I knew I was dreaming. I had to be. None of this was real. But no matter how much I wanted to squeeze my eyes shut and force it away, it just wouldn't work for me.
Riley was standing in front of me. Alive, smiling and holding out his hand.
"Hey gorgeous," he said softly. "I missed you."
My hand flew up to my mouth to stop the gasp escaping from my mouth. No matter how much I tried to stop them, tears formed in my eyes.
"You're not real," I managed to choke out.
"Yeah, yeah you've said that to me so many times," Riley laughed, his entire face lighting up in amusement. How I missed that look on his face. His green eyes would sparkle like gems when he was really amused. I could get lost in that gaze of his. "I'm such a perfect boyfriend that I can't be real. Then you grump at me for not putting my coffee mug in the dishwasher when I'm finished with it."
"Then put your mug in the dishwasher," I laughed weakly. I couldn't stop myself. I reached forward and put my hands on his chest. He was warm and firm under my palms. Riley brought his arms around me, pulling me into a bone crushing hug.
"God I've missed you so much," Riley breathed into my hair. "Syria sucked. I have sand in places I didn't know I could get sand."
I threw my arms around Riley's neck, pulling myself against his body as close as I could get. I could feel his heart beating in a steady rhythm against my chest. He was warm, alive and here. I forced my eyes closed and willed myself not to cry. To just enjoy the moment while it lasted.
"How's our gorgeous little girl?" one of Riley's hands slide around to rest on my stomach.
I pulled away enough to look down between us. Sure enough there was a small bump in the way. My own hand flew down to my stomach, resting over Riley's. I could feel something, like butterflies dancing against my skin but on the inside of me. It was the strangest sensation. Riley's face lit up even more with joy at the movement. I should have been shocked, my somehow it felt so strangely right.
"Learning to tap dance," the words left my mouth before I could really process what was happening. "She's going to be an active one."
"Just like her Mom," Riley's free hand came up to tilt my head up to look at him. He looked so happy. Like nothing could ruin this moment we were having. If I could freeze time, this would be one moment I would. It was just perfect. "Did I tell you how much I love you?"
Riley didn't give me a chance to reply. His lips crashed down onto mine. There was nothing sweet or gentle about the kiss. It was filled with passion, desire and longing. Like he was putting every emotion he had right behind it. My entire body felt like it was on fire from the passion behind that kiss.
It ended abruptly as Riley suddenly pulled himself away. His hands went to grab at his side and he grimaced in pain.
"Riley?" I frowned at his reaction.
Riley's face went pale as he looked back to me. His hands came away sticky with blood. He was suddenly jerked backwards and hit the ground hard. Looming over him was Yelena. She had a bloody knife in her hand.
"Pathetic," her face pulled in a sneer. "All that power given to you and you can't even protect the person you love the most in this world."
I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe, blink or do anything. It was like I was frozen on the spot.
"Kari," Riley's pained voice reached me. But I couldn't look down to see him. "Don't listen to her."
"You could have killed me in the blink of an eye," Yelena casually flipped the knife into her other hand. "And all this wouldn't be on you."
She stepped aside to reveal a pile of bodies. There were so many all stacked on top of each other. Every single person I cared about was in that pile staring back at me with lifeless eyes. Everyone was there. Jared. My parents. Clint, Natasha and Coulson. Laura and the kids. Bravo team. Even Abby and Alexi. No one was spared. All dead stacked upon each other. The blood was running like a river on the floor. There was so much of it. It felt like it was pooling all the way up to my ankles. I couldn't look down to see. The only thing I could see was Yelena staring at me.
"You're weak," Yelena scoffed. "And pathetic. You'll never be like the people you work with. You don't deserve to be in their presence, let alone what they consider a team. You don't have to guts to do what needs to be done. But I do."
Yelena reached around and pulled out a Glock from behind her. She cocked it and aimed it away from me. My eyes tried to follow it but I was still frozen on the spot. I knew exactly where she was aiming it though. I was screaming at my body to move, to do something than stand here uselessly. I couldn't even move my mouth.
"He's all you have left," Yelena's smile was cold as her finger inched towards the trigger. "If I kill him you've lost everything."
"Use your powers Kari," Riley's voice sounded so weak and far away. I could barely hear him over the pounding of my heart. "Just kill the bitch. Don't let it end like this. We're going to have a daughter, don't let me die without seeing her."
I fumbled in my mind, grasping for the feel of the moisture in the air. For something to help fuel my power and do exactly that. But I had nothing. I couldn't feel any moisture, not even in my own body. I couldn't move. I couldn't even feel the tingle of my power no matter how hard I tried. There was nothing I could do.
Yelena stood there for long moments with her head cocked to the side, just watching me. A smile crept onto her face that chilled me to the core.
"Pathetic."
The sound of a gunshot echoed loudly around the room.
I shot upright gasping for breath, my hands reached for under the bed before I was really awake. I felt my fingers close around the P30 Natasha had hidden under there for me. The feel of the cool and rough grip wiped away any traces of sleep still lingering in my mind. A dream. Just a horrible dream.
I fell back against my pillow squeezing my eyes shut. Tears were pouring down my face no matter how hard I tried to squeeze them away. That was a new nightmare. I'd never dreamt of Riley since he died. It just reopened that old wound, making the grief as fresh as the day he died. My free hand went down to my stomach, feeling for the bump that I'd felt in my dream. It was flat, like it should be. It had all felt so real. Every last detail of him had been just like I remembered him. The feel of his arms around me. The smell that was just him. The feel of his lips against mine. The kiss had been exactly as I remember how his kisses felt. I missed him so much it felt like it physically hurt still. Every bit of progress that I thought I'd made felt like it'd just all flown out the window. That dream just mangled everything from the last 4 months together in one horrible mess. Though it was hard to believe it'd been 4 months now.
I struggled to keep my breathing under control as I lay there crying. I rolled over onto my stomach and pulled the pillow over my head to keep the noise to a minimum. I tightened my grip on the P30 until I could barely feel my fingers. Jared and I were still sharing a hospital room. Clint had been moved in here as well after his little escape attempt. It'd been 3 weeks since I'd woken up properly and Coulson chewed us all out for all the problems we'd caused. Since then it'd been a whirlwind of doctors and therapists. What no one tells you is when you're in what could be considered a medical coma for 2 weeks is all your muscles start to atrophy. I thought I'd be up and walking in a day and home in another few. After all, I was young and fit. A leg stab wound shouldn't bother me that much.
How wrong I was. 3 weeks later and I could only just manage to hobble to the toilet and back before I was out of breath or in too much pain to function. I could make it halfway down the hallway with crutches, but even that left me exhausted. My thigh ached from the stab wound nearly constantly. The knife had done some significant muscle damage and been driven into my leg hard enough to chip my thigh bone. The dose of radiation poisoning we had been enough to lay anyone up in bed for a few weeks. I felt constantly weak and exhausted. I'd never slept so much in my life.
Which came back to my current problem. With sleep came horrific nightmares of what happened in Pripyat. It was usually my mind skewing what happened that night. Most of it was just us not making it out of there. Or not getting to Jared in time. Those I could deal with because I could stumble over to Jared's bed to reassure myself he was still alive. Clint as well. Andrew had been around the moment I could stay awake long enough to speak for 5 minutes. It helped a little to talk things through about what happened. But I couldn't bring myself to really open up about all of this. It was easier to just try and push it all into the back of my mind and keep it locked away. I wanted to do something. I just needed to get out of this bed. Despite the constant stream of visitors, it was stifling boring.
The nightmare I just had really hit home with how I was feeling about how everything went down. I just couldn't stop kicking myself over letting Yelena live. I had my powers for a reason. I could have frozen Yelena solid in about 2 seconds. Or shot her in the head as soon as I walked into that room. She wouldn't have had enough time to hit the kill switch on her bomb. All of this could have been avoided if I'd just been a stronger person and pulled the trigger.
This felt like Afghanistan all over again. I hated the feeling that I didn't belonged here. Except this time it was a mistake that could have killed all of us. The guilt I was feeling felt like it was a constant weight on my chest. I was slowly being suffocated by it. But I just couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. Maybe Natasha had rubbed off on me a little too well. I managed to spin enough bullshit to keep Andrew off my back about my feelings. Mom wasn't fooled though. But she was so torn between being at the hospital with us and trying to keep on top of work. It was easy to tell her that the guilt I was feeling was from worrying her so much. It seemed to mollify her for the moment.
"Kari?" Jared's sleepy voice cut through my thoughts.
"Yeah?" I made my voice sound as even as possible. It wasn't the first time one of us had woken up from nightmares. Both Jared and Clint had woken me up a few times from their own. I'd woken up a few times to find Clint asleep with his head on my head, his hand gripping whatever part of my body he could touch. Jared's bed was still close enough he could grab my arm if he needed as well. We'd both fallen asleep with our hands intertwined many times.
"You okay?" Jared's voice was slurred and thick with sleep. He was still on some serious heavy duty painkillers, making him sluggish and irritable. I doubt he'd even remember this in the morning.
"Yeah just a dream," I wiped my face on the sheets. "Sorry, didn't mean to wake you."
"Kay," Jared barely managed to finished the sentence before his breathing evened out again. Within a few seconds it sounded like he was fast asleep again.
It took me another few minutes to stop crying and pull myself back together. I shoved all the thoughts of me fucking up from my mind yet again. I kept trying to lock them away in a box in the far corners of my mind, but it always came back. I hated this. I hated feeling helpless and doubting myself every single time something happened to me. I knew part of me working with STRIKE Team Delta was sheer luck. Jared's friendship with Clint and Natasha had probably been a bigger influence than what I'd liked to admit. But despite the nagging doubt always in the back of my head, I worked my ass off to do this. Day in and day out I pushed my body and mind to the limits, when I hit my limit I'd keep pushing past them. I wanted the bravery I felt in Professor Xavier's office back. It'd been the first time in my life I'd felt it. I'd given anything to find that feeling again.
This was a horrible cycle. I didn't want to go to sleep because of the nightmares always plaguing me. But I couldn't stay awake. I was still on some heavy duty painkillers which made me drowsy. I'd tried to get the doctor's the back them off but the pain was still bad enough to need them. I reached over and grabbed my phone checking the time. It was 0330. Far too early to be awake. It was also too easy for anyone to come in and make me take painkillers to go sleep either.
I sighed and looked at the TV that was in front of our beds, pushed against the wall so it wasn't in the way. I'm not sure who brought it in but it'd been a lifesaver. My laptop was here as well so it wasn't like we were short on entertainment. But the 4 walls of the room seemed to be closing in far too much right now. My head was a mixed jumble of thoughts and emotions. I gripped the P30 a little tighter in my hand and swung my legs over the bed. In the darkness I fumbled around until I found my headphones on the bedside table. Sitting out in the corridor listening to music was going to be better than sitting in here.
My socked feet slid along the floor slowly as I crept over to the door. It was an awkward limp to make it there, but I managed without falling over. My thigh protested heavily after being made to move after being stationary for so long. I slid out into the brightly lit hallway in a dozen painful steps.
"What are you doing awake?" Natasha's voice made me jump in surprise. I looked to the right, where her voice had come from. She was propped up against the wall, Glock sitting in her lap and one headphone dangling from her ear. She looked exhausted.
"Had a bad dream," I hobbled over to her. She scooted over a little to make room for me. "What are you doing here?"
"Same thing," Natasha gave me a strained smile. "Had a bad dream and had to make sure you were all still here."
I slid down to sit next to her. Natasha scooted closer towards me so we were touching. It was only our shoulders, but the warmth from her body was comforting. Natasha had barely left the hospital the last few weeks. She was due to fly to California to start on an undercover mission soon. It was in the last stages of being finalised. There was a pretty good chance she wouldn't be home for months once it all went ahead. Even thinking about it made me miss her already and she wasn't even gone yet.
"Do you want to talk about yours?" Natasha asked after a long stretch of silence. Her question jolted me out of my train of though about her leaving.
"I probably want to talk about mine as much as you want to talk about yours," I said trying to avoid thinking about my nightmare. It'd been so vivid and real. I swallowed back the lump in my throat as the feeling of Riley pressed up against my body came forward. With that train of thought came another lot of feelings that weren't entirely unpleasant.
"Mine was Yelena had come back and taken all 3 of you," Natasha's quiet words were a surprise. There hadn't been a flicker of hesitation to admitting her nightmare. "Now there's no one here to guard you, I'm finding myself sitting outside this door for most of the night."
After there had been no sight of Yelena for over 2 weeks, our guards had slowly dwindled to none. Part of it was SHIELD couldn't spare the man power anymore. There'd been a few situations with the Ten Rings, the latest one being a ship in Aden. A STRIKE team was sent in to take the ship, but Tony Stark had seen fit to barge in, using his Iron Man suit. Just another long list of things Tony Stark had done in the last few months to try and prove that he was privatising world security. I'd heard about it from Mom and Coulson, now that he was speaking to us again.
"You could have at least brought something to drink if we're sharing emotions," I tried to joke with Natasha. My heart really wasn't in a joking mood though. I just couldn't think of anything to say to make that better. I couldn't even sort out my own head.
She gave me an incredulous look before pulling a hip flask out of her jacket and handing it over to me. Right, how silly of me to think that she wouldn't have anything. I took the offered flask and had a swig. The vodka made my eyes water and throat burn. But it made me feel warm on the inside. It was potent, my head spun nearly straight away as it hit my empty stomach.
"And that's all you're allowed to have until you tell me your nightmare," Natasha snatched the flask back. I was too slow to even think about grabbing it back. It was enough bribery for me to start talking straight away. Or enough vodka mixed with painkillers making my tongue loose.
"I dreamt of Riley," the tears gathered as soon as I said his name. "He was alive, I was pregnant and so happy. Then it all fell apart. Yelena stabbed him."
Natasha wordlessly handed the flask back to me. I took a big swig to give myself some courage to continue. Her arm came to rest around my waist and she pulled me in close to her body.
"Everyone around me was dead," I sniffed. "You, Jared, Clint, just everyone I know and love. She taunted me about not using my powers."
Natasha hugged me even harder. Her head came to rest on my shoulder. I closed my eyes and took in a few shuddering breaths.
"I couldn't move. It was like watching him die all over again. I was just there as a passenger unable to do anything," a few tears slipped out despite my best attempts to hold them back. I quickly scrubbed them away. "She shot him and there wasn't a fucking thing I could do."
"You win," Natasha said quietly. She buried her head into my shoulder before giving me another tight hug. I held onto her in our awkward embrace as much as I could. "Your dream sucks way more than mine."
I let our a short laugh and shook my head. I took another swig of vodka before handing the flask back to Natasha.
"We're all so fucked up aren't we?" I reached up to wipe my face again. I had no doubts there'd be a nurse come storming down the hall soon and berate me for being out of bed. I really didn't want to cause a drama with someone seeing me crying and thinking it was from pain.
"Yeah but we're all fucked up together," Natasha paused to take a long drink from her flask. "At least we still have each other."
"That we do."
Our little circle of support meant more to me than I could ever put into words.
"Does it get any easier?" I asked quietly. I hated and appreciated all at the same time that this mission wasn't just rough for me. We were all struggling with inner demons on this.
"No," Natasha cocked her head to the side and looked at me. I held her gaze as her green eyes swept over my face, as if searching for an answer. "But you learn to live with it. Some days are good. Others are shit. But we have each other for the days that are shit."
"And today is definitely shit," I reached for the flask again. Natasha looked at me and then back to the flask pursing her lips. It took a long moment for her to reach down and pull another flask out that was strapped to her ankle. She handed me the one that we'd already been drinking out of. It was nearly empty. But vodka and painkillers were going to knock me on my ass if I had to stand up anytime soon. I didn't need much more alcohol.
"Today is really shit and it's only just started," Natasha took a swig from her new flask. "I really don't want to go to California. But I think its part of Coulson's master plan to keep me out of sight until a few more fires have been put out."
"I really don't want you to go either," the pang of loneliness hit me again. "Do you know what you're doing yet?"
"Going undercover at Stark Industries," Natasha pulled a disgusted face. "He's being reckless and overly so. Fury thinks something is going on and needs eyes on him."
"Poor you," I wrinkled my nose as well. "You're really getting a spanking from the parents aren't you?"
"Just wait until you see what flights Coulson is going to give you when you get back," Natasha looked at me with pity. "You're going to be glad its summer because you'll be do supply drops to the ends of the Earth."
"I guess the Siberia run is calling me name," I held back my groan. I shouldn't complain. I could be in a lot more trouble than just a chewing out from Coulson. If he wanted me to do supply drops for the next 6 months then I'd do supply drops for the next 6 months. I wanted to stay in his good books more than ever. An angry Coulson was not something I wanted to see again any time soon.
"Is Laura speaking to you yet?" Natasha's next question made me sigh heavily.
Laura wasn't just pissed at Clint, she was pissed at all of us. She was furious at Jared for being such a moron and going off on his own. Natasha and I were just getting the frosty treatment because she thought one of us might have given her a heads up at least. Her and Clint had a full blown argument that turned into yelling and Laura storming out sometime while I was unconscious. What was actually said was a mystery to anyone, except Clint and Laura. But it'd been one hell of an argument according to Mom who came in just as Laura walked out. Laura had been very scarce in her visits. Natasha would bring the kids up to see us instead of Laura.
"Not really, I got a text yesterday and I woke up in the afternoon to see her leaving," I sighed. Causing problems with Laura and Clint was the last thing I wanted to do in this world. "I really want to apologise for everything, but I don't want to do it over text."
"She'll come around," Natasha looked like she was trying to convince herself of that as well. "She always does when we do something stupid."
Mom had said something similar when I talked to her about it. Here's hoping she managed to convince Natasha of the same thing. Mom had been spending a lot of time with Natasha since it all went down. Natasha had only been in hospital for a week until she was discharged. Not that they really needed to bother discharging her. Natasha spent more time here than she did at her own apartment. She'd only been back at work if she absolutely had to go in for something.
"What else is on your mind?" Natasha broke through my thoughts.
"I need to work on my poker face don't I?" I deflected with a half assed smile.
"So badly," Natasha smiled, the tension in her face easing a little. "So what's up?"
"I don't know why I didn't pull the trigger when I first saw her," there was no point lying to Natasha. Even sick and injured, she'd punch me in the face if I tried. "I could have shot her or used my powers. But I didn't. I just stood there and let my anger take over me, by then it was already too late."
"Because you're a good person," Natasha's answer made me stare at her. She just stared right back at me with a serious expression. "I'm not kidding Kari. You didn't shoot her because you aren't fucked up like the rest of us."
I opened my mouth to argue with her. But no words came out.
"You had a relatively normal life right until the second you got pulled into Fury's office and accepted his offer to join SHIELD," Natasha pressed on. "Killing a person shouldn't be the first thing comes to your mind in a situation like that. Somewhere in the back of your mind, whether you knew it or not at the time, would be telling you pulling that trigger isn't a good thing."
"Would you have hesitated?"
"No, because I had that trained out of me," Natasha took a quick drink from the flask. "In the Red Room we weren't allowed to have any sorts of friendship, but a general camaraderie wasn't exactly discouraged. It was a very strange line that we had. Yelena and I hated each other from the day we met. I would have gladly shot her many times over. Did I ever tell you about what they did before our final year of training?"
I shook my head. Natasha rarely spoke about the Red Room. Despite her telling me she didn't care if I read about it in her file, I'd never looked at it. It still felt like a breach of her privacy. From the bits and pieces I knew, I wasn't sure if I could stomach reading it all either.
"There was 50 of us left," Natasha stopped to take another drink. "One night they pulled 5 of us out of bed, threw a bag over our heads and shoved us into the back of a truck. We drove for hours, it was so long that even I lost count of how many hours passed."
Natasha had a far away look in her face as she spoke. I recognised that look a little too well. I'd caught myself doing it on more than one occasion. That look where you got so lost in a memory that everything else around you got drowned out to nothing.
"We were shoved out of the truck, a few bags thrown at us and then the instructors left," Natasha's voiced wavered a little. "We were dropped in the middle of nowhere. It was winter and none of us were dressed for the weather. In the bags there was enough supplies for one of us to survive and a gun with 4 bullets. The bag with the gun landed at my feet."
My stomach clenched at Natasha's words. I could easily see where this was going.
"I had no hesitation in shooting those other girls and making it back to the rendezvous point by myself. The only regret and disappointment I had was that Yelena wasn't in my group," Natasha looked so caught up in the memory. She shook her head a little. "When you've had to do that as a 13 year old, the lines kind of get blurred on how you feel on shooting your worst enemy in the back of the head after she tortures one of your closest friends."
"Have you ever wondered what your life would be if you hadn't been in the Red Room," I had nothing else to say at Natasha's story. She was right in the fact that our lives were so different. The different paths we'd taken made us such different people.
"Sometimes," Natasha's face turned a little wistful. "But it's only passing thoughts. If my life had taken a different path, I wouldn't be here right now."
Natasha gestured around the deserted corridor, a small smile graced her lips as she looked at me.
"Being here with you, Clint and Jared made all those years worth it," Natasha's quiet confession lightened my mood. "If I'd known the end result of all those years of pain, it would have made it easier. But we can't always see the end road, the journey might be bumpy but it'll get better."
The little smile on her face as contagious as I smiled back at her. It made me feel a lot better than I had when I woke up. Natasha always had the right words to make me feel like my life could go on. Everything wasn't fixed, but at least it wasn't that overwhelming feeling of helplessness from before.
"And anytime you're sitting there doubting you deserve to be part of STRIKE Team Delta, just remember this," Natasha looked at me, the smile playing on her lips even more. "I haven't been able to kill Yelena in the last 6 run ins with her. I'm Natasha Fucking Romanoff, the Black Widow, how do you think that makes me look?"
"No less terrifying," I chuckled quietly. I swear Natasha could read my mind sometimes. She was right. My poker face really sucked.
"From the little bits Jared remembers he said you stood your ground and were ready to fight your way out of there," Natasha looked so proud of me. "Thats a hell of a lot more than most people would do Kari. Especially in their first year of spy and assassin training 101."
That made me laugh a little. I couldn't believe that had slipped out. Clint's smart ass humour seemed to be rubbing off on me. The smile on Natasha's face dimmed a little as she watched my face carefully.
"We're ok," Natasha reached over pulled me into a tight hug. "All of us. No matter what we'll get through this."
"We will," I hugged her back just as hard. "Thank you. I needed a girl talk."
Not to mention I needed Natasha's no bullshit approach to life right now. She didn't lace the conversation with meaningless words or phrases. Everything was blunt and right to the point.
"Speaking of girl talk, is it bad all I want to do right now is get drunk and find someone for meaningless sex?" Natasha's abrupt change of subject gave me a small laugh. Especially knowing the path of conversation this was going to lead down.
"Nope not bad at all, I'll join you on the getting drunk part at least," I pulled back from our hug. "Maybe you should ask Sam again for the meaningless sex?"
"I have," Natasha looked a little guilty at her confession. "Several times now. But he's the type of guy who needs a nice girl who can give him a normal relationship. Not just me fucking him and kicking him out once I'm done. Besides, I think you need some meaningless sex right now too. It'd be good for you."
"I don't know if I'm ready for that," my smiled slipped away. It was only half a lie. Mentally I couldn't wrap my head around having sex with someone else. But my body was definitely ready for some action again. After going from a very healthy sex life to nothing, my body was starting to protest quite heavily at the severe lack of action these days. Maybe soon, but not right now.
"I'll continue having sex for both of us then," Natasha chuckled quietly. She took another sip from the flask, tipping her head back a lot further than before.
I loved Natasha with things like this. As pushy as she could be, she always knew when to not pursue a subject. I thought she might have tried to push a little harder about this.
"Sam must have thought all his birthdays had come at once," I gave Natasha a gentle nudge with my elbow. "What made you go there?"
"I blame it all on those shots at first," Natasha outright grinned. All the tension from earlier melted from her face. "I wasn't expecting anything out of the ordinary except a messy drunken fumble, but fuck me he was incredible."
"Come on, you can't tell me he was incredible without giving any details," I repeated the same thing she threw at me when she wanted to know about Riley and I.
"Most guys that know me are so intimidated that they can barely function," Natasha smirked. "I kissed him and at first he didn't know what the hell to do. So I went to walk away to find someone else. Next thing I know he's got me pinned up against the wall, kissing me."
A faint scattering of pink dusted Natasha's cheeks as she sat there smirking.
"Under that goofy personality, he's rather dominant in bed," Natasha laughed as she fanned herself. "And an absolute god with his tongue. He's drive me right to the edge of the brink, leave me hanging and do it all over again until he had me begging. I've never cum so hard in my life. Next time he's in gym clothes, check out everything below the belt. He's rather gifted in that area too."
"Oh my god," I broke down into giggles, burying my face my hands. The solemn mood of before suddenly forgotten. "I didn't need to know the last part. How do you think guys get so good with their tongues? Riley was amazing at going down on me as well, he'd happily do it for hours."
My own cheeks warmed at that line of memories. There were so many happy memories attached to our bedroom activities. It was nice to remember something about Riley and not feel the pang of sadness that so often came with his name.
"I actually have no idea," a thoughtful look crossed Natasha's face. "You hear them bragging about sex all the time. But I don't actually think I've heard guys sitting there swapping tips about how to get girls off."
"Porn?" I suggested.
"When was the last time you watched porn?" Natasha snorted. "Its most definitely not geared towards the woman getting off."
"Probably the last time someones phone was being passed around in the locker room and it got accidentally handed to me," I laughed. That had been funny. It was one of the guys on Charlie team who'd handed the phone to me without looking who he was handing it to. It wasn't until I burst out laughing he actually noticed who had the phone. "I have to say I'm not really a visual person, you've seen my collection of erotic novels."
"You have best collection of trashy novels," Natasha laughed with me. "I need to do another swap. I've read all of the ones I borrowed last time. Want me to bring some over?"
"Oh yeah because I really want to be sitting there reading sex novels in the same room as Hawk and my brother," I wrinkled my nose at her offer. "I don't even get any privacy in the shower."
I'd fainted in the shower not long after I woke up, giving myself a good crack on the head. Ever since then I hadn't been allowed to shower unless someone was in the room with me. Most of the time it was Natasha or Mom, but there'd been a few times nurses insisted I shower right there and then. I hated it with a passion. I was an adult and being treated like I couldn't do something as simple as take a shower drove me insane.
"I promise I'll turn my back if you need some alone time in the shower," Natasha's smirked again. "I'll even put in earphones and bring you a vibrator if you want."
"Best wingman ever," I raised my flask to Natasha. "Tell me more about Sam."
As our flasks clinked together, footsteps could be heard coming down the corridor. We were isolated down here for security purposes. The only people to come by were visitors or medical staff. Natasha and I both looked towards the sound. It was one of the younger doctors who was a regular on night shifts. Balanced in front of him was a tray of Starbucks and I spied a paper bag in his other hand.
"Are you here to kick me out again Greg?" Natasha flashed a charming smile. Her movements of hiding the flask were too quick for a normal person to follow. The one I had quickly got dropped behind my back while Greg was giving Natasha a long, suffering look of despair. He couldn't hold it for long though. A few seconds later a smile was playing over his face.
"Yes because it works so well every other time. This time I thought I'd try another approach," Greg lifted the tray of Starbucks a little. "Bribery."
"Bribery is always appreciated," Natasha's flirty smile immediately softened the look on Greg's face even further.
"And you should be in bed," Greg turned to me. His eyes flicked downwards to my lap. I'd completely forgotten about my P30 being there. "But I have a feeling you're just like your friend, so I brought you a hot chocolate as well."
"Does it have marshmallows?" I asked trying not to grin too much. It seems someone knew me a little better than expected.
"It has marshmallows and whipped cream," Greg seemed rather pleased with himself. He lowered himself onto the ground, setting the drinks tray in front of us. "And I brought brownies as well."
The bag in his other hand was set next to the tray. I reached over and grabbed the bag. I would never say no to brownies. Whether they be home cooked or store brought. My appetite had been all over the place this week. Some days I'd be starving and other days I'd barely stomach jello. I took a brownie out, taking a tentative bite. The perfect combination of gooey chocolate and crunch melted in my mouth. My stomach didn't protest about it either. I devoured the rest of the brownie in 2 bites.
"Yum," I reached in the bag for another one, scoffing it down as well. "Where did these come from?"
"I made them," Greg smiled over at me looking very pleased with himself. "When I'm stressed or procrastinating I bake. It doesn't do my waistline any good."
"You can't tell," the words fell out of my mouth before I could stop them. Next to me Natasha snickered at my lack of brain to mouth filter. It must be the vodka kicking in. Greg looked very fit under his clothes. Not in the insane way like most of the STRIKE guys were. But someone who definitely looked after his body. Combined with really dark brown hair and grey eyes, I'd consider him cute. He'd be in his late 20's or very early 30's.
"That's because he does cycling marathons," Natasha filled in. She had a little smirk on her face as she watched me out of the corner of her eye.
"And this just proves how many times I've come down here to find you after visiting hours," Greg shook his head, though he looked amused. "But yes I do marathons. It's my other stress relief. What are you ladies talking about?"
"Sex," Natasha said without any hint of embarrassment. "Wondering how guys actually learn to be good in bed."
"Practice," Greg laughed. He looked a little surprised at the bluntness of Natasha. "The same could be asked for girls."
"I don't think my opinion counts here," I took a sip of my hot chocolate. It went down just as easily as the brownie. "I've worked with all guys for too long. They seem to love describing things, especially blow jobs, down to the very last detail. Its pretty easy to perfect a technique."
"This is where I'm glad most of the guys at work are scared of me and I don't hear that," Natasha wrinkled her nose a little.
"Lucky you, I stick my hair up under a beanie and people who don't know me assume I'm just a skinny guy," I snorted in disgust. "The joys of having body like a pre pubescent boy."
"At least you have a pretty face," Greg looked like was regretting those words the second they left his mouth. "I mean you have a nice body too, but…."
Natasha and I both stared at him while he fumbled around trying to fix the situation. I was using every bit of self control I had no to laugh at him. Next to me Natasha was quivering from her own silent amusement.
"Yes you're thin but," Greg looked absolutely exasperated and really embarrassed. His entire face was going red as he looked between Natasha and I. "Fuck it, I'm just making this worse aren't I?"
Natasha and I nodded at the exact same time My face was starting to hurt from keeping my amusement contained. I cracked first, laughter spilling from my mouth. Natasha laughed only a second after me. It didn't help Greg, he only seemed to get more embarrassed as we laughed at him.
"Great," he grumbled. "I'm going to have to watch my back now aren't I? Otherwise one of you are going to sneak up behind me and strangle me with some dental floss."
"Nah dental floss isn't strong enough," Natasha stopped laughing and immediately gave him a serious expression. "Though if you were wearing a tie, I could use that."
"Sorry I'm only a lowly first year Resident," Greg didn't look at all relieved. "No tie until I actually finished my next thousand years of study and might actually become a Doctor before I turn 50."
"And be in debt until you're 100," I tried to lighten the mood. The poor guy might actually spend the rest of our hospital stay looking over his shoulder otherwise.
"I'm going to need to work until I'm 100 to pay off my student loans," Greg relaxed a little. Natasha buried her face in her own brownie and hot chocolate to hide a smug little smile. I'd have to harass her later about that smile. I had a feeling I'd just walked into something Natasha had been plotting.
"What are you going to specialise in?" I asked, curiosity starting to get the better of me. Greg was a fairly regular face, especially on the night shift. We had all the same doctors and nurses on rotation due to SHIELD needing to give them clearance to work with us.
"Orthopaedics," Greg reached into the paper bag and pulled out a brownie. "So another 5 years on top of the 8 years of study I've just done."
"So my brother's leg must fascinate you?" my question made Greg's face light up in obvious glee.
"The orthopaedic surgeon was nice enough to show me before and after x-rays," Greg tried to hide his enthusiasm. "I know its terrible what happened, but it was a fascinating break."
Greg launched into a detailed description about the mess made of Jared's ankle. It was fascinating and disgusting at the same time. Natasha looked a little green by the end of it. She had a weird thing about not handling broken bones or dislocations very well. Give the woman blood and guts and she wouldn't blink. Clint dislocating his finger was enough for her to run out of the room. Clint being the absolute shit he was liked to run after her waving the dislocated joint around too.
The conversation turned from Jared's ankle to Greg asking about our plans for the 4th of July long weekend. Mine were simple. Sleeping in my own bed and finishing the bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue I had in the cupboard. Natasha's plans were to join me in both things except with a bottle of vodka. Greg looked like he was having so many thoughts running through his head while we casually talked about sharing a bed and getting drunk together. His own plans were rather normal. If he wasn't working he was heading down to Richmond, Virginia where his parents and oldest sister lived. He was the youngest of the 4 children. His middle sister lived in Europe and wouldn't be home until Christmas. His older sister was the family wildcard about whether she'd be there or not. Apparently her job, whatever the hell it was as Greg referred it, at NASA could keep her busy for months. She'd get too wrapped up her work and forget about the outside world. It had something to do with Engineering in Cleveland.
It was so nice to talk to someone normal and outside of SHIELD. Greg was actually quite funny. He had a quick wit about him too, making his comebacks as sharp as Natasha. Between the three of us, the conversation flowed easily. From Greg's family to us describing bits of our job in SHIELD, there was a good range of topics. The hours just fell away without me noticing. It was 0530 by the time my body decided it couldn't stay awake any longer. I'd polished off half the bag of brownies and even all the sugar in them couldn't keep me awake. I was dead on my feet by the time Natasha and Greg both helped me back into my bed. I'm sure I fell asleep before my head hit the pillow.
I woke up what felt like only a few hours later with the sound of a keyboard tapping near my head. Blinking sleepily I opened my eyes to see the back of Mom's MacBook near my face. She was frowning intently at the screen as her fingers flew over the keyboard.
"Morning, or should I say afternoon?" Mom didn't look up from her work.
"Really?" I squinted as I fumbled for my phone. It was 1422. Well, fuck me. I'd slept for hours. Beside me Clint and Jared were playing a noisy game of Modern Warefare. Neither of them had noticed me awake yet. They were too busy cussing each other out creatively in Russian for Clint and Icelandic for Jared.
"You have something there as well," Mom glanced up at me with a little smirk on her face. She pointed towards the bedside table. I rubbed my eyes before focusing on what Mom was pointing to. It was a paper bag with a post-it note stuck on it.
'Thought you might want some more of these. I'm on night shift again if you need someone to talk to. Greg.'
Underneath it was a cell number. I could feel my cheeks warming up as I read the note. I snatched the bag up quickly and opened it. Sure enough, there was more brownies in there. Judging by the bag feeling a little warm, they were very fresh too.
"He was quite lovely," Mom closed her laptop, the smirk on her face growing even more. "He said you couldn't sleep last night so he kept you company until you were ready to go back to bed."
"Natasha was there as well," I quickly defended my actions. "Neither of us could sleep, so he brought us hot chocolate and brownies."
"I know she was, I was only teasing you," Mom's face softened. "Natasha was asleep in the bed with you when I came in this morning. Rough night?"
"A little," I didn't bother lying. My head was too foggy to get away with it. I rubbed my eyes again and stretched out on the bed. My joints and muscles protested against the movement. I usually had 2 physiotherapy sessions a day, but no one had woken me for the morning one. I wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing. I wasn't sore from the workout the physio made me do, but I was sore from not stretching out my muscles. As I twisted making various joints pop, something caught my eye. A stack of boxes against the wall with a SHIELD logo on them caught my eye. "What are those?"
"The boxes?" Mom's smirk came back. "Those are for all of you, starting as of tomorrow. Coulson thought it you had the energy to sit up half the night talking, then you can start doing some data entry to keep you amused."
Of course he did. I couldn't hold back my irritated sigh. I guess this was the start of my punishment. I might not even see the inside of a Quinjet for the next 6 months if Coulson was going to saddle me with paperwork.
I suppose it could always be worse. My eyes pulled back to the paper bag with the bright pink post-it note. I found myself smiling looking at it. Yep, things really could be much worse. At least now I'd have a regular supply of brownies for however long I was still stuck in hospital for.
Authors Note
Sorry for the late update everyone! Its only going to get worse from now on. I start my new job as of next Wednesday, yay! But my writing time will be cut back.
I'm also doing NaNoWriMo, which is a writing competition in November to do 50k words for the month. At the moment I'm tossing up between an original idea which is basically an 'End of the world' type deal OR writing a pre Crystallize fic for Jared about his time at the SHIELD Academy. I'd love to get some feedback from you guys about it.
I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter. As always I love your you so much to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I'm blown away by the response and the amount of reviews I've gotten. Over 200 now. It's just amazing. When I'm having a motivational slump I do go back through and re-read them. Your feedback really keeps me going.
Until next time!