December 25, 1940
Jen chose to work on Christmas. It was the only thing. In years past, she always spent Christmas alone. Back in Harlem, she'd been invited to spend it with her landlady, Bernice. That had been nice. Not being totally alone, at least. Bernice was the best friend and sister and mother all in one that Jen had never had before, but in a small way, she did always feel out of place and like a charity case whenever she was at Bernice's for the holidays.
Last year, she'd been new on Homicide. Matt had been sweet and invited her to spend Christmas with him and his dad, but she'd declined, deciding to stay at the station instead and pretend like it wasn't Christmas. She was missing Nick something fierce and almost went back to his brownstone just to see if he might have been there, but she resisted. No, she'd just kept her head down and ignored the holiday. Same as she was doing this year.
Only this year, she wasn't the only one at the station on Christmas. They had just closed a huge case with a serial killer, and Jen, Nick, Matt, Simon, and Duncan were all still finishing up the paperwork. She offered to take some more on for the boys so they could go spend the holiday with their families. Simon's mother was waiting for him. Duncan had at least one girlfriend who was offering a merry Christmas to him. Matt had to get to his father. And Nick…well, Jen didn't know what Nick did for Christmas. He was Jewish, she knew, but that didn't necessarily mean he didn't also do something for the Christmas holiday, particularly because his mother and grandfather were long gone now, and he didn't have any other family.
She had a fantasy in her head of spending Christmas with Nick. How things might have been if their lives allowed for such things. Even if they were still undercover as the Claybournes. They would have woken up and perhaps shared a few kisses or made love in a slow, lazy, beautiful way. And then when they did get out of bed, they would have sat in the living room to open presents and then cooked breakfast together and spent the day with Christmas music on the radio and a fire going and wrapped up together.
Jen shook herself. It was no good thinking like that. She had ended things with Nick because she couldn't bear to live with the stress of it all anymore. It was too hard to hide their happiness at work, knowing that it put their jobs—hers especially—in jeopardy. And it was too hard to be happy when they were at home together to know that they would have to pack their love away into a box so they could do their jobs. It had to be better this way, just being partners at work and nothing more, like they'd done for months.
Only Jen knew it wasn't enough. Nick had been tense and unhappy for weeks, lashing out at everyone. She had broken his heart. Both their hearts, actually. But Nick was always so calm and gentle and easygoing and now he was like a different person. And she had done that, she knew. She tried to keep out of his way to give him the time and space to get over it and return to himself. And he would, eventually. He had to.
"Right, I've done my report, who needs help finishing?" Jen announced to the squad.
"You sure you don't mind, Jen?" Matt asked.
"I'm sure. You've all got plans, and I don't. No use all of us staying here if we don't have to," she answered.
"That would be great," Simon said.
She smiled. "I'm going to get some coffee. Just put your notes on my desk." With that, she got up to go to the breakroom.
Part of Jen was sad that the boys were going to leave her alone; it was nice to all be working together on the holiday in a weird sort of way. But she meant what she said, there was no reason their holiday should be ruined. And she needed something to keep her occupied anyway.
"Stop right there!"
Jen froze, coffee cup in hand, in the doorway to the breakroom at the sound of Duncan's voice. "What?"
Duncan grinned. "Mistletoe."
She looked up and saw that there was indeed a sprig of mistletoe over her head. Jen rolled her eyes. "Alright, then. Line up, one at a time."
All the boys did as she said, coming over one by one to kiss her. Duncan came first and leaned down so Jen could kiss his cheek. He grinned the whole time in that mischievous way of his. Next was Simon, who tried to kiss her lips, but she turned her head just in time so he caught her cheek. Matt came all nervous, and he blushed something fierce when Jen pressed her lips to his cheek. Nick was last in line. Jen felt her heart beat faster as he came closer. He leaned in close and whispered, "Merry Christmas, Jen." His lips brushed lightly against the corner of her mouth. Jennifer felt her knees go weak and her head felt light.
When he pulled back, Jen swallowed hard and gave herself a little shake. "Alright, I'm going back to work. If you want to get out of here, make sure to give me what you've got."
Matt and Simon and Duncan all took Jen up on her offer, and she assured them all once again that she didn't mind. And soon, it was just Jen and Nick alone at their desks.
"You don't have plans for today?" she asked.
He shrugged. "Matt invited me with his dad, which is what I used to do back when we were partners before. But I…"
Jen looked at Nick curiously as he trailed off. "You what?"
"I wanted to spend Christmas with you," he confessed softly. "I know this is all we're going to have, so let's just work side by side and not talk about it. It's fine."
"Okay," Jen answered. They both got back to work, but Jen couldn't help sneaking glances to him and biting her tongue so she didn't admit that all she wanted for Christmas was to spend it with him, too.
January 24, 1941
Christmas and New Year's passed without much excitement. Nick spent both holidays working. With Jennifer. Which was all he wanted anyway. His broken heart had been stitched back together by her constant presence and professionalism. She didn't dangle herself in front of him, teasing him with what he couldn't have. And really, he wouldn't have expected her to. She wasn't like that. She had broken things off because she was devoted to the job and felt like they couldn't have both. She didn't like the secrecy of being together and hiding it on the job. He couldn't fault her for that. Well, he did for a little while, but he knew what Homicide meant to her. He didn't want to do anything to take it away from her. From either of them, really.
Nick just wished she could be a little braver and give him another chance. They could have everything. He knew it could work out if they wanted it to. He'd do anything to be with her. Jesus Christ, he loved her more than he ever thought possible. He wasn't going to let her go. And if she didn't want to be with him romantically, he'd take whatever he could get. He'd be her partner on Homicide and treasure every moment he could have with her.
It took Nick two months to get to that frame of mind. Matt and Duncan both noticed that he'd been off his game and asked him what was wrong, but he brushed them off. They were his friends. Good friends. But this wasn't something he could share with anyone.
In a weird way, Nick actually felt like the only person he could talk to about all this was Abe Reles. For some strange reason, the Murder Inc. assassin had become a brother to Nick as an adult in the way the Shapiro Brothers had been his brothers in childhood. But Abe was in protective custody somewhere the rest of the mob couldn't get him. He had given up half a dozen big players in the Italian families and the Jewish mob, too. The next target was Albert Anastasia, co-chief of Murder Inc. The trial was set for later in the year, but word was that Anastasia was going to be arrested in the next week or so, as soon as the DA could get Reles to testify for the grand jury and get an indictment against Anastasia. Nick wasn't going to be getting anywhere Abe for quite some time, if ever.
Nick was home, feeling sorry for himself and indulging in his loneliness that weekend, thinking about Reles and Jen and everything else, when a knock came at his door. That was odd. Nick didn't usually have visitors when he was home. Not anymore, at least. Jen wasn't with him anymore—and he'd given her a key while they'd been together—and Nick had done a pretty good job of alienating any friendship with Duncan and Matt over the last few months. There was no reason anyone should be bothering him on a Saturday afternoon.
He went to the door, curious but wary. He straightened the blue sweater he wore and made sure his beige pants were zipped properly. And when he looked through the peephole, he was glad he'd checked on his appearance.
It was Jen.
Nick opened the door, shocked to see her. "Hi," he greeted, not knowing what else to say.
She shifted nervously, bundled up in a gorgeous fur coat and gloves in the snowy January weather. "Can I come in? I didn't want to use my key, considering…"
"Sure, come in," he said, moving aside to let her come into the house.
She took off her scarf and gloves and coat. Underneath, she was wearing a beautiful pink dress. She looked great in pink. Feminine and soft, the perfect marriage with her intelligent, strong personality.
"Can I get you something? Coffee or beer or something?" Nick offered.
"Not just now," she answered. She gazed up at him, searching his face for something.
"What is it?" he asked.
Jen took a deep breath and let it out in a huff of determination. "I was home and missing you and realized how stupid I've been."
"You're not stupid," he interrupted.
A small smile played on her lips. "With this, I have been. I've been so afraid about everything, letting the job get in the way. And maybe that is a legitimate concern, but I think I was just scared. I know I was. I thought there was no way you could be real, that this thing between us could be as good as I thought it was. I was so sure it was going to end in heartbreak, so I let all my fears take me over and…I was wrong," she said finally.
"You were?"
"I was. I see you every day, Nick, and I still feel like I'm missing you every single moment. And I don't know what made me think of it today, but the truth is that there's no reason I need to keep missing you when you're right here."
Nick took one tentative step forward. "I'm right here, Jen," he murmured.
"So am I," she whispered, gazing up at him.
"A-are you sure?"
"I am," she said with a certainty that he'd never expected. "I'm sure now and I'm sure I'll never change my mind. I won't do this to you—to us—ever again. You're what I want, Nick, if you'll have me back."
He didn't have the words to tell her everything in his heart. How much he missed her. How much he loved her. So instead, he just gathered her into his arms and kissed her.