech and I worry about the magic. Saavy?" I said as I extended my hand.
"Saavy?" she snapped back in her best British accent, "Alright Senpai, that might just fly."
We shook hands and I opened a Gate out of there back to the materium.
"Excellent," I hissed, "first we're off to see the Wizard."
"The wizard?" Jinx questioned.
"The Wonderful Wizard of Red!"
"Please don't sing."
"I won't sing if you don't dance."
"I promise nothing," Jinx shot back.
A smile cracked across my face. Jinx draws one on her own with her pointer fingers.
"Jinxy, I think this the start of a beautiful friendship," I do best Boggart (which ain't that great).
We strode arm in arm into the portal, off to whatever madness this little tale discovers for us. First stop the ruins of old Prospero, to have a little chat with one Magnus the Red: demon primarch of Tzeentch, leader of the Thousand Sons legion, one of the Emperor's traitorous sons, Guilliman's brother, and man who will definitely be "happy" to see me.