TW: feelings of shame; mild dissociation
"Christopher… Weren't you the one giving me a hard time about staring at a girl?" Now that Eugene knew Kristoff's secret he teased him every chance he got.
"Well, it worked out for you, didn't it?"
"Yeah, I mean, she couldn't take her eyes off me, could she?" he asked with batting lashes. The three of them looked over to the girls' table, and Anna and Rapunzel were deep in conversation, unaware that they were being spied upon.
"She's just too nice to know better," teased Sven. Eugene tossed a chip at him and the three laughed.
"Hey! I mean, she is really nice. And sweet, and caring, and did I mention sweet?"
"Yes!" Kristoff and Sven said together. They listened to Eugene recite Rapunzel's virtues daily ever since he asked her to the dance.
"But you know, Anna did shove her boyfriend against the wall after he punched you. And then she ripped him a new one in front of everyone." said Sven.
Kristoff couldn't tell Sven and Eugene about all of Anna's little secret gestures that gave away her true heart. Sven's case was stronger than he realized.
"Not that you needed Anna to handle him for you, right, Christopher?" Eugene asked, and he lightly punched Kristoff's arm. Kristoff glared at him and Eugene quickly and nervously backed away.
"Yeah, you could totally take Hans!" Sven added.
Kristoff ignored them and fixed his gaze on Anna again. His new friends didn't need to know what he was capable of, and he didn't want to think about his time in the forest.
Suddenly Hans appeared and kissed Anna's cheek as he sat down at the table. It had been two weeks since the dance and Anna was still giving him the cold shoulder, but he kept making attempts at affection. Kristoff wondered what she even saw in him. He was so shallow and weak and crude. He was exactly the opposite of Anna. After watching them together for just a few seconds he could tell that Hans didn't even know Anna half as well as Kristoff did, and Anna wasn't going to let him know her that much, either.
"Yeah, and she almost broke up with him. You heard her. She gave him a warning. That's promising, isn't it?" suggested Sven.
"Hmmm… um… almost broke up with him. I mean, are we really counting that as a win?" Eugene spoke in a higher pitch, indicating that it wasn't actually a question. "More like almost a win?"
Kristoff said a few choice words in Northuldran to Eugene, and quickly got up to walk around outside.
He still couldn't believe how Anna stood up for him at the dance. It wasn't all about him, of course, because Hans was drunk and didn't even ask her to dance once, and she probably had other grievances, too. But if she didn't do it for Kristoff, why did she speak to him in Northuldran with her lilting accent, a sound he'd give anything to hear again? And she spoke those words readily after she asked him to keep it a secret. She had her reasons, whatever they were, but she risked it for Kristoff anyway. And she didn't hesitate to tell Hans something that would reveal something so personal about herself to Kristoff, who was the only person that would know the significance of Anna knowing that. She wasn't ready to let Kristoff in anymore than she already had, but she did it so easily.
Anna knew things about Northuldran culture that most people didn't know unless they were from the Northern Mountains. Most Arendellians thought they never married and just lived "in sin" with whoever they felt like whenever they felt like it. The truth was that marriage was very sacred and personal to Northuldrans and they didn't have huge celebrations like the Arendellians and Coronans. They had private ceremonies between two star mates chosen by Ahtohallan. It was also true that they didn't have divorce. Not that there weren't challenges, but knowing that they were meant for each other almost always won in the end. And if the couple couldn't work it out, they went their separate ways. Once two people were formally joined as star mates in front of Ahtohallan, they never remarried, not even if their star mates died or they separated.
Kristoff was in awe of her strength, grace, and selflessness. Even though she didn't break up with Hans, she let Kristoff know that she cared about him a lot more than he thought, a lot more than she meant for him to know, and a lot more than Hans suspected. His cheeks burned at every new piece of information in support of Anna's feelings for him, while his heart burned at the sight of her smile.
"Oh! Kristoff, sorry," Anna said after she bumped into him. Then she scrambled for her books that fell to the ground.
"Oh, no, it's ok." He bent down to help her collect them. "There's no problem," he said in Coronan and he smiled at her.
"Thanks." Anna started to rush off, but Kristoff stopped her.
"Wait, Anna," he said in Arendellian. "Wait, I just want to say 'thanks' for defending me like that at the dance. You're so brave and strong."
She was taken by Kristoff's words and paused for a moment to beam dreamily at him until she got flustered and her beautiful cheeks turned pink.
Kristoff's heart fluttered as he watched her walk away. He wondered whether Hans really knew what a treasure she was.
After the dance, Hans was extra sweet and attentive, and he even came to volunteer with Anna for a few hours on a couple of Saturdays. She ultimately chalked his behavior up to jealousy, which she didn't like, but she could at least understand his actions through that lens. She loved him, after all, and she wanted to give him a chance. But she started to like him less and less. She never realized how shallow he was before, how gross his sense of humor was, how prejudiced. She might have been able to get over the first two, but ever since he made that comment about Northuldrans at the dance (" people like him "), she couldn't stop honing in on everything he said that was just a little off.
His parents were from the Southern Islands and Anna had heard them and some of his older brothers make subtle comments about Northuldrans before. And a couple of his brothers were even posted in the Runeardean army. It always bothered her, but Hans never seemed to share their prejudice so she stuffed it in a box and trusted that he wasn't like them. But ever since the dance, Hans started to repeat some of his parents' comments about refugees in general, knowing that Anna was a refugee. He claimed that she was different because she came to Corona when she was so young that she'd basically grown up Coronan. But this wasn't the comfort to Anna he thought it was.
The truth was that Anna really was a refugee. Her family moved to Corona as a matter of survival. But Hans never thought to ask her about her life before Corona, not that she would have told him anyway. It never bothered her until he invalidated everything she'd gone through while he made fun of the people that gave up everything and risked their lives to come to Corona. They were trying to get away from the prejudice that Hans so easily flung in their direction, as though that same prejudice didn't lead to the horrors committed in the names of King Runeard and Queen Rita.
On the last day of term, Hans and Anna sat together in the lunchroom. He was headed to the Southern Islands early the next morning, so it was their only chance to say goodbye. "I'm sorry, Baby, but this trip has been booked for like six months, and I haven't been able to see my grandparents in like a year or something. I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"I can't believe you're actually going to the Southern Islands." He kissed her cheek as though Anna was just upset about missing him.
It was easier to overlook Hans' flaws since she was so ashamed of herself for giving him a reason to doubt her. The truth was that she and Kristoff weren't even dancing, she moved herself closer to him, he leaned over to whisper an intimate promise in her ear, and she opened up to him in a way she shouldn't have, especially since she hadn't even opened up like that to her own boyfriend. She might have even kissed him if Hans hadn't interrupted their conversation. She honestly didn't know if she would have gone through with it. So she deserved to feel ashamed, and she deserved to be with someone like the person Hans had finally revealed himself to be. She made a box for all the things she didn't like about Hans, which helped, even though she had to keep adding memories to it every day. After a few weeks all the things that bothered her didn't seem like a big deal anymore.
"It's ok. They live on one of the southernmost islands, and it's neutral. There's no fighting there or anything. So it'll be safe."
He was a Southern Islander, so of course he'd be safe. He didn't even understand why it bothered her. She stuffed that in Hans' box so she could deal with it later.
Anna followed Hans' eyes as his head turned to Kristoff, whose own head turned away quickly. Then Hans kissed Anna more passionately than he had ever kissed her before. Anna tried to pull away but he held her face to his. The other students stopped what they were doing and all said, "Ooooooooohhhhhhh!" Anna flushed with embarrassment and she floated above her body, which was so filled with shame there wasn't room for her spirit.
"Just, maybe, don't kiss anyone else for New Year's, hmmm?" Hans said and suavely kissed her hand. He could barely keep his eyes on her and eventually they shifted in Kristoff's direction again. It made her skin crawl, and she couldn't get the feel of his lips from her hand no matter how hard she scrubbed them.
"Of course not!" Anna didn't turn her head to follow his, but he knew who he was talking about.
After Hans left, Eugene, who was sitting with them and witnessed the whole thing, raised his finger to talk.
"Eugene, did you steal that apple?" Rapunzel asked in a voice of mock disappointment.
"What apple? Where? Who? What?" He playfully hid it behind his back.
Rapunzel smiled patiently and held her hand out. "Eugene.."
"What? I stole it for you, Blondie." He leaned over for a chaste kiss as he placed the apple in her hand. "But seriously, Hans was just gonna throw it away. And it matches your eyes."
Rapunzel and Anna cackled. The green apple matched her eyes perfectly.
"Speaking of Hans… Tell me, Red, what do you even see in him, anyway?"
"Eugene!" Rapunzel slapped his thigh.
"Owwww! Jeez! Come on, it's a legit question!"
"Hans is nice and sweet and he loves Anna. I mean, you saw that kiss, right?" Rapunzel asked.
"Um, yeah. All that," was all Anna could say. Her spirit hadn't fully returned to her body yet, and she was still in a shock.
"No, but really. Cause he just doesn't really seem to listen to you at all. And I'm no expert, but that didn't really sound very nice the way he had to tell you not to cheat on him? I mean, that was literally the last thing he said to you before going away for a month. And you didn't seem really into that kiss, you actually seemed embarrassed."
"Eugene!"
"Whoa! Blondie! Clearly you have some impressive skills that might come in handy later."
He winked at her and smiled affectionately. "Eugene!" she whispered, enjoying his attention, "not in front of Anna…" Her cheeks were as pink as the dress she wore to the dance.
Anna felt ashamed for being used like that, even though she knew she deserved it, but she felt even more ashamed that Kristoff saw her being used that way. She didn't mean to, but she looked in his direction and caught his eye. He winked at her and she looked down immediately, flustered and biting her smile. Kristoff didn't think she had anything to be ashamed about, and he immediately moved a giant weight from her back so she could stand up a little straighter. Hans' jealous display meant nothing when Kristoff smiled at her like that.
She hoped that after the fall term ended and Hans went out of town things would settle down, and she wouldn't have to worry about avoiding Kristoff all the time. But it seemed like Kristoff found every possible way he could to insert himself into her life. He even started volunteering at the refugee camp, and he came everyday, for the whole day, not just a few hours one or two days of the week, like Hans had. Of course Agnarr was ecstatic and instantly found a way for him to help that involved all the heavy lifting that was hard for him. Hans had worked hard to get back into Anna's good graces, but Kristoff worked five times harder than that just to get a few moments of her attention.
While Anna added the things she didn't like about Hans to her boxes, Kristoff kept knocking the rest of them off the shelves. She let herself get too close to him in those five minutes they danced together, she had allowed him to really know her, at least part of her. And now he knew things about her that no one else knew. Some things she told him at the dance, but there were some things he observed that no one else had ever been able to detect. Ever since he told her that she didn't have to hide, the boxes weren't stacked in the closet as neatly as they were before. She didn't have the patience to reorganize so she avoided her closet now more than ever. She made a box for Kristoff, too, but somehow it never made it to the closet, and Anna never got around to making the lid.
"Why don't you just volunteer with her?" suggested Sven.
"Yeah, we'll come with you..," Eugene offered, "the first day."
"You just want to be with Rapunzel."
"Maybe… or maybe I'm just a good friend!"
Kristoff and Sven exchanged glances and chuckled.
"Fine! Maybe I want to see Rapunzel and be a good friend?"
They chuckled again, but Kristoff really did appreciate his support.
Kristoff never approached Anna at the refugee camp, but he couldn't help watching her whenever he wasn't occupied with tasks that required concentration. It was as though he had looked at nothing else since the dance. He couldn't help it, though, because she dazzled him. Ahtohallan's light shone on her from every direction. She nearly blinded him, but still he couldn't look away. Then he hurt himself because he wasn't paying attention to what he was doing.
There were five other volunteers, plus Agnarr and Alex, there that day, and the only one that was busy was Anna. He sat under the tree, trying not to get blood on his clothes, until she was free.
"Anna, do you have any bandages? I cut myself carrying the box."
Anna was extremely concerned and immediately took his hand to examine the wound.
"There's a first aid kit in my dad's car."
Kristoff followed her blinding light and she opened the hatch back so he could sit.
"You have to be more careful," she said, giving him a stern look. Then she gently dabbed some rubbing alcohol to the wound and he winced.
She flashed her eyes at him while the alcohol dried. "I'm sorry, but I need to clean it out so it doesn't get infected."
"It's ok. I can take it." It really did hurt, but Anna's care and concern took away all his pain.
"Wait, what did you do when you got hurt in the forest?"
"Oh, um, there's this stuff from the tree that helps with that." He hoped she didn't ask him anymore questions about his time there. He wasn't ready to talk about it, just as she wasn't ready to talk about her past.
She stopped what she was doing and smiled gently, as though she understood.
"Ok! Good as new!" She smiled like he hadn't seen since the dance, and it gave him hope. "Try to be more careful next time?"
"Ok, Anna. I will." He didn't mean to, but he winked at her. She turned red and walked away quickly while Kristoff yelled out "Thank you!" He cringed and rubbed his eyes, annoyed with himself for making her uncomfortable, and for causing her to walk away and end the conversation so suddenly. It was the most they had spoken since the dance, and it would probably be a while before he got another chance like that.
Anna had half a mind to leave the new year's eve festival early but this was the first time her father allowed Alex to stay late to watch the fireworks, and he would only be allowed to do so if Anna was with him. Her palms sweated uncomfortably, knowing that Rapunzel would soon show up towing Euegene in hand, along with Sven and Kristoff.
"Did you know that yellow is my least favorite color?" Alex asked Anna, who was lying next to him on the ground watching the clouds pass.
"Oh really? I thought it was chartreuse." Anna yawned but was wide awake when Kristoff suddenly appeared above her.
"No! Chartreuse is my favorite color, silly!"
The last light of the day lit up Kristoff's silhouette, and Anna's pupils dilated dramatically. She was glad to be lying down so she didn't have to worry about losing her balance.
"Can we sit here?" Kristoff asked in Arendellian.
"Yuh-huh!" Alex said, and Sven sat next to him on the red and white checkered blanket.
"Anna? Is it ok?" Anna sat up a little and nodded. Kristoff's smile caught her off guard and she didn't trust herself to say anything. Every part of her body was giving off a different feeling and she was having trouble understanding exactly what was going on.
Eventually she calmed down, and they ended up talking for hours until the new year's bell rang. She told him a little bit about the Corona new year traditions, and he told her about some Northuldran traditions.
"Northuldrans don't really celebrate the new year, at least we don't think about years the same way."
"What way then?" Anna was fascinated to learn more.
"We celebrate the solstices and equinoxes, and the new moons."
Ding, ding
"Sorry, just a second."
H: Happy new year, Baby!
A: Happy new year, Hans!
She put her phone away. "Sorry about that."
"It's ok." He wasn't upset, he was understanding, and Anna relaxed.
"So how do you celebrate?"
"We have ceremonies to honor Ahtohallan. Beautiful ceremonies, actually."
Anna's heart ached that he might never be able to celebrate those holidays again, at least not how he used to. She remembered how ashamed she was that he had to suffer so much when she hadn't, but it wasn't as much shame as she expected to feel.
Ding, ding
Anna rolled her eyes. "Sorry. Just a second."
H: Staying out of trouble?
Anna's cheeks turned a bright red.
"Vermillion! That 's my favorite color!" Alex added, pointing at his sister.
Anna noticed that Kristoff shot Alex a look and held his finger to his lips to let him know he shouldn't comment anymore, but that only made it feel worse. She felt like a criminal talking to Kristoff while Hans was expecting her to "stay out of trouble." And now Kristoff was defending her as though she deserved it.
But she and Kristoff were just talking. Was that wrong? Was it not ok to talk to Kristoff? She had no idea how to respond to Hans. She was wracked with guilt, trying to find a way to tell him that she was cheating on him.
"Hey, look, it's a new moon tonight," Kristoff said. Just as it had at the dance, his smile halved all her shame from Hans' accusations. She wondered if he somehow knew he had that gift. Did it work on other people, too, or was it just for her?
A: yes
Ding, ding
An awkward silence fell on the checkered blanket.
Anna rolled her eyes and checked her phone. Seeing that it was Hans again, she didn't even bother to read the message.
"No, yesterday was the new moon," Alex chimed in.
"No, yesterday was the last moon," Kristoff answered.
"But you can't see new moons. And that's a crescent!" He pointed emphatically at the sky.
"Oh, well, Northuldrans call this a new moon. The new moon is the first day it shines light on us."
Alex rolled his eyes and went back to his conversation with the others.
Anna smiled at the very slight crescent. "It must be good luck to have a new moon for the new year."
Kristoff chuckled, "Yeah, I'm sure of it." He was almost as charming as he was at the dance, but Anna sensed he held back a little out of respect for her boundaries.
Anna's heart rate picked up again as everyone stood up to count down to the new year. She couldn't look at Kristoff, though she knew he kept glancing at her every so often. The fireworks were so loud, and it was too much, but Kristoff standing so close to her was more. Anna felt like she was underwater again, and everything and everyone was moving so slowly. She thought she might drown until someone held her hand.
"Anna? Is it ok?" she heard Northuldran being whispered into her ear. Kristoff's voice was clearer than the new year's bell, despite the muted chaos all around her.
She turned her head in the direction of the voice and through the water she could see the new moon, highlighted gold, in Kristoff's eyes, and it was so bright, even through the distortion of the water.
"Anna?" he asked again. The water drained, but her ears throbbed. He was so gentle and patient. He didn't try to force it, and she could see that he would drop her hand without question if she said 'no'.
Finally, she nodded and he kissed her hand, his eyes fixed on hers the whole time. Suddenly Anna's ears stopped ringing and everything disappeared except Kristoff, the moon, and a golden star-shaped firework that suddenly burst above them.
"Ahtohallan smiles at us," he said in Northuldran. Anna felt drawn to Kristoff's smile, glowing from the light of the moon, and stepped closer to him so he could circle her waist like he had at the dance. Her knees felt weak so she squeezed her grip on his hand. When she realized, she shook her head and retracted her hand. Her whole body was swollen with guilt and shame.
Anna had to get away from his smile before he had the chance to wink at her. She didn't even bother saying goodbye to anyone. She just grabbed Alex's hand and said they were going to miss their curfew if they didn't leave right away.
As soon as she got home she looked at Hans' text.
H: "I love you!"
She panicked for a moment. Then she typed out a response, then retyped it, then retyped it again, then stared at it, then retyped it again. Finally she turned it off and put it in her nightstand drawer. She'd think about it after the sun woke her the next day.
She hugged her arm close to her that night but did everything she could not to touch the top of her hand where Kristoff's lips lingered. She couldn't sleep from worrying that if she accidentally touched her hand it would be like Kristoff had kissed her somewhere less innocent, and that would be cheating. Why would she have let him kiss her hand like that? It wasn't cheating, was it? It was just a hand. But she gave him permission. And Hans would probably be upset if he found out. The shame and guilt flooded her until she felt underwater again, though her face burned at the thought of Kristoff's imaginary kisses that hadn't even happened.
Eventually, though, the pain from resistance outweighed the shame, and she touched her hand, exactly where Kristoff had kissed her, to her cheek. Then she touched it to her lips, and again, and again, then she recreated every detail of his mouth in her mind, the feel of the slightly wet warmth from his lips and the scratchy stubble from his chin made the feeling so real. Then she kissed it again until her desire grew so great that nothing else mattered. She closed her eyes and she touched herself in a way she had never needed to before. The feeling of being under water completely disappeared with Kristoff's hands being so close to her until she was drenched in sweat but so comfortable and at peace. The faint glow of the new moon shone on Anna as she drifted to sleep with Kristoff's kiss at her lips, dreaming that Kristoff laid next to her in her bed, circling his arms around her while his pillowy lips coated her cheeks. "It's just a hand" echoed in her ears with each kiss, and each kiss chipped away at her shame just a little.