Summary: Inspired by a quote from Industrial Magic by Kelley Armstrong (seriously I recommend her work whenever you want a good read). Juvia gets an idea from a book she read that will help her win Gray's heart. It's up to Levy and Lucy to try and stop her….very crack-ish.

Pairings: Juvia/Gray, Juvia/Lucy/Levy friendship, Juvia/Gajeel friendship, and implied Gajeel/Levy and Natsu/Lucy, oh and a little Gray/Lucy, if you squint, and see the world like Juvia does.

Author's Note: Thank you for the two hundred reviews! I hope you continue to enjoy the future chapters just as much!

It was a quiet morning at the guild building which wasn't as rare as most would think since most of the noisiest members were either asleep or out on a job. It was mornings like this that Lucy and Levy take full advantage of enjoying Mira's coffee and cake while discussing their favourite books. For this particular morning, Juvia had joined them as she had been reading the book series that they were discussing that.

"Juvia has just finished the fourth one," she informed them cheerfully, "It was very interesting to see all the characters together like that."

"Did you enjoy it?" Levy and Lucy asked eagerly in unison.

Juvia giggled at them. "Yes," she said. "It was very exciting and Juvia learnt lots."

"I know, right?" Levy burst out cheerfully. "It's so interesting to see magic portrayed in a different light with various, darker, supernatural creatures. In fact I found the perception of-"

"No," Juvia interrupted with a shake of her head. For a moment she looked very serious, and then suddenly her whole face lit up and they could see love hearts shining in her eyes. "Juvia has learnt the best way to Gray-sama's heart!" she squealed.

Lucy and Levy exchanged confused looks. They weren't aware there had been any lessons on wooing a man within the book. Sure there had been romance, but there was more murder, magic, and female empowerment than there had been romance. "Cooking?" Lucy suggested. "I mean cooking always seems to work on Natsu," she mumbled more to herself.

"No," Juvia said, "blow jobs."

Levy choked on her coffee while Lucy accidentally dropped her cake on the floor. Not that it mattered mere seconds later Happy flew off with it, giggling like a naughty school boy.

"What?!"

"Blow jobs?!"

"Juvia….where the hell did you get an idea like that?!"

"From this book," she pulled out the novel that Levy had lent her. It looked a little more worn out than it had to be before and Lucy couldn't help but suspect that Juvia might have reread certain parts over and over again before this morning. "This wonderful, magical, informative book," Juvia sighed dreamily. "It has taught Juvia so much."

"I don't recall any of the characters discussing blow jobs," Lucy frowned lightly, "in fact apart from a few racy scenes between Paige and Lucas, it was mostly centred on the murder mystery and politics of the Cabal."

"Here!" Juvia flicked immediately to the page she needed which confirmed all of Lucy's suspicions. "It says right here - Any girl who gives a guy a blow job in a broom closet is entitled to at least one 'I love you'. Whether you mean it or not, you're morally and legally obligated to say it." Juvia snapped the book shut with a smug smile of satisfaction.

"Juvia…" Lucy sweat-dropped. "I really don't think that's a good idea."

"It's not exactly a healthy relationship," Levy agreed.

"And I think some might consider it rape if you just drag him into a broom closet and….ah," words failed Lucy as she was unable to find a nicer way to say forcing a reaction with oral. "Besides, surely, when Gray tells you he loves you for the first time you want it to be real, out of love, not out of a moral obligation," she said hastily.

"You are being my love rival, again!" Juvia accused, her sweet mood suddenly turned sour as the aura around her darkened, "You want Gray-sama all to yourself while poor Juvia pines over him with a broken heart!"

"That's not it at all!" Lucy barked. "And for the last time I don't like Gray like that!"

"Juvia will not let Love Rival get in the way of her quest for Gray-sama's love!" Juvia cried out melodramatically. "Juvia will get Gray-sama in a broom closet the very next time she sees him!" as if the fates were conspiring against Lucy and Levy (very likely, they haven't been in their good books for the last few weeks), it was then that Gray decided to enter the guild. "Gray-sama!" Juvia squealed as she began to make her way to him. "Juvia has a present for you!"

"Oh dear God, no!" Levy clutched her face, horrified.

"We have to do something!" Lucy hissed. "Stop her with magic, or fire, or…well something."

They took one look at each other and immediately knew what was the best action to take….they tackled Juvia to the ground. Juvia screamed, wailed, shrieked, and started to kick and scratch at them. "Let Juvia go! Let Juvia go! Let Juvia go!" Juvia screeched repeatedly as she tried to turn into water in their arms. Thankfully Levy already foreseen this and used her scroll magic to prevent Juvia for changing entirely. She was just a little more slippery than usual which made it all the more harder for them to keep hold of her. "Let Juvia go!"

"Someone help!"

Gajeel, taking sympathy of them as he knew what sort of insane person Juvia was, sighed as he crossed the room impatiently and grabbed hold of Juvia. "Come here, you crazy rain woman," he growled as he tossed her over his shoulder.

Levy and Lucy sighed in relief as they slumped to the floor exhausted. Juvia, however shrieked, and began to kick and punch Gajeel. "You cannot stop Juvia!" she shrieked. "Juvia will make Gray-sama love her!"

"Sure," Gajeel humoured her as he gave her a rough pat on the back, "but not today."

"Don't encourage her!" Lucy cried out.

"Thank you, Gajeel," Levy said on both of their behalf, as she simultaneously yanked Lucy back down, and smiled warmly at the secretly kind-hearted dragon slayer.

"Heh, no problem Shrimp," Gajeel smirked, "perhaps next time you can thank me properly in the broom closet, and I promise to say 'I love you' once you're done!"

He stepped away before Levy could punch him. "And people said Juvia is crazy," Juvia murmured in awe of Gajeel's boldness. As Gajeel carried her out of the guild and far, far, away from Gray and his virginity (ha! Yeah right.). "But it appears Gajeel-kun is just as bad, and very rude to make such a suggestion to Levy-Chan!"

"You are crazy," Gajeel said. "And you can talk! Weren't you about to rape a guy a couple moments ago?!" he yelled.

"Personally," Lily said dryly (he had been following them since he really didn't want to stay and see what other weird drama the guild would start behind Gajeel's back), "I think all of you humans are insane."

"Tch. Whatever."

Meanwhile back in the guild Levy and Lucy had turned a bright red of embarrassment and humiliated fury. "Damn dragon slayer hearing!" Levy fumed. "How could Gajeel be so….so….so….damn cocky!"

"Men," Lucy sneered. Her face softened a great deal though when she caught Gray enjoying a drink with Cana, blissfully unaware of what could have happened to him. "Though we do owe him one or otherwise by now we'd be seeing something horrific happen….that might lead to Juvia being arrested. I never thought I would say it but damn that stupid book!"

"Yeah," Levy said uncomfortably, clearly unhappy at insulting any form of literature. "Perhaps we should pick novels for Juvia more carefully."

"Yeah, maybe," Lucy agreed. "Or maybe we should just not give her any romance novels."

It was then that Natsu decided to let them know that, like Gajeel, he had heard everything that had happened between the two girls and their obviously insane water mage friend. He wrapped an arm round her shoulder and peered right in her face as he asked loudly; "Luce, what is a blow job? And why don't you give me any? I tell you that I love you all the time."

"LUCY KICK!"

So much for that quiet morning with coffee and cake…