January 17th, 2022
This is going to be the last time I let you people in the real world see one of my vlogs. The way I've been doing it, and the only way I know how to, is to have Izzy use her psychic abilities to convert it all into text and post it on your universe's internet. But she told me that's been taking way too much psychic energy, so she asked me to only show these to people in my universe from now on. I'll bet tons of you are disappointed by this news because you enjoyed my vlogs so much, so I'm sorry it has to end all of a sudden.
But look on the bright side. At least there's a chance we'll be going out with a bang. Let me explain.
Right now, I'm on my way to Izzy's daycare, where the Sid Invention Duel is being held. Lincoln came up with a way for us to go back in time and prevent me and The Purple Heart Pain from not liking each other so we can finally be friends! If one of the Sid Changs from another universe is showing off a time machine in this competition, which hopefully one of them is, we can use it to go back in time and ask Mrs. Puff not to make SpongeBob write an essay about what not to do at a stoplight. Yes, that'll make it so The Purple Heart Pain is and always has been my friend. I know that sounds like two things that couldn't possibly have anything to do with each other, but please just go with it.
I've made it to the daycare and The Purple Heart Pain is waiting for me at the front door. I can tell she can see that I'm here now because she just stood up and is waving while looking at me. I guess it's time to get yet another attempt to make up with her that'll inevitably fail epically started. Wish me luck.
"Hi, The Purple Heart Pain," I greet her. For those reading this, the tone of my voice made it clear I got more irritated with each word I had to say. I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I really doubt anything good is gonna come from this. Just think about it. I'm here with her instead of at home with my family. This is messed up.
"Sid, the old me would've said it makes no sense to say what we're trying to do will make it so we were always friends because that makes it sound like we would've been friends before we even met. The old me then would've called you something insulting in a sentence containing multiple uses of a certain word starting with F, but I'm nice now!" The Purple Heart Pain says to me after I've walked up to her. The nervous smile on her face tells me she actually wants to say the thing she says she won't but knows it would be wrong.
I appreciate what she's going for. I'll do it too. "And the old me would've gotten mad at you for breaking my fourth wall again, but I know now that I don't have to hate every single thing you do," I say, which makes me feel a lot better than the last thing I said to her did. "Thank you for trying to give us another chance," I add.
"You're welcome. And thank you too for the same thing," replies The Purple Heart Pain.
After we head inside, I discover that surprisingly a lot of Sids are able to fit their inventions in this small building at the same time. Between that and the fact there should be even more outside in the playground, our chances of one of them being a time machine are looking pretty good. Each of the other Sids seems to be accompanied by a Ronnie Anne, which could be taken as a sign that I am somehow the only version of myself in the entire multiverse who doesn't have one. I am a hundred percent PERFECTLY FINE WITH THAT! I'm even more perfectly fine with it than I would've been because I know that Izzy, who is way better than Ronnie Anne in every single possible way, is here. I've just gotta find her.
Another Sid just came up to us wearing a party hat and holding a bag full of 'em. I can tell it's the real Sid, the one you see when you watch The Casagrandes on Nickelodeon, because I can smell her blood from here. When you're the original version of a character, your blood sometimes has a very distinct aroma. You'd have to be a vampire like me to be able to smell it, but it's there.
"Before you got here, I told original you why we're here together, so don't be surprised if she doesn't bring it up," The Purple Heart Pain explains to me. That was a good call. Ronnie Anne and the original me know about what I've been through with The Purple Heart Pain, so Sid would be confused as heck when she saw the two of us standing side by side. I'll bet she still is anyway.
"Party hats?" Sid offers while holding the bag open for us.
"No thanks," answers The Purple Heart Pain. "I'd have to take my helmet off and I don't see a good place to put it anywhere," she adds.
"I'd take one, but then people might ask me why I didn't take off my headband and I don't wanna have to keep explaining that it's my life force," I answer.
I guess I haven't told the other Sid about that yet because she quickly says "What?" as soon as I'm done talking.
Since she's already asked, I'll explain it just this one time today. "Yeah, I've had it on since I was born and if it ever comes off, I start dying," I tell her. I wish I could remember if The Purple Heart Pain knew about that. And sorry for never telling you people in the real world. I've wanted to but I've just never gotten the opportunity.
"Whoa! Your universe keeps getting weirder and weirder the more I learn about it. I love it!" comments Sid. "So, anyway, where's that little buddy of yours?" she asks before I can thank her. "What's her name again? Lizzie? Or Icarus?" she continues.
"You mean Izzy?" I chime in.
"Izzy! That's right," Sid says even though I obviously already know that it's right. "I thought having someone you already like would help you stay in a good mood and that could give you a better chance at getting along with The Purple Heart Pain," she explains.
"Good idea," I respond.
"That's not very fair to me though," The Purple Heart Pain whines. "I can't ask anyone to join us too because everybody I like is too busy. Lincoln or Gwen would've been perfect because one is Izzy's brother and the other goes to school here with her, but they went to the surgery convention together. And I can't ask Bobby because he's trying to convince Lori to have dinner with him so they can maybe get back together," she explains even though nobody asked.
Luckily, she gets interrupted before she can tell us where anyone else is. "Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Can I try to guess why some of the people you know are busy?" the original me exclaims.
"You can if you chill," The Purple Heart Pain answers. "Being annoying by freaking out from excitement like that is how my distaste for Sids started way back when," she explains.
And, as much as I'd rather not, I have to own up to the fact that she's right. When I saw her for the first time ever, I instantly fell in love with her because I was a stupid idiot and gave her a hug when she wasn't looking because I assumed she would like it. I didn't talk to her first or anything. Like I said, I was an idiot. And I didn't stop being one for quite a while. Until she stopped keeping the fact she doesn't like me a secret, she seemed to be just as nice as Ronnie Anne is and it genuinely seemed to me like we were best friends. When I learned the truth, it felt like someone I cared about deeply had been erased from existence and taken over by a body snatcher, with no way to ever return. Looking back on it now, I wish I hadn't been such a blinded by love fool!
Sorry for getting so off-track there. It's just way more important to me than I wish it was. But let's stop thinking about the past and get back to the present. What are Sid's guesses for what the other people are doing? "Your other friends are all busy because Nikki is a spy, Casey is a hockey player, Sameer is a door-to-door insurance salesman, and Laird is the CEO of a bakery. Am I at all close?" she asks.
"You are so not close that you're gonna need a passport," answers The Purple Heart Pain. "I stopped being friends with Nikki, Casey, and Sameer a long time ago and the Y Universe doesn't even have a Laird," she corrects. I know that first part is true, but I really hope the second part is a lie. Whoa! There's something I'm not used to saying.
"Of course," the original me says with a sigh. "Why are you so bad at making friends?" she asks The Purple Heart Pain.
"I'm not. I just ended up with different people than the character I'm based on did and that's perfectly fine," The Purple Heart Pain responds.
Oh! Speaking of that, I just spotted my BFF. "Hey, look. I just found Izzy," I say while pointing at her. "She's over there, pogo-dancing with your best friend," I say to Sid.
Sid gasps and turns around super fast to look where I was pointing. "Pogo-dancing with your best friend?!" she shouts. She can now see what I saw, Izzy and Ronnie Anne hopping on pogo sticks over by the big green chair with a face on it.
Looks like Izzy knows she's been spotted. "Oh. The fake Sid you're somehow friends with is here. Guess it's time for me to go," she says to Ronnie Anne. After Izzy jumps off the pogo stick and teleports over to me, Sid picks it up and starts jumping on it.
"That's more like it," Ronnie Anne comments.
Once she's right in front of us, Izzy immediately lifts The Purple Heart Pain into the air with telekinesis. I guess The Purple Heart Pain is just used to us treating her this way at this point because it just makes her shrug and roll her eyes. "Sid, I think Lincoln's time travel idea is gonna work, but are you sure you wanna be friends with somebody so mean?" Izzy asks me.
It's time I told her something I should've told her a LOOOOOOOONG time ago. "If you're worried she's gonna replace you as my best friend, I want you to know that there's no way that could possibly happen. You're not gonna lose me. I'm sorry for not realizing it, but I think you were always my best friend and I just couldn't tell," I admit.
Hearing this makes Izzy cry a little. She then drops The Purple Heart Pain and runs up to me for a hug. I can't believe I used to think I had to match the original me. Just because her best friend isn't Izzy doesn't mean mine can't be.
Without saying anything, The Purple Heart Pain walks over to Ronnie Anne and the original me, who are still on those pogo sticks. I think she's gonna try to be nice to them because Izzy called her mean. We should pay attention to this. "Hi there. Hello," she greets. "I've seen almost every episode of your show, which makes it obvious that I'm a big fan and don't hate it at all. I just wanted to tell you that when I saw that new episode with Tony Hawk in it a few days ago, the part where you two dance on your skateboards together made me jealous. I so badly want my universe's Sid and I to have a friendship like yours that that scene made me need to immediately go hide in the closet so I could cry without my brother and sister seeing," she confesses. I think she's just full of it though. "I would've been jealous of your skills too, but I only hoverboard for personal pleasure and transportation. I don't give the tiniest care about doing tricks," she adds. That sounds more like her.
"Do you really mean all that, Purple Heart Pain?" asks Ronnie Anne.
"Don't call me that, but yes," she gets as an answer. "Just think about it. Each of you gave up the club you were interested in and gave the one you sucked at another try so you could spend more time with the other person even though you already spend plenty of time together. The fact you're that dedicated to each other is commendable," The Purple Heart Pain says. And she is so being fake! She thinks it's stupid, not commendable.
"Can we get started on the time machine thing now?" Izzy asks. We definitely should. If The Purple Heart Pain talks to Ronnie Anne and the original me for much longer, it's gonna get super bad really quickly.
After seeing what all the inventions here inside are, we learned we'll have to check outside too. Luckily, one of the Sids actually found a way to turn the daycare's sandbox into a time machine. Perfect! But that's ironic because the Sid who created the sandbox time machine says "It hasn't quite been perfected yet, so there's two big flaws with it you girls will have to keep in mind. First, no more than two people can use it at a time, so one of you will have to stay behind. More importantly, no matter what you do, do NOT make any wishes while it's sending you back to 2001. If you do, you'll be sent to an alternate reality where that wish has been granted. I realize that sounds like a good thing, but any wish can have unintended negative consequences and I don't know how to get you back here afterwards."
"Thank you for actually explaining why we shouldn't do it," The Purple Heart Pain says to him. "It's common in scenes like this one for characters to keep the reason a secret," she adds.
"You're welcome," Sid responds. "So, which two of you will be going and who's gonna stay here?" he asks.
"I can't go anyway because I'm allergic to time travel," says Izzy. She's never mentioned that allergy before, but it makes sense.
"Remember. Don't make any wishes!" Sid reminds us.
I sit in the sandbox and The Purple Heart Pain sits down beside me. After Sid turns the machine on, the sand starts to rise above us and form a dome. The layer of sand is so thick that it quickly gets dark in here. Between that and the fact the machine is making a lot of noise, The Purple Heart Pain starts to get scared. "I- I probably haven't earned the right to ask you this and I never thought I would, but- but- Could I- Can I- Can I hold your hand?" she asks.
It's officially come to that. Where was that desire for my affection when I needed it?! Even now, it's not real. She's totally only doing this to do damage control and boost her ego. This is all making me wish I was never born! NO, WAIT! NO!
The sounds stopped and I don't feel like I'm sitting on sand anymore. Instead, it feels like I'm in water. Now I'm the one who's scared. As a result, I shout "Where am I?!" at the top of my lungs.
"Sid? Is that you?" I somehow hear my mom ask. "I didn't know you could talk," she says for some reason. "Are you finally ready to come out?" she asks.
"I don't have any clue what you're talking about, but YES! Get me out of this, whatever it is!" I scream in response.
"It's about time! It only took 16 years!" exclaims my mom. "Izzy, put some clothes on her," she instructs.
The water goes away, I feel some weird sliding sensation, and now I'm suddenly in my mom's office at the zoo with her and Izzy. They're both staring at me as if they've never seen me before.
"Was that headband already on her or did you add it with your powers?" my mom asks.
"Wasn't me," answers Izzy.
"Looks like you won that bet with your father then," comments my mom.
I look down at my body and see that Izzy put me in my work uniform, but also a diaper. Gross. Also, weird and unneeded. "What in the name of Sonic the Hedgehog is going on here?!" I ask in the form of a shout.
My mom is the one to fill me in. "I've been pregnant with you since 2006. For some reason, you weren't done in there until just now. You must've really enjoyed it," she explains. Looks like that other Sid was right. I made a wish in the sandbox and it came true. He should really market it as a wishing machine instead.
"And I'm Izzy, your big sister," Izzy suddenly informs me.
"My sister?!" I shout out of shock.
"Yep," the person I'm apparently the younger sister of now answers. "When I first started working here, Mom and Dad adopted me because they were tired of waiting for you," she explains. Well, it's gonna be cool being related to her for a while until someone finds a way to get things back to normal. At least there's that.
But that's not what excites me most about this. It's very close, but I've got a heart pain to go see! Since she's now never seen me before, the closest thing she'd have as a frame of reference is the real Sid when she sees her on TV. Since Sid is Ronnie Anne's best friend, The Purple Heart Pain will be expecting me to be hers. And since this is just an alternate reality that'll soon be gone, I can be as mean to her as I want and receive zero repercussions! Let's see how she likes it when she's the one getting kneed in the tummy by someone she assumes likes her! Something tells me she's not gonna be too into it, to put it lightly.
Izzy must've read my mind because she just teleported me to the hallway right outside The Purple Heart Pain's apartment. And she must have a lot of work to do at the zoo because she didn't come with me.
The door's opening. I'll bet it's The Purple Heart Pain. It is! Let's go! This is gonna be so good! I bet she's about to say something hilarious and ironic! She says "I know you want to hug me, but please don't. I don't want one."
I- I- I don't understand. Why would she ever say that? How could she have known what happened when we met? She should be expecting me to stand behind her in a hot dog line and then ask if I could ride her board because that's what happened in Friended! with the Casagrandes. "I'm sorry, but I'm not here for a hug. I was gonna knee you in your tummy," I tell her.
"You were?" The Purple Heart Pain says in surprise. "Do you know about what we went through before the past got changed?" she asks. I'm not sure if that question makes me more or less confused.
"Let me start over," I say. "You and I hated each other but then we got in a sandbox time machine that also grants wishes and I wished I was never born in," I explain.
"Well, great! That means nothing's even been accomplished," whines The Purple Heart Pain. I'm completely lost at this point. "You're not the only one who made a wish in that sandbox. I guess you don't have to actually say 'I wish' for it to count because I was thinking about how great it would be if I could meet you for the first time all over again but still remember everything I've learned since then so I can know how to do it right this time," she clarifies.
"Well, I was only born just a minute ago, so that technically means you're meeting me," I state. "What's the right way to do it?" I ask.
"By saying this. It's nice to meet you, Sid. You seem nice. Since you're gonna be living here now, I guess I'll see-" The Purple Heart Pain responds before cutting herself off. "You know what? No. This is still wrong. You deserve better than this and I deserve worse, so just forget it," she exclaims before heading back into her apartment and slamming the door behind her.
I open that same door and step inside to find her laying on the couch with her face buried in a pillow. After I tap her on the shoulder, she lifts up her face and I discover that tears are shooting out of her eyes like a hose. "Whoa! You're really good at using fake tears," I comment.
"I'm not being fake, Sid! I'm actually crying," claims The Purple Heart Pain.
"What could you possibly have to cry about?" I ask before instantly regretting it. She's obviously upset about not knowing how to get out of this alternate world we've accidentally created.
Before I can get a chance to assure her we'll find a way back soon enough, she stands up and answers my question by saying "There is no way I can be redeemed after what I put you through. I have no idea how I ever thought lying to you, breaking your heart on your birthday, and constantly giving you both emotional and physical abuse was acceptable behavior. There is no justifying any of the horrible things I did to you. I let my anger get the best of me when I absolutely shouldn't have. Or maybe I was just trying to be funny. I really don't know. Whatever the reason, it wasn't okay and I should have thought about your feelings. With every fiber of my being, I am completely truly sorry."
I- I- I- I- I can't believe she just said that. "Ronnie Anne, is all that true?" I ask. Wait! What?! Did I just call her Ronnie Anne?!
"Yes, it's true," she replies. "The way I've treated you for the majority of the past two years makes me just as upset as it makes you. I feel we could've been friends by now if I had picked a good way to handle the issue, but I chose the worst possible one," she continues.
After a few seconds of the room being silent because I need a moment to take this all in, I say "I'm sorry too. I was entirely unaware you felt this way. I thought you wanted to do the time travel thing just because then you wouldn't have to deal with someone you don't like being in your life anymore. I didn't know you genuinely wanted my companionship," I tell her.
"And I'm also sorry for not telling you that. I assumed you already knew," she says to me.
"Well, if this is what you want, what do you say we forget about the past and just be friends already?" I ask.
Surprised and still with watery eyes, she asks me "So, you- You forgive me?" She then continues with "Because, I really don't wanna be mean to you anymore. I promise to be nice from now on like I know I can be."
"Thank you!" I exclaim. "That's all I ever wanted," I continue.
Ronnie Anne's frown turns into a smile and she says "Then let's do it! You wanna hoverboard over to Umbrellabucks with me and get some root beer spice lattes?"
That sounds really really good, especially since it'll be a good way for us to discuss possible ways to undo the wishes we made. Once we do, everything will go back to the way it was except for what just happened here. After calmly nodding my head up and down because I know it would annoy her if I did it excitedly, we head outside. The Purple- I mean, Ronnie Anne gets on her hoverboard and then tosses me a helmet. This is gonna be the first time she's ever let me ride it.
"So, are we cool now?" I ask while we zoom over the sidewalk really fast and I hold onto her for safety.
"I would very much like to be," answers Ronnie Anne. "You want to too, right?" she asks.
"I sure do," I answer.
I highly doubt we'll ever even come close to having as good of a friendship as our original counterparts do, but I'm honestly completely fine with that. I'm just glad that this is finally over. If this works out as well as it seems to be, we'll no longer have to avoid each other, or make people take sides, or feel bad for Lincoln because he's friends with each of us and nobody was sure if that made it weird or not. Thanks to this, life should be better for each of us from now on. I'm now optimistic about the future.
THE END