Summary: Alternatively called Lucy's Week of Cock! Lucy learns it's not just Natsu who is unprofessional.

Pairings: Natsu/Lucy, Lucy/Cana friendship, Lucy/Levy friendship, implied one-sided Jet/Levy/Droy, Laxus/Thunder God tribe friendship, and many other friendship-y feels.

Author's Note: I am not kidding. These are real surnames, a few weeks ago I had to deal with all three customers in the same week. It was a miracle that I don't actually interact with them (it's all done via computer) or otherwise I would have probably lost my job for giggling.

After the whole Fluck/Fuck thing, Lucy decided it was best if she went on a job with someone other than Natsu and Happy (and Erza, Gray, Wendy, and Charle because somehow Natsu and Happy always wormed their way in on those missions). After all she was in desperate need of rent money and it was a very good way of teaching the pair of them a lesson judging by the puppy-eyed pouting expressions they shot her as she left the guild building this morning.

She had hoped if she went with someone with a better sense of professionalism then she would definitely get paid.

Unfortunately she picked the wrong person as Cana was definitely not professional. Her determination and hard work at Tenrou had blinded Lucy to the fact that Cana, as much as she was a lovely person and one of Lucy's dearest friends, was a drunk.

A lewd drunk at that.

And unfortunately, this new customer had a very unfortunate name.

"Hello," the smart young gentleman, who had wanted female mages to entertain at a business event, said politely, "I'm Mr Pincock and-"

"Pfft!" Cana snorted. "Oh God!" she added in a snicker at the astonished gentleman's face. "Does it live up to the name?" she asked suggestively.

Lucy groaned and sank to the ground in absolute horror. She knew where this was going immediately.

"I beg your pardon?" the gentleman blinked.

Cana smirked delightedly at that. "Is it as small as a pin?" she asked as she waggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"What?"

"Give us a look!"

And then, much to Lucy's horror (she will have nightmares of this later), Cana tried to take the Customer's trousers off so she could see if it really was small as a pin.

"WHAT?!"

It is needless to say they did not get to keep the job and they were soon pursued by some local authorities on charges of attempted rape.

This was not how Lucy wanted to spend her Tuesday.

FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT

The next day Lucy went on a job with Team Shadow Gear. Natsu watched her leave with an expression that suggested she had killed Happy (she will not give in, she will not give in, she will not give in….) while everyone else waved them off cheerfully. So far it went well, apart from Jet and Droy's consistent admiration of Levy which was enough to give anyone a headache (including Levy), and they were greeted by a nice elderly man who requested a mage to help him with his archive (right down Lucy's and Levy's street).

"Hello," the elderly man greeted them warmly. "I'm Mr Sincock and-"

Lucy cringed instantly, this poor, poor man having to grow up with a name like that, and she then inwardly muttered some curse words that would get her mouth washed with soap from Aquarius to the Gods. Why were they doing this?! Couldn't she just get a normal customer with a boring surname like Smith or Jones? Did she have to get all the dirty ones?

"Sincock?!" Jet repeated.

Droy stared at the old man with wide, falsely innocent, eyes. "Is it really sinful?" he asked childishly.

"Yeah," Jet jumped in, "have you corrupted lots of ladies with your love rod?"

Lucy instantly turned to Levy for help in reeling these morons in before they lost their job…only to find the petite girl cackling away as she clutched tightly to a nearby pole.

They lost that job as well.

FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT

"Why is Lucy here?"

The week was almost over and Lucy still hadn't paid her rent. In a desperate attempt for anything, she had begged Master to pair her with someone who would be responsible, professional, and not likely to laugh like little children if the Customer had a funny name.

His answer?

He grouped Lucy with Laxus and the Thunder God tribe.

It was Evergreen who asked the question but it looked like Freed and Bickslow were rather curious as well. "Gramps said either I take Lucy out on a job and get her rent paid or I can give Natsu the talk again," Laxus growled.

Lucy pulled a face. It was typical that Laxus had been virtually blackmailed into this (she didn't expect him to do it out of the goodness of his heart, he already had to split the reward money four ways) but giving Natsu the talk?! She really didn't want to know.

"Urgh," Freed shuddered, "the last time wasn't enough?"

"He's a fucking moron," Laxus grunted. "It probably didn't sink in the last time, and remember, he burnt all the diagrams before Gildarts finished explaining everything."

"He was only doing what we all wanted to do," Evergreen muttered, "there's just some things you don't talk about."

Lucy decided she really, really, didn't want to know.

"Why now of all times though?" Bickslow asked.

"Why? Why? Why?" his doll chanted in the background.

Laxus didn't reply. His eyes merely flickered to Lucy and suddenly the Thunder God Tribe's eyes all widened in realisation. "Oh!" they said in unison. "That's why."

Lucy gave in and was just about to ask what the hell was that supposed to mean when the train halted to a stop and instantly they got up and left. They walked towards the Mayor's office in silence (well, okay it was silence, Freed and Evergreen were loudly discussing how awe-inspiring Laxus' walk was but sadly that had long become background noise to Lucy) and as usual they made a dramatic entrance.

The Mayor, relieved that help was finally at hand, rushed towards them with a hand extended, "Hello," she said gratefully. "I'm Ms Abcock and-"

Much to Lucy's horror they all started to laugh. Bickslow started it, a small snort had escaped him, and then it turned to outright laughter with his 'babies' giggling like maniacs behind him. Evergreen had tried to restrain herself but her cold mask fell as she smothered her giggles behind her hands and Freed lost all dignity as he had to hold onto Bickslow to keep standing, he was laughing so hard.

Laxus snorted but other than that he managed to keep a straight face.

It was too late though, the Mayor knew they were laughing at her, and that was when Lucy hysterically joined in, tears rolling down her cheeks, as she knew she was going to lose this job too.

FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT

"See!" Natsu said smugly. "I'm not the only one!"

It was late evening and Lucy had returned to the guild exhausted, still penniless, and in great need of comforting. Natsu seemed a little too pleased that Lucy didn't enjoy herself and had taken to patting her back in a patronising manner.

"No," Lucy sighed, "you're not."

"So you're not going on any more jobs with other people," Natsu scrutinised her with a very intense look as he said this, "are you?" he pressed.

"No," Lucy sighed again. She was too busy mulling over whether or not she would be able to get an extension on her rent. Again. Probably not, her Landlady made it very clear she was fed up waiting for Lucy's money all the time. "I won't," she mumbled.

She can't believe there was no one professional left in this guild. Not even Laxus who was the most mature (to the point he was more of a grouchy old man than his own grandfather) member of the guild was professional! It seemed to be a lost cause now…

"Yosh!" Natsu pumped a fist in the air and then grabbed Lucy to hold against his chest. "Lucy's staying with us forever, Happy!"

"Aye Sir!" Happy cheered happily.

Lucy tried to struggle against him and she had opened her mouth to argue that just because she was still going to be on their team doesn't mean Natsu has the right to smother her with his half naked chest but was interrupted by Master who stormed out of his office and instantly transformed into his giant form.

"YOU STUPID BRATS!" he roared furiously. "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE COST US THIS WEEK?! NOT ONLY HAVE WE LOST SEVERAL JOBS BUT WE'RE NOW BEING SUED! HAVE NONE OF YOU EVER HEARD OF PROFESSIONALISM?!"

He then decided to show his displeasure about this week's past events in a very unprofessional manner of drowning his sorrows.

(After punching Natsu into the ground for laughing.)