Summary: Inspired by a scene from How I Met Your Mother. Cana susses out that Natsu and Lucy are having marital problems.
Pairings: Natsu/Lucy, Natsu/Cana/Lucy friendship, parental Natsu/Nashi, parental Lucy/Nashi, Cana/Nashi friendship, some one-sided Loke/Lucy, Cana/Loke friendship, implied Cana/OC, and implied Loke/Many OCs.
YouTube Prompt: Natsu/Lucy video (and other couples like Happy/Charle, Mira/Laxus, Elfman/Evergreen, Gajeel/Levy, etc.) to 'Just the Girl' by The Click Five.
Cana knew it was a long shot going to Lucy for romantic help. After all, Lucy had it easier than anyone else when it came to her relationship, the near-tragedy with Zeref aside, all she ever had to do was crook her finger and Natsu would have married her on the spot. So it wasn't going to be a great help to ask Lucy advice on breaking up with someone when she never had to do it or worry about that sort of thing….
Still, she didn't think Lucy would be this useless.
"It's not like I like like him, well I do or I wouldn't be shagging him, but I just can't stand talking to him. He's so stupid, like Natsu but worse, but I don't hate him either," Cana explained her woes about her latest boyfriend, again. Not that she was sure Lucy was paying attention. Natsu was doing push ups right in front of them, shirtless, and Cana was almost certain she saw a little drool on Lucy's lops. "What do you think? Should I break up with him?"
"Yes," Loke said, he was, for reasons Cana will never understand, sitting cross legged on Natsu's back (as Natsu still did push ups) while enjoying a cup of tea. "If you don't love him? What's the point?"
"I'm not asking you! Mr I'm With a Different Girl Every Night." Cana glared at him. "I'm asking Lucy. Lucy what do you think?"
"I think you should be straight with him," Lucy said with her usual frankness, "you should sit him down, take his shirt off, tie him to the bed, and tell him that you're only interested in him for sex before then licking whipped cream off of his chest and then down his rock hard abs, before you finally meet with his-"
"Ooooooookay!" Cana interrupted, feeling greatly disturbed. "Am I talking to Lucy or Gemini?" she asked Loke.
"Gemini has a mind like a child," Loke said equally uncomfortable. "That's Lucy."
"Two hundred and thirty three, two hundred and thirty four, two hundred and thirty five," Natsu puffed as he continued to do push ups, "C'mon Loke! Can't you gain some weight? I need a challenge! I have to be stronger if I'm finally going to beat Gray, Erza, and Laxus all at the same time."
"I'm not gaining weight just so you can be a muscle head!" Loke huffed. "I need to keep my looks or how else will have sex every night with fantastically gorgeous – ARGH!" Natsu suddenly shoved Loke off of him and sent the lion spirit flying into a nearby wall. "What the hell?!"
"Luce, summon Taurus so I can actually have someone useful!" Natsu barked. "Loke's being a dead weight!"
"A dead weight?!"
"Ooh, who are you seeing tonight?" Lucy asked completely oblivious to Loke and Natsu glaring at one another. "Is it Nadia? Nadia is naughty. Will you be having another three way with her roommate?"
"Okay," Cana shook her head, "I now know what the problem is."
Lucy blinked. "Problem?"
"What problem?" Natsu asked.
"I thought Gray and the others were exaggerating when they said you two had gone bananas but obviously not," Cana flipped her hair back and then pointed at her friends. "When was the last time you two had sex?"
"WHAT?!"
Natsu and Lucy flushed bright pink while Loke burst out laughing. "Oho!" he said gleefully. "Now it makes sense. Is Natsu no longer a satisfying lover, Lucy? I did warn you, well," he pushed his sunglasses up, "if you ever need some extra fun I am always at your beck and call, baby."
Cana face-palmed as Natsu lunged to kill Loke, Lucy, however, put a stop to it before anything could happen by shoving Natsu back with one hand, and pulling out Loke's key with the other. "Back to the Spirit World!" she snapped as she waved the key. Loke vanished protesting loudly. "Honestly," Lucy grumbled, "he's incorrigible! But in a rather sexy way that makes you want to-"
"Lucy!"
Lucy blinked, blushed faintly, and smiled sheepishly at Cana. "Do you want to date Loke instead of what his name?" she offered. "I'm sure you two would-"
"Oh no," Cana interrupted, wrinkling her nose in disgust (her and Loke would only ever be just friends). "You are not going to live vicariously through me. Now tell me, when was the last time you two had sex?"
Lucy shifted uncomfortably. "I don't know what you're talking about," she lied.
"Oh please, I'm your best friend-"
"Actually, I think Levy is-"
"I'm your best friend!" Cana said loudly over Lucy. "I know you better than anybody. Last time Natsu went psycho about getting fit like this and you started writing, because let's face it before you married, gave birth, and taken to breast feeding you were never this vocal, smutty things, you two were deep in denial about your feelings and were severely sexually frustrated. I should know you were driving me bonkers with your sexual tension. And everyone else. You know half the guys took up wanking as a hobby, right?"
"Ew," Lucy grimaced, "I could have lived without ever knowing that."
"Trust me, sweetie," Cana sighed, "we all could. Now tell me, last time you had sex, now."
"…five months."
"Five months?!" Cana choked. "Five months! How?!"
"It's not our fault!" Lucy snapped irritably. "After giving birth you have to wait awhile. You know tearing and all that downstairs."
"Never having kids," Cana swore.
"So we had to wait like Wendy said," Natsu continued, "and then we were too tired because Nashi was keeping us up all night, and then recently the weirdest thing started to happen. Lucy's fault, she gave our baby her weirdness."
"My fault?!" Lucy shrieked. "You're the awkward one that ruins tender moments! She got it from you!"
"Okay," Cana held a hand up as Natsu opened his mouth to argue, "Your baby is weird, stubborn, and awkward, probably because you're both weird, stubborn, and awkward people. So what weird thing is she doing?"
"Watch," Natsu said, he sidled up close to Lucy, and just as he dropped his arm round her shoulders, the baby upstairs started to cry.
"I'll go get her," Lucy sighed as she stepped away from Natsu and went upstairs.
Cana's eyes widened. "Every single time?"
"Every single time!"
"That's fucking awesome," Cana sniggered, "Your baby is cock-blocking you! Gray would love-"
"Don't you dare tell him!"
Cana would have taunted Natsu more about this, because it was so fucking hilarious, but Lucy came back down with the baby, and Cana took one look at her frustrated, tired, friends, and thought how much more useful they would be to her if they were actually coherent, not sexually frustrated or sleepy, people.
"All right, give her to me."
"What?"
"You guys need some alone time, right?" Cana arched an eyebrow. "Well give me your kid, I'll take her for a walk in the park or something, and you two can get in on in peace."
"Cana," Lucy sighed, "it doesn't work like that. We can't just turn it on."
"Hey, alone time is alone time, play card games if you want, I'm offering you peace and quiet, for free."
It really didn't take that much convincing and before Cana knew it, she had Nashi in her arms, blinking her big brown eyes innocently at Cana (Cana didn't believe it for a second, if she can play this ultimate prank on her parents, then she must be evil), and was on her way towards Magnolia when it occurred to her she had no clue what to do with a baby.
"Damn," she muttered, "It's a shame you're too young for jaeger bombs. I could so be your cool Aunt Cana that gives you jaeger bombs….." Nashi blinked again and Cana grimaced as she caught whiff of something disgusting, "Well you're definitely not too young for stink bombs are you, young lady? I suppose we shall get you cleaned up…..oh crap."
It was then when Cana realised she was so hasty to give Natsu and Lucy some alone time that she had forgotten to take the nappy bag, and was now empty handed in dealing with her new crisis.
"Hmmm….it's only been a couple minutes," she said more to herself than anything, "and Lucy did say she can't just turn it on. If we quickly pop in and grab the bag, we won't be that much of a bother."
Nashi blinked in agreement.
"Then, we're agreed!" Cana chirped. "Grab your bag, go, and then deal with the stink bomb."
It took all of thirty seconds to rush back down the path to Natsu and Lucy's house, the door was always unlocked, so Cana had no problems opening it. "Only me," she called out, "I just need to – holy crap that was fast!"
Already done with their first round, apparently, Natsu and Lucy were canoodling on the floor, naked, with only the patchwork quilt from the sofa for cover.
Cana quickly covered Nashi's eyes and stepped back out into the front garden.
"You know," she said to Nashi, "I don't know about you but I think we can wait till we go to Aunt Juvia's and Uncle Gray's, they bound to have nappies there. After all Aunt Juvia is about to pop. Wanna steal baby Fullbuster's nappies? Be Daddy's little girl? Hmm?"
It might have been the Irish coffee Cana had drunk earlier but she could have sworn the baby smirked at that.