It took Ruth a few days to get over her devastation. Because that's what it was. Harry got a cat. They'd gone to the RSPCA to look at cats so they could get one together, so they could start building a life together, a little family just the two of them and their cat. But Harry got a cat without her. It almost made her want to get a cat for herself, but that would be a bridge too far. For one thing, Beth would probably hate it. For another, it would probably make her feel even worse.
She knew it was her own fault. She was the one who had ended their engagement. Or tried to. She felt, still, that it was only a matter of time. It was the only thing. Wasn't it? Ruth didn't know how they could go on like this, how they could continue with this terrible habit they both were developing of prioritizing the other over everything else. Harry would never let harm come to Ruth, no matter the cost. And Ruth would step in front of a bullet for him without a second thought. It wasn't good, it wasn't right. They couldn't let that happen.
But Harry hadn't let her end it. He had made her promise to give it ten days and then they would talk again. The ten days was up tomorrow.
The past week had been extremely difficult. Ruth had been the cause of it, of course, but that didn't make it hurt any less. Doing what she thought she had to do to protect them both wasn't because she didn't love it. It was because she loved him so much. She couldn't let them become each other's destruction. But she couldn't just shut off the clamoring of her heart whenever he was near. Or when he wasn't and she thought about him. Which was all the time. All the bloody time.
It was worse now than it ever was before. She'd kissed him before she got on that boat, never to see him again. Her exile had been difficult for many reasons, not the least of which was that. But then she came back and she was so utterly consumed with grief and guilt, she wasn't really thinking about what it had been like to kiss him. That was the only thing she'd had to miss. Now, there was far more to miss. She knew the touch of his hand all over her body, the feel of his lips on every inch of her, the pleasure of Harry thrusting inside her. And just as powerful, she knew the joy of sitting on the sofa and laughing with him, the comfort of his breathing being the lullaby that rocked her to sleep, the simple bliss of moving around each other in the bathroom as they got ready for work in the mornings and around the kitchen making dinner at night. They had been so happy, and now it was all gone.
Ruth didn't know what she would do when they sat down tomorrow to talk about the state of their relationship. Harry would try to convince her to take him back, she was sure. But her mind hadn't changed. Nothing had changed. Only that she missed him. And that did not alter their circumstances or remove the reasons they couldn't be together.
"The Americans are coming," Tariq grumbled, coming up behind her.
She turned and gave a sympathetic smile. "I know, but it'll be over soon. Lucas will get their operative with the access codes once they're done installing the terminal, and then we'll all carry on."
But Ruth understood Tariq's frustration. Harry shared it, she knew. The Americans had some advanced firewall called Cybershell, and they were sharing it with their allies, since so much was shared between the nations out in the field. Beecher from the CIA was coming by with Towers to brief Harry while the American military installed their terminal here on the Grid. They were due to arrive any minute. And having Americans on the Grid never made anyone very happy. Except maybe Towers. He loved this sort of thing. Personally, Ruth was all for collaboration, but Towers was a bit too trusting of their allies. Harry was a bit too distrusting. Ruth thought a dose of each was what was called for, but that's what made Harry and Towers a good team, all things considered.
Lucas was already in the car, ready to head to the rendezvous point. Everyone else was just on the Grid, waiting.
For herself, Ruth was glad Lucas wasn't here just now. She was still suspicious of his recent activities. She'd been tracking it, actually, pulling his GPS logs and phone logs and daily reports. He hadn't actually done anything—not that she had proof of, at least—to indicate that there was anything too dire going on. But something was happening with him. He wasn't acting this way without reason. He was compromised over something, she just didn't know what.
Tariq sighed heavily. "I'm going to go to the forgery suite. I can't stand here and do nothing."
"Best of luck to you," she said over her shoulder.
No sooner had Tariq walked away than the Americans marched in with their equipment. Bringing up the rear were Beecher and Home Secretary Towers.
Ruth watched from her station as the military got to work and Harry came out of his office to greet Towers and Beecher. The three men went into the briefing room. Ruth was left where she was. That wasn't too unusual. But there was a time, perhaps just a few weeks ago, when Harry would have asked for Ruth to be in on that meeting not strictly because she was a necessary presence but because Harry simply wanted her with him. Not anymore.
It also did not escape her that the bottom of Harry's trouser leg was covered in cat hair. Her stomach tied in a knot at that. She turned to watch the Americans installing the Cybershell terminal instead.
There were uniformed military standing guard as a man in a tartan shirt did all of the actual installation. Wasn't that just the way of things?
As she stood there, she saw movement by the window into the briefing room. Harry was pacing. He turned to glance at her, and she felt a pang in her chest. Ruth wanted to be annoyed at herself that she was allowing her feelings for Harry to overtake her like this, but really, this wasn't anything out of the ordinary. She had spent years watching him through windows and catching his eye as he looked up to watch her from his side of the glass. It was pathetic, really, and when they'd finally found their way past the yearning, it had all proved in vain. Back to the yearning.
"Oi! Evershed, stop being nosey. I need your help on something."
Ruth turned to Dimitri when he called to her. She made her way over to his station where Beth sat beside him as he fiddled with something. "Is that a…?"
"Yeah, the bomb we took from the Darlington AQ cell. Thought I'd swot up after last time," he told her. Ruth's horror must have shown in her face—it always did—because he quickly said, "Don't worry, active components separated, battery detached. It's perfectly safe."
She opened her mouth to warn him against that but was interrupted by Tariq bellowing, "I can't take this anymore!"
He came out from the forgery suite and hurled a laptop to the ground. "Tariq!" Ruth shouted after him. But he didn't stop, he just hurried away.
Ruth jogged after him but was intercepted by Harry. He was wearing a silver tie today, and she liked the look of it, and she hated herself for noticing.
"What's going on?" Harry demanded.
She stopped close to him. Maybe too close. She could smell his cologne. "It's Tariq. He just flipped," she answered, her voice low.
He gave a curt nod. "See what's up."
Ruth made her way through the corridor to the few steps down to the loos. She didn't see Tariq, but the men's room was there. She knocked, not knowing what else to do, and then went right in.
There he was, standing with his green waistcoat jumper over his green shirt, chewing his fingernails. "Tariq, what was that about?" she scolded.
"Shhh!" he hissed. He turned on the faucets and the hand dryer and led Ruth around the corner to the stalls. "I just needed someone to follow me in here," Tariq explained.
And from there, Tariq proceeded to tell Ruth one of the more terrifying things she'd ever heard in all the years she'd worked for MI-5. The nightmare none of them ever contemplated ever coming true.