Leaving the End Open
I can tell exactly where we're going, but I won't turn the page. Wishing I could outsmart time and space. And even though your voice sound like the chapter's end, I'm not afraid. Your words are making my heart race away. - Hardline
His apple green eyes dozed off into the fire that sat towards the back of the enclosure. The heat from the flames powdered into his face with his eyes watering. The tears weren't from the heat's irritation, though. They were from his own thoughts that just wouldn't shut up. He couldn't stop beating himself up over the smallest things. The more he thought about them, though, the bigger they got.
"Why can't I talk to her?"
His chin resting on his paws as he sat with his back turned to the exit, a waterfall of snow flakes visibly outside with blackness enveloping all sight beyond that.
Generally, all his thoughts came from different angles, but overtime, they'd round up to the same result: About her.
What, am I afraid of her?
The cat exhaled out of irritation, the smallest form of tears appearing under his eyes as he thought about all the days he's spent with her. Days he should have spent with her.
I want to be able to talk to her. Just like anyone else.
But this wasn't just anyone. This was Shira. The most beautiful and cunningly witty saber Diego had ever had the pleasure of laying his eyes on. How someone like that could cross paths with someone like him was beyond the cat.
"I want to tell her how I feel. I want to hold her."
Just hearing himself say these things out loud was difficult enough. He didn't see himself as a soft and open saber. No one ever did. Not like she told him.
Why'd she see it? Was she just messing with me?
He wanted to believe that it was something more. The way she teased him in that rooted tree. He had to tell himself, though, that realistically, it didn't mean shit.
That all happened back when the island wasn't freezing it's ass off. Since then, it had gotten much colder.
Winter was just around the corner, temperatures already sank below zero. There was almost a feeling of the holidays. A pitch, dim, blue sky domed atop the island, shadowed clouds filled quickly as the night begun. Being there to experience it wasn't necessary. Just the sight of the ice splintering winds coursing through the trees was enough to make the point across.
Her gleaming color of silver had then caught the corner of his eye. He turned to see her pelt powdered with snow, blanketing down her neck to her tail.
The cutest thing, though, was the tip of her pink nose covered in snow. It was almost too adorable for Diego, his smile only reaching half way before yanking it back to neutral.
"It's way too cold out there." She said, throwing her exhaustion onto the cavern's ground and shivering next to the fire. All the while, Diego stared into the flames, casting glances at what was his entire world.
Say something, dipshit!
He knew it was difficult to speak for a reason. When they first met, he said a few things, same as her. Maybe he said some things that were... soft for him. But nothing that just completely threw all his feelings onto her. Everything was hidden, and now he was doubting that she ever saw anything past that.
"Where have you been all day?" Her blue raspberry eyes darted towards him, leaving him paralyzed with how to answer.
Say that you've been out... exercising? Hunting? I don't know! Say something, dammit!
His head quickly tried to come up with something, realizing that he had been taking too long to answer.
"I've uh..."
Maybe tell her the truth? You've just been sitting around-
"I've just been here..."
And?! And?!
"Alone... with my thoughts."
He kept his gaze with hers, though it was extremely difficult. Eye contact wasn't something he found himself to be particularly good at. Plus her eyes were just too damn beautiful for him.
"How's that going?"
"It's been hell."
"Oh... cool."
He gritted his teeth in frustration, hating how bad he was with small talk... with her, at least.
"How about... you?" He almost stopped mid sentence.
"Kinda the same, I suppose. Just out and about, with my thoughts, too." She answered, seeming to have more focus on her paws rather than her words.
Thoughts about what? I wonder...
"What do you think about?" He almost couldn't believe those words escaped his lips.
Her face said nearly the same as she gazed back up at him for a bit before tilting her head.
Like she'd tell you.
"I don't know. Just...
She stopped mid sentence, gritting her teeth and tightly closing her eyes as she gripped her hind leg.
Diego sprang up the moment he realized something was wrong. Though he knew himself to be rather reserved and to keep to himself, his instincts seemed to take over at that moment... or maybe it was something else.
"Something wrong?" He asked with concern evident.
"My limbs... they're just... really numb from the cold."
Diego scurried around the fire, unsure what to do about this other than the fire's warmth.
"It's not that bad." She insisted, scooting a bit closer to the fire where he was.
"Here. Let me see."
Diego sat down next to her, lifting her front paws into his, rubbing and squeezing them to see how bad they were. All the while, Shira was smirking in amusement to Diego's own unawareness.
"I'm fine. Really." She repeated, though not necessarily sounding annoyed in anyway.
Diego checked the same with her back feet, the feeling of her soft pattern seemingly stitched across her skin caused his mind to envelope the most comforting state he had ever recalled being in. Little did he know that the exact same went for Shira as his paws basically massaged her limbs.
"As long as you're here, I'm always okay." She said somewhat quickly, like her brain had been wanting to shove it out of her thought process since day one.
"What's that got to do with it?" Diego asked as he smiled, still shyly keeping his gaze at the fire as he stroked her numbness.
"I don't know. You're just really pleasant to be around. Not sure how else to put it."
That surprised the gold cat to such an extent, always figuring the exact opposite. That he was awkward as hell to be around.
All these words she doesn't just say.
"I'm not that fun to be around." He mumbled, looking the other way, not knowing what else to say. It was always like this. That was the problem.
"You sure?" She asked almost rhetorically.
"Yeah."
"Well..." She began as she got up and walked in front of him, "That's a problem, then."
"What, that I have the personality of a stump?"
Her eyebrow raised and her pink lips gave a smirk at his guess.
"No. It's a problem that you think that."
His gaze fell back down to the floor before the fire. She had just then also sat down next to him, the fur on their pelts just barley touching.
"I must not know what fun is, then."
Diego didn't move a muscle as she moved up closer to him, "Because I like being around you." She finished as she leaned against Diego, the two of them watching the fire's sparks fill up the sky beyond the exit.
I've wasted enough time already. Always idly being around her but hardly saying a word. Casting glances and smirks at most. Whether it's with others or the two of us alone, it's always the same. What happened? Does love just... die?
His feelings could barely contain themselves. He wanted to tell her everything so badly. He wanted his mind to let him. Somehow. Just like she would. Or, at least make a better attempt at it. Time and time again, she'd try to crack open his locked state of mind.
The end is only a chance to turn it all over. We could begin a different story. One where we don't know exactly where we are going.
As difficult as it was, he halted his wandering mind and let his voice take over. Sadly, all he could do to start the sentence was say her name.
She lifted her head up. Her eyes gleamed of curiosity. But she didn't speak. She wanted him to tell her. Everything he had meant to tell her. Her head had inched closer to his own. Her numb-healing paw intertwined in his pelt's fur. Her breath grew more intensely of anticipation. What tortured Diego the most, though, was the fire's reflection on her eyes.
God, they're too damn much.
Out of all the occasions they were together that week, this one had the biggest opportunity. All this time, technically, they were together. There just wasn't much of that idea shown. He's never even kissed her yet.
I've never even told her that I love her.
Just thinking about how pathetic it was, gave him the audacity, or lack thereof, to give up trying to talk to her once again. And Shira could feel it. She felt his struggle. But she didn't understand it.
"Diego, what's going on? You weren't like this before." She said in a lesser than soft tone, more so, filling Diego's head with irritated thoughts as all he could do was take a deep breath.
"I was probably trying too hard back then. And now all my energy is gone."
Her eyes rolled back to the flames, thinking about his words. Soon after, his presence lifted from her own as he walked towards the cave's exit.
"Hell, you tell me."
"I think it's something else. I... just don't know what."
I sure as hell do.
He looked back at her, already wanting to cuddle up against her again. The warmth. The matching breaths. The scent. It all felt hypnotic, her eyes being the last dead give away.
He kept his eyes on her as he walked back around the fire, plopping down in front of her.
Ignore everything in your mind. This is about her. About what she wants. What she deserves.
"Diego, I want to know..."
She grabbed his paw with her own and scooted in closer while he could only stare at the warm dancing flames.
"You want to know?"
Her paw gripped his shoulder, want, need and desperation evident in her eyes.
Time stopped. Hearts beat. Breaths stabilized. Peace of mind emitted. Every obstacle. Every doubt. Every wall. There was nothing else in the way. Just his lips. The words had to come out. The reason why it had taken a week up till now. Why he was never able to succumb to her love and lustful desires.
"It's because..." Again, he hesitated. The phrase he wanted to say felt too soft for him to say out loud. Though that's exactly what she told him, if she really believed that to be true.
I'm saying it. Fuck it all.
One last deep breath.
"You're too damn beautiful for me."
His words empowered his body as he pulled her in closer, hugging every curve of her body, breathing in every trace of her scent, and just overall savoring every passing moment with her.
I can feel it. For the first time... in a long time. I'm actually feeling something.
The warmth comforted the two of them, Diego not wanting to see the reaction on her face. Not yet, anyways. Not until he told her everything.
"I've only wanted to protect you, Shira."
The moon shined for them. Her adoration for him seemingly matched. So suddenly, all the self doubt and sadness that took over her mind after leaving the pirates had just slipped away. And he'd know exactly what she means by that.
She smiled. She cried. She choked on her own words to say as if the tables had turned.
Now I know how she feels. I know what she wants. I can tell her anything.
He looked into her eyes, almost in shock that he could keep his gaze at such perpetual beauty.
He wanted to hold off with his lustful desires, already fearing that what he had just said was enough.
She didn't, though.
Her paw guided his lips to her own, the whole world feeling as though it had gone from black and white to full surreal color the moment their mouths connected.
Her body is so soft. God, I'm so warm. So... comfortable. If I had only known sooner... to just dive right in and leave the end open.