Chapter 23: The Lockhart Experience

"Seriously," Ron started nearby as both Hufflepuffs and Grffindors waited for their first class to start, which was Herbology this year. "What is with all of these girls? They're already going crazy about Lockhart and we haven't even started school yet. Well… We're about too, but you know what I mean," he complained to Neville.

"I guess?" Neville started unsure. He hadn't really been paying attention. He was nervous the first day back. He constantly worried what would happen his first day that would embarrass him at the start of the year. Something always happened like that to him, even if this was just his second year.

"Lavender's been constantly carrying on about his articles in that Teen Witch magazine she seems to worship. So many of them were all sighing and being dreamy last night in the common room and again this morning," Ron grumbled.

"I hear ya," Seamus started. "Bloody crazy, I tell ya. We know nothing of value about him. He could be a complete fraud for all we know. Damn annoying how so many girls are all starry eyed about him already. It was crazy when he introduced himself," the Irish boy complained. The truth was he was a bit jealous Lockhart got so much attention from all of the girls. That didn't mean what he said wasn't true though.

"Good Morning everyone," Professor Sprout started with a big smile as she placed down a box filled with ear muffs. Ron and Seamus stopped complaining, but gave each other nods showing their agreement that girls were just mental.

"This year we have a long-term project we will be going over, along with our usual lessons. I'm most excited to have a batch of mandrakes this year. Be warned though. They are dangerous," she started.

"We will start off by repotting some. Now before we get started, who can tell me something about mandrakes?" she asked the class.

Hermione's hand immediately shot up. "Miss Granger?" Professor Sprout called with a fond smile.

"Mandrakes have powerful restorative properties. They are often used to reverse transfigurations or those who have been cursed. They're also used in many antidotes. They're dangerous because their cries are fatal to all who hear it," Hermione answered easily.

"Excellent! Ten points to Hufflepuff!" Professor Sprout said with a smile.

"The mandrakes we are working with are currently only seedlings, so their cries won't kill you," the professor said.

Several students sighed in relief.

"But it will land you in the Hospital Wing for a couple of days at least," she added.

The students no longer felt relieved.

"Now then everyone, four to a tray and all of you make sure to grab a set of ear muffs. They will protect you from the mandrakes' cries," she finished.

The students quickly got into groups and many of them quickly grabbed a set of ear muffs. They didn't want to end up with the fuzzy pink ones. When it was Hannah's turn pick a pair, she gave a shrug and grabbed the pink fuzzy ones. They reminded her of one of Tonks' favorite hair colors.

The students were soon ready to start and Professor Sprout seemed almost a little disappointed she didn't end up with pink fuzzy ear muffs. "When I give you the signal, put on your ear muffs. Pull out the mandrake by the base right above the soil of their current pots. Be careful, they can put up a fuss. Then you will put them in the new pot and bury them with the provided soil," she instructed.

She counted down to three and they all got started.

Even with the ear muffs, everyone could still hear the mandrakes' terrible cries. The mandrake Harry first pulled out looked like the ugliest baby he had ever seen. He involuntarily gave it a grimace.

Surprisingly, the mandrake made a face back at him. Harry was intrigued and made another face at it. The mandrake seemed to chuckle like a baby would at someone giving it funny faces. Harry gave it a smile before placing it in the new pot and burying it in new soil.

After that, Harry did the same thing with the other mandrakes he had to repot. Hermione, Hannah, and Susan were very intrigued by this. They tried their luck with their own mandrakes. It seemed to work really well. Soon instead of terrible cries, their mandrakes gave laughs that might be annoying, but much preferred to the alternative. No one else seemed to notice what they were doing though.

Once the class came to an end, they removed their ear muffs and Professor Sprout gave a bright smile. "Well done, you four! What made you think to try that?" she asked them. The class was paying attention now.

The girls looked to Harry. "I made a grimace at my first one and it laughed. I tried it with the others after that. I was thinking of how babies like it when you make silly faces at them. It seemed to work and Hermione, Hannah and Susan tried it as well," Harry explained.

"Excellent thinking, Harry. That is a method I have heard of before, but usually people just quickly repot them to get it over with. It will be interesting to see if this has any effect on the ones you all repotted," Professor Sprout said.

She waved her wand and the pots from their tray were given special markers for further study. "Take ten points for Hufflepuff. For your unique approach," she said.

"Very well class. You are all dismissed for the day. Read the section in your books about Mandrakes and write ten inches about them for your assignment. And Mr. Weasley… I remind you, purposefully writing large does not count," she said.

Ron turned red and left quickly as the other Gryffindors laughed at him. Ron always tried some trick like that thinking it would make his assignments easier. It sometimes worked, but most of the time it didn't. He was barely above the bottom of their year as a result, even if he was still passing.

[-] [-] [-]

As they walked the halls, Harry gave a sigh. "We have Lockhart next," he said with a frown. The man already tried to approach Harry a couple of times that morning, but the girls didn't let him get near the fellow Hufflepuff. None of them were looking forward to his class. Hermione, Hannah, and Susan were probably the only girls not excited about him.

Hermione didn't get the other girls. She could understand crushing on Lockhart, since she realized she probably would have as well. However, Harry was so much better. Other guys were as well.

Cedric was very much the charmer and handsome to boot. Some of the Ravenclaws had a very dignified scholar appeal to them and weren't on the bad looking side either. Harry was still the best in her mind and part of her was secretly glad the other girls were foolishly crushing on Lockhart instead. Things really were complicated in her mind.

Hermione was disappointed more girls weren't crushing on her superior choice. At the same time, she was glad not to have the competition. Hermione knew and understood a lot of things. Feelings and crushes weren't a part of those subject though.

When the group entered the DADA classroom, they were all staring in awe. The room was covered from wall to wall in pictures of Lockhart. All of them were giving that cheesy smile of his, which girls still seemed to fall for. Some of them were even winking and waving at different students. Add to that their books all had Lockhart on the cover as well, and he literally was everywhere in the room.

As they sat down, Harry shook his head. "If you looked up narcissism in the dictionary, I bet you would see a picture of Lockhart," Harry said causing Hermione and Hannah to giggle.

Susan was too busy staring in disbelief at their new professor's choice of décor. This wasn't even his office. It was the classroom. This took vanity to a new level. She was shocked when she heard a girl nearby give a dreamy sigh as she smiled at the pictures in return.

The doors soon opened and Lockhart marched inside smiling widely as he stood at the front of the classroom. He gave a goodhearted chuckle and picked up one of Neville's books. "Me," he said with a chuckle as he pointed at his own portrait on the cover.

Susan blinked in disbelief. She couldn't believe she had ever entertained the idea of crushing on him.

The Professor continued. "Gilderoy Lockhart. Order of Merlin, Third Class. Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League. Five time. Five time… winner of Witch Weekly's Most-Charming Smile Award. But I don't talk about that…" He gave Parvati a wink as he added, "Too much at least."

Parvati giggled and smiled at him brightly.

"I didn't get rid of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her. Though I'm pretty sure such a method would work on any Succubus," he said with a chuckle. Most of the girls in the classroom giggled at his poor attempt of a joke.

Susan stared at him with her mouth open in disbelief. Hermione raised an eyebrow at him. Hannah shook her head. Harry was surprised he would joke about such a thing in front of second years and he was further surprised every girl wasn't angry at him for such a joke.

"Now then. In all seriousness. The Dark Arts are no laughing matter. In this class, I will prepare you to face against the worst and darkest the wizarding world has to offer. It is for this reason I decided to take this post, despite everything else I could be doing over the course of the year. There is no greater calling for those of us who are so experienced, than to teach our young and prepare them for the future," Professor Lockhart said.

Harry wondered if maybe he was wrong about Lockhart. The guy was definitely vain to a level unheard of and would make even the leader of a Hair Metal band seem humble by comparison. He still might actually be a half way decent DADA Professor after all.

"But first! A little quiz. Nothing to worry about. I just want to see how much you've already learned from my books. I need to get an idea where the class stands," he said.

Once the quizzes appeared facedown on everyone's desk, Lockhart said, "You have thirty minutes startinggggg… Now!"

Harry turned over his quiz and that brief moment of thinking Lockhart might be a halfway decent professor quickly died. It was then raised from the dead; burned and killed again before being buried at least 30 feet below the surface. Next, a large imposing tomb was placed on top of it with at least 50 magical locks on the first of twenty gates. Each gate had an increasing numbers locks applied to it. That was before you even entered the first part of the tomb.

The questions were that ridiculous.

What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite color?

What is Gilderoy Lockhart's secret ambition?

What, in your opinion, is Gilderoy Lockhart's greatest achievement to date?

What does Gilderoy Lockhart enjoy doing each seventh moon just before sunrise?

The questions continued... There were 54 of them in total. The last one was:

What is Gilderoy Lockhart's favorite introductory phrase to say every third public appearance he makes?

Harry looked up in disbelief. Some girls were scribbling away frantically. Ron banged his head on the desk a fifth time in a row. Neville watched in concern for his fellow lion's health. Seamus was obviously doodling something that was probably very inappropriate on the quiz. Knowing Seamus, it was probably phallic or resembled a girls' boobs.

Harry looked next to him to see a flabbergasted Hermione sitting there. "What is it?" he whispered to her.

Hermione blinked. "I'm not sure which I find more destressing…" she whispered in worry. "Is it the fact I actually know the answers to these questions? Or that I'm seriously considering purposefully throwing a quiz for the first time ever? Maybe it's the fact I'm thinking about leaving it completely blank."

Harry wanted to laugh at her destress, but knew that would be bad. He instead placed a hand on her and gave her a smile. "It is just a quiz that doesn't even count. He said so himself. No one will judge you, or doubt you're the brightest witch of our age, if don't take it seriously. Don't worry about it. I know you aren't about to let ignoring or throwing assignments become a habit," he said to her in comfort.

Hermione felt relieved hearing that and placed her own hand on his and squeezed it to show her thanks.

[-] [-] [-]

"Tut Tut… I'm a little disappointed. Many of you need to brush up on your reading. How could you not know The Flying Shindig Wands are my favorite folk wizard band? I clearly say it in chapter 7 on page 120 of my recent best seller for the tenth week in a row, Magical Me," Lockhart said.

"That's not even an assigned book!" someone shouted from the back of the classroom.

Lockhart promptly ignored that person and gave a friendly chuckle. "We have a lot to learn it seems. Today I have a particularly exciting lesson planned," he said.

Lockhart waved his wand and a covered birdcage appeared on his desk. "As I said before, I will be showing you any number of the worst horrors the wizarding world has to offer. Sometimes… you don't even realize what truly is scary in this world until you face it. Sometimes the most overlooked and insignificant thing can be the hardest to deal with," he said in a manner that easily set the mood.

Lockhart tapped the covered cage with his wand. It started to shake where it was and it sounded like some things were pelting the cover trying to tear through it. "Yes… there are dangers of all sizes in this world," he said.

Some of the people closest to the front looked a little worried and were focusing on what he was saying despite everything. They didn't like whatever it was that was under that cover.

"Behold! The Blue Terrors of Cornwall!" Professor Lockhart said as he dramatically removed the cover to the cage with a wave of his wand.

The creatures inside it were electric blue with large black eyes. They had mischievous looks and grinned showing off their white needle like teeth.

Seamus let out a loud laugh. It was as far from a scream of terror as you could get.

"Yes, Mr. Finnigan?" Lockhart asked with an amused smile.

"Well… They aren't that dangerous, now are they?" he answered.

"Be careful, Mr. Finnigan… These creatures are not to be trifled with. They abducted and drove Dymphna Furmage crazy to the point she went on a campaign of destruction, trying to drive them to extinction. She might have even succeeded, if she wasn't mortally afraid of them," Lockhart said.

Seamus looked like he didn't believe Lockhart for a minute.

"It seems we have some doubters in our presence. Let's see what you all make of them!" Lockhart said before tapping the cage again, causing the door to open.

Pure pandemonium followed.

The pixies let out shrill sounds that might have been laughs as they darted around the room. They picked up erasers filled with chalk and threw them at each other before then targeting students. One of them acquired an inkwell and plunked it down on another's head while giving a shrill laugh and tapping the outside with its long tiny fingers. Two of them picked up Neville by his ears and tied him to a ceiling fan with his cloak.

Another let out a terrible laugh and darted under Lavender's robes. When it reappeared, it held a pair of pink and white striped panties. It took what seemed like a deep sniff of them and threw the article of clothing at an unsuspecting Justin. Lavender let out a cry of embarrassment.

A different pixie appeared with a pair of old boxers and gave an evil grin while holding them menacingly. Several students quickly hid under their desks hoping to not be its target.

Justin was staring in dumbfounded awe while holding Lavender's panties. She quickly grabbed them from his hands and the two ducked under his desk just as the boxers flew their way. She was blushing red and put her panties back on while Justin kept watch for errant inkwells, erasers, quills, books, shredded parchment rolls and a surprisingly mature bra for the girls in their year.

Lockhart was sitting at his desk blinking in shock. He then straightened up and said, "Come now. They're just pixies, as Mr. Finnigan told us. You just need a simple spell to round them all up."

Professor Lockhart rolled up his sleeves and dramatically brandished his wand. He gave it four waves and said, "Peskipiksi Pesternomi!" Only Lockhart was surprised when his spell had no effect, most of the class was otherwise too occupied to notice his failure.

Hermione was blushing up a storm from next to Harry. He was too busy keeping an eye on the pests to notice her red cheeks. She shifted uncomfortably where she was next to him. She couldn't believe what just happened. She didn't even notice as a pixie stole her bra and started throwing it around the classroom. She was too embarrassed to say or do anything about it at the moment.

She took some solace in the fact no one seemed to realize it was her bra and the pixies seemed to love stealing undergarments from both guys and girls. There was currently a pair of tighty whiteys sailing through the air. Three pixies were playing keep away with them. Another bra was hanging from Neville's left ear and Ron was desperately trying to get a pair of boxers off his head as two pixies laughed and held them down around him.

When the students saw Lockhart's wand fly out the window, they realized all was lost. The bell then rang and the students scrambled to the exit. Lockhart reached the classroom doors and shut them as he said to Hermione, Harry, Hannah, and Susan, "Well then… I'll let you four handle things from here!"

They were flabbergasted for a moment. Then Hermione's bra hit Harry in the face. Hermione was mortified and now angry. "Immobulus!" she shouted freezing all of the pixies in place.

Harry scrambled to remove the bra from his face. He had no idea who's it was. He was pretty sure they wouldn't want his face trapped inside it though. He looked around and cheered, "Way to go, Hermione!"

Hermione blushed as she quickly grabbed her bra and hid it away. She felt happy Harry was praising her and glad he didn't realize she owned what had just been on his face.

"Can we use a freezing curse on them now? I wouldn't mind if we used Incendio instead…" Hannah said dangerously. She was another victim of the pixies' prank. It was her bra hanging from Neville's ear. Thankfully, it was only her and Susan who knew this.

"Let's just get them back in the cage. Lockhart might force us to pay for damages if we accidentally hit one of his portraits," Harry said.

[-] [-] [-]

It fortunately didn't take them long to round up the pixies thanks to Hermione's spell. They weren't sure what to do about Neville though. He had Hannah's bra on his left ear and a pair of stained undies on the right side of his head. "Can you please get me down?" he begged them.

"We aren't sure how," Harry admitted. Susan used a levitation charm on Hannah's bra and discreetly passed it to her friend. The girls then grimaced at the stained underwear. Harry sighed and levitated them off. It was silly to be so grossed out by them. Disgusting as they were, it wasn't like any of them would actually touch the underwear.

"One of us can use magic to unhook his cloak and the others can use cushioning charms below him," Hermione suggested. Now that she had her own very private article of clothing back and no one seemed any the wiser, she was focused again.

"Can you believe him?" Neville said with a sigh as he got up from the ground. Hermione's solution was the best answer they had and it worked well.

"No. I can't," Harry said. He then grinned and said, "I think I know the answer to question number three on his quiz though."

"What is his greatest achievement to date?" Hermione asked with a puzzled look.

"Yep. It really takes talent of a certain sort to be so soundly defeated by pixies, especially when you're the Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. And to think he has all of those titles," Harry said.

"Maybe he should have tried smiling at them," Susan added.

The group gave a much-needed laugh to that as they walked to lunch together.

[-] [-] [-]

Thankfully the rest of the school day was nowhere near as chaotic as Lockhart's first class. The news of the disastrous lesson quickly made the rounds. Most of the girls still defended Professor Lockhart. A few were relieved everything was so crazy no one knew whose underwear was all stolen by the pixies. Justin seemed to have a dazed look the rest of the day and Lavender blushed as she stole glances at him during their shared breaks.

"Are you okay, Justin?" Ernie asked when they were in the hallway outside after supper. He hadn't seen what happened to Justin in the class. He was too busy getting ready to dive out of the way of flying objects if needed.

"I think I got a taste of heaven…" Justin said in a faraway voice.

"Okay…" Ernie said in worry for his friend. He had no idea what his friend was carrying on about. He was wondering if maybe the pixies did something to him and they needed to visit Madam Pomfrey.

Lavender happened to be nearby at that moment and blushed before hurrying back to her dorm. She was both embarrassed and kind of happy to hear Justin say that. She knew he was talking about her. He wasn't too bad looking and seemed dignified from the right angle, once she thought about it. He was friendly and outgoing as well.

Lavender's thoughts were of Justin all the way to her room. Her brain shifted gears quickly once Parvati pulled out their favorite fashion magazine though. They had important things to discuss about the latest showing of dress robes for teen witches.

[-] [-] [-]

"They're even more insufferable…" Ron grumbled as he made his way to breakfast the day after DADA.

"I agree," Seamus said.

Neville shook his head. "Even I don't see how so many of the girls can defend him after what happened yesterday," he added.

"It is amazing to what lengths girls will go to defend their crushes sometimes," Harry said.

"I'm a girl and I agree it is ridiculous. That class was an embarrassing mess. He is such a fraud! Peskipiksi Pesternomi? Really… did he just make up words and expect them to work? It takes a lot of study and practice to craft a new spell," Hermione said with a frown as Hannah and Susan both nodded in agreement.

It didn't matter that Hermione understood these girls' actions. There probably wasn't much she wouldn't do for Harry. It was so disappointing how they were doing all this for Lockhart of all people.

"Why is it only you three aren't crushing on Lockhart?" Ron complained as they went to their own tables.

Hannah wasn't too bad looking, but Hermione's hair was a mess and she was too brainy. Susan's aunt was the Head of DMLE. The three were in Hufflepuff as well. They didn't count, especially because they weren't in Gryffindor. He wished Lavender and/or Parvati weren't impressed with Lockhart like these three.

Harry sighed as he and the girls sat down. "It seems once again DADA will be useless. I hate how the class that should be the most important is always a mess," he said in disappointment.

"I wouldn't mind that so much, but even the books are useless this year. Unless you care about Lockhart's love of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey," Hermione said with a huff. After having realized the truth about Lockhart, she was starting to really hate him.

"This. This is why my aunt complains so much about education at Hogwarts sometimes," Susan said with a shake of her head. "She's actually tried to encourage a few retired Aurors to sign up as DADA professors a few times, but they always see teaching a bunch of children as nothing but a hassle."

Their conversation was then interrupted by the morning Owl Post. All four of them received letters identically sealed in similar envelopes. Hannah opened her letter first and grinned as she saw the writing inside. "They're from Tonks!" she eagerly told the others. They quickly opened their own letters to read them.

My cute and dear Firsties (I guess I can't say that since you are all in your second year now) I'm happy to say I made it through the first round of testing!

I really appreciate all of the support you four gave me and I am sorry I was never able to give any of you proper replies. I still won't be able to do that. For better or worse, my next couple of years will be even tougher than this last summer was. I'm glad I made it and I'm eager to learn all about being an Auror. If nothing else, I will at least finally get proper defense lessons.

Until the middle of next spring, I will be having Auror classes. Classes won't end there, but after that we also have a mentor from either currently active or recently retired Aurors. The winter after that we start shadowing Aurors while they go on missions and working their day at the office. It will be very tough but interesting these next years. I will still write you all when I can.

Yours Truly,

Tonks (Future expert Auror and former best RA Ever)

The Hufflepuffs smiled to that. They were happy their RA was achieving her dreams. "We'll just have to again study DADA on our own. There's bound to be some good books in the library. Maybe I can order some for us through Owl Post," Harry said.

"Are you sure about that?" Hannah asked. She gave a frown and added, "That might get expensive…"

Harry grinned to that and leaned in closer. He motioned for them to do the same. "I actually spoke to the goblin in charge of my family accounts. I can afford it. So long as they aren't over 1000 galleons in one order," he said.

Hannah and Susan both looked to him in surprise.

Hermione sighed. "You might as well tell them rest as well now," she said to him.

Harry looked to them and nodded. Fortunately, they were alone at their end of the table. "I also found out I have to continue not one but two, and possibly three, bloodlines," he said with a sigh at the admission.

"Wow…" the two girls said together in awe.

"I'll tell you more when we're alone tonight," Harry said.

[-] [-] [-]

Hannah and Susan were both sitting on a couch in shock. "You already knew about this?" Susan asked Hermione.

"I met Harry in Diagon Alley the same day he found out about that. I didn't have anything going on that day, so I took the Knight Bus to meet him there," Hermione said.

"You are the heir to both the Potter and Peverell lines?!" Hannah asked. It was her third time asking that since Harry finished explaining it to them.

"And possibly the heir to the Blacks as well. I could ask my aunt to start looking into Sirius' file. If he really was your Godfather and took that ritual… There is no way he could have betrayed your family," Susan said.

Harry shook his head. "Not yet. Goldbite is looking into things the best Gringotts can. Once he has more information on that, then we can decide if we get your aunt involved. I don't want her to accidentally endanger her position by looking into this. I get a feeling it is important she keeps her position, and not just because she is a department head," Harry said.

"Okay… I still wish there was more we could do… To think, you could have had or even lived with a Godfather this whole time," Susan said.

Harry frowned in thought to that. He had thought about that situation as well. He now had a clear answer to it though.

"I don't like the idea of him possibly being innocent and in prison at all. But honestly… I wouldn't want to have been raised any other way. It sounds terrible, but I believe my being a Street Knight is better than anything else that could have been. I've learned a lot and I've been surrounded by people, family, who care about me," he said.

"It is your life. What you think about it matters the most," Hermione said in support of him.

"You might actually have to marry three wives?!" Hannah asked.

She was still hung up on that part of it all. She gave a look to Hermione. Hermione wondered what she meant with that look. She would ask Hannah about it another time in private.

"The third is only a possibility. But I will have to have two. I explained this to Hermione, but the wizarding world doesn't want Potter-Peverells. They want Potters and Peverells. I figured you would know this," Harry said.

"I'm just shocked…" Hannah said.

"Aren't we all," Susan said. It was the truth, even if Hermione and Harry already had come to accept it. With those words, the group was mostly quiet the rest of the night before finally going to bed.