Tests

"You look awful." Remarked Johanna as she came into my room and sat on my bed. I was staring at myself in the mirror. Last night had been particularly bad for nightmares and the bags under my eyes were my reminder of them today.

"Thanks." I rolled my eyes and turned away from the mirror, no longer wanting to see the reflection. I walked to Johanna and sat next to her. "Thanks for doing this."

After Peeta's attack a few days ago and the mention of Johanna, I wanted them to meet in person before her wedding. Just to see if he could be around her or not without losing himself. Last thing we all need is for him to go feral at the wedding and try to kill me.

She took a bite out of the cheese rolls Peeta had baked and left in my kitchen for me to snack on throughout the day. I see Johanna hadn't changed, she was full of confidence. Some people might mistake it as arrogance, I did when I first met her. But now I just see her as the strong woman she is. Her hair had grown back in and was now chin length, wispy bangs fell above her eyes. It was a deep brown with the odd silvery strand. She brushed the bangs away and swallowed the roll. "It's fine, I don't want him trying to kill you during my wedding. All the attention should be on me after all." She paused. "And Gale of course." She added, taking another bite.

Gale and Haymitch walked into the room, Haymitch was rambling on about how the alcohol tastes differently in each district. Gale didn't look interested. Gale smiled softly when he saw Johanna. It felt strange seeing him look at another woman wearing the smile he used to only wear for me. I shook my head and buried the thought away.

"You might wanna take off now sweetheart," Haymitch said, coming to stand next to me. "Once we've seen how he is with Johanna on his own, we will call you back in to see how he is with you together."

I was hesitant to leave. Was it worth risking losing Peeta to himself again? I'm sure Gale and Johanna would understand if we skipped their wedding, for all of our own safety. Haymitch gave me a knowing look, he could read my mind sometimes i swear, and squeezed my shoulder reassuringly. "He'll be okay sweetheart, he wants to do this."

I nodded, he was right. Peeta has been racked with guilt ever since he attacked me and wanted to do what he could to prevent it in the future. And so did i.

I left.

Peeta was waiting halfway up the stairs, his back resting against the banister as he stared hard at the wall in front of him, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. He glanced up at me, and his stormy expression softened. Since the attack, Peeta has distanced himself. He told me he was fine, but I noticed the change in him.

He hadn't slept with me since.

He'd let me fall asleep in his arms, whispering sweet nothings as I fought away the dreams, but then I'd wake up alone. I'd find him curled up on the sofa downstairs, sleeping. When I asked why he's left, he'd say he doesn't trust himself and that he could never forgive himself if he hurt me. I told him I'd risk it, but he'd just smile, shake his head and change the subject.

I walked down and stopped in front of him. Slowly I leaned in and gently kissed his cheek, "Everything will be fine."

"Come on then." Haymitch called out to him.

Peeta glanced up the stairs nervously, then lowered his eyes back to me. I gave him what I hoped was a reassuring smile before he climbed the stairs and stepped into the room.

An hour had passed since Peeta went into the room, my legs tired out so I was now sitting on the stairs listening in to their conversation.

Johanna was playing real or not real with him. He asked her things I remembered, like her winning the 71st hunger games. The colour of her awful outfit at the quarter quell. Her stripping her clothes off to see my reaction. She laughed at that one, but admitted it.

"I just wanted to see if she was as innocent as the Capitol made her out to be." She said when everyone started laughing.

Soon, the conversation turned to their capture, and you could hear the strain in their voices. It was hard for both of them to talk about.

"They tortured you with water, real or not real." Peeta asked. She was silent, I could picture her face as she let the memories in. " I remember the sound of your screams," He elaborated. "They'd be loud and then gurgled, like something was muffling the noise. It sounded like someone trying to shout or scream under water."

"Real," She said quietly, "They'd ask me things about the rebellion, some things I knew, some things I didn't. But I never gave them anything. I wanted to, god my body begged me too, but i wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them beat me. They wouldn't beat me." Her tone was hard, dangerous. "So, they beat my body instead. Burned me, whipped me. They did everything. But the worst was when they tied me down on a table, covered my face with a towel and poured water over my face. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, I couldn't even scream. There was nothing I could do but try to fight for breath, for air." She paused, her voice was shaking now.

"I'm sorry." Peeta said, his voice gentle.

"I could hear what they were doing to you too," She began, "They'd make you see things. I'd hear your screams but also other peoples screams. I'd hear voices shouting at you, laughing, tormenting you. But the voice I heard most was Katniss'. I think they made you see her doing things to people you loved." (Read my Hijacked story to see)

"Yes," Peeta's voice was barely audible. "She killed my mother, my father and my brothers." He paused, "Slit their throats, shot them, cut them up… She killed them over and over and over." He trailed off, repeating himself.

He was losing himself.

"She didn't do those things Peeta," Johanna stated, her voice low and soft. Very unlike her, he must be bad for her to try and calm him down.

I heard some movement, shoes scuffing on the creaky floorboards. A few grunts. "Yes she did!" He shouted back at her. "She killed them, I saw it with my own eyes."

"No Peeta," Haymitch joined in, "The Capitol made you see those things. Katniss would never do anything to hurt you."

"Yes she would, she's a monster. An evil mutt!" His voice didn't sound like him, it was filled with so much hatred. Peeta was gone, replaced with whatever the Capitol put in him. I let the tears that had formed fall down my face.

"Why would she hurt you? She loves you." Gale argued back, trying to make him see reason. I could hear some ruffling, bodies moving around in there. What was happening, was he trying to come and find me? To try and hurt me?

"Let me go." Peeta growled, his voice thick with anger.

"Yeah, like we'd let you out of this room in the state you're in." Haymitch said. Now wasn't the time for your sarcastic remarks Haymitch.

I could hear him fighting them. Trying his best to escape the room and run, run and find me i'm assuming. He pleaded and begged for them to let him go. Even lied and said he felt fine. But when he was changed, his voice didn't sound like him anymore. There was a certain way with the tone that didn't sit right.

After an hour or so of listening to him repeatedly call me over, I realized something. I wiped away the tears that continuously fell and made my way up the stairs. Standing in the doorway, I stared down at Peeta who was sitting on the edge of the bed next to Johanna. Gale stood on the other side of him, his hand firmly pressing down on his shoulder to keep him in place.

Everyone froze.

Everyone but Peeta looked shocked, probably that I would risk my life this way. Peeta was savage when he was Hijacked, dangerous. And he was strong, very strong. If he wanted to kill me, he'd have no problem snapping my neck to do it. But everyone forgets that I'm not afraid to die, never have been.

Peeta stared at me, his face was emotionless. "You want to kill me Peeta, do it." I remarked.

He frowned at me, he was surprised by that.

"Let him go Gale."

"Katniss, no-" Gale began arguing.

"I said, let him go." I said sternly.

Gale stared at me like I was crazy, then slowly he lifted his hand from Peeta's shoulder. He shocked everyone when he didn't move. Not a muscle flinched. After a few minutes of silence, he gritted his teeth, groaned and covered his face with his hands, trying to push the awful thoughts away.

"He wouldn't kill me." I announced to everyone. "He can't kill me."

"How do you know that?" Haymitch asked.

"Because the part of him that loves me is stronger than the part of him that hates me." I said. "It's been three years since the Capitol Hijacked him, 3 years of memories that the Capitol haven't tampered with. We have a life together now." I spoke clearly and slowly, so that the words would sink in to him.

"Remember Peeta, the nights on the porch watching the stars, or when you taught me how to make bread…" I paused, "Well, tried to teach me anyway." I laughed at the memory. "Or when you fell in the rain during that bad thunderstorm and I helped you home after you hurt your ankle," I walked to him, lowered myself in front of him and removed his hands from his eyes so that he could look at me. "Do you remember what happened that night, when I kissed you…" I let it linger, waiting for some reaction from him.

When he finally opened his eyes, they were softer. "I remember." He gave me a soft smile as he remembered. After the memory faded he frowned again. "I got lost again, didn't i?"

"Yeah, but it's okay because I realized something."

"What's that?" He asked.

"You'll lose yourself thinking about memories with me in them, but you'll also find yourself because of memories with me in them." I got up and sat on the edge of the bed next to him, remembering that there were other people in the room. "If you're going to be with me, there will be times where you will lose yourself. It's inevitable. I know you're worried that you will hurt me, and maybe you will a little. But I'm not worried. It's worth it to have you in my life." I paused, taking his hand in mine. "I'm sure you wouldn't kill me. The part of you that loves me wouldn't let you. But I'll understand if you don't want to live like that. Get rid of me and I'm fairly sure you won't have another episode." I watched his blue eyes widen as he realised what I was saying was the truth.

I let myself take him in, how beautiful he was.

The thought of a life without Peeta was unbearable. He comforted me when I needed him, calmed my worries and fears. Peeta brought out the best in me, but I couldn't be selfish. He deserved a pain free life, more than anyone I knew. So if he had to let me go to stop these turns happening, then I had to do the right thing.

I had to let him go.

*Thank you so much for reading. What do you think Peeta should do? Should she let her go, for his own sanity?*