Animal I have Become

So what if you can see the darker side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become. Help me believe it's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal. - Three Days Grace

Sometimes we get that feeling when we realize we've screwed up not just a little, but enough to where it hurt someone else. Maybe some haven't. Maybe some actually think before they choose to do something. But if someone has had this feeling, they'd probably wish that it never happened. They'd do anything to take it all back. All of it.

Even the best of us screw up every now and then. We might not ever learn from the mistakes we constantly make over and over again. Thinking we can learn from our mistakes is practically like saying we can get anywhere in life and have any kind of life that we want if we just put our mind to it. Well, to this certain saber, that was a total crock. But why was that? Simple. He messed up.

It was all that went on inside his head since he left. He left everyone. Though, he actually didn't choose to. They did. And he had been betrayed. It was the most awful feeling anyone could ever get inside of them. Betrayal. But the absolute worst part of it all was her. She betrayed – No. She didn't just betray him. She destroyed him. She killed him. She was all he wanted. Everything he needed. She was his world, but not anymore.

He probably wouldn't be in such pain if it wasn't her fault in the first place. But it was all her fault. He could never forgive her just like she never forgave him. So he was alone. He had no idea where he was. No idea what he was going to do for the remainder of his days. And he honestly didn't care. No one cared. All these years, he thought the whole heard trusted him as he trusted them. But ever since she came, that all changed.

Her name is Shira.

She's a light grayish, black striped patterned saber tooth tigress. She meant everything to the tiger. She used to. Now, she was nothing but a faded, waste of memory from his meaningless past. Yet, the tiger questioned why he was thinking of the things he wanted to forget. Truthfully, he wasn't sure. Just because. Was anything else more important to him? Not really. The last important thing he could think of was when he completely screwed up. And they know he did. He just wished he could go back in time and prevent all of it from happening. He screwed up. So badly. Why?

It was a rather cold day on the tropical island that his ex-herd decided to call home. This was also around when he first met Shira. He asked her to join the herd. How could he let her go? That frozen scrap of ice was the last place that someone as beautiful as her deserved to live on. She deserved so much more. He deserved so much more.

Getting to their new home really took a while. The wind was as calm and soothing as Shira described the wind of the ice ship's to be. Only she said that this breeze was even more relaxing and peaceful than any day living on that pirate ship

When the tiger first met her, the day his life was instantly and forcefully turned around in a new direction, she wanted no part of him. Yet, of all the hurtful things she said to him; of all the insults and jokes she used to make fun of him, he was still willing to let her join the herd.

Now that he thought about it, a herd really didn't seem any different than a pack. Same with a crew, such as the one Shira used to be a member of. Maybe she was right. What was the difference? Nothing. Why give something that meant one thing three names? They had each others backs? At first, maybe. But that all suddenly changed to him. Now, it was the biggest lie he'd ever heard. And it sickened him.

As he sat there, next to Shira on that twelve hour trip across the ocean, one would think something interesting would have happened during that time. Actually, the tiger wouldn't have called it interesting.

"What ISthe difference between a herd and a pack, anyway?" She asked as the ice continuously traveled with the ocean's current. Everyone else in the herd was on the opposite side of the ice chunk. The tiger tried his best to not jump to random assumptions, but he could tell they were thinking that the two of them could use some alone time. Contrary to that, the tiger somewhat believed he'd be better off alone, without the need to care about someone.

"I thought I already told you this." he told her with no tone in his words at all. It was something he assumed she hated more than anything. He showed very little interest in her. In fact, the tiger was almost positive that she had no interest in him either. It just wasn't meant to be.

"Yeah, they've got each other's backs. Great. One difference. But it's not enough to call them two different things." She said back to him. It was something she was really good at. Whenever they argued, it was a close argument. But in the end, she'd throw something at him that he wouldn't be prepared for, giving her the win to the argument. The first couple times it was cute seeing her act like she was better than him. Unfortunately, it took him a while to realize the truth in that.

"If there really is no difference, then what does it matter which one you're in?" the tiger said, thinking that for once, he won the argument.

"I don't know, you tell me." She said with an obvious tone of annoyance in her words, "Why don't you go back to living in a pack?"

The golden saber looked back to see if any of the herd members were listening to their conversation. Amazingly enough, none of them even broke eye contact with him as he looked back at them. The entire herd had been listening to their entire conversation.

Great. Great job, guys. If you were really wanting me to spend some alone time with her, then that's a great way to do it.

Not being able to stand how awkward the whole situation was, the tiger got up and walked over to a different corner of the ice, alone. As he was doing this, he faintly heard Shira's voice.

"Guess I win again..."

That really irritated him. But what could he have possibly said? No matter what he ever said to her, it always turned into an argument. He didn't want to believe it had to be that way. He lost his mind whenever things like that happened.

That essentially summed up the whole awkward ten hour trip. Even the tiger wouldn't have bothered going into all the details with doing absolutely nothing for that long of a time span, knowing he was just going more and more insane by the second. It amazed him that he managed to get through that hell without completely going berserk, but what would soon unfold came as no surprise to him.

Once he caught his first glance at the island they planned to settle on, he thought for a second that his sanity was kicking back in. However, that went away once Shira came up beside him, instantly making him think back to that awkward conversation the two of them had. It seemed that every time she got anywhere near him, he felt like a completely different saber.

Getting off the ice at long last, the hot sand from the sun's rays had never felt so good. But something felt... off. As he walked a couple feet ahead of the rest of the herd who were taking their time admiring the place, the tiger noticed that she had a concerned look on her face. He honestly had no idea why she had that look. He also wasn't sure if it was directed at him, or something else. Seeing her like that, he turned back around and started walking a little faster away from her.

Not looking back, the tiger continued along the beach, up towards the icy terrain leading into the forest. He just kept walking, not having a single inch of regret from that moment back on the iceberg, nor with the herd becoming concerned with his absence. After all, Shira saw him walk away, so she would tell them, not that he would care whether she did or not.

Often when the tiger was alone, he felt like himself. He felt that no matter what he said, no one would make fun of him. No one would judge him. It was why he believed he fell victim to that habbit. Because he was the only one he could ever trust.

Coming to a stop, he sat down near a river that ran through the endless forest.

"What the hell is wrong with me?" He asked himself, feeling the world around him fade out of reality.

"Better question: What's wrong with them? Everyone else. There's nothing wrong with me. What did I ever do?"

He felt his sanity decline by the second, feeling as though he was unable to control his actions both mentally and physically. This only led him to except the inevitable. Or, at least try to.

"Why can't I talk to her? What's wrong with me? Shira... I... I just..." He struggle to say the right words.

"I hope you never regret the decision you made." He said, finding a substitute for his original words. Ever since Shira made her decision to join the herd, anxiety built up in him. What if she decided to leave? What if she thought that all of this was just not the life for her?

He wished he could have said something to that effect earlier. It might of changed how things ended up now. He wanted to tell her how much he wanted to be there for her. To make her life meaningful. To stay with him. But he couldn't say that. He couldn't possibly say that. Why would he?

"Diego?"

He head the voice that he could recognize easier than any other. Since the golden cat knew exactly who it was, he didn't bother turning around. He just stood there and waited for her presence to be seen before him. But she never walked up to him.

Getting impatient, he yanked his head behind him, seeing Shira standing there with an irritated look on her face. he guessed that she didn't get enough humiliation out of him the first time they were arguing back on the iceberg or even when they first had some sort of connetion at Switch Back Cove when they held her prisoner in that tree. Even then, she'd still tease him, never appearing to lose any interest in doing so.

"Had enough of your alone time, softy?" She said with a cunning smirk. The insanity was building up so powerfully at that moment in time. He was at the edge of losing more than just his mind. To anyone else, he had no reason to be acting that way.

The only reason is that I have no reason.

He imagined that no one had the same exact temper. Everyone in the herd knew about his short temper. And they learned to work around it. But Shira knew nothing of who she was dealing with. She had no idea. She had no idea about the animal he had just become.

When too many thoughts about his life entered, his rage was at peak strength at that very moment. He just couldn't stop himself before he sprung off of the ground and tackled Shira off the small cliff by the river, causing her to land on her back as blood appeared on the ground below her. She cried from the pain. She cried from what he did. What he caused.

One would think he would've stopped right there. But he was truly a monster that couldn't control itself. His anger didn't allow for rationalizing as he started clawing at her, roaring profanity at what he believed she did to him. How she made him go off the edge. How he thought she deserved it.

His clamping jaws into her neck seemed to snap the smallest impulse to his brain. By then, the rage inside him disappeared. Not completely though. Just enough for him to release his grip on her.

The tiger would never forget the pain in her eyes as he looked down at her and trembled. Her tears were mixed in with her blood as the hard falling rain slowly washed it away.

He truly had no idea what was going through his head at that exact moment, and it would be too hard to try to explain. But now, it was too late for that. Without thinking, he bolted off, away from the animal he became.

That all happened hours ago. Now he was where he ended up. Lost. Absolutely no where with no reason to return. Even if he did, what could he possibley say?

Shira, what did I do wrong? Why did you have to say all those hurtful things to me? Was there any purpose? Was there any meaning? Did you actually mean all those words you said? All those lies? I don't understand it. All I understand is that I'm a god damn animal.

"Diego?" The answer called out to him.

He turned around, seeing who he thought he would have never seen again. The tiger started growling at her, but the fear in her beautiful eyes refrained myself from doing so.

Looking at her, he could see the scars that he gave her those hours ago. Looking at them tore him apart on the inside.

"Please... stay away from me." he told her, wishing he actually didn't.

"Diego...I'm... I'm sorry. This was really all my fault. If I had just shut up in the first place, I-"

"Then shut up." he said, biting his tongue for saying that. He knew he was the one who should shut up. She was trying to apologize, after all.

Seeing the hurt in her eyes, he walked closer to her. She started to back up, afraid of the animal she created. Maybe she finally understood. The first creature to ever completely understand him.

"Just shut up." He spoke in an oddly comforting way as he leaned into her and touched her lips with his own. It felt so amazing. All his rage just died in those few seconds.

He though she was going to stay there, but she didn't. She forced herself out of his lock and had the darkest blush on her face. The tiger was sure he had the same thing. He just couldn't see it.

Backing up a little bit, she gave him a look of curiosity. At first he though he just made things worse as tears started forming in his eyes. But he really didn't care. She could make fun of him all she wanted to. That's what she was best at.

But she didn't. Instead, a small smile appeared on her face. He wasn't sure why until she jumped on him, pinning him to the ground and pressing her lips up against his own. She started moving more up his body, rubbing away the tears that were still formed in his eyes. He couldn't believe any of this. But the truth is, he had to. He wanted to.

He started stroking his paws across the side of her body, getting her to pur from the affectionate feelings he was giving her. This also made him pur, as she did the same to his body.

The tiger believed that neither of them had any idea why we they doing this. Maybe they just felt sorry for each other. But it didn't matter. Only this mattered. The two of them. Nothing else was important. That's what he always wanted to believe. And now, he finally did. He promised himself that he would remain as the animal he showed her, not using it to harm her, but the other way around.

THE END