"What do you think safety is? Do you think it's tangible, like a physical fact, or do you think it's a state of mind?"
Lexi was laid out on the hood of the Cadillac, dangling her toes off the edge. They were parked in a field a few miles out of town, so the stars brightened overhead, and they couldn't hear much more than the sporadic lows of cows nearby, and the rustling of leaves as the gentle breeze ushered past them.
"State of mind, fo' sure." Fez said. "Unless you're literally locked up in a steel box or some shit, which also doesn't actually sound too safe. Sounds mad stressful to me, to be honest. I think safety is an illusion if anything, and it's always temporary."
He was leaned up on the passenger side, his back against the rearview mirror. Blunt in hand, sickly sweet haze drifting over Lexi, the smell would stick on her clothes, in her hair.
"I don't think I've felt safe since I was a little kid." She said.
"Why don't you feel safe, Lexi?" he asked. She considered this for a long moment.
"I do sometimes maybe, like you said though, temporary. And brief. For the most part, probably the instability at home, no dad around to make me feel secure, I guess. Moms a little hopeless. Cassie tried, in her own way, I think."
"You feel safe right now?" he asked. He reached over, putting his hand in her hair, running his fingers through it for a brief moment. She looked up at him, admiring his clear blue eyes and the way the moonlight caught the muscles in his neck. "'Cuz you are. That's tangible, like you say – a physical fact."
She smiled, and tried to relax her body. She wiggled around for a moment, and he snorted.
"Ok wiggly Caterpillar girl, scoot over." He said, hopping onto the hood, handing her the blunt in one graceful movement.
"Movement helps me feel more in tune with my own body." She said. "Normally I'm floating above it or something."
He carefully, shyly, slid his hand onto her belly. Her breath caught, nerves immediately.
"Fill your stomach with your breath." He said. "Like, when you breathe right, your belly fills with air too. It's how babies sleep. Our nervous system gets all jacked up later, and we don't do it right anymore. But breathe in."
She laughed, a short giggle, he could hear she was nervous.
"Breathe, Lex."
She filled her lungs with air. She was suddenly aware of the smells around her, the exhaust from the car, the wet grass in the field, the smell of his cologne. Her stomach raised slightly as she intentionally pushed air into it. She paused for a second, and then puffed it all out. She did it again, before he asked, because she could tell he was going to. A few breaths later he rubbed her stomach with finality, satisfied.
"Better." She said.
"Good." He said.
"Can I have a hit?" she said.
"Always." He said. He handed her the blunt. It tasted like strawberry candy. It also tasted like him.
They'd circled back to the bar, so Lexi could find Cassie.
"I'll be right out here when you're done." Fez said, taking out his phone.
"Do you want to say hi?" she said. "I'm sure she'd love to see you."
"The sober-queen of Santa Barbara doesn't need to see the guy that used to sell her Molly." He said, grinning ironically.
"Fair enough." She said, dipping back inside.
She found Cassie fully involved in a conversation with a girl she recognized from the dance team.
"Hey, I ran into someone, and I'm gonna get a ride home with him." She said to Cassie.
Cassie's mouth popped open, and she brightened immediately.
"Don't be weird." Lexi insisted, but Cassie squealed anyways. Then she paused. How many guys did her sister know, anyways? She blinked.
"Fezco?" Cassie asked, it dawning on her.
"The one and only." Lexi sighed. "Just wanted you to know I hadn't bailed."
"He's not in jail?" Cassie said "I'm shocked."
"To be fair, he looked after me more in high school than you did." Lexi said bluntly. Cassie's face grimaced, but they both knew there was a truth to that. Cassie was her own brand of fucked-up back then, and between the two, it had been Lexi with a steady head on her shoulders. With a frown and a shrug, she shoved Lexi's shoulder.
"Be safe."
"Always am."
She returned into the night, pausing to look at Fez as she left the warmth of the bar behind her. He'd filled out a bit, his shoulders looked wide and strong, his chest a bit more defined. They'd both been kids, of course, back then, but she was surprised at the physical differences. He looked healthier, for certain. Better dressed too, wearing pants that fit him well, just one simple chain at his neck. Nothing flashy, nothing that set him apart from a crowd.
"All good?" he asked, and she nodded. He reached out his hand for her, almost without thinking about it, and with equal ease, she took it with both of hers.
They walked through the back lot.
"You still driving your grandma's Cadillac?" she asked, and he laughed.
"Nah, nah." He shook his head. "Love it though, I still have it, but I keep it under lock and key now. It draws a bit of attention, y'know. And it's loud." He led her to a shiny new Subaru WRX, blacked out, and opened the door for her. She climbed in, marveling slightly at the way the evening was going. She couldn't have imagined this would be the outcome, but she was glad for it. The interior was smooth leather, and it smelled intoxicatingly good.
"This is really nice." She said, tapping the dash as he slid in behind the steering wheel.
"It gets me from A to B." he said humbly. "It's fast, too, and lowkey. While maintaining street cred, or whatever." He laughed at himself. "Put something on the aux, I live up in the hills so we have a bit of a drive."
"By yourself?" she asked, pulling her phone out. She knew immediately what album she wanted to hear, to get lost in the nostalgia of whatever it was they had so long ago. The familiar trumpet intro of Mac Miller's Stay hit the base of the car, and her seat vibrated with the sound of it. He smiled over at her, shaking his head.
"Same old same old, that's my girl."
She flushed, slightly with anticipation, and then deeper red from the flattery. She felt all her senses were heightened, the hair on her skin was raised, the base vibrating through her stomach like bullets. Yet, she felt oddly relaxed, more calm than she'd felt since she'd been back. For the second half of her high school years, he'd been like a respite from all the bullshit. Like a focused point. That, and school. And he always made her put school stuff first, he never wanted to intervene in her focus. He said her brains were his favorite part about her, and she didn't need no distractions if it came at a cost of her long term goals.
"Tell me more about school." He said, as though he'd been listening to her thoughts. "I was serious when I said I wanted to hear whatever it was you said. Pre-carnival France?"
"Post-colonial."
"Yeah! That. What the fuck does that mean?" he said, laughing.
"The period following France's efforts and successes colonizing various territories. Technically started in like, 1534, but they got much better at it after 1830. Just a lot of resource conquering and genocide, y'know, history." She trailed off, watching the houses pass by quickly, listening to the hum of the engine.
The song was ending, the samples of moaning women filled the car. She started miming the sounds, like she was singing along with it, throwing her hair back dramatically. She arched her back, overexaggerating each movement like a grand performance. Uhhhh uhh right there! He hissed out his clenched teeth, shaking his head.
"Porn and genocide, huh?"
"I only have expertise in so many areas, Fez." She said, laughing. The song changed.
"That's what you're paying that school all that money for?" he chuckled. "Is it extra for all the…" he motioned at her. "…gyrating?"
"It'll cost you extra for sure." she smirked.
They were heading towards the hills now, she could see them glittering in the distance. She leaned forward, looking out the front window. He watched her, admiring the profile of her face, the way her nose delicately pointed, the way she absentmindedly still bit her bottom lip. Those big brown eyes he'd go swimming in if he could, her lashes so long they touched her eyelids. The road began to wind, and she leaned back, feeling the warmth of the liquor and the warmth of the environment and the
"Heated seats!" she said, delighted as she realized. She pointed at the glowing dash, at the small glowing red seat emblem. "That's damn classy, Fez."
"What can I say?" he said.
"Do you live by yourself?" she asked, remembering her question from before.
"Just me and Ash." He said. "We do alright, it's nothing special. He's not around tonight though, but it's been nice to have some space between us and town. I keep that old apartment too, though, for business, but now I've got a business-free space."
He glided the car around the curves gracefully, shifting as they accelerated and decelerated.
"It's been mad good for my mental health, I'm not gonna lie." He said.
"That's good. Distance is always helpful, huh."
"Certain distances, yeah."
They pulled into a driveway that had a gate, which he opened with a remote attached to the sun visor. It was a neatly kept little community, with tall-skinny modern townhouses that looked like duplexes. A long way from his early beginnings. They curved around a few different streets, and then he pulled up into a drive, the garage opening as he approached.
"It's really nice." She said. "I mean, I just live in dorms, so, y'know, big step up."
"You can always stay here when you're back home, if you want." He said nonchalantly, climbing out of the car. She paused, slightly stunned by the offer. Someone who she hadn't seen or spoken to in years, someone she cared for deeply, of course, but who'd been absent from her life in every tangible way for far too long, just casually offering. He was opening the car door for her, she realized, and then felt silly for taking the pause.
"That's really nice." She said.
"Sorry, was that too weird? I wasn't trying to be weird about it. It's just…it's different now, it's safe here. Separate from everything, yknow. And I have, like, a guest room and shit too, like,"
"No it wasn't weird. It was nice, like I said. And I might need it, who knows. Mom's off the deep end, as usual." She sighed as she climbed up out of the car.
"Come check it out." He said, guiding her through the garage and into the house. It opened into the mudroom, where there was a washer and dryer. "Gets better, promise."
Sure enough, he was right. The bottom floor had a sleek modern kitchen, simple and unflashy, but functional and stainless steel, shiny granite countertops. The living room was modestly furnished, with a mounted flat screen, LED strip lights bordered the room which she thought was charming. It reminded her of the dorms. The couches were low to the ground, good for chilling and smoking, there were three different video game consoles below the TV. Along one wall, beside the sliding glass door, was a fireplace. The floors were laminate wood. There was even a dining nook, with a modern looking chandelier. On the dining table were a couple handguns, taken apart to be cleaned, she figured.
"The bedrooms are upstairs." He nodded at the staircase to the right of the living room.
"I'm really impressed." She said, earnestly.
"It's not much." He said, sniffing, rubbing his nose. "It's really not. But it feels like home. Turns out Grandma saved a ton we didn't know about, found out when she passed, some lawyer called me up. I mean, not a ton, but something to land on. It's just rented, y'know, but it helped to have some cash up front to rent to some bum looking kids. We keep it quiet, keep it to ourselves."
She crossed through the kitchen, running her fingers across the countertops, trying to absorb it all. It's what he deserved, she thought.
"Can I?" she asked, pointing to the fridge.
"Oh, shit, yeah, of course. Whatever's in there is yours if you want it. You wanna smoke?"
"Hell yeah." She said, smiling.
He turned to the living room, slipping off his shoes and crossing to the fireplace, switching it on. He turned on the TV as well, switching to some chill lo-fi music. She set her purse down.
"Bathroom?" she asked.
"Uhh, to the left of where we came in, yeah, right there." He said, pointing and nodding as she caught sight of it.
She went in, closing the door behind her. It was nice, small, very clean. She turned on the faucet, catching her breath. She shook her head, absorbing the evening.
What was she going to do here? Sleep with him? Smoke and uber home? Trauma dump all over him, like she always had, like he'd always let her?
Was it worth trying to plan when none of this had been planned anyways?
She peed quickly, washed her hands. Watched herself in the mirror as she did. She looked good, she looked how she'd always felt, grown. Her freshman fifteen had settled in her hips and breasts, and she hadn't been mad about it. He'd always been polite about checking her out, he never veered or made her feel uncomfortable, but she could still sense him noticing things. They had a sense of one another, even after all this time. She took off her jacket, hanging it on the back of the door, and slipped off her shoes, wiggling her toes against the cold tile.
"Hey." She said, walking back into the room. He was sat, rolling a blunt on the coffee table. He looked up at her, and she saw him pause, his eyes lingering on the shape of her, her fitted black dress hugging her curves when it had mostly been under the coat before.
"Water, snacks." He said, pointing at the cold bottle he'd put out for her, and a couple different snack sized bags of chips. She grinned, genuinely happy to see the spread.
She settled onto the couch beside him, curling her legs up underneath her.
He honestly couldn't believe the way the night was playing out. He hadn't imagined he'd see her, and he'd been too nervous, sure for rejection. Plus, he'd wanted, genuinely, for her life to play out how it was supposed to. Without a drug dealer getting in the way of her dreams. Now there she was, casually curled on his couch, like she was supposed to be there. Comfortable. She was looking around the room, taking it all in, and she tied her hair up casually, revealing the delicate curve of her neck. Fuck he thought, trying to be cool.
He puffed on the blunt, lighting it with ease, and handed it over.
"You still a lil lightweight?"
"I've got some practice at this point, but I'm sure I'm lightweight compared to what you're used to seeing."
"Just take it easy, I won't be salty if you pause it."
"You always think I can't hang." She shook her head. "I'm cool now, man! Like, I did acid at a party last year, you woulda been so proud."
"I think you vastly misunderstand what makes me proud." He said, leaning back. "What's your GPA?"
She wrinkled her nose, not answering right away.
"It's really good, huh?" he said, smiling, nudging her.
"Yeahhh." She drew out the last syllable. "But I mean, it's nothing crazy."
"That makes me proud. None of that silly drug shit. I mean, good for you for branching out, I guess. You don't need none of it though."
"Tell me about what you've been up to." She said, taking a long drag. She exhaled, and he let his eyes rest on her mouth as she did. Effortlessly sexy, he thought. Coolest girl he'd ever met.
"Uhhh, shit, Lex." He said, shaking his head. Flashes of his life came to him in bursts, flashes of violence, deals, overdoses. It was all so tiring, but it was all he knew. There were highs, too, not just literal highs, but metaphorical ones.
"Ash got his GED. So did I, I guess." He shrugged it off, more proud of his little brother's accomplishment than his own. "We took a vacation to Mexico last year, that was dope." She smiled so bright his stomach flipped over. Genuinely happy for him.
"Most of the same old same old, though." he concluded.
She remembered some of the same old. He'd kept her at arm's distance from everything, as much as he possibly could. But still, things had steeped in. She'd seen things he wish he she hadn't. Things he had to do, and would do again. But nothing that wasn't necessary. What mattered, above all, was his people's safety.
"You been okay?" she asked softly.
His forehead furrowed, and he looked out the window.
"Few run ins here and there, Lex, I won't lie. Got a couple months in county, I'm not proud of it, but nothing beyond that. You don't gotta worry, I'm doing what I need to. Got some business management tactics lately that have been helpful."
"Should I inquire about details?" she said, and he shook his head.
"The less you know the better, just like always." He said.
She turned, facing him. She tucked her toes underneath his thigh, handing him the blunt.
"I missed you." She said, softly. He wouldn't look at her for a long moment.
"You're living the life you need to be living, Lexi." He said. "I had to remove myself for that to happen."
"Okay." She sighed, knowing it wasn't worth arguing about. She'd tried and failed, many times, many years before. "I'm just saying I missed you."
He put his hand on her knee, looking back at her finally.
"I'm not worth missing." He said.
"Don't start that shit with me." She snapped. "We're past that, Finnian."
"Ayy, don't use my government name against me." He laughed. "That's unfair and I still shouldn't have told you."
"I just need you to know I'm serious." She said, trying to sound gruff.
"You're never serious, goofy girl." He said. "Tell me about France. Or whatever else it is that fancy school is teaching you."
"This semester I'm taking an anthropology course, a chemistry class, and a theoretical physics class." She said. "I'm no expert in any, but what do you want to know?"
"I want to know what the hell antho-poly means." He said. She grinned.
"Anthropology is the study of humans. Language, culture, et cetera."
"That's not just biology?"
"There's an element of biology, yeah, but it's a bit more holistic. The biology stuff is evolutionary. Like, Australopithecus kinda stuff."
"Now you're making up words to make me feel dumb, huh?"
"Quit, that's really a term." She insisted. "It's interesting, it makes me understand people better, I think, knowing where we came from. Ultimate survival, hunting and gathering and shit."
The night went quickly, as they dissolved into their conversation. She told him about her classes, and he asked question after question about her life. They got nice and pleasantly stoned, and sunk deeper into the couch together, tangling their legs up comfortably, passing snacks back and fourth. It felt like no time had passed at all, even though they were sitting in a beautiful townhouse instead of the backseat of a smoke-stained '66 Cadillac.
Her eyes were getting heavy, despite her best efforts, as the clock ticked towards 2am.
"You're getting sleepy, hmm?" he asked, leaning forward, tapping her chin.
"Noooo." She said, but smiled through the word. He knew better.
"You want to come upstairs?" he asked, then put his hands up. "No assumptions, this isn't a move, you can sleep in the guest room if you're tired."
"I don't want to sleep in the guest room." She said after a long moment. "Can I sleep with you?"
He closed his eyes, relishing the question for a long glorious moment. To have her beside him, just for a night, it seemed like a dream. He didn't even expect anything past that, he just wanted the weight of her beside him, the smell of her hair on his pillow.
"Yeah." He said, trying to sound chill. "Yeah, of course."