Summary: When Lucy gets drunk it's up to Natsu, Erza, and Gray to take care of her. Some dialogue blatantly stolen from Big Bang Theory as it was the inspiration for this chapter.

Pairings: Natsu/Lucy, Gray/Juvia, and implied Gray/Lucy if you squint.

YouTube Prompt: A tribute to Gray with the song from the Diet Coke advert (you know which one I mean ;D).

When Fairy Tail got the lacrima message that Lucy was drunk in the park they were bewildered. After all this was Lucy, when did she ever get drunk? Worried, Mirajane sent Natsu and Happy to find their blonde friend and bring her home. (Correctly) believing that the childish pair would be rather useless at the task Erza and Gray decided to tag along.

It took a while but eventually they found Lucy curled under a sakura tree while clutching a bottle of wine that looked almost empty.

"Lucy?" Erza voiced with concern.

"Oh look!" Lucy slurred brightly. She smiled warmly at the four of them. "It's Erza, Natsu, Gray, and Little Gray! Hi Little Gray!"

It was then when Erza and Natsu realised that Gray was completely, utterly, bare naked. When this had happened no one knows, not even Gray, who looked equally shocked and horrified, but the point remained he was completely naked in front of Lucy. And instead of reacting like she usually did (i.e. a kick in the face for Gray), she was looking at Gray as if he and 'Little Gray' were the most fascinating thing in the world.

The fact Natsu had spontaneously combusted into flames when he noticed this was purely coincidental. No matter what Happy says later. "GODDAMNIT, YOU ICE FREAK!" he roared. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"GRAY PUT SOME CLOTHES ON NOW!" Erza snarled equally loud, and terrifying, as she emitted a dark, evil, petrifying aura.

"A-Aye," Gray stuttered as he desperately sought out his clothes.

(Unknown to everyone he wouldn't be able to find a single item of clothing as Juvia was cuddling them and murmuring (rather reverently) "Gray-sama", over and over again behind a nearby bush.)

Happy, as usual, was oblivious to the situation. He was too busy crying over the fact that Lucy didn't greet him as well. "Why do I never get counted?!" he wailed, and when no one answered in time (because Lucy was busy giggling at Gray, who was busy looking for his clothes, which of course distracted Erza and Natsu, who were both on the verge of killing Gray), he took off sobbing. Someone in the guild will comfort him and tell the others off for being such big meanies!

Eventually Gray gave up searching for his clothes and had to endure wearing one of Erza's animal costumes, (Natsu would gleefully get Reedus to paint this beautiful memory of Gray wearing a pink fluffy bear suit later) and now that 'Little Gray' was put away, much to Lucy's pouting disappointment and Natsu's relief, they could focus on the drunk blonde who had finished one bottle of wine and started another.

"Lucy," Erza said as gently and motherly as possible….which wasn't that gentle or motherly, and definitely sent shivers down Gray and Natsu's spines as they suffered flashbacks. "What are you doing?"

"I'm drinking wine," Lucy said simply, "like Cana taught me to do when I'm sad."

They will be having words with Cana. Well….okay, Natsu will try and epically fail, Gray may get the point across before Cana did the embarrassing older sister act, and Erza may resort to more violent methods. Point is Cana should probably lay low for the next few days.

Natsu's eyes softened as he studied the miserable expression on Lucy's face. It had only been a few days since they discovered that her father had died. Died, waiting for her. "Oh, Luce," he murmured sympathetically.

Lucy was oblivious to the empathy coming from Natsu. Her face rapidly changed to a gleeful one as the alcohol she had been drinking put an idea in her head. "Ne, ne, Natsu," she said excitedly. "What would it take for you to buy a bottle of hooch, take me to the nearest hotel, and have your way with me?"

Natsu's jaw dropped to the floor and he may have turned into a statue. No one was quite sure as Erza's face turned a brilliant red that matched her hair and Gray burst out laughing.

"Yes Natsu," he smirked, "what would it take?"

"If you say anything less than marriage I will hack you to pieces," Erza threatened the pink haired dragon slayer, once she finally got her senses back, "if you so dare besmirch Lucy's virtue before making her your wife, I will ensure you will never have children," she carried on.

"Aye!" Natsu squeaked in agreement.

It was then decided that with Lucy's virtue in danger from both Natsu and Gray (in Erza's opinion) and with Erza's need to punish them for endangering it, Juvia will be the one to take Lucy home.

Which she did…after a very long detour which she took advantage of in order to tell Lucy, in great detail, exactly why Gray and Little Gray were off limits to the blonde.