Summary: Modern Kid AU! Zeref tries to explain why being mean to a girl means you like her….

Pairings: Brotherly Zeref/Natsu/Gajeel, implied brotherly Gajeel/Wendy, implied brotherly Natsu/Wendy, implied parental Igneel/Zeref, parental Igneel/Natsu, implied Gajeel/Levy, implied one-sided Jet/Levy/Droy, implied Natsu/Levy friendship, implied Levy/Lucy friendship, and, of course, implied Natsu/Lucy.

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for giving me over SIXTY FOUR HUNDRED reviews!

At the age of eleven Zeref has a lot of things to worry about.

First, there was the fact he was in his final year in primary education and needed to pass with flying colours if he wanted to get into a very good school. While some thought his high intelligence meant he had little to worry in that aspect, it was one thing to pass and an entirely different matter to pass so impressively that Eton wanted you.

Then there was never-ending worry that his stepfather would accidentally poison him with his latest attempt to cook dinner.

Igneel was many things, most of them amazing, but none of them was a good cook.

And thirdly, Zeref worried persistently about his little brother who was probably the most innocent, danger-prone, and oblivious, five year old in the history of five year olds.

With all of these things in mind, Zeref really didn't' need to add Gajeel on the list. His six year old, brutish, cousin caused enough trouble with his attitude. Zeref really didn't want to be called out of class because Gajeel got injured.

Nor did he want to deal with the fact that Gajeel had been injured by a five year old girl because he had pulled her hair too hard, thrown her book away, and said too many mean things.

"I don't understand," Natsu said for what felt like the hundredth time in the last five minutes. Playtime had been spent with Zeref berating a scowling Gajeel as he tried to clean the cut on Gajeel's forehead that had been caused by the sharp corner of a hardback book, "why are you so mean to Levy?" Natsu continued. "She's really nice and clever."

"That's probably why he's so mean," Zeref observed as Gajeel flushed bright red, "he likes this Levy."

"I DO NOT!" Gajeel shouted. "SHE'S A LITTLE SHRIMP WHO READS TOO MUCH!"

"Well then," Zeref said calmly as he purposely stuck the plaster on Gajeel too hard and caused the grouchy brat to grimace and yelp, "it's because Gajeel is nothing but a great big bully, Natsu, and I hope you don't follow him."

"I AM NOT A BULLY!"

"Either you're a bully or you like the girl," Zeref raised an eyebrow, "which one is it?"

"I….erm…..ah…." Gajeel spluttered, "Oh shut up!" he snapped ferociously as Natsu started to giggle and Zeref struggled to hide a smirk. "This is why Wendy is my favourite cousin!" he declared childishly.

Wendy had only just turned one, she was a sweet, wide-eyed, innocent thing that had every male member of their family wrapped round her little finger. "That's okay," Natsu grinned, "Wendy is our favourite cousin too!" Gajeel spluttered some more but was completely ignored as Natsu frowned. "I still don't get it, why is Gajeel being a big, fat, meanie to Levy mean that he likes her?"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A BIG, FAT, MEANIE?!

"Because Gajeel is a boy," Zeref explained, "and that's what boys do."

"But why?!"

"Because…..because….erm, they don't know how to express themselves properly," Zeref grasped for an explanation. Personally he never understood it, whenever the girl he liked ever looked his way, he was too busy trying not to die of embarrassment to say hello let alone be mean to her. "So they act out."

"That makes no sense at all!" Natsu whined. "We all watch TV, there's plenty of lovey gushy stuff where the guy gives girls flowers, not pull their hair."

"True," Zeref murmured, "but boys are very immature and don't want to be seen getting cooties from the girls or something. So they're mean instead, to keep their reputations intact with the other boys."

"That makes even less sense!" Natsu protested. "And I'm not immature!"

"Natsu," Zeref said calmly, "yesterday you punched Gray Fullbuster because he said all fire Pokémon was stupid. You're hardly the pinnacle of maturity"

"Yeah but I don't like Gray Fullbuster, he's an annoying, whiney, stripper," Natsu grumbled, "You see!" he suddenly burst out. "I don't like Gray and I hurt him, so why is hurting someone a sign that you like them?!"

"I don't know, Natsu!" Zeref snapped, finally losing all patience, "It just is! Every time a guy pulls a girl's hair or takes their things or tries to annoy them it means they like that girl. It's just fact. No one bothered to explain why just that it is."

"But that doesn't make any sense!"

"Well that's just life, Natsu!"

There was a moment of silence as Natsu pouted, Zeref tried to push back a headache, and Gajeel had taken to glaring at two boys who were following two girls while shouting how wonderful 'Levy-Chan' was….

"So hurting the girl is definitely the only way to tell her you like her?" Natsu asked. "Nothing else?"

"Yes, Natsu," Zeref said tiredly, "nothing else."

"Okay then!" Natsu grinned. "See ya later."

"Wait," Zeref blinked, "where are you going?!"

"Going to get a date!"

"WHAT?!" Zeref shrieked. "Natsu Dragneel, you come back here! You are far too young to – oh dear God!"

Zeref watched in horror as Natsu approached a pretty, little, blonde girl and grinned at her. The girl smiled back prettily and they talked for a few moments when suddenly, quickly, Natsu reached out, grabbed a glossy gold pigtail, and yanked it hard…..

"LUCY KICK!"

Zeref let out the smallest, strangled, scream as Natsu suddenly flew across the playground and crashed, face first, into a bench.

"Wow," Gajeel blinked, "remind me to never piss off Bunny Girl."

"This," Zeref hissed as he glowered at his younger cousin, "is all your fault. And don't use language like that!"

"My fault?!" Gajeel squawked indignantly. "How is it my fault that your brother is such an idiot?!"

Zeref ignored him as he rushed over to his little brother's side. "Natsu!" he cried out. "Natsu! Are you all right?!" he helped his little brother up and paled at the blood that poured out of Natsu's mouth.

"I'm fine!" Natsu wriggled against Zeref's hold. "I just lost a tooth! Ha! The Tooth Fairy will be visiting me tonight!" Natsu proudly held up his bloody tooth for the whole world to see. Zeref grimaced. "And even better, Lucy is going to marry me!"

Zeref blinked. "What?" he said unable to comprehend

"She hurt me," Natsu said as if Zeref was the idiot, "You said that hurting someone was a way to show them that you like them. She likes me!"

"I said boys do that because they're immature idiots!" Zeref snapped. "I don't think that little girl likes you."

"You're right," Natsu nodded solemnly, "she knocked my tooth out," he grinned to show the gap in his teeth, "that must mean she's in love with me!"

"…."

"…"

"….Oh my God," Zeref murmured, horrified, "my little brother is a complete and utter idiot, and a masochist on top of that!"

"What's masochist?"

"You know it's your fault," Gajeel grinned as both he and Zeref ignored Natsu's question (if they tried to answer that one, God knows what Natsu would end up doing to the girl he liked), "you're too smart. You obviously took all the brains so there was none left for this moron."

"Yes," Natsu agreed eagerly, "your fault."

Zeref spent the rest of the afternoon slumped in depression knowing that he now had one more thing to worry about….Natsu's stupidity getting him killed at the hands of Lucy Heartfilla.

Why did he want to be a big brother again?