Summary: When Evergreen discovers the cliché of 'it only takes one time' is true, she is really unimpressed with her boyfriend.

Pairings: Elfman/Evergreen, some implied parental Porlyusica/Wendy, and some mentions of Thunder God Tribe friendship.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for giving me over SIXTY NINE HUNDRED reviews, and so sorry for the lack of updates. It had been a busy week and ended on the day from hell at work. I spent most of this weekend recovering while watching large amounts of Soul Eater. So I'm sorry there's no mega long chapter to make up for the lack of updates but I hope this little ditty will make you laugh anyway.

"I'M WHAT?!"

"Pregnant," Porlyusica repeated flatly, "don't make me say it again because my diagnosis is not going to change."

"What…how….why….?" Evergreen stammered. "I…..how and why?!" she shrieked as she pulled at her hair.

"Makarov" Porlyusica said flatly as she turned to the Master of the Guild, "I thought you have given these brats the sex talk. I specifically remember telling you must after that incident with Cana and her first period."

"Evergreen joined after that!" Master snapped defensively. "After all the trauma caused of the Day We Do Not Talk About, I was not going through it again with another bunch of brats!"

"What?!" Porlyusica shrieked. "You mean you are going to keep Wendy in the dark until one day she is sitting opposite me like this idiot asking how this is possible?! This is why I hate humans you are all ridiculously stupid and self-"

"I KNOW HOW BABIES ARE MADE!" Evergreen exploded, finally losing her temper. It pissed her off to no end that Porlyusica thought she was a moron and was more concerned about Wendy than the one with an actual problem. "That's not what I had meant when I asked!"

"And what did you mean?" Porlyusica asked impatiently.

"This can't be possible!" Evergreen moaned as she clutched her head. "I've only done it ONCE!"

That's the worst thing about it all. Her first time ever, and she winds up pregnant. That was it, she had no chance to really discuss her relationship, no time to work out dating while working on different teams, no experimental living together, and no romantic proposals and long engagements has she plans the perfect wedding.

It was just going to be a rushed, shotgun, wedding while she moved in with him and his sisters, and six or so months of sheer nausea, sore boobs, and growing fat.

It wasn't fair! She wanted to have sex more than once before she ended up pregnant. She wanted to have hot, fast, furious sex when he annoyed her, and sweet, slow, gentle sex when they were being more loving, and she wanted to experiment with other things as well.

Damnit! She wanted to feel sexy.

It had been two months since their first time and they hadn't even been able to see one another. She had been too busy supporting Laxus on an S-Class mission, and he had been doing…something.

"It only takes the one time," Porlyusica said snarkily, "that's why we recommend birth control every single time."

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Evergreen screamed furiously, she could no longer take the pressure and Porlyusica was absolutely no help, without a second thought she kicked the door down and stormed down the stairs. "ELFMAN STRAUSS," she bellowed. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"B-b-but I haven't done anything!" Elfman stammered. "How unmanly of you t-"

Evergreen punched him for that.

"You haven't done anything?!" she hissed. "You haven't done anything?!" she repeated furiously. "Oh! So I must have imagined you putting your penis in me." everyone spluttered and choked on their drinks at that. Several people ranging from Wendy to even Gajeel turned bright red at Evergreen's blunt wording. "And I must have imagined Porlyusica telling me just now that I'm fucking pregnant!"

"P-p-pregnant?" Elfman echoed. "But we've only done it the one time!"

"Exactly!"

There was a moment of silence and then suddenly a big, radiant, beam spread across Elfman's face as he leaped onto a table. "LISTEN UP EVERYONE!" he roared. "I'M SO MANLY THAT I GOT EVER PREGNANT ON THE FIRST TIME. I HAVE THE MANLIEST SPERM IN – OUCH!"

Evergreen threw her second shoe for good measure and was satisfied to see that it bounced off of Elfman's shoulder with a loud thunk. "IT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OFF, YOU ASSHAT!" she screamed.

The rest of the afternoon was spent trying to strangle the father of her child.

Not that anyone particularly cared, Mirajane and Lisanna were too busy planning the shotgun wedding while Laxus, Freed, and Bickslow enquired as to where they could buy the said shotguns.