—I think I need a relaxing soak in the tub. —I say to myself as I breathe shakily, looking up at the gym ceiling.
Our encounter has been exciting indeed. And I am literally out of strength for absolutely nothing. Not even for wild sex. I've never trained like I have today. After ending our encounter, which ended with him obviously winning me, I dropped to the padded floor of the gym. I don't know how long I've been here. I only know that my heart is still not recovered.
—Exhausted? —Christian asks me, coming to my side and blocking the view of the ceiling with his face.
—Right now all I need is a massage.
—Let's take a relaxing bath, I've prepared the tub. —he says, holding out his hand to me.
—You read my mind. —I answer with a smile as I hold on to his hand and he helps me up.
—Can you walk? Or do you need help?
—I need help.
No, I don't. But there's nothing I'd like more than to be in his arms again like that night he rescued me. And without even giving me time, he lifts me into his arms, with a huge smile, and walks to his room.
The relaxing bath in the tub was all I needed. And so was the massage that followed. I lie in bed, resting as Christian disappears from the room. I think I can get used to this. A life like this, with massages when I want them, and delicious soaks in the tub, not to mention wonderful sex, is all I can wish for.
Christian brings lunch to bed and we spend the rest of the afternoon, naked and cuddling with nothing else to do, just caressing each other.
That afternoon, when we are getting dressed for the psychologist's appointment, I remember something important. Something I have to tell Christian, before we head there.
—Christian. —I call out to him as he comes out of the closet, buttoning his jeans.
For a moment I forget what I have to tell him as I admire his shapely body. I can't get enough of seeing him shirtless and admiring and touching every well sculpted muscle on his body. As I watch him put on and button up his shirt, again I remember what I should tell him.
—There is something I need to tell you before we leave.
I am dressed and sitting on the edge of the bed. Christian comes over to where I am and stops in front of me.
—You will say.
—I haven't told you where I know the psychologist from.
Christian stares at me.
—He's the one from the club, right? —he says as I nod slightly.
—How did you know? —I ask quietly.
—I guessed since you asked me to go to therapy to try to have a normal relationship.
—You're not upset?
—No.
—But you saw us Christian. You know what almost happened between us.
—But nothing happened Ana. Besides, I'm partly to blame for what happened that night. If I hadn't asked you to move forward with that lesson, nothing that happened at the club, or afterwards, would have happened.
—But won't it be awkward?
—You tell me. You didn't think about whether this would be awkward?
—No, I didn't.
And he's right. This is a bad idea. I shouldn't have made an appointment with the psychologist. This will be too awkward for all three of us, I know. I hide my face in my hands.
—This was a bad idea. —I say very quietly.
—Ana. —Christian caresses my face and takes it out of my hands. —I don't want you to feel that way, it's just a consultation, right?
—Yes. He told me he'd give us an evaluation and recommend one of his colleagues.
—Then I don't want you to feel that way. I just want you to think about us and that the consultation is to help us.
—Okay, I'll try.
—Well then, let's go out, I have a surprise for you after this.
—A surprise?
—Yes. And no, I won't tell you what it's about.
He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the apartment and into the subway garage. When we reach the parking lot, Christian pulls my hand towards his car and pulls up next to a sleek, overpriced cobalt blue sports car.
I look at the car and then at Christian.
—Is this your car? —I ask incredulously.
I see him pull a key fob out of his pocket and press a button. The sound echoes in the enclosed space, the lights flash and the doors lift elegantly. It's definitely his car. But then unwelcome images begin to flood my mind. Images of an unrecognizably shaped red car totally wrecked.
I've already ridden in Laura's car with him, but I'm not so sure I want to do it in a super sports car. So I let go of his hand and stop as he keeps walking.
—Is there a problem? —he asks me with a frown.
—It's a super sports car. —I say pointing to the car.
—Do you have something against sports cars? —on the contrary, I love them.
—I have a lot of appreciation for my life. I'm just starting to live. —I tell him as he walks in my direction and pulls me into his arms as he smiles at me.
—I have a lot of appreciation for my life too, besides, I'm not going to let anything happen to you. Don't you trust me?
—With my eyes closed. —I answer without even thinking about it.
—Well, let's go. —he says, holding out a hand for me to get into the elegant car.
—Definitely if you don't kill them with your seductive demeanor and your radiant smile, they will surely melt at your feet. —I tell him as I sit in the passenger seat.
I watch him turn the car around after closing my door. He sits behind the wheel and smiles at me.
—You're the first woman to get into this car. —he says to me as he closes his door and puts on his seat belt.
I do the same and put mine on. And then I think about what he just told me.
—Am I the first? —this is strange.
The car doesn't look new. How is it possible that I'm the first woman to get in it?
—Yes. —but his firm answer makes me not ask any more questions.
I trust him and that's enough.
I smile at him as he smiles back.
—Are you ready?
—Yes.
Christian starts the car and we slowly pull out of the parking lot. Christian drives as cautiously as ever. I glance briefly at his mileage counter. He hasn't gone over the speed limit. I don't understand why he has a super sports car if he drives it so precariously. It makes no sense at all.
We arrive at the address of the psychologist's office fifteen minutes before the scheduled time. Christian, like a gentleman, gets out, turns the car around and opens the door for me. He takes me by the hand and we walk towards the office.
Dr. William's office is in an apartment building used for other consultations as well. I follow the directions he gave me and we walk down the hallway to the door at the end where the door reads his name.
Christian knocks on the door and we wait.
A few seconds later the door opens and a young woman wearing glasses walks in.
—Do you have an appointment for today? —she asks as Christian and I look at each other.
—Yes. —I answer firmly. —Dr. William gave me an appointment for today at 6:00pm.
—Name.
—Ana Steele.
—Yes, she's listed here, and so is her date. Come on in.
We enter the room of the apartment which has been converted into a small reception for consultations.
—Sit down. The doctor is with a patient and you are next. —she tells us as she walks over to her desk.
Christian and I sit down on the couch at the far end of the room. Christian looks at me briefly and smiles before picking up a magazine from the coffee table in front of us.
—Really? —I say, raising an eyebrow.
—What, isn't that what everyone does while they wait?
I smile at him and shake my head as I do the same as him. I pick up a gossip magazine and start flipping through it but not really looking at anything at all. Flipping through this magazine makes me remember that Christian's life will change when the new issue of Men Fitness comes out.
The office door next to the desk opens and a young man steps out next to the doctor.
—Rachel, give Austin an appointment for 15 days, he's made good progress over the last few sessions.
—Your six o'clock appointment is already here. —she tells him as Dr. William turns to us.
He smiles at me when he sees me, but then I see his smile disappear when he sees who is standing next to me. Does he know him?
—Come in. —he says as he holds the door open for us.
We walk into the office holding hands and stop in the center of the room. There are several pieces of furniture, but I have no idea where we should sit.
—Sit on the couch. — he asks us as we make our way there.
He takes a seat across from us and looks at both of us alternately.
—When you told me you were bringing your boyfriend, I didn't imagine he was Christian Grey.
—I didn't think it had much relevance.
—It doesn't. I'm sorry. It's just that I'm a big fan and so is my mother. —he confesses with a smile.
—If you want, I can give you an autograph. —Christian says with a smile.
—Really? —says William in amazement. —That will be very nice, thank you.
Dr. William tears out a sheet of paper from his notebook and hands it and a pen to Christian.
—What is your mother's name?
Dr. William is thoughtful for a moment, not knowing what to say.
—It's to dedicate the autograph to her.
—Oh, yes. Adelin.
Christian writes something on the paper and then gives it all back to the doctor.
—Thank you very much. My mother will be delighted. —he puts the autographed paper aside.
He picks up a pair of glasses from the table and puts them on before turning to us again.
—Good. Now tell me in detail about the matter that brought you here.
I glance at Christian briefly. But I figure he's not going to say anything unless the doctor asks him directly. So I decide to speak as I intertwine my hand with his on his leg.
—We have a problem, a rather peculiar one, that we would like to solve so that we can have a normal relationship as a couple.
—I'm listening. —he says as he stares at both of us alternately.
—He doesn't sleep with anyone in bed. —I tell him while the doctor looks at me raising an eyebrow.
—When you say sleep, that's exactly what you mean, right?
—Yes.
—What exactly is the reason? — I'm about to answer, but the doctor raises his hand. —I want Christian to answer me.
—I don't sleep with anyone because I'm afraid of hurting her.
—Exactly how you would hurt her.
—I have vivid nightmares from time to time, I don't know exactly when they occur.
—And have you hurt anyone during these nightmares?
— Yes. I have. A long time ago.
—Have you hurt Ana? —I see the doctor clench the pen tightly in his hand.
Christian doesn't answer. He remains silent admitting and remembering, I imagine, the same thing I do. The bruises I have on my body.
—I need you to answer me, only then I can help you make an evaluation and recommend someone.
—Yes. I hurt her. But it wasn't during one of my nightmares. —the doctor raises an eyebrow waiting for him to continue explaining. —I lost control during sex and didn't control my strength.
The Dr. notes in his notebook and then looks up at us.
—Have you slept together? —and we have come to the reason why we are here.
—Yes.—I answer because we have, even though he says he won't do it again.
—Christian? —asks the doctor.
—No.—he answers very seriously.
Christian remains silent, staring straight ahead. He doesn't look at me. So he did lie to me. I was right this morning and I let him fool me.
—Why did you lie to her?
—Because I thought if I gave her what she wanted she wouldn't insist on therapy.
—You don't like therapy?
—Honestly doctor, I don't trust therapy. I've been to quite a bit and none of them could help me with my problem. —the doctor goes back to writing in his notebook and then stares at me.
—Ana, how do you feel about him lying to you?
—Disappointed. —that's all I answer as I let go of his hand and fold my arms.
Christian has disappointed me. I expected so much more from him than a lie to my face.
—What about you, Christian? Do you want to say something?
—I don't want to keep lying to her. But I don't want her to feel bad about our relationship either. I want to give her everything she wants and that only makes me feel bad that I can't do that. That's why I lied to her.
The doctor goes back to writing in his notebook. I didn't expect that answer from him.
—Have you tried sleeping with her? —he asks Christian.
—No.
William goes back to writing in his notebook. I glance briefly at Christian. I'm annoyed with him at the moment. And Christian hasn't tried to hold my hand again.
The doctor continues to ask Christian questions, about when his nightmares started, what happens when he has them, how he feels. And I listen to everything he answers.
—Well, I have a conclusion. I don't think they need couples therapy.
—Realy! —I say in amazement.
—As I see it, Christian is the one with the problem and he needs to deal with it in a different way than he's deal with it before. And I can help him.
—Different? —Christian asks.
—You! —I ask the doctor in amazement.
—Yes, I don't think you need me to refer you to another specialist. Even though I look young, I specialize in traumas like yours, and I'd be honored to help you through it.
—You are the specialist.
—Then I'll explain how we'll do this. We'll start with sessions twice a week, if that's okay with you on saturdays and wednesday at the same time.
—All right.
—At each session we will evaluate the progress you have made since the last session and every week I will give you a tip to put into practice. If you really want to solve your problem, you must do your part at all times.
—That's what I want most of all, to be able to solve everything. —he says as he looks in my direction.
—Very well. Then I think we're done for today. And as always, at the end of the session, I will give you my first piece of advice for you to put into practice starting today.
—I'm listening.
—I see that you are used to always being in control, and that must change starting today.
I can't believe what I'm hearing.
—I have never ceded control to anyone.
—Well, I recommend that you start doing it little by little, that you don't plan everything you do. Improvise and let yourself get carried away from time to time, let someone else make the decisions and take the consequences. You will feel less tense once you are not the one in control.
Christian has been pensive since we left Dr. William's office. I think he's mulling over everything the doctor has talked about in there.
And me, I'm still mad at him for lying to me. And honestly, I don't think Christian will make the level of commitment that is required to overcome his problem. Giving up control is not something he's very good at. He's let me take him on several occasions, but I don't think he's willing to do it all the time.
We get in the car, still in silence. He hasn't spoken and I don't plan to. So with my eyes straight ahead I look at everything and nothing in specific.
—I'm sorry Ana. I'm sorry I lied to you. —he says to me once the car is in traffic.
I look up at him. I can feel in the tone of his voice that he speaks sincerely. And I know I can't stay mad at him forever, but at least I'm going to make him pay for lying to me again when he said he wouldn't do it anymore.
—The lies have to stop Christian. A relationship based on lies doesn't work.
—Do you want me to wake up next to you, even if I didn't spend the night with you?
—I prefer honesty. And yes, I'd rather wake up next to you, even if we didn't sleep together all night. I just want you to communicate with me, not to lie to me anymore.
—You're right. I shouldn't have done it from the beginning. I will try to change. —and then he remains thoughtful for a moment. —And that will be from this moment on.
He suddenly turns a corner and I hold on to the door and the handlebars.
—What are you doing!
—Change of plans.
I see him smile. That wicked smile I haven't seen for a while. And I have no idea what it means.
—Where are we going? —I ask him when I see he doesn't say anything.
—I I was thinking of taking you out to dinner, but your words got me thinking.
—And... Where are we going? —I ask again.
—I'm going to take the doctor's word for it. —he says, looking at me briefly and smiling before looking ahead once more. —I'm going to take you to a place where I'm going to teach you how to take control.
Oh no, I wasn't expecting this.
There is only one place I know where he can teach me that.
Christian is taking me back to the club.