Summary: Sheer crack to explain why Gray isn't a girl and Juvia could never be a boy…

Pairings: Implied Gray/Juvia, brotherly Lyon/Gray, sisterly Erza/Gray, Gajeel/Juvia friendship, implied Gray/Others, Gray/Girls friendship, Natsu/Gray if you really want to look at it like that, and implied Natsu/Lucy.

YouTube Prompt: Fairy Tail tribute to 'We Are One' from Lion King 2.

"Grey," Lucy said gently, "we have to talk."

It was then when the Ice Mage realised that all of her friends were sitting down quietly with sombre looks on their face. For one, horrible, wild moment she half thought they were going to tell her Lyon had died or something.

She never got on well with that prick but he had been the closest she had to a brother before Fairy Tail, and he was the last link she had to Ur and Ultear….it was safe to say she would be rather put out if Lyon had died.

However, her eyes fell on the white haired pain in the arse, who sat there smugly between Lucy and Erza.

So it wasn't that.

"What is he doing here?" Grey asked as she pointed a finger at Lyon.

"Hello to you too," Lyon rolled his eyes, "my younger student."

"Lyon," Erza stressed as she shot Grey a look to tell her to mind her manners, "is here because he cares about you."

"We all care about you, Grey," Lucy added.

"Well I don't," Natsu jumped in, "I'm just here because-"

"Natsu, shut up!"

Grey sniggered as everyone told Natsu to shut up. Ah that was priceless. Her mirth faded pretty quickly when everyone then turned their unimpressed, flat, expressions onto her.

"We're here to help you," Master stressed, "You have an addiction, Grey."

"Wait, what?!" Grey's eyes bugged out. "Is this an intervention?! What for?! I don't drink like Cana, I don't go insane over gambling like Erza, nor do I have a cake addiction like her, and I'm not-"

"Grey, sweetie," Cana said as she suddenly draped a table cloth over Grey, "it's the stripping. Not the drinking. Which you never do enough if you ask me."

Everyone rolled their eyes, according to Cana no one did enough drinking.

"Oh come on!" Grey whined. "This isn't fair! It's not something I can help. I was brought up-"

"Yeah, not buying it," Lyon interrupted, "I was brought up just the same way and you don't see me stripping off."

"You did when we fought that Racer guy!"

"Only because we were using a lot of ice maker magic. That's not the same-"

"The hell it is!" Grey threw off the table cloth. "This is sexist bullshit!"

"Grey," Mira coughed awkwardly, "no one will deny you probably wouldn't get this if you are a bloke, and true that's a double standard, but you have to realise its very different if you're a teenage boy walking around in your underwear to when you're a teenage girl walking round only in your knickers. You've almost killed the boys in our guild."

"The old building's floor was covered in blood stains from nosebleeds," Makarov agreed solemnly, "and I had to keep sending Macao, Wakaba, Reedus, and Gildarts away as they were slowly losing it."

The ones that grew up in the guild while Grey was still underage remembered the constant rocking in dark corners and the muttered chant of 'we're not pedos' and instantly shuddered.

"It's not my fault they're a bunch of elderly perverts!"

"Oi!"

"Well," Cana shrugged, "she's got a point."

"You're all just jealous!" Grey said smugly. "Because I have won the last five beauty pageants without even entering."

"As much as that is a sore point with us," Lucy agreed, "that's not actually the po…wait the last five?!"

"Ever since she hit puberty," Levy grumbled, "we even sent her out of town during the competition and she still won."

Grey wasn't much for boasting but she knew she was fucking gorgeous, ridiculously so, with flawless pale skin, her long dark hair, and what Juan had called 'stormy' eyes, and she couldn't help but feel a bit smug that people can see that.

"Well I'm not jealous," Natsu said, "I just want you to wear some fucking clothes so we can actually fight."

"Why?" Grey smirked. "Are you afraid of touching my breasts?"

"No," Natsu scowled, "I have no problem punching you in the boobs if I thought it would keep you down."

"NATSU!"

"What?" Natsu blinked at all the girls. "I've always punched Erza in the boobs before."

"Yes," Erza said in chilly tones, "which is why I have returned the favour with a swift kick in the balls."

Natsu immediately crossed his legs…..as did all the other men in the room. "What I mean is every time you strip, which is all the time," Natsu whined, "I can't fight you because it always looks like I'm raping you and people keep trying to kill me."

"Puh-lease," Grey snorted, "like you'd know what to do if you were to ever hit puberty."

"WHAT WAS THAT?!" Natsu bellowed. "I know what to do! Ask Lucy!"

"Natsu!"

"Rather not," Grey gagged.

"Look, putting Salamander's potential to be a rapist-"

"I'M NOT RAPIST!"

"– the biggest problem is Juan," Gajeel carried on as if Natsu wasn't pitting fire furiously at his ear, "you remember Juan, right?"

Grey stared at Gajeel disbelievingly.

How could she forget Juan? Juan Lockser was…..well her stalker is probably the best term for it. He had been a quiet, shy, conservative guy in Phantom Lord who helped kidnap Lucy (long story, don't ask) and Grey had met him in her attempt to rescue her best friend (though to be honest anyone that got under Natsu's skin and wound him up was Grey's best friend) when his nose suddenly spouted with blood, his cheeks went bright red, and he shouted "BOOBS!" on the top of his voice before passing out.

Giving Grey her easiest victory yet.

Ever since he had been trying to declare his love for Grey, and proven to be an excellent friend and fighter (despite his poor attempt at fighting Grey), and quickly became a Fairy Tail mage.

Grey would say it was a serious problem that needs dealing with if it wasn't for the fact Juan tended to disappear for long periods of time.

And she was rather fond of him.

"Yeah, of course," Grey rolled her eyes, "why? What's wrong with Juan? Did someone hurt him?"

"Nothing he ain't used to now," Gajeel grunted, "do you know he has a criminal record thanks to you? He's been arrested hundreds of times for stalking you. The authorities see a pretty, naked, lady like you, and Juan walking not that far behind, and immediately think he's trouble."

"…..well," Lucy sweat-dropped, "technically they have a point."

"They use lacrima to shock him and drag him into the cells like he's trash," Gajeel growled, "and all because Little Miss Snow White over there can't keep her knickers on."

"Oh crap!"

"And this," Erza rolled her eyes as she handed a spare pair of white cotton knickers to Grey, "is why I told you that you can't have nice underwear like Lucy's."

"….What sort of underwear does Lucy have?" Wakaba asked lecherously.

"None of your business!" Lucy barked.

"If you learnt to keep your stripping habit under control," Erza continued as if Lucy and Natsu weren't trying to murder Wakaba with their eyes behind her, "you could finally have all the lace and satin you would want."

"Eh," Grey shrugged, "I've out grown wanting girly things."

Erza turned to stone at that out of sheer disbelieve…..who…..who wouldn't want pretty things?!

"I think that's it," Mira sighed, "we're all out of cards to play."

"Not quite," Macao said smugly, "I have one that might help." Everyone turned to stare at him in either disbelief, confusion, or amusement. "As you know," he said more seriously, "during those seven years while you were all gone, Fairy Tail went bankrupt."

Everyone nodded. "Wait!" Grey frowned. "What has that got to do with my stripping habit?!"

"Well things could have been even worse," Macao explained, "we could have ended up living in a shack in the woods like Natsu. If it hadn't been for this." He then held up a calendar with Grey naked plastered on it. "We really struggled to keep hold of the building itself. If it hadn't been for all of those pinup calendars of Grey, we would be screwed."

"Wait…." Grey stared disbelievingly as she snatched the calendar and began to flip through it. There were pictures of her curled up in sexy positions, pictures of her behind, with her head turned so and sultry expression on her face, her in the library, her cooking, her cleaning the pool…..all naked. "WHERE DID YOU GET THESE?!"

"Reedus painted them!" Wakaba and Macao shouted.

Grey, and some of the other girls, turned to look at Reedus in disgust. "Oui!" Reedus said cheerfully. "Grey-Chan has been a wonderful subject for my art. Not a single painting is fake, they are all what Grey-Chan does naturally."

Grey stared down at the pictures of her being naturally sexy and she knew instantly that millions of men out in the world had brought this and got off looking at her. Some of them are probably members of her guild….

She dropped the calendar.

"I suddenly feel really dirty…."

"There, there," Erza patted her shoulder sympathetically, "you go and have a nice long shower while I'll murder everyone who is involved in these."

"And I'll help!" Lyon said cheerfully.

Reedus, Macao, and Wakaba all gulped and instantly ran for the door.

"This is it," Grey swore, "this is the last time. I will ever strip!"

…..she lasts for a week, unfortunately on a job the sun was too hot, and her clothes were too itchy, and before she knew it Juan was arrested again for stalking the pretty naked girl.

Man, she was going to have no money left for rent with all the bail she has had to pay.