Harry couldn't help himself. It seemed that when it came to Ruth, he could never really control himself. It was incredibly stupid of him, but he just couldn't help it.
Bloody masochistic is what it was.
Four days earlier, Ruth had tried to break off their engagement, and Harry had been able to stall the inevitable. In a week, they'd sit down somewhere together, probably at his house so they could have their privacy and such, and then she would leave and Harry would know he'd lost his chance at happiness for the last time.
So maybe this stupid thing he'd done was a way of softening the blow. Something like that. Something to make him not feel so painfully alone in his house. It was somehow even emptier now that he knew what it felt like to have Ruth here with him.
But Harry wasn't alone now. He had gone to the RSPCA and adopted Billy, the big orange cat they'd fallen in love with a few weeks ago when they'd gone looking for a cat, before that mess with the Chinese had distracted them. Billy was still there, waiting for someone to give him a home. And Harry didn't want to be alone. So now he had Billy.
It did hurt all the more, knowing that he had wanted to have this cat be something for he and Ruth to have in the house they shared, to be a part of the little family they were making together. Billy and Harry were on their own now, two sad, single men. Well, the cat wasn't necessarily single. He was a cat. And fully neutered.
The day after he'd brought Billy home, Harry lay in bed just before dawn, staring at the shadows on the ceiling. When Ruth had shared his bed, he would wake up early and watch her sleep for a little while, just marveling at her. He'd not bothered to pay any attention to the shadows when he could look at her.
He'd spent a lot of years watching Ruth. Usually from his office while she was working, sometimes across the table in the briefing room. But in the months of their engagement, he'd gotten to watch her across the dinner table and on the sofa with him and in bed and in the shower and in the car and everywhere in the life they shared. Watching her in bed, of course, was his favorite of those. There was something about seeing her sleep, seeing her fully at rest, that made his heart fill with his love for her even more. During the waking hours, she was always bustling about with something. Even sitting still, her mind was whirring away, and he could always see her occupied by something. Asleep, she was blissfully still. And he could look at the way her long lashes brushed her pale skin, the curve of her high cheekbones, the gentle folds of her hooded eyelids, the lines all over her face showing far more age than her years. Once, early in the morning like this, he'd tried to map over every single one of those lines. There were a few between her brows that were quite prominent when she was worrying about something—which was most of the time when she was awake. There were deep ones around her mouth from the way she had grinned so widely in her youth, before the Grid had stolen so much of her joy. There were faint ones around her eyes that were just so delicate and beautiful that Harry had eventually woken her by brushing soft kisses over them. He'd made love to her tenderly and slowly that morning.
Harry rolled himself over in bed, grumbling at his traitorous memory. He shouldn't be thinking like that. He shouldn't be causing himself more grief.
A meow startled him. Sitting quite still on the floor beside the bed was Billy the cat. Harry didn't know how long he'd been there, but as soon as Harry had turned towards him, Billy had made his presence known.
"You're one of those obnoxious cats who wants to trick everyone into thinking he's starving, aren't you?" Harry grumbled.
Billy meowed again.
Harry chuckled. "Yes, alright. I'll give you some breakfast. I might as well get up."
He hauled himself out of bed, and the affectionate feline wound his immense body around Harry's ankles. The alarm went off just then, causing the cat the dart away. Harry turned it off and then stretched his back. "Come on, Billy," he beckoned, leading the way downstairs to the kitchen.
Billy could smell the food as soon as Harry opened the tin and started yowling. He'd done the same thing for his dinner the night before, so Harry knew now that yes, Billy was absolutely one of those obnoxious cats who demanded food in whatever way he could manage.
"Here you are, lad," Harry said, putting the food down. "Now, I'm going to have a shower, and I'll come spend a little time with you before I go to work, alright?"
There was no response or acknowledgment from Billy, but he was a cat, so what did Harry really expect? Christ, he was talking to the cat. Already. He'd gone from heartbroken to pathetic in one fell swoop.
Oh who was he kidding, Harry was still heartbroken. Probably would be forever.
With that morose thought, he went back upstairs and showered and got dressed for the day. He decided on a black and silver tie that day. The more colorful ones reminded him of Ruth, and he wasn't ready just yet to choose anything that she had complimented him on in the past. As he put it around his collar, he thought about the number of times she had perched herself on his lap on the sofa and snogged him silly and moved her kisses down to suck on the hollow of his throat.
Harry shook himself and tied his bloody tie.
When he returned downstairs, it was still far too early for his driver to come pick him up. But no matter. Harry had a cat now. He pulled out a chair from the kitchen table and sat down. Billy was finished eating and came wandering over. Harry leaned over to pet him. If he were a younger man and not one who had a bad knee, he'd have gotten down on the floor with the animal. As it was, he'd stay in the chair for now.
"Do you want to come up?" he asked.
Silly question. Billy had already proved himself an extremely cuddly cat. He leapt right up into Harry's lap, even standing up on his back paw to up his front paws on Harry's shoulder. Harry embraced him and indulged in the softness of the cat's head on his cheek.
Harry snuggled the cat and scratched him all over. "You're a good boy, Billy," Harry murmured.
But before long, it was actually time for Harry to go to work. He bid farewell to Billy and promised to give him more cuddles when he got home. It was a nice thought, actually, knowing he'd be coming home to an affectionate animal. To know he wouldn't be alone with his heartbreak and could instead have some love from another living thing.
Jesus Christ, when had he gotten so maudlin? Harry greeted his driver and decided to think solely about work during the drive. When he arrived on the Grid, he was still thinking about work and feeling much more like himself.
Lucas was just leaving as Harry was coming in, saying he was checking on an asset. Tariq then took Harry's attention before he even reached his office, nattering on about some research he was doing and surveillance he needed approval for. Harry told him to go right ahead.
He'd only just taken off his coat when Ruth appeared, entering without knocking as always. Harry did his best to not think about how much he wished he could tell her good morning and kiss her.
"Beth is on…what's that?" Ruth stopped herself from whatever she was going to tell him about Beth by pointing at his suit jacket.
Harry looked down and immediately felt a fool. "Cat hair," he grumbled. He'd need to invest in some kind of lint roller.
"Why have you got cat hair on your jacket?" she asked.
"I got a cat," he answered simply. He did not tell her it was Billy, the one they'd looked at together. If it came to it, he'd tell her eventually. Now was not the time.
Ruth frowned, and those little lines between her brows deepened. "That's not fair," she said in a low, sad tone.
"That wasn't my intention," he protested.
"It doesn't matter what the intention was, you knew that would hurt me."
He opened his mouth to snarl at her, to ask her what the bloody hell she thought she'd done to him when she tried to break off their engagement. But he mercifully summoned his self-control. "This is neither the time nor the place, Ruth," he chastised quietly. "Now, what about Beth?"