Summary: Inspired by an episode of Some Girls. Lucy's latest boyfriend is pushed to his limit and demands she should choose, him or Natsu? Well the choice is obvious….

Pairings: One-sided Lucy/OC, implied Natsu/Lucy, and Natsu/Happy/Lucy friendship.

YouTube Prompt: Fairy Tail tribute to 'Doing It Wrong' by Anita Blay.

Lucy's latest boyfriend was driving Natsu up the wall. He was an ultimate douchebag that made it clear that he thought he was better than everyone in the room with him, and that included Lucy.

Natsu never liked Lucy's boyfriends for some reason – it's not like they ever did anything to upset him or were mean or anything – and always felt frustrated whenever Lucy introduced him to one, but this one really took the biscuit!

He was so bland and boring (like all of Lucy's other boyfriends had been though unlike the others this one had lasted longer for some fucking reason) that Natsu had promptly forgotten his name after mere moments of being introduced and therefore always referred Lucy's boyfriend as 'the Douchebag'.

The fact that Lucy had yet to tell him to stop spoke volumes.

"Wanna go on a job?" Natsu asked one day as he eyed the request board. "There's a good paying one over there."

"Can't," Lucy grumbled, "or at least not that one or any that involves days of travelling. I have a date tonight with the Douchebag."

(Lucy may or may not have actually called the Douchebag by his actual name but Natsu had promptly blocked it out and replaced whatever she actually did say with those words.)

"Tell him to cancel," Natsu said instantly.

"I can't," Lucy moaned, "I promised." Natsu was beginning to really hate the fact that Lucy kept all of her promises. Well….he really hated the fact that she kept promises to other guys. "Besides I was kinda hoping to break up with him. He isn't as nice as I thought he was."

"You should," Natsu encouraged her happily, "he's an arrogant sod who thinks he's better than anyone else."

"I've noticed," Lucy said grimly, "I don't know what I was thinking!"

"You weren't thinking," Happy said making them both jump, they had both forgotten he was sitting with them, "he was so pretty that you didn't notice his awful personality. You're rather shallow like that."

"Why you little-"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Happy screamed before Lucy could finish her sentence. "NATSU HELP! LUCY IS THREATENING TO PULL ALL MY WHISKEKRS OUT!"

"I am not!" Lucy gasped. "You're just being melodramatic now," she then turned her back on Happy and stared at Natsu in the eye. "I don't usually ask this," she said seriously, "in fact this is a one-time thing and I don't want you or Happy to ever get any ideas because I am never asking this again."

Natsu and Happy exchanged bewildered glances before turning back to look at Lucy. "Go on," Natsu said hesitatingly.

"I need you break into my apartment this evening!" Lucy blurted out. "Preferably before seven o'clock."

"..."

"…"

"…"

Natsu slowly, eventually, moved his hand to touch Lucy's forehead. The smooth, soft, skin tingled beneath his palm but felt normal…..at least he thinks it felt normal. It's always hard to tell when you're constantly running a higher temperature compared to everyone else.

"Gerroff me!" Lucy snapped as she slapped his hand away. "What do you think you're doing, you idiot?"

"Checking to see if you have a fever," Natsu said, "Because that's the only way I can see you wanting me to break into your apartment. "

"Idiot," Lucy rolled her eyes, "though….you're sort of right. It's the Douchebag," again she probably used his actual name but Natsu had forgotten it, again, "he sort of convinced me to have dinner at mine tonight and I kinda….well…..I need someone there to ruin the mood so he won't get any ideas."

Natsu's eyes flashed dangerously at the suggestion in Lucy's words. "Don't worry, Luce," he said firmly, "Happy and I will be there, in fact," he smirked as an idea took hold, "we'll cook dinner."

And with that he abruptly left the guild building, with Lucy shouting after him about how he can't cook, as he decided he would make the hottest, spiciest, dinner in the world that should burn the Douchebag's tongue so badly that he would never want to do anything with his mouth again, let alone kiss Natsu's Lucy.

And that was how Natsu and Happy ended up in Lucy's kitchen chopping up onions as Lucy let the Douchebag in.

"Hey babe," the Douchebag said as he leaned in to kiss Lucy. Natsu chopped the onion so hard that he accidentally sliced through the chopping board and laughed quietly but sheepishly as Happy sweat-dropped. Natsu was pleased to see that his laugh caught the Douchebag's attention and there was no kissing as the Douchebag glowered at Natsu. "What is he doing here?!" the Douchebag hissed.

"He just comes in whenever he likes," Lucy said with a casualness that she would never use if Natsu had invaded her home without her invitation, "it's no big deal."

"Well I don't like it," the Douchebag snarled, "what if he comes into your room late at night?"

Happy tried hard to not laugh as it was already too late to worry about that one. Natsu had to admit he struggled not to smirk, satisfied in knowing he had shared Lucy's bed while this Douchebag won't even see it.

"It's harmless," Lucy shrugged uncaringly, "he needs a proper shower. The one in the guilds isn't that great and everyone is sick of him hogging the guild's kitchen. This way no one is going to kill him if he stinks the kitchen with curry"

"Well I'm not cool with it!"

"You're being ridiculous," Lucy rolled her eyes, she then turned and gave Natsu one of her radiant smiles that he had to return with a grin. "Hey Natsu, hi Happy," she said cheerfully, "you remember the Douchebag?"

And once again, she didn't actually call him the Douchebag, but Natsu saw no one reason to remember a guy's name when he'll be leaving in five minutes.

"Natsu nodded and waved a knife at the smug little prick. "Hey Douchebag," he greeted, "What's up?"

"My name is actually-"

"Yeah," Natsu interrupted coolly, "I got it right the first time."

There was an awkward moment of silence. The Douchebag stared at Natsu with a mild look of surprise and indignation, as if he couldn't believe that someone would dare speak to him in such a manner, he then promptly turned to Lucy and looked even more surprised to find that she was too busy examining her nails, unwilling to defend him.

Natsu had the biggest grin on his face at that.

The Douchebag coughed and plastered a fake, polite, smile on his face. "So how are you doing, Natsu?" he asked with false sweetness. "Burnt down any buildings recently?"

"Yeah," Natsu admitted sheepishly, "the library a couple towns over accidentally went up in flames while I was putting down some sort of giant rabbit-spider hybrid."

"My rent money!" Lucy bemoaned like the weirdo she always was. "All gone down the drain before I even got it."

"I'm cooking you dinner, ain't I?" Natsu retorted. He never cooked for other people usually he made others do it but not only did he get to have his revenge on the Douchebag (for you know….existing) but he thought it would be nice to try and make it up to Lucy for losing her rent money with his usual destructive nature. "My special five alarm chilli."

Well…Mirajane's special five alarm chilli that had everyone but Natsu choking and spluttering and spitting out fire, but she had taught him the secret recipe after one demand too many for more.

"It's a good thing I stocked up on milk," Lucy muttered, "the last time you cooked that for me, I was spewing fire for hours."

"It was funny," Happy giggled, "you looked like a dragon."

"And it tasted yummy," Natsu reassured her.

Lucy flushed and attempted to glare at the pair of them but she had that weird, fond, look on her face that always meant Natsu had escaped her wrath.

The Douchebag noticed it and glowered some more. He then coughed again, loudly. "I'm not much of a chef," he said in that false, polite, voice, "but I'd be happy to help."

"You could chop up the chilli," Natsu shrugged, though secretly he was glad to move the Douchebag further away from Lucy. He was hovering in on her way too close for Natsu's liking. "Happy's useless."

Happy held his head up high with pride, something he had learnt from Lucy. "I don't like getting my fur mucky," he said pompously.

The Douchebag quickly, and finely, chopped up the many chillies Natsu had put before him, like a professional chef. Natsu was reluctant to admit he was impressed, he only knew two people who chopped like that – Mira and Erza. "Ooh Natsu!" Happy cooed admiringly. "Check out his awesome ninja knives move!"

"Yeah," Natsu grumbled. "Not that impressive. Erza is better."

The Douchebag smirked infuriatingly as he coolly flipped the knife into the sink. "Anything else I can do?" he asked smugly.

"No," Natsu said sulkily as the Douchebag continued to smirk at him, "you're good. So Douchebag," the smirk vanished and Lucy's lips twitched in amusement. "Luce has been telling me that you raise money for charities. Something to do with the poverty?"

The Douchebag frowned, probably because Natsu called Lucy Luce, God knows why that would upset him but it was the only thing Natsu could think of.

After all, he hasn't hit the bastard… yet.

Then he smiled a sickly, smug, smile, "Yes," he said proudly, "I spearheaded the whole fundraising initiative myself. Solo. A loner."

"Maybe you should make some friends," Happy said sagely, "and not act like an arse. Then you wouldn't have to do all the work alone."

Natsu tried not to laugh as the Douchebag's mouth dropped open in shock that a cat was back chatting him.

Actually it was probably the thought that anyone was back chatting him while he was bragging.

"And," Lucy leaped in before it got too awkward, "he's been volunteering at the hospice!"

"I'm all about giving back," the Douchebag said with false sincerity and humility. "What do you do for your community, Natsu?"

"Nothing I suppose," Natsu shrugged.

"That's not true!" Lucy cried out. "You've helped rebuild Magnolia even when you're not the one that trashed it, and you entertain all the children with free magic shows," Natsu couldn't help but grin at Lucy as she began to passionately list all the good things he apparently does. There was something very endearing and sweet about it even though she was being a complete weirdo. She caught his grin and smiled back as she continued, "And you help people carry their shopping back, and you-"

The Douchebag yawned loudly and dramatically, cutting Lucy off. "So tired," he rubbed his eyes, "it was a late one at the hospice last night. Violet had me reading this silly romance deep into the night. She didn't want to let me go, he, he, he – ah! AH! AH!" Natsu smirked as the Douchebag's disgustingly smug laughter was interrupted by his own screams. This was even better than what he had planned originally. God, who could ever be this stupid? "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY EYEBALLS! AH THEY'RE BURNING! THEY'RE BURNING! AH MY EYES ARE MELTING! MY EYEBALLS!"

Lucy backed away and glanced worriedly over to Natsu. "What's happening to him?" she asked, alarmed.

"He didn't wash his hands after touching the chilli," Natsu explained, "and now it's burning his eyes, duh."

"You should always wash your hands after dealing with chilli," Happy said wisely, "even I know that, and I'm a cat."

This was apparently the last straw for the Douchebag. Sass from Happy usually was everyone's last straw so it wasn't that surprising. "THAT'S IT!" the Douchebag roared furiously. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS GUY, LUCY! I WANT YOU TO BAN HIM FROM YOUR HOME AND NEVER SEEN HIM AGAIN!"

"What?!" Lucy snapped, looking outraged. "Are you saying I have to choose between you and Natsu?!"

"Yes!"

"Well that's easy then," the Douchebag smirked at Natsu and went to move to wrap his arm round Lucy's shoulders but Lucy stepped away from him and moved towards Natsu. Natsu jumped but couldn't help an excited grin on his face as he felt Lucy slide her hand into his. "I choose Natsu," Lucy said firmly, "now get the fuck out of my home."

"But….but….but…"

"You heard the lady," Natsu growled, "get the fuck out of here!"

"You'll regret this!" the Douchebag hissed. "When I become the richest and most influential man in the country, you'll-"

"Still pick Natsu over you," Lucy interrupted. "I will always pick Natsu over someone like you."

The Douchebag let out an infuriated, girlish, scream and stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door loudly. There was a moment of silence, and then Happy suddenly giggled.

"You're holding hands!" he teased. "You liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiike each other."

"We do not!" Lucy yelped as she leaped away from Natsu. "We….we….we….erm…."

"Jeeze, you weirdo," Natsu rolled his eyes, "it's just holding hands. And it did the job, it got rid of the Douchebag, didn't it?"

"Yes," Lucy smiled, "it did. Thank you, Natsu," she kissed his cheek, it felt all weird and tingly and Natsu felt his cheeks burn weirdly. Only Lucy could so something like that to him. "I just hope that git doesn't come back and try to cause any problems."

"Don't worry, Luce," Natsu held up a flaming fist, "if he does, I'll just kick the shit out of him."

"WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT USING FIRE IN MY APARTMENT?!"

And with that, they had forgotten the whole evening as it quickly became an average night at Lucy's apartment (Lucy screaming at him, threatening him, kicking him, and then eventually giving up and letting him stay) and they never did see the Douchebag ever again.

…though Natsu did always wonder if that had anything to do with Erza and Gray turning up five minutes later for chilli and Erza's sword looked a little bloody…..