I regretted a lot as I woke up the next morning after Riley's funeral. The biggest regret right now was the bottle of bourbon I'd shared with Natasha.
My head felt like it was going to crack open from the throbbing headache. I groaned and rolled over onto my side. Instantly I got a mouthful of hair and I cracked my eyes open while I spat out the hair. Natasha was curled up next to me, on her side with her back facing me. I grumbled and pushed aside her hair and curled up into her back, draping my arm over her waist. We were in my bed in Jared's spare room. I don't really remember how or when we got back here last night after the wake.
"Hows your head?" Natasha murmured sleepily as I settled in behind her.
"I think I want to cut it off," I groaned. "I hate bourbon."
"You and me both," Natasha's hand came onto my arm and she gave it a gentle squeeze. "There's water and aspirin on the bedside table if you want it."
I grunted in response and just kept my eyes closed. I did want it. But there was whole issue of it being all the way over there. Just out of my fingertip reach. I just couldn't be bothered to move to actually get it. I actually couldn't be bothered to move at all. After the emotional wreckage of yesterday, it was strangely comfortable and peaceful laying here with Natasha. Headache and nausea aside that is. It wasn't hard to fall back asleep.
The next time I woke up Natasha and I had changed places. She was spooning me this time. I could feel the steady breathing of her still asleep tickling the back of my neck. This time I really, really needed the aspirin and water. Otherwise my head was going to pound so hard it'd fall off by itself. I scooted over to the edge of the bed and grabbed the promised aspirin and bottle of water. Groaning I untangled myself from Natasha as I greedily chugged the water down with a handful of aspirin. My phone was sitting there as well, the screen lit up as a text came through. I grabbed it, squinting at the light shining in my face. It was later than I realised. 1022. The text was from Evans.
We have a tradition of brunch at my place after a funeral. Get your ass over here Kari otherwise I'm sending Nick and Sam to drag you here.
I squinted at the screen in confusion. If Evans hadn't of said my name I would have thought that message was definitely not for me. I dragged myself out of bed without Natasha stirring. I don't know why, but she always slept like the dead whenever I was around. There'd been a few times I even heard her snore. She looked so peaceful in her sleep. The way she acted sometimes it was hard to believe there was only 5 months age difference between us. Natasha acted like someone much older. From everything she'd been through and done, it wasn't hard to realise why.
I knew Evans would make good with his threat if I didn't get over there ASAP. My headache started to slowly subside as the aspirin started to kick in. By the time I'd gotten dressed and been to the bathroom I wasn't feeling as terrible as I was before. I went to the kitchen and went to grab my bike keys out of the bowl I always threw them in. The bowl was empty. Which also meant Jared's keys were missing. Along with Mom's car keys.
"Fuck it all to hell," I grumbled as I began to quickly search around the still quiet apartment. Jared wasn't on the couch. A quick inspection revelled that Mom and Dad were still asleep in his bedroom. A very unusual occurrence for them, unless of course they'd joined in the drinking last night. I didn't remember a lot beyond having those first 2 shots of bourbon as a toast to Riley. However I did find the keys to Mom's car and my Kawasaki. They were tucked in right at the bottom of her handbag. I managed to extract them with no noise. Neither her or Dad even stirred as I tip toed back out of Jared's bedroom. I grabbed my phone, wallet and helmet before leaving the apartment. It almost made me laugh at the absurdity of this situation. Here I was sneaking around like a naughty teenager. Then again, it felt kind of good to be doing something that no one wanted me to do. Obviously Mom didn't think I was capable of riding my bike, so the keys got hidden. This was starting to get a little frustrating. As much as I loved my parents being around, it felt stifling right now. I knew I couldn't make some decisions by myself, but the hovering Mom was doing was going to drive me nuts if it kept up.
I rode the Kawasaki way too fast all the way to Evans place. He lived a good 30 minute drive from Jared's apartment. I managed to get there in 15 minutes. I really hoped I didn't run through any speed cameras on my way here. Otherwise I don't think I'd have a license for much longer. There were plenty of cars parked out the front already. Most of those cars I knew pretty well. I rode my bike up onto the kerb and found a spot next to Sam's car to park it. As I turned to walk in the front door, I was greeted by Abby who had Alexi in her arms.
"There she is," Abby said brightly as she gave Alexi a small bounce. "Do you want to go to Kari?"
Alexi babbled something and instantly held her arms out for me.
"Hey baby girl," I forced a smile onto my face and took Alexi from Abby. "Hows my favourite little hell spawn?"
"Being a little hell spawn," Abby looked really tired. More so than just being hungover. I vaguely remembered her being there yesterday. "How much did you speed to get over here?"
"A little," I admitted wryly. "Mom hid my keys so I feel like being rebellious because of it."
Alexi cut in by starting speaking in her own little language again. She was looking up at me, focusing very intently on my face.
"Is that right?" I said to her absently. "Shall we go get some breakfast?"
Alexi pulled a disgusted face and poked her tongue out. She blew a big raspberry sending spit everywhere. This time the smile on my face wasn't forced. It wasn't a huge beaming smile. But it was one there for the first time in what felt like forever.
"You are so gross," I went to hand her back to Abby. Alexi decided to squirm and started to make a fuss about going back to her Mom. She buried her head back into my shoulder and clung onto me like a little monkey. For someone so little, she was freakishly strong when she wanted to be.
"Nope, too bad she's all yours," Abby held her hands up and backed away. "Come and have brunch. Most of the guys stayed here the night and theres plenty of sore heads this morning."
Yeah didn't I feel that as well. My headache had dulled down but was still there. I still felt queasy and my body was screaming at me for a coffee. I followed Abby through the house and into the back porch. There was a quiet buzz of chatter from the guys on Bravo team. Most of them looked hungover as fuck, probably exactly the same way I looked. There were a few grunts of greeting as I sat down with Alexi. I found myself between Sam and Evans. Sam had his head in his arms on the table. Evans looked a little green and I don't think there'd be anything that would pry the sunglasses off his face. He was sipping on something green and looked like sludge.
"I really can't drink like I used to," Evans groaned. "I feel old."
"You are old," Sam's voice was muffled in his arms. "I swear I'm never touching bourbon again."
Alexi started talking up at me again in her own little babble, I nodded distractedly and poured myself a coffee from the pot in the middle of the table. Alexi went to grab the cup and I quickly moved it out of her reach. While she as being a little slow in the pulling herself up and walking department, she certainly had good hand coordination. It was hard to believe she'd turned 1 a few weeks ago. Her babble started to get more frustrated as she looked up at me. She tugged on my shirt to get my attention.
"What Alexi?" I looked down at her. She usually wasn't this demanding. She'd quite happily sit in mine or Riley's lap for ages without making too much fuss. Her mouth opened and closed a few times and her little face scrunched up in concentration.
"Riley."
The entire table went silent at that one word. I wasn't sure if I'd just imagined it. But judging by the way everyone was staring at her, I guess I wasn't the only one to hear it. Even Sam managed to pull his head up out of his arms. A lump appeared in my throat as I looked down at her. Alexi beamed up at me with a huge smile.
"Riley," she repeated again. There was no missing it this time. She'd definitely said it. She tugged on my shirt again impatiently and looked around the room.
"Riley isn't here baby girl," I forced myself to breath as I managed to choke the words out. Alexi frowned as she seemed to mull my words over. This was crazy. Are one year olds even capable of this kind of thought process? She frowned and then smiled at me again.
"Kari," she pointed at me with her smile turning into a grin.
Oh shit.
The silence was absolutely deafening around the table this time. I forgot to breath for a few seconds as I stared down at her in shock. Alexi didn't falter, she just grinned up at me, her chubby little fists reaching for the end of my braid which was over my shoulder. I quickly moved it out of her reach before she shoved it in her mouth. She was gross like that.
"Seriously Kari," Sam was the first to break the silence. "Fuck you. I've been trying to get her to say my name for months now. Sam is so much easier to say than Kari."
I laughed. It was strained, too high pitched and way off to be normal. But I couldn't help it. A second after me everyone else had joined in. God it felt good to be doing something else rather than feeling hollow. Alexi certainly had just broken the tension there.
"Fuck," Alexi repeated brightly. It just made everyone laugh even harder. She grinned and chanted the word a few more times until I quickly shushed her. It might be cute now, but I don't think it was going to go down well at playgroup.
"Is it too early to send her to boarding school?" Evans looked torn between pained and extremely amused at his daughters current vocabulary.
"No she can just go live with Kari," Sam grumped as he shot me a faked pained look. "Serious Sam. S.A.M. It's such a simple name. Why couldn't she say Sam first?"
"Wow you can spell," I said dryly as I took a sip of coffee. "I'm so impressed. Can you spell dog or cat next for me? Then you might graduate from preschool."
"Now children," Abby finally appeared from the kitchen, followed me one of the other guys wives. They were carrying a few bowls between them. A few of the other guys quickly jumped up to help. "No maiming before breakfast is served."
At the sight of food my stomach clenched uncomfortably. I'd barely eaten anything over the last week and a bit. Its probably why I'd ended up so drunk last night. Stress made me lose my appetite quicker than anything else. Jared and I were complete opposites like that. He reached for the ice cream and chocolate. I clammed up and didn't eat anything.
Conversation started to flow around the table again as brunch was served. I spooned some scrambled eggs onto my plate and reached for a piece of toast.
"What does Alexi want?" I half asked Alexi and looked over to Abby for help. Alexi was going through a phase where she didn't like to eat anything off her own plate. She wanted to share whatever you had.
"Whatever you want to share with her," Abby confirmed as she looked at my plate with a small frown. She looked like she was going to comment but she kept her mouth shut. It wasn't hard to guess what she wanted to say to me. I ignored the look and handed Alexi the piece of toast.
Alexi looked at the toast and then back up to me. She frowned and waved the toast back up at me.
"We're going through the stage of where we share every single bite," Evans snickered next to me. "I hope you like your toast soggy after she chews on it."
I tried not to wrinkle my nose too much as I took the piece of toast from Alexi. I took a small bite off the corner of it and handed it back to her. It was like swallowing sawdust, but I managed to do it.
"Yum," I handed the toast back to Alexi. She took exactly the same size bite of the piece of toast as I'd just done. The corner of it was barely nibbled off it. We'd be here all day if this kept up. Alexi handed the piece of toast back to me and I took a bigger bite of it this time. It didn't taste quite as bad as before. This went back and forth until the piece of toast was finished. Alexi pointed at the plate in the middle that had a few pieces left on it.
"Toast?" I tried to encourage her to say.
"Fuck," Alexi smiled at me. Beside me, Evans and Sam both choked on whatever mouthful of food they had in their mouths. Abby scowled at the three of us from across the table.
"Yeah we'll go with that," I half smiled as I grabbed another piece of toast. In-between bites of toast, Alexi and I shared the scrambled eggs I put on my plate. She wanted to hold the spoon herself while we ate the eggs. So I was forced to bend down and let her shove the spoon in my mouth while I tried to balance between helping her and trying not to make an epic mess. As it was, a lot of it landed on the ground and on my jeans so I had to get more. I ended up getting some bacon as well. Alexi could hang onto the strips of crispy bacon well enough not to have it end up everywhere. The salty bacon was doing wonders for my hangover. My stomach unwound itself enough to actually enjoy the breakfast as well. Strangely enough, I felt a lot better overall with some food in my stomach. Just like everyone had been telling me all week.
Typical. It takes getting basically hand fed by a baby to make me actually eat again. I didn't miss the few glances exchanged between Evans and Abby either. I have a feeling someone had spoken to them in an attempt to get me to something except sit on the couch and mope all day. Especially the funeral had now been and gone.
After brunch Alexi started to get tired. I excused myself and took her up to the bathroom to clean her up. And myself as well. I had more scrambled eggs and bacon over me than I think I'd gotten in my mouth. I sat Alexi up on the bathroom counter as I washed her hands and face.
"Grub," I ghosted a smile at her.
Alexi smiled and pointed at me.
"Kari," her smile just lit up the entire room. She was just adorable. My heart melted at her actually saying my name as one of her first words. I knew Riley and I spent a lot of spare time here. But I didn't think Alexi liked me that much.
"Alexi," I pointed at her and bopped her gently on the nose. She giggled and waved her arms around trying to grab at my fingers. She babbled but didn't manage to say her name like I was hoping.
"Riley," she said again. This time her smile diminished slightly.
"Yeah Riley," I sighed softly. Alexi reached up and touched the necklace Riley gave me at Christmas. I never took it off unless I had to. The mission at the fundraiser to see Tony Stark had been the first time it'd ever left my neck. As soon as we got back to the hotel room, it'd gone straight back on. "Riley's gone baby girl. He would have said goodbye if he could."
A few tears squeezed from my eyes at those words. The horrible but not familiar feeling of my heart being broken over and over again came back to my chest. I tried to swallow them back but they were a force to be reckoned with. I thought I'd cried a lifetime worth of tears since Riley had died. But my body seemed to be able to keep producing them. A gentle tap on the door made me hastily wipe my face.
"You girls having a moment up here?" Evans voice came before he opened the door. He caught me just as I was wiping my face. The strained smile on his face fell as soon as he saw me. "Kari…"
No other words were really needed. Evans closed the few steps into the bathroom and wrapped me up in a gentle hug.
"Yeah it sucks, I know," Evans said to me softly. "No matter how many times people say it's ok it really doesn't help right now. Does it?"
I shook my head against Evans shoulder as a few more tears started to fall.
"You're allowed to cry," Evans rocked me gently. "You're allowed to be angry and once you're feeling a bit better we'll go and hit the range and blow some shit up."
That made me laugh very weakly. Evans didn't give me a chance to say anything, he kept speaking.
"It hurts, so much that you don't think you can breathe sometimes," Evans continued. "But little by little, it'll get better. It might not be tomorrow or even in 6 months. But life keeps moving along and you will too. But in your own time. No one can tell you how you should be feeling and when. You guys talked about this, yeah?"
I nodded in confirmation. My throat was too tight to speak right now.
"We're all here for you," Evans gave me a light squeeze. "You don't have to talk about Riley, or even your feelings. Just come over and have a beer. Play with Alexi or whatever you want. I've been a STRIKE leader for 12 years now. Believe me when I say this isn't my first rodeo."
That I could imagine. STRIKE wasn't the safest job out there. Evans would have seen and been to his fair share of funerals.
"Just look after yourself at the moment," Evans pulled back from our hug and gave me a small smile. "If that means you want to be back at work punching a bag in a few days then thats great. If you need some breathing space and aren't ready to do anything for a few weeks, then thats fine too. Don't rush anything. There is nothing of great urgency that needs to be dealt with until you're ready. Don't let anyone push you around with that either."
"Riley brought us a house," my voice was finally back. "I have no idea what to do with it."
It seemed to silly that the house was such a major concern for me right now. I hadn't even gone to look at it yet. I don't think I could bring myself to it either. I might never be ready to actually go and look at it. The thought of Riley buying us a house meant he really was thinking about the future for us. If I'd found an engagement ring in his locker I would have lost my mind by now.
"I know he did," Evans sighed quietly. "I went with him when he first wanted to look at it. Its brought and paid for. It can sit empty for the next 6 months until you decide what you want to do with it."
Well, that was sneaky of both Riley and Evans. It wouldn't be hard to work around there. Riley would just say he's working late and they could easily spend a few hours without me knowing any of it.
"Or Marks and Andy are looking for somewhere closer to live," Evans looked thoughtful. They were 2 guys on Bravo team. I didn't know them that well. "They're both house trained and I can vouch for them that they won't be having keg parties there."
Another weak smile on my face. Evans was doing a better job of making me feel better in 10 minutes than anyone else had in the last week.
"I can organise all of that if you want if off your plate," Evans reached over and gave my shoulder a small squeeze. "Even if it's only until your ready to deal with it."
"Thanks Evans," I felt teary again. "That would be great."
Alexi chose that moment to make herself known in the bathroom again. The attention hadn't been on her for too long and she needed to change that.
"Fuck," Alexi declared loudly.
I snorted as I let out a short laugh. That wasn't going to get old anytime soon. Evans laughed as well, ducking his head to try and hide his amusement. Alexi grinned at both of us in obvious glee for making us laugh.
"I'll put Miss Potty Mouth down for a nap," I turned around and grabbed her off the bench. Alexi wrapped her arms my neck as far as she could and hugged me tightly.
"Any chance Dad can get a hug?" Evans held his hands out for his daughter. Alexi just buried herself into me further, hiding her head in the crook of my neck. I could feel the cheeky smile of hers against my skin as she shook her head. She'd learnt to shake her head very early on when she didn't want something. I couldn't wait until she learnt the word No. In fact I planned on teaching it to her in 4 different languages.
"Typical," Evans rolled his eyes. He tickled the back of Alexi's neck making her squeal with laughter. She squirmed around so much I nearly dropped her. But she pulled her head up and gave her Dad a very sweet little smile. Evans held his hands out again to see if she'd come. But she just giggled and hugged me again.
"So, I have something else I want to talk to you about," Evans smiled back at Alexi and bopped her on the nose. "Abby and I wanted to know if you'd like to be Alexi's god parent, officially. And our next born as well."
"I'd love to," that wasn't a hard decision to make. Even if it did feel like I was taking over from Riley, hearing Alexi say my name as one of her first words just made it very easy to say yes. Then the last part of his sentence sunk in. "Hang on, the next born?"
"Abby's pregnant," Evans was beaming. "12 weeks. We didn't want to say anything to anyone until it was a bit further along. Besides Riley, you're the only one to know so far."
"Oh Troy," I smiled and reached over to give him a hug. His beaming smile was a bit contagious. That was not what I was expecting to hear today. "I'm so happy for you both. Congratulations. I didn't know you guys were trying again."
"We weren't," Evans sounded a bit sheepish as he hugged me back. "It just happened. We just didn't want to get too excited at first, but everything is all looking normal and perfect."
"Hence Abby's flu that kept hanging around," it clicked in my head why Abby hadn't been feeling well for ages. "I'm so happy for you both."
The news felt like a bit of the fog I'd been living in had lifted slightly. Instead of being lost in a permanent cloud with no end in sight, the tiniest ray of light had peaked through. Having something to look forward to was a nice thought. Riley could't be here this time so I'd damn well make sure I was here making a real nuisance of myself.
"Lets get back downstairs," Evans tickled Alexi again. She giggled and wriggled away from his tickling fingers. "You look like you could do with another coffee."
Another coffee sounded amazing. Alexi was fast fading and it wouldn't be hard to put her down for a nap. Despite her best efforts, she was asleep by the time I pulled the blanket up over her. I put her favourite stuffed unicorn next to her which she grabbed in her sleep. I ran my fingers through her short dark curls before turning around and heading back downstairs. As promised, there was already a coffee sitting there waiting for me as I sat back down.
It was relaxing sitting here listening to Bravo team's conversation going on around me. I didn't contribute much, but it felt nice to have people not treading on eggshells around me. The conversation drifted to Riley sometimes. And other times it was just the usual banter that went on. Sam took great pleasure in nearly making me snort coffee out of my nose when he asked if it was true that Riley and I fucked in the Quinjet once. Apparently that had been the one and only thing Riley had ever bragged about sex wise.
After my second coffee and one of Abby's amazing chocolate chip muffins, I reluctantly dragged myself away and headed home. It was mid afternoon and I'd been ignoring my phone since I got there. But the constant stream of vibrations coming from my pocket was a not too subtle hint that I was being missed at home. I snuck a look at my phone to find a barrage of texts mostly from Jared. He'd been sending messages for the sake of sending messages to be annoying. There was at least 6 texts that were nothing but smiley faces, poop emoticons or boobs. He was such a shit. It did make me smile a little bit though. He didn't actually want me for anything. It was just like he'd actually missed my company. Or he was going insane. There was a pretty even chance of both of those things being true.
I rode sensibly and stuck to the speed limit on the way back to Jared's apartment. Pulling into the garage the first thing I noticed was my parents car wasn't there. A small part of me was relieved about that. I loved my parents very much and I really was grateful for all of Mom's help since everything happened. But all of us under the one roof for any extended period of time could get a little abrasive. I parked the bike and decided to be lazy and take the elevator up. I flicked through my phone distractedly to see who else wanted to speak to me while I was at brunch. As usual there was a few texts from both Clint and Natasha. Mom had sent me one asking if I'd developed powers of being able to not make any noise when I moved around. I smiled at that one. At least she wasn't pissed about me disappearing. I was so occupied with my phone I barely realised the elevator door had opened. Let alone Jared standing on the other side of it.
"BOO!" Jared screamed at me.
I shrieked. Loudly. Very, very loudly. Then I threw the first thing in my hand which happened to be my phone at him. It missed by a mile, landing with a clatter in the hallway. A second later Jared was on the floor, clutching at his stomach laughing hysterically.
"Oh my fucking god, you should have seen your face," Jared gasped between his laughs. "That was so worth whatever pay back you have in store for me."
"You are such as ASSHOLE," I screeched at Jared. For good measure I made a ball of ice and thew that at him as well. It bounced off his arm, way off course to do any actual damage. It only made Jared laugh even more while I stood there scowling at him.
"Don't scowl it makes you look like Mom," Jared choked out around his laughter. "And you get these funky wrinkles in your forehead that makes you look old."
That's it. He's dead.
I threw myself onto my twin, and landed a not too gentle smack into his ribs. Jared responded by throwing me off and nearly getting me pinned to the ground. I only just managed to slip from his grasp, flinging myself a few inches away from him onto my back. The small effort left me breathing heavily and feeling disgustingly unfit.
"You feel better," Jared reached over and slapped my thigh. It wasn't hard but it still made my leg sting at the hard contact. "I'm guessing brunch was good?"
"Brunch was relaxing," only Jared could say something like that to me and not have it come off weird. I knew exactly what he meant though. Over the last week he'd not only been dealing with his own emotions of losing Riley. But the little control I had over myself would have been giving him the full brunt of my own emotions as well. "Alexi spoke."
"Did she?" Jared's face softened into a gentle smile. He'd only met Alexi once or twice, but my brother was just as smitten with her as Riley was. Jared loved kids. If he wasn't such a man whore he'd probably have an entire baseball team of his own little hell spawn. It made me very glad he was a man whore. I don't think the world would be ready for multiple Jared's. "What was it?"
"Riley," the sadness tugged at my heart again. But I quickly squashed it back this time so I could keep going with my story. "Then Kari. And then it was fuck."
"I'm really hoping we're encouraging the use of the third word," Jared chuckled. I knew him well enough to detect his own small pang of sadness at Alexi's first word. But like me, he pushed through it. "Preferably in several languages until Evans brings in the swear jar at his place too."
As Jared spoke he climbed to his feet. I took his offered hand and let him haul me up as well. I quickly grabbed my phone, which was thankfully still in one piece, jacket and helmet and we both went back to his apartment.
"Where's the parents?" I asked as I threw my keys into the bowl near the door.
"Went out to see someone in DC," Jared answered. He went straight to the kitchen and started to rummage around in the freezer. "Nat went home to have a shower and get changed. We're all going out to dinner tonight. Coming?"
Jared glanced back at me over his shoulder. I knew by the look on his face he was about to argue if I said no. After such a relaxing morning and half the afternoon, I really wasn't in the mood for an argument.
"Sure," I said with a small shrug. "Where are we going?"
The look of surprise on Jared's face made me duck my head to hide my amusement. I loved being able to surprise him every so often.
"Somewhere that serves food," Jared recovered quickly. He pulled a tub of ice cream from the freezer, along with some bananas and whipped cream from the fridge. "Want some ice cream?"
I wrinkled my nose in response. Both to the request for ice cream and his smart ass answer. Jared just grinned at me while he rummaged around for a bowl. He also got the chocolate topping and sprinkles out. Despite my initial reservation, the banana split Jared was about to make was suddenly looking really good.
"I think we're going to HeeBeen," Jared said after a moment. He began to scoop ice cream into his bowl. "I haven't been in ages and there's enough variety there to make everyone happy."
"Yum, we haven't been to HeeBeen in ages either," I couldn't take my eyes off the bowl of ice cream. Jared broke up the banana and threw it on top of the ice cream. He smothered all of it in an obscene amount of chocolate topping and whipped cream before adding sprinkles on top.
Jared wordlessly reached down and pulled another spoon out. He slid it across the counter as he started to dig into the mess. I eyed off the spoon and back to his sundae a few times before surrendering into the sugar craving. The first spoonful was only small. I tentatively nibbled on the edge of it, wondering if I was pushing my luck with the amount I'd eaten today. As soon as the taste hit my tongue, I was hooked. I eagerly dug into the sundae with Jared. I had a feeling he'd made an extra large helping of it on purpose. We ate in silence until the bowl was scraped clean. As I sat there licking the back of my spoon, Jared reached into his pocket and slid a small card across the island.
"I found this when I went to your apartment," Jared's voice was soft and cautious. "After everything I…"
Jared trailed off and cleared his throat uncomfortably. I picked the business card up, already knowing what it was.
"No one is going to force you to stay in SHIELD to finish off your year," Jared found his voice again. "I thought you might want this."
It was James Rhodes business card. I'd put it on the bedside table and forgotten about it. The card would have gotten buried under all the rest of the junk that seemed to accumulate on there.
"Thanks," I didn't know what else to say. I reached over and slid the business card over to me. Flipping it over I stared at the words and letters, not really reading them. I hadn't thought this far ahead yet. I couldn't even begin to think of what would happen tomorrow, let alone making the decision whether I'd leave SHIELD or not.
"Mom already spoke to Fury about it," Jared pushed his spoon around in the empty bowl.
"I don't think I should be making such a big decision right now," I absently traced my fingers over the numbers.
"Me either," Jared shrugged. "But I thought it was better coming from me than anyone else."
"Thank you," I reached over and gave Jared's hand a small squeeze. "For everything, since this happened."
"Except for drugging you," Jared halfheartedly laughed and squeezed my hand back. "Your metabolism is screwy. I burn through sedatives at twice the normal rate."
"Yeah except for that," I wrinkled my nose and half smiled. "Don't do that again."
Silence stretched out between us as Jared fiddled with the dirty bowl. I tapped my fingers against the bench not able to take my eyes off the business card in front of me. Right now it was a tempting offer now I thought about it. I'd be far away from here. From all the memories that now hurt so badly I didn't think I could breath sometimes. I'd have nearly my old life back. I might have been alone back then, but I really did love being a pilot. Maybe being alone wasn't such a bad thing. If I was alone I had no one else to care about but myself. No one else could leave me or hurt me in anyway.
"No one would blame you if you leave Kari," Jared said softly making me drag my eyes up to his face. He would have known exactly what I was thinking right now. "God knows I'd be considering the exact same thing if I was you right now."
"Would you?" I looked at Jared carefully, searching his face for a lie. He was being 100% serious though.
"Yeah I would," Jared wrinkled his nose slightly. "Some of the shit I've seen and done, it doesn't make me sleep terribly well at night. A few times I've sat back and seriously thought about what I do for a living and if I can see myself doing it for the rest of my life. However long or short that may be. But at the end of the day I know I'd regret leaving. I love my job and everyone here."
Jared's job as a Specialist, as much as I didn't want to admit, could be a hell of a lot more dangerous than STRIKE. One misstep on one of his undercover mission and it could be all over for him. Piss off the wrong person and there were a lot of people in the world who would pay handsomely for Jared's head on a platter.
"You go out there, thinking you're 20 feet tall and invincible," Jared continued. "And then something like this happens and its like a punch in the gut. You suddenly realise everything can come crashing down in an instant and it's a sobering fucking reminder on how we definitely aren't bulletproof or invincible. It's a sobering thought."
"Yeah neither of us suck on cigars and call ourselves Wolverine," I couldn't help the small bit of snark in my tone. Jared grinned at me briefly for the quick comment. Neither of us particularly liked our History teacher back at school.
"Or Deadpool," Jared chuckled lightly. "Did you ever meet him?"
I shook my head. I wasn't even sure who Jared was talking about. I really did miss out on a lot of things by going to a normal school.
"He is one crazy motherfucker with the same healing ability as Logan," Jared explained looking a little lost in a memory. He shook his head and brought himself back into this time. "Anyway, just remember no matter what you decide to do we'll always support you. That means Clint and Natasha as well. They've taken this pretty hard. They both really loved Riley."
So did I. So much that I don't think I'd ever be able to feel something like that again. But even in my own fog of grief I knew Clint had taken this really hard. To let me into his very secret life was one thing. To bring Riley into it as well took a lot of trust that Clint usually didn't have. We'd all lost a part of our crazy little family that day.
"While I'm all for you going to California and becoming a test pilot for the F-35's," Jared looked like he was choosing his words very carefully. "I also couldn't be prouder of you for what you've achieved here in SHIELD. You are STRIKE Team Delta. Something no one else has accomplished. You've been the happiest I've ever seen you. Don't throw all that away on a whim because you're hurting right now. You've picked up the pieces of your life before and I have complete faith that you can do it again."
"And what makes you think that?" I couldn't think of anything else to say to Jared. I was a little dumbfounded at how damn sincere he sounded. I actually believed every single word that was coming out of his mouth.
"Because you haven't gone and rang Colonel Rhodes the second I handed you that card," Jared pushed himself away from the island. "I'm going to have a shower."
Jared left me sitting there, mouth open and ready to argue with him. Even after he had left the room. But my mind couldn't find the words that were needed. Or the words I wanted to throw back at him. I finally snapped my mouth shut and glared at the now closed bathroom door.
Dammit. I really hated it when he was right.
Authors Note.
Sorry for the delay guys. I lost my old stallion last weekend and I've been an emotional mess over it. I knew his time was limited with winter on the way, but I didn't expect it to happen quite so soon or suddenly. Hence the struggle to get through this chapter. It's a bit shorter than normal so I hope everyone enjoys it.
As always I'm blown away for the support on this story! Thank you to everyone who reads this story and reviews. It makes me happy with every new review and follower for this story. I blame the X-Men references in getting excited for X-Men Apocalypse coming out. I've already been to see Civil War 3 times. And it was amazing! But also bad in the way I'm now thinking of how this story is going to fit in with it.
Until next time.