She hadn't meant it. Well, she had. That was the trouble. She'd meant it but she hadn't meant to do it that way.
It felt like a long time coming, in some ways. Inevitable. But god, it didn't have to be like that.
"What are you saying?" Harry asked, shocked. She couldn't blame him.
Ruth had just blurted it out. It was on her mind. Always on her mind over the last days. Weeks, even.
It was after a very long and horrific day preparing for and attempting to avert disaster for the Israeli-Palestinian talks. Lighthouse—codename for the President of the United States—was coming in secret to chair the talks, but they had uncovered a Lebanese terrorist attempting to assassinate him.
Beth and Lucas and Tariq were on the Grid trying to cobble together a plan to thwart the plot while Harry went between Levi Cohen and the Home Secretary. Beth babysat the Palestinian contingent while Dimitri was with the Israelis.
In the end, they discovered a Syrian sharpshooter who managed to shoot more than a mile and through a building to rain bullets on the group waiting outside the entrance to the Prince Edward Hotel. Lucas got to the assassin, but they soon realized it was just a diversion. Ruth had been able to piece it together as Dimitri realized that Anna Cohen was nowhere to be found. She had plotted the whole thing, dosing herself with chemical explosive and a detonator in her watch. Her father had held her in his arms as Dimitri disposed of the watch and Harry watched on in horror.
Harry had been brought low by the whole ordeal. Ruth had watched him as he came back to the Grid and went into his office. She watched through the window as he spoke to Lucas, and when Lucas left, Ruth saw the way Harry hung his head in defeat.
Oh they had done good work that day and saved the life of the most powerful man on earth, but Harry had dared to have hope for Levi and for the process, and that hope had been dashed against the rocks as it always seemed to be.
It was then that Ruth made her way into his office. "I'm sorry," she said without any pretense.
He looked up at her with a sad smile. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You did brilliant work today. As you always do, of course. These events were outside our control."
"I'm still sorry it happened. I know how eager you were to be able to help Levi and see something good come from it all."
Harry grimaced slightly. "I should know better than to hope. I suppose I've been tricked by recent developments into thinking better of the world." His eyes went from her face to the ring on her left hand and back.
And Ruth was overcome by a violent wave of nausea. Her heart started racing, and before she could stop herself, the words tumbled out of her mouth. "We can't do this, Harry."
He stared at her, stunned and confused. And then she pulled the ring off her finger.
Harry's words echoed in her head. What are you saying? Maybe she didn't know what she was saying.
But no, Ruth knew exactly what she was saying. That was the trouble. She'd held her tongue for too long, and she could not hold it any longer.
"You and I…I thought…I thought we could, I thought we could be happy. I…god, Harry, I've been so happy." Ruth's voice cracked as she stammered.
"Then what…?" He couldn't even form a full sentence.
She tried to swallow the lump in her throat. "I don't want to be Anna Cohen," she confessed.
"What!?"
Ruth felt the tears prick her eyes, and she tried to find the words to explain what she meant. "I don't want you to be put in the position of sacrificing me or your morals. Because I don't think you could. I think if I was taken, like Anna was, you wouldn't leave me there like Levi did. You've practically said as much, Harry. And you know, I think I'd resent you even more if you did come rescue me, if you put the safety of others at risk just for me. I know you love me, and I love you, but can't you see how dangerous that is for us? We aren't like other people. We don't have the luxury of just being together for a quiet life."
"So we leave," he interjected, standing abruptly.
"Harry, we've talked about that already." A tear fell. And another. She wiped them away furiously.
He shook his head in protest. "We will leave this job, we will go somewhere else, somewhere no one will ever find us. We'll…we'll travel the world and change our names," he suggested desperately.
"I tried that already," Ruth answered darkly.
Harry sighed, closing his eyes to try and calm himself down. "Ruth, please don't do this."
"I just don't see any other way. If we carry on, how can we—"
"How can we what?" he snarled. Obviously he hadn't been able to calm down.
Ruth steeled herself, standing as tall and square as she could, holding her head up and looking Harry right in the eyes through her blurring tears. "How can we do what needs to be done if we care more about each other than anything or anyone else?"
"Just as we have done for months. Side by side, like you said when I tried to resign. We share our lives at home and we share them here," Harry insisted.
This was a mistake. Saying it like this, now, here. They were both in a mood, both feeling the weight of what they'd done and seen and experienced today. And even if it had been in Ruth's mind to end things before something terrible happened, she shouldn't have done it like this. She wiped her eyes again.
Funny, over the last eight years since she'd started work on the Grid, there were only two reasons she'd had to cry: death of a friend and something to do with Harry. Danny's death and Fiona's Colin's and then George and Jo and Ros. Harry being shot, Harry being so charming on their date when she'd been so nervous, Harry trying to tell her not to break up with her, Harry trying to say he loved her as she had to tell him goodbye, Harry trying to convince her not to end their engagement. Always Harry. And it would never stop until they were left as names on a memorial wall along with all those friends for whom Ruth had shed her other tears.
She hung her head, fidgeting with the ring in her hand. This beautiful ring that she had picked out, that Harry had known was exactly the perfect one for her. It was perfect. It mocked her. A perfect ring for an engagement that was far from perfect between two people who were perhaps the furthest thing from perfection in the world.
Ruth put the ring down on Harry's desk. It felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room.
"Please just do two things for me. Just two," he implored.
She looked up at him expectantly.
"Wait ten days. We can live our lives as though we…we aren't together. We see each other here as we always have, but we don't bother each other outside of work. And in ten days, we talk about this again. When emotions aren't as high and we can have a bit of experience with the concept."
That was perfectly reasonable and a kindness that Ruth had not expected after the way she had so obviously hurt him. "And the other thing?"
"Put the ring back on. Or at least take it with you. If you leave it on the desk there, I shall weep, and it is far too early in the day for such things."
Leave it to Harry to make a joke about a thing like this. Ruth picked the ring back up. She hesitated a moment before slipping it back on her finger. It felt warm and comfortable, and it broke her heart a little bit more. She looked back up at his dear face. "I do love you, Harry," she told him softly.
"I know. And I know you know that I love you. Which I suppose is the whole trouble."
That was what broke her, in the end. Ruth turned on her heel and practically sprinted out of his office and through the pods. She hoped no one noticed the tears streaming down her face.