I wrote this for the Tartali MS Paint zine. Perfect opportunity for comedy smut.

Some things never change.

Like the way that Zhongli looks and how much Childe loves him. How when someone asks for payment, Zhongli looks at Childe instead like he's his personal wallet (he is).

How tight his ass still is, despite how much Childe has thoroughly obliterated it, time and time again over the decades. Zhongli's rim is stretched wide around his cock, perfectly pink and slick with oil, and Childe can't help but stare as he fucks right in.

The things that do change, however: Childe's eyes are now shit (Zhongli loves his little reading glasses); the weathered lines of his face, and the glinting silver in his hair that stares back in the mirror (Zhongli calls it salt-and-pepper, and says it's very distinguished); The way that his bones and joints creak and ache with every subtle movement ('Growing Pains', says Zhongli as a joke, as if he's still a child not full into his height).

Like the twinge he feels that wraps around his hip and down the back of his thigh. Childe tries to ignore it as he fucks into Zhongli, pressing his legs back and watching as his cock slips in and out with a slippery glide.

So handsome, so perfect, entirely his, his mate, his mate—

Oh, Gods, his ass. Childe hisses suddenly, his thrusting petering out as searing pain shoots across his backside, settling at the base of his spine. He lets out a pained grunt, falling forward, his face turned into the curve of Zhongli's sweaty neck.

"Ajax?" Zhongli's hands find his shoulder, gripping tightly, "Ajax—"

"I'm fine," says Childe, but the words come out as a pained groan. He grimaces, his eyes shut tight as he tries to shift slightly.

Nope, no dice; the pain is nearly unbearable.

Zhongli waits an insufferable long moment before threading his fingers through Childe's hair. "Ajax," he says softly, "Are—"

"I think I pulled a muscle. Gods, I think I actually—"

Zhongli bursts into laughter which Childe hates on principle because it's definitely not fucking funny.

It is. It definitely is; Childe is pushing fifty-five, balls deep in his husband, and has just broken his own ass. Well, maybe not broken, but their lovemaking has definitely come to a premature end— and not the kind that he's usually worried about at his age.

Zhongli moves, carefully pulling away and wiggling out from underneath him. He gently presses a hand to the swell of his behind, pressing against the muscle there.

"No, no— Ow, ow, ow—"

"Roll over." Zhongli's voice is gentle as he coaxes Childe onto his back. Childe moves with effort, gritting his teeth now that the pain has radiated along his spine.

Zhongli is supposed to be the one who can't walk for days, not his miserable ass.

His husband looks at him fondly though, his gaze amused, but warm. Zhongli settles a hand over Childe's hip, smoothing his thumb over the bone there.

"Am I getting too old to fuck you?" asks Childe woefully. "Please tell me that I'm not."

Zhongli snorts. "Of course not. We just… might have to find alternative positions."

Childe sighs softly at that, watching his face. Unlike Childe, he looks largely the same, aside from a few laugh lines here and there. Archon Zhongli isn't anymore, but an adeptus he still is.

Still, there's something appealing to what Zhongli has just said. "Oh? Experimenting? Spicing up the bedroom? Perhaps this will lead to another Honeymooning period."

"Ajax—" Zhongli's voice is so loving— "I don't think we ever left that period."

"So, the weird kinky shit then."

Zhongli laughs again, a low rumble in his chest that Childe just fucking adores. Romance books are right; love really does get better with age.

"You know, the entire point of exercising daily is so this kind of stuff doesn't happen."

"Ajax, lovemaking isn't exercise."

"Says you. My ancient body says otherwise."

Zhongli's eyes narrow, his gaze heated and strangely lustful. "Ancient," he murmurs, his mouth quirked at one end, "One wonders, do you truly know what ancient is? And what ancient can do?"

And just like that, Childe's cock is hard again, already leaking at the tip. Because yes, yes he does.

"I, for one, like you this way, so handsome and distinguished," says Zhongli as he moves to straddle him gingerly, his hair unbound and creating a curtain around Childe's face. He presses a kiss to his mouth that's just this side of hungry, and Childe reacts just as expected.

And then Zhongli pulls away, leaving Childe bereft and keening in frustration instead. "Which is why I won't risk breaking your hip next."

Well, he isn't wrong.

But the doctor was; exercise does nothing to stop the aging.