Nothing For Me Here
How many times should I stop and believe in myself? I don't believe much in anything. I've seen enough of the pain and the shame and the blame. It don't mount up to anything. Now I rewind back to a time where I could do anything and pay any price. And I need time cause I'm starting to think that the promises ain't worth the sacrifice. And there's nothing for me here. - Dope
Happy endings don't occur very often, especially for someone like me. Most of my life never ends up the way I want it to. I never thought that every step I took would meet the rest. If all the positive events of my life meant anything, then it would be telling me that my life would turn out the way I'd hoped it be. Well, I can't fall for that trick anymore than you can. That's thinking in fantasy world. Reality doesn't allow any of that 'hopes and dreams' stuff to come true. It sickens me. I hate it. Who knew that my life could change for the better in one day, and then instantly crushed the week after? It's so ironic. It's so unbelievable.
But it's life.
Once that unfortunate event hits your life, you start seeing things differently, smelling things differently. It's like something that you never thought would enter your life, yet it happened. I should have expected something like this would happen. But then again, why should I give a damn. Nothing could have helped me. Nothing could have prevented this.
Nothing can save her now…
I just don't know what to say. I don't know what to think. I can't even think straight for god's sake! Ever since it happened! My life hasn't been the same. It's fading away. And yet, no one cares. Hell, I'm not sure if anyone even knows about what happened, because as soon as it did happen, I never went back out there.
Now as I lay here in the dark, and I think back to the beginning; I know that something's will have to end for the next life to begin.
I'm alone. No one to comfort me. I'm trapped inside this world with no comfort for even myself anymore. What's the point of living anymore? Why should I bother? She's dying. You all know who I'm talking about. Saying her name would be more than I could handle.
I still can't believe it. Why did it have to happen? Everything is fading away. I'm falling away from this world. I don't care anymore, for the time has already hardened up my heart.
Her name…Shira.
She's the greatest thing my life has ever gotten. She's all I could have ever hoped for. She completed me as I completed her. Everything was perfect. I had my whole life in order. However, looking at things now, it's just not the same. It's all gone.
Now, when something like this happens in your life, images and thoughts come rushing into your mind like crazy. For a few minutes or even hours, you can't think straight. You feel like you can't breath and your muscles become unresponsive. Therefore, you collapse to the floor, unable to control yourself.
I'll never forget today. After it all happened, I'm thankful she's still alive. But barely. I'm keeping any hope inside of me that is telling me that she will be alright and that everything will work out. Yet, no matter how hard I try to see things that way, the back of my mind holds the truth. She's going to die. She knew it. I knew it. It's only a matter of time. It's always been. Ever since I first met her during my escape from the continental drift on that ship of frozen water, the only thing that has been going on inside my head was when I was gonna suck it up and tell her how I feel about her. Time has been on my side. But my obsession wouldn't let me do it in time. Instead of telling her how I felt for her, I cost her life for her. I blame myself for all of this pain for both of us. Especially her. I could tell her right now. If she was awake. She's been unconscious for about seven hours now, and yet, I still refuse to leave her presence. I have to protect her. I won't let something like that happen again. I just can't believe.
I just can't believe it.
I remember so much. All the time we spent together. In my mind, it seemed like forever, but in reality, it's only been a short period of time. Like a week or so. And within that week, something occurred that I'll never bother to forget.
"I really don't feel like I'm wanted here, Diego." Her words came out with tears streaming down her eyes that second night on our new home. Both of us had to share a caved- in den on the island while everyone else slept outside, farther away from us. I'm not sure if it was just me, but something told me that the entire herd didn't trust Shira completely yet. It was all because she was a pirate. To me, it didn't matter who she was. All that matters is who she is now. The rest of the herd never saw her the way I did. How could they?
As I was up against her, comforting her in her time of need, I honestly didn't know how to respond to that. I wanted to say what my heart was screaming at me to say.
'I want you here. Because I love you.'
But I can't. I can't say it. It's just not in me. I've never been around another saber since Soto's pack. Even then, there weren't any female sabers, so that just made my chances with her even lower than originally intended.
"Of course you're wanted here." I say, listening to my brain instead of my heart like always.
'God, why can't I suck it up?! Being this close to her, she has to feel the same way too! So why can't I?!'
A part of me believed that she said that because she was trying to get me to admit my feelings to her. The only thing is, how would I know if she feels the same way?
"Well, THEY obviously don't act like they want me here." She says, snapping me back into reality. I could tell she was trying to hide her sadness. Whenever a tear came from her beautiful eyes, she'd try to hide it by turning away and wiping it off. However, know matter how much she tried to hold in the tears, when ever she looked at me, I could see her eyes getting all watery. It was so painful yet so beautiful to look at at the same time. Is there something wrong with that? Her sapphire colored eyes mixed in with her tears looked just like the ocean. The very same ocean that I met her on.
As soon as I saw her eyes filled with tears, I couldn't help but bring a smile across my face.
I'm not sure what her immediate reaction was, but she seemed less sad the moment I smiled at her. Because of this, she couldn't help but cast a smile on her face as well.
"Well, it's not true." I tell her, trying to think of anything I can to make her feel better. It always pains me inside to see her this way. I'm sure of it, and I'm sure she knows as well.
"It's just that sometimes I feel like no one understands me." She says, resting her head in my golden coat.
Just the feel of Shira resting on me made me stiffen up to the point where Shira could feel my muscles tightening. She looks up into my emerald eyes with a curious look on her face.
'For god's sake, Diego! She's practically begging for you to do it. So just do it and get it over with!' My heart was going berserk to the point where I almost felt like I was having a heart attack. That's when I noticed that our lips were only inches apart from each other. I could also still see the tears in her eyes.
'She's pleading for it! Do it!'
I couldn't set up my mind! Her lips were getting ever so closer to mine.
'What am I suppose to do?'
'Do exactly what she's telling you to do!'
'What if I'm wrong? What if I make a huge mistake by-
What the hell have you got to lose?!
Everything!
Nothing!
I could now smell her breath breathing on me. We were that close together. I was about to get up, not being able to take the pressure from all of this anymore, when I felt Shira's paw run up along my shoulder.
"You know Diego," she started. I tried not to look at her or give any acknowledgment, but I couldn't. I couldn't help but look into her most beautiful sapphire eyes once more. "Whenever I feel like everyone's against me, I just feel unbelievably depressed. And for a while, I couldn't do anything about it. But... Then you showed up. You entered my life as I did to yours, and from that day on, I felt like you're the only one that is on my side. You're the only one I can trust."
The heat was really getting to me now. It was so bad to the point where I felt a cold feeling run down the back of my shoulders and spine area. It was as if a spray of cold water shot at me. Only it wasn't anything physical, or something I could see. It was just me not being able to stand the situation I was in. I was completely freaking out on the inside at that moment, that I got up, and backed away from Shira. I really wish that I didn't, though. It might have changed the events that were about to unfold. It could have saved her.
Looking down on Shira who was still lying on the ground, she was looking up at me with the most hurtful of looks in her eyes.
I stumbled the words to say for a second before saying, "Shira, I... I just..."
'Damn it, Diego! Can't you say ANYTHING!'
'Just think of a way out of this!'
'No! Tell her the truth! Tell her how you feel about her!'
Once again, my mind was having a mental battle for my obsession.
"I gotta go." I say so suddenly, and start speed walking out of the cave.
As I was leaving, I heard Shira's voice again, "Diego! What did I do?!" She yelled, trying to catch up with me. I was in such a mental breakdown at that moment, that I couldn't think before I started darting into the forest, trying to get away from her.
Even as I was smashing through the forest's darkness, and dominating the green ivy colored ground below me, something told me that she wasn't going to lose me any time soon.
'Come on! Stop! Why are you running?!' My mind kept yelling at me.
'I'm done! I just can't deal with it anymore!'
'Just stop!'
'No! I'm better off dead, anyways!'
It was times like these where I would wish I'd be paying more attention to my surroundings other than my mind, because the next thing I know, I feel my face come in contact with a denser and more stronger object than my skull. Instantly collapsing to the ground, my first thoughts were about my face. Is it broken? Do I look recognizable due to the collision to the tree? I look up to find out that I must have hit a tree. God, if Shira had seen that, she'd never let me hear the end of it. She'd probably think of me as the most clumsy saber to ever exist. Wouldn't that make a scene?
Getting up, my mind had a long recovery gap from the collision with the tree, it just came to my attention why the hell I was running in the first place. I was about to take off again when all of a sudden, a stream of silver jumped up and pinned me to the ground below me.
For a second, I didn't do anything to fight back, seeing how my current state was, there really didn't seem to be any point to.
"Get off me!" I yell at her. It was then that I noticed how I said it to her. I made it sound hurtful although I never intended for it to be that way. As I was forced into the ground, I could feel Shira's arms begin to shake due to her grip on my shoulders. It wasn't from her grips and muscles working to keep me pinned down. It was because she was heartbroken. I should have stopped right then and there, but like I said, I was in a mental breakdown, and am still in the process of doing so.
If there was one thing that had any meaning to it during those few hours together, it was when I felt a drop of water hit my face when Shira had me pinned down. I open my eyes and look up at her to see her crying more than I've ever seen her cry before.
"Diego! What did I do?! Why are you doing this?!" She yelled in demand, although I could tell that there was mostly fear in those words. God, I wish I would've made better choices right then.
Looking down at me, I just couldn't look away from her. She was so perfect. Even though I didn't completely want to be around her at that moment, I still looked into the ocean through her eyes.
As I breathed heavily due to lose of fatigue, the snow below me that I was seemingly pressed into had gotten to the point where it became uncomfortable. It was freezing cold. From this, I began to shiver. Not just a little. It was due to the icy cold snow enveloping my back side as well as a little something known as nervousness.
Shira, feeling me shaking uncontrollably, released her grip on me, finally allowing me to get off the snow.
"I'm sorry, I had no idea the snow was so cold." She said, lifting her paws up, now just realizing how cold the snow was.
Now, you'd think I would just give in and admit my feelings to her, or at least show some kind of consideration to her change of heart. Or mine, to say the least, but no. I didn't.
God, I was such an asshole to her. I rarely showed any acknowledgment to her ever. I never ate anywhere near her. I can't even talk to her anymore, for god's sake!
"Really, what did I do? Why have you been acting this way, recently?" She asked, sucking me back into that vortex of reality.
'Why?' I thought to myself, 'Because I love you. I love you so much, it hurts.' If I were to have just said those few couple of words, she'd still be safe and talking to me. I wouldn't be talking about this right now. So easily I could have picked the right decisions, but I didn't. My head was burning up from anxiety and frustration. I felt so uncomfortable around her all the time because I wanted to always be around her.
"Because I can't take it anymore." I finally manage to say something between my pathetic lips.
Shira gave a rather confused look on her face. Clearly I wasn't clear enough. I realized that my answer sounded a bit vague.
"I can't take you being around me anymore."
'What the hell are you saying?! Lies! You want to be with her more than anything else! Don't screw it up! Don't!' It was a battle between my mind of honesty, and my mouth of dishonesty, and guess which one was winning.
"I just feel so uncomfortable around you."
'Why?! Tell her why you feel that way around her! Do it, god dammit!'
"W-what are you... saying?" Shira asked with a fake smile, assuming that I wasn't being serious.
"Shira..." I start, fighting back what I was about to say. But just then, something happened. Something that I was in no way expecting. She ran up to me, and pressed her lips against mine. She really did want me, just like I really wanted to be with her. It's just that I never showed it.
Now you'd think that this makes all those worries about each other wash away. No. It's just gonna get worse, because that's all that ever happens to me.
As I was stunned and paralyzed with immediate shock, I finally got the strength to pull away, and THIS is how the real problem began.
As soon as I pulled out of our lock, all I could see was a look of disappointment on her face, as if she figured I would have pulled away anyways.
Well, I could honestly say she had more guts than I did. I could hardly even look her in the eyes, and what did she do? She had a full on kiss with me. Unbelievable.
Immediately after, a dark red blush appeared on her face, and I felt the same with my face.
"Shira, I-
"Don't say anything." She interrupts as she walks past me, leaving my presence at last. But of course, it was only now that I actually really wanted her to be with me. Whenever I'm not with her, I want to be with her. And when ever I am with with her, I don't want to be with her. So, what the hell am I suppose to do?!
For a while, I just stood there in the deep, dark forest that was covered with blankets of snow. I noticed what direction she was heading in. She was going towards the beach area. It's her favorite place to relax and think to herself. At least that's what she's been telling me. It's the first place where she fully opened up her true feelings for me. For a while, as I was standing there in the forest, I was debating whether or not I should follow her. Maybe I could straighten things out. Maybe
I could fix all of this.
I start walking off in the direction she vanished into, keeping in her scent. It was one that I would never forget. Her paw prints on the snow's ground made tracking her down even easier. Soon enough, I found the trees to be disappearing slowly one by one as I was exiting the forest, emerging onto the sandy beaches of the island.
Finally, I see her. She was up on the same boulder that she always came to when ever she felt depressed. It was right on the coast of the ocean. The ocean's waves would rush against the boulder, causing splashes to reach the tip of the boulder at times. As I approached her, trying my best not to make a sound from my steps, I could hear her crying. Now, maybe if there was still any sign of consideration inside of me at that time, hearing her cry made me tear up on the inside. It was also then that I realized that it was starting to rain heavily as dark clouds embedded the blue skies from above.
'You've got to do it. It's now or never.'
'Ya, obviously. But what am I suppose to say?'
'Maybe you shouldn't say anything. Clearly that didn't help last time.'
'Then what should I do?'
'Just do what she did.'
I tried to rid myself of that thought.
'No! It's not in me!'
'Are you kidding?! You know she loves you! So why the hell should you have an excuse not to?!
Finally, I give in and start walking up towards the boulder. That's when I heard her speak.
"Diego, am I not good enough for you?"
At first, I was about to respond because I thought that she was talking to me. But she actually had no idea of my presence and was actually talking to herself. Curious of what she might say, I stay hidden behind the boulder that she was up on.
"Did you really want me to join your herd?"
'Of course.' I think to myself. If only I said it out loud. If only.
"So back on that iceberg, I wasn't good enough. Apparently, here, it's the same damn thing. I'm just not wanted anywhere. I don't belong anywhere."
I couldn't stand her sadness anymore. I started climbing up the builder and got right behind her. And that's when it happened. Her final words came out.
"There's nothing for me here."
With that, she did what I never would have thought she'd do. She leaned right over the edge of the boulder, and fell into the stormy ocean.
My heart started pounding, and skipped beats. Only one word went through my mind at that moment.
Suicide.
I immediately jump in after her, and dove into the rather deep ocean.
I tried looking around for any sign of her sparkly silver coat, but it was no use. I dove deeper and deeper, hoping to find her, but to no luck.
Running out of breath, I quickly resurface above the ocean, and gasping in the air above.
"SHIRA!" I yell at the top of my lungs. I looked around for anything. Anything that could be her floating above sea level.
Nope. Nothing. I immediately go back under, repeating the same process over and over again and to no use.
That was it. She was gone.
Giving up, I resurface again and paddled towards shore with the most dreadful feeling inside of me.
I lost her.
For the next hour or so, I lay there on the beach. I always loved beaches and how calm and relaxing they were. But after what happened today, I'll never look at them the same way again.
So I just laid there, crying miserably. Never again would I see her beautiful sapphire eyes. I'll never hear her amazing laugh again. I'll have no one to eat with. I'll be alone.
Now, I guess just this one time, fate wouldn't allow something like that to happen, because something a lot more contrast than the sandy beaches and the blue, salty ocean caught my eyes as I looked farther down the shore lines.
Never would I recognize anything as beautiful and perfect as her. I instantly got up and sprinted right towards what I thought was her, and sure enough, it was.
"Shira!" I yell to her as I got down beside her. I listened to her heartbeat. Thank god she was still alive, but like I said, barley.
"Don't do this to me Shira! You can't! You won't! I...I..." I stutter, resting my head against hers.
"I love you." At last, the words came out. But of course, it was only because she was knocked out unconscious and couldn't hear me anyways.
I start to notice that she was shivering, so I lay up against her and wrap my arms and legs around her to keep her warm.
So that's basically all that happened that day and is how I am where I am now. Unable to go on in life.
Shira, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I guess there's nothing left to say.
As I laid into her, I stroked her left arm in hope that she'd come to her senses.
'Now do you see what you've done.'
'I knew this would happen.'
'Then why didn't you prevent all of this? You could have stopped this!'
At that moment, I finally felt it. I felt love inside of me, and I was willing to give it to someone else.
'It's the least you can do now.'
I look down at her closed eyes and her partially opened mouth. Slowly, I let my lips come in contact with hers, and my god, did it feel so good! I knew I was missing out on something, but wow!
Going deeper into the kiss, I start to have my eyes fading away from reality until they were completely closed. Soon enough, I start to purr at how good of a feeling this was. Tears came streaming down my face as I went further and further into it.
'Its the least I can do.'
Finally, I open my eyes, and all I could see was the ocean, the very same one that I met her on, staring back at me.
THE END