Summary: Rumpelstiltskin learns why it's best not to make a deal with a Fairy Tail mage.

Pairings: General family feels but mostly centred on parental Bisca/Asuka.

YouTube Prompt: Crack video to Lucy and all the guys she's paired up with, and her list of top potential boyfriends, to 'Don't Impress Me Much' by Shania Twain because….well she's rarely impressed by any guy unless it's Natsu (and even then, it's a horrified impressed at how destructive he is).

"You did what?!"

It had been a somewhat ordinary day for Fairy Tail (lots of drinking, fighting, and stripping involved, of course) when a strange small man appeared wanting to discuss something with Bisca. Everyone who had not been on Tenrou Island during those seven years shuddered.

Apparently Rumpelstiltskin was quite the loan shark and Bisca was the last person to make a deal with him in order to keep the Twilight Ogres off their backs. She had swapped all of her beautiful exotic pets for a lot of gold and it still hadn't been enough, and now it turned out she promised something else.

"She agreed to give me her first born child," Rumpelstiltskin repeated himself, "now come on toots, I don't have all day. Hand her over."

"I most certainly did not and I will not!" Bisca said coldly as she cleaned her gun. "I remember the contract. It was all my pets, my mother's locket, and my grandfather's gun in return for the money. Not my first born child."

"Not my fault that you didn't read the fine print," Rumpelstiltskin shrugged. "Now give me the brat. I have an idiot at Blue Pegasus who promised me a night I'd never forget in return for some gold silk."

Several people shuddered at the mental image that produced. Freed, however, kept his cool (while a few others had to hold back Alzack from murdering the loan shark). "I would like to see this fine print," he said formally, "and assess it myself."

"Sure."

With a snap of his fingers Rumpelstiltskin had manage to conjure the contract and a magnifying glass. Freed leaned over and examined it before looked up at the little imp in disgust. "This cannot be legal!" he growled. "I can barely read it with the magnifying glass."

"It's legal just not ethical," Rumpelstiltskin smirked, "businessmen do it all the time. Just ask blondie here. Her father conned a few men in his time."

People turned to look at Lucy who looked down to the floor. "I don't want to talk about it," she mumbled.

"Now then, come here cutie pie," Rumpelstiltskin cooed as he reached for Asuka, "Papa Rumple will take very good care of you."

He didn't get much nearer to the youngest Fairy Tail member as a giant shadow loomed over him.

He looked up and gulped.

Rumpelstiltskin's eyes widened at the sight of Taurus leaning over him with an axe, Erza summoned hundreds of swords, Natsu, Macao, and Romeo all had a fireball in their hands at the ready, Gray's hand glowed menacingly, Juvia seemed to have a tidal wave prepared, Cana's cards sizzled with magic, Elfman, Mirajane, and Lisanna transformed into their most terrifying forms, Freed held up his sword menacingly, Gajeel turned his arms into iron, Evergreen took her glasses off, Bickslow's babies giggled menacingly, a few others, most notably Jet, Max, Droy, Laki, and Kana, all cracked their knuckles ready to beat him to death, while the Master turned into a giant, Laxus summoned his lightning, and Alzack pointed his gun.

But none of that, no matter how scary it was, was anything compared to the terrifying sound of Bisca turning the safety off of her newly cleaned gun, and then aim it at his crotch.

"Do you want to repeat that?" she snarled. "Go on, I dare you."

"You know," Rumpelstiltskin giggled nervously, "on second thoughts, perhaps we could renegotiate. How about I take several barrels of your finest mead instead?"

"You want to take my babies instead?!" Cana shrieked. Her cards glow an angry red and she seemed to be literally on fire. "Oh it's on bitch!"

"Erm…" Rumpelstiltskin sweat-dropped and anxiously made his way towards the door, backwards, I'll just leave instead." He said loudly.

"Probably for the best," Laxus agreed, a bolt of electricity may or may not have escaped and shocked the imp into a squealing mess. "And don't come back or you'll regret it."

"Yes!"

And that was the last they saw of the loan shark imp. Never again would he come round to Fairy Tail in hopes of making a deal.

"You're very lucky Asuka-Chan," Bisca murmured as she tucked her child into bed at night, "You have a great big family that will do anything to protect you."

"Yes," Asuka agreed in a yawn, "Does that mean I'll get lots of presents for Christmas this year?"

Bisca chuckled. "Only if you're a very good girl," she said as she smoothed her daughter's hair out of her face.

"Oh," Asuka pouted in disappointment, "I think I'd rather not have any presents then. It's more fun being bad."

Bisca laughed and kissed her child firmly good night before having to comfort her weeping husband whose imagination had run away from him.

After all it wasn't like Asuka decided not get five piercings, several tattoos, and marry Gajeel or Laxus but in Alzack's head that was exactly what Asuka said.