Summary: Mira, Erza, Juvia, Levy, and Cana fight over who is Lucy's best friend. It gets really weird.
Pairings: Mira/Lucy Friendship, Erza/Lucy Friendship, Cana/Lucy Friendship, Levy/Lucy Friendship, Juvia/Lucy Friendship, a little Jet/Levy/Droy if you squint, some Gray/Juvia, a tiny bit of Alzack/Bisca, and some Natsu/Lucy.
YouTube Prompt: A crack-ish Lucy/Natsu video to 'I Won't Say I'm in Love' from Disney's Hercules. Because I feel it fits with Lucy's in denial attitude to her feelings for Natsu, and I reckon the likes of Mirajane and co would make fantastic muses/back-up singers to this.
It was a quiet day at the guild, well as quiet as it can be with majority of the members' home for the day, and Mirajane was taking advantage of Kinana's assistance to be able to have a catch up with Juvia, Erza, Levy, and Cana. Juvia had recently come back from a mission that had consisted of spending a lot of her reward on shopping, and was currently showing off her purchases.
"….and then, Juvia brought this matching set of best friend necklaces," Juvia said as she pulled out two silver chains, one with best written on it, and the other with friend, "Juvia is hoping that whenever Love Rival looks at it she will realise our friendship is more important and stay away from Gray-sama."
"Love Rival?" Levy questioned.
"Lucy-san," Juvia corrected sheepishly, "Lucy-san is Juvia's best friend."
"Oh Juvia, I'm so sorry," Mira said sweetly, "Lucy isn't your best friend because she's my best friend."
"I think you will find yourself mistaken, Mirajane," Erza said coldly, "I'm Lucy's best friend."
"Nah, you're all wrong," Cana said as she chugged down her drink, "I'm Lucy's best friend."
"Actually," Levy said as she took her wind-reading glasses off, "I am, seeing as I'm the only one that shares her interests."
The fiver girls glowered at one another so fiercely that people in a ten foot radius would swear they saw bolts of electricity run between them….which was why they instantly ran for it, to the much safer, if lacking any booze, side of the room and hid under the tables. It's called self-preservation, not cowardice.
"I think you should all back off," Erza said in her most terrifying, bossy, voice that usually worked, "Lucy and I are best friends. We work on a team together, I've put my life on the line to save her and she in return, I'm always at her house, we go shopping together, we tell each other secrets, and when the time comes I will be the one that is her maid of honour and the godmother to her children."
"Oh really?" Mirajane challenged in an equally terrifying voice. Elfman shuddered from the other side of the room. He knew his sister's 'don't fuck with me' voice well. "If you are Lucy's best friend then you will have no trouble sharing your cake with her."
Erza stiffened, turned white, and then suddenly whirled round as she shouted. "Lucy forgive me for my selfishness but the cake is mine!"
"….Lucy isn't here," Levy sweat-dropped. A little worried about Erza's sanity. "And she's not your best friend! You don't go shopping with her that often! I do! We're always in the book shop together, and being on a team doesn't mean a thing! Jet and Droy are my teammates and they're not my best friends, Lu-Chan is," Jet and Droy clutched one another sobbing, not that anyone paid any attention to them, "and I'm totally her best friend. We have pet names for one another!"
"She calls you Levy, that's not a pet name, it's your actual name, dumbass," Cana bumped her tankard against Levy's forehead. "And I'm Lucy's best friend because she's the only person I tell my secrets to and vice versa. We're like two peas in a pod."
"Cana, you tell anyone your secrets if they get you drunk enough," Mirajane said coldly, "I'm Lucy's best friend. I was the first girl she talked to when she came to this guild, I taught her everything she needed to know, kept her company, listened to her troubles, and together we have been shopping, modelling, and cooking. If anyone is her best friend it's me."
"Juvia can top all of that," Juvia boasted, "Have either of you done union raid with Lucy-san? Well Juvia has. Juvia's soul and Lucy's soul was one together as they drowned another living soul together. For one brief moment Lucy-san was in Juvia's body, and Juvia was in Lucy-san, and they have been the best of friends ever since"
The boys, who had all been listening from the safest of the other side of the room, all sweat-dropped at that. "That's just creepy…" Gray muttered.
"That's just Juvia," Freed pointed out, "haven't you noticed? She's been stalking you since before she joined the guild."
"She's what?!"
No one had a chance to tell Gray how stupid he is for not noticing the obvious because Cana suddenly shrieked;
"Lucy had let me touch her breasts!"
The men all choked at the mental images that had produced, and whether or not Juvia is stalker had been forgotten.
"That doesn't mean anything!" Mirajane shouted.
"Yeah it does!" Cana smirked. "It means we're really close. We even showered together!"
"Knowing you," Levy said darkly, "there was no consent or free will from Lucy in either of those things."
"We've all bathed together," Erza pointed out causing many male members to grin stupidly, "that's nothing special, but I've seen her underwear!"
Macao and Wakaba were now suffering severe nosebleeds much to the embarrassment of everyone that could see them. Especially Romeo, who looked at his father in disgust, "Dad!" he hissed furiously. It had absolutely no effect on Macao who continued to enjoy the fantasy that was running through his mind.
"Poor Lucy" Bisca murmured, she knew the young blonde would likely have died of humiliation by now and ordered her maid spirit to bury her. She also knew that this argument was going to get far out of hand and didn't want to subject her daughter to any of this nonsense. "Let's get Asuka out of here before it becomes more risky," she muttered to her husband who nodded in agreement. "Asuka," Bisca said sweetly, "let's go play in the park and have some ice cream," Asuka cheered her agreement to the plan and the married couple quickly prepared to leave. "Want to join us Romeo?" Bisca asked the only remaining child member of the guild (Wendy and Charle had gone on a mission in the next town over).
"Yes please…" Romeo said desperately.
Quickly the four left and just in time as the argument began to turn a more deadly tone.
"I was the one that rescued her at the Magic Games!" Mirajane shouted.
"I would have!" Cana protested.
"Juvia was saving Lucy-san as well!" Juvia shrieked, her cheeks turning a bright pink. "With her performance at the games!"
"As was I," Erza added curtly, "besides I've rescued her many times before."
"Yeah, well, Lucy keeps photos of me!" Mirajane fumbled for another argument. After all nearly everyone could argue they had rescued Lucy. "She has them all up her bedroom wall, and in a scrapbook!"
"WHAT HAS THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!" Erza roared.
"It means I'm sexier than you!"
"Oh no you didn't!"
The men all screamed as Erza transformed into her Heaven's Wheel armour and summoned roughly a couple hundred swords out, all ready and aimed at Mirajane. The last time the two fought no one escaped uninjured. To make matters worse, Mirajane transformed into Satan Soul and was already summoning a dark purple orb of demon power. Cana, determined not to be left out of the battle, brought out her cards and held them menacingly, a wave of lightning ran through them, and then suddenly Juvia's hands glowed blue, and Levy held up her pen which also glowed in a threatening manner.
When the boys fight, the building got trashed a little bit, but when the girls fought usually a portion of the town got flattened. And it was too late to make a run for it. The men gave in to whatever fate had planned and merely hugged one another under the tables for comfort.
It was then when Lucy walked in. "Good morning every…..erm," she bit her lip nervously as she took in the terrifying sigh before her, ""What's going on?" she asked warily.
"LUCY!" All five girls screamed in unison. "TELL THSE BITCHES THAT I'M YOUR BEST FRIEND! DON'T COPY ME, YOU BITCH! I SAID DON'T COPY ME!"
"EH?!" Lucy cried out confused. "You want me to pick a best friend?! Why?"
"Because I'm obviously your best friend," Erza said a lot more calmly than normal, "after all I'm your team mate."
"But I'm obviously your real best friend, right Lu-Chan?" Levy said sweetly. "After all we share everything with one another!"
"Juvia and her Love Rival are best friends!"
"Nu-huh! I am!"
"I think you will find it is me," Mirajane said menacingly, "and anyone says otherwise I will gut them."
Lucy wrung her hands nervously. She really didn't want to anger these five terrifying women even further. "Can't you all be my best friend?" she asked.
"NO!"
Lucy jumped, clutched her keys for comfort, and then took a deep breath, looking for some way to defuse the situation. "Well then…" she said slowly. "If I had to choose….and if you take in consideration…."
"Yes?!" the girls cried out eagerly.
The door opened and Natsu strolled in obliviously with Happy.
"…It would have to be Natsu," Lucy finished quickly. "I have to go to the bathroom, bye!" she then ran off abandoning Natsu to his fate.
"NATSU?!"
"Yo," Natsu grinned at the girls, still completely oblivious, and blind to the boys dramatically miming at him behind the girls' backs. "You called?"
"How dare you?!" Erza roared. "Prepare to die so I can take back the name of Lucy's best friend!"
"EEK!"
Natsu was then thoroughly attacked by all five girls who were determined to be Lucy's best friend. Lucy, who had peered round the bathroom door to watch the massacre, winced on his behalf.
"Sorry Natsu!" she called out softly. "I'll make it up to you, I swear!"
Natsu said nothing as he was too busy fighting for his life but he swore, right there and then, that he would get his revenge on Lucy Heartfilla.
(Natsu eventually did get to enact his revenge on Lucy. A revenge that consisted of the age old prank, bucket of water, a white t-shirt Lucy happened to have been wearing, some ropes to tie her down as he tormented her, and…..erm, well, it kind of stopped being anything remotely Best Friend behaviour….they ended up doing a lot of un-best friendly things….)