I always forgot how odd a normal life felt after an insane mission. You walked around in a daze for the first few days and nothing felt real. Even simple everyday actions felt like enormous tasks. The exhaustion, the aching muscles, and injuries acquired along the way were the only things that made you feel anything beyond numb.
Multiplying that feel by a million times is what the aftermath of New York felt like.
Laura banned the TV on the first night there. Watching reruns of the horrors from New York wouldn't help anyone, or so she said. While not being able to sleep at 0300 one morning, I flicked a news channel open on my phone. I lasted exactly 2 minutes and 37 seconds before I had to turn it off. I already had enough problems sleeping. That served as nightmare fodder for the next few days. The brief clip I'd watched saw one of the massive Leviathan's taking down half a building. You could hear the people screaming underneath as they tried to get out of the way. Then the screaming abruptly stopped.
A reminder of the death toll that grew by the day. Every number felt like a complete failure on my behalf. We were meant to protect people. That was our job. Instead, we'd caused the deaths of 74 people. 74 people who had families and their lives would change forever. I knew how much losing someone you loved changes you. You were never the same afterward. There were so many grieving families out there and I couldn't do a fucking thing to fix it.
Which is why I was sitting on the back porch waiting for the sun to come up right now. I was exhausted but I wasn't the only one. I don't think Clint had slept through the night ever since we'd gotten back. It was a crowded house and we'd been sharing rooms. The first night me and Natasha shared until Jared came and kicked me out. If Laura had noticed the change, she hadn't said anything.
If anything, Laura seemed distracted herself. I'd been too exhausted and riddled with guilt to talk to her.
The days were filled with a lot of family moments. The kids were on summer holidays and every waking moment was spent with them. Lila had graduated to a new pony, Bubbles, who was slightly faster than Princess Penelope and was much nicer to deal with. Cooper and Clint spent hours in the barn building the new stable for Bubbles. When that was done, Clint started ripping up the tiling in the second bathroom and was halfway through repainting it. He was talking about renovating the kitchen yesterday but I had a feeling Laura had knocked that idea out of his head right away.
Clint had barely stopped moving since we'd got here. When he did stop, I noticed his hands would shake uncontrollably. When that started, he'd pick up something to fiddle with, as if to keep his hands busy. He wouldn't speak of anything but his current renovations and whatever was keeping him busy for the day. It was another thing I couldn't fix.
I'd only felt the post-mission fog start lifting when me, Natasha, and Lila made brownies before dinner last night. We ate most of the mix and had to find another box so we had enough to bake. I was munching on one of them now. Clint had shown Lila how to make the frosting and I'd gone crazy with sprinkles. Laura had been home from work in time to scold all of us for eating so much chocolate before dinner.
Rocking myself back and forth gently on the seat swing, I stared out into the still dark landscape. Talking to Andrew every day wasn't helping my muddled brain. Worry for Clint and Jared occupied any spare thought I had during the day.
On the outside, Jared looked fine. He smiled for everyone. He laughed in the right places. Played with the kids. Helped Clint with his repairs. But he was my twin. I knew when things weren't right. His actions were too practiced, too precise, and just off center for him. It was eerie seeing this plastic persona he had going. His water bottle had returned. Something I hadn't seen since Pripyat. I knew it was vodka in it. I had a feeling Natasha knew as well. No one had said anything yet.
It was all one huge nightmare. We all seemed to take shifts with sleeping. I knew the only reason Clint was asleep was the blow job I'd given him earlier. He was fast asleep before I'd come back up for a cuddle. I hoped he'd stay that way. I was sleeping in broken snatches but the last few nights Clint seemed to be awake every time I woke up. His exhaustion was clear but he kept pushing through the daily life on the farm.
Footsteps quietly padded into the kitchen. All the lights were off and I could see Laura's face in the small sliver of brightness that was her phone to her face.
I checked my own phone discreetly. It was 0317. Laura had been getting calls at all hours, citing work had been crazier than usual.
Laura's conversation was too quiet for me to hear. She wandered back and forth in the kitchen, absently adjusting things on the kitchen bench. The conversation was going on a little long for someone calling her into work. Then again, they could be talking about anything. There had been days where Laura had phone calls and talked an intern through what they had to do with a half ripped off toenail while we were all having dinner.
The back door opened as Laura said goodbye to whoever it was on the phone. She stopped to look down at her phone, a smile on her face.
"Work again?" I asked.
Laura let out a muffled shriek as she whirled around to face me.
"Jesus," Laura said breathlessly, clutching her chest.
"No, Kari." I decided to play the cheesy joke line so Laura would relax.
"Funny," Laura said dryly.
I half smiled as she moved gingerly in the darkness until she found her way over to me. She sat down next to me with a heavy sigh.
The guilt that had been gnawing at me since we'd been here felt like it was going to choke me as Laura curled up next to me. How the hell was I going to tell her that I was sleeping with her ex-husband? Someone who I'd never thought of in anything but a platonic sense.
"It wasn't work," Laura's quiet voice broke through my growing panic. "I have something to tell you."
I nearly blurted out I had something to tell her as well. Instead, I stayed quiet, waiting for her to tell me whatever it was.
"Do you remember ages ago when I had sex with that surgeon? Matthew was his name." Laura asked.
My brain moved slower than frozen molasses while trying to get my memory working. I had vague recollections of Laura had dinner and drinks with someone a long time ago. A few months after the shit storm of a mission when I had to carry Clint to safety.
"Vaguely?" I looked at Laura curiously, even though I couldn't see much in the dark.
Looking at her also gave me something else to focus on. The PTSD from that mission was always lurking in the background. Right up until aliens came pouring out of a portal in New York, I would have put it at my hardest mission.
"He's ended up moving here after getting offered a job," Laura sounded like she was choosing her words very carefully. "And we've been on a few more dates."
"And fucking like a pair of horny teenagers?"
I couldn't stop my lips curling into a smile as I teased her. The smile didn't last long. But it was there.
"Not quite," Laura said with a small laugh. "It's hard to do with our schedules and fitting two kids around. He lives half an hour from work in the opposite direction so he calls me when he's finished to squeeze some adult conversation in."
"I'm happy for you." The choking guilt eased a fraction. "Has he met the kids yet?"
It wasn't hard to make it sound genuine either. Laura deserved some happiness. Her and Clint splitting up had brought so much turmoil. Living isolated out here in the country with only a small support crew was hard. She never complained about it. As dark as it was sitting out here, I could still that she was smiling.
"Not yet," Laura said, lifting up her shoulders in a small shrug. "We did have plans. Then aliens came pouring out of the sky. Next minute, there you all were on TV with another Asgardian throwing shit around."
"Fucking Loki," I muttered darkly. "He ruined everyone's plans."
The dinner Clint invited me to before this all went down seemed to be long forgotten. Clint hadn't brought it up again. With how fragile Clint seemed at the moment, I didn't want to push either.
"Fucking Loki," Laura agreed. She was silent for a moment before hesitatingly continuing. "I know it's the dumbest question in the world. But how are you?"
It was a question I got asked multiples times a day. Every phone call I had always started with that same question.
"I don't know," I said honestly. "Everything feels like I'm swimming in mud. I was saying to Andrew earlier it's all a jumble of feelings. The only thing I know is that I'm relieved we're all still alive. Everything else is just a blur."
Laura's arms came around me and pulled me into a hug. I hadn't really cried yet but Laura's firm hug made it come close. The choking guilt came back in force. I doubted I was going to get any hugs from Laura once I told her.
"I have something to tell you as well." I really didn't want to do it. But if I left this any longer, it would make things worse. "But you're probably not going to like it."
Laura stilled underneath me before letting go. The change in her posture was clear as she sat back.
"If you've eaten all the brownies, I'm going to be very upset," Laura said jokingly.
I knew her well enough that the joke was forced. The nerves that were making my stomach do somersaults became full blown acrobatics as I opened my mouth.
Nothing came out. I struggled to get the words to form. I snapped my mouth shut with an audible click of my teeth as I felt the brownies from earlier starting to crawl up from my stomach.
"Is this about you and Clint?" Laura asked warily.
Her question was like a slap across the face.
"Yeah," I managed to croak out.
The silence that followed was torturous. It felt like hours in what was probably less than a minute. I shouldn't have been surprised. Laura was far more observant than I ever gave her credit for. Being married to a spy for so long must have helped that.
Laura let out a very long and angry sounding sigh. I braced myself for the backlash.
"I wasn't going to say anything until things were more settled," Laura sounded very guarded. "You guys are going through shit that no one ever should. Part of me feels like I don't have a right to say anything about this."
"But you do," I said quietly.
"You're both adults and you can do as you please," Laura said stiffly. "Just not under this roof. Well, not when things are back to some normality. At the moment, I get it. I don't like it but I get it."
"That's fair." I knew this wasn't the end of the conversation. "I'm sorry. It just kind of happened. I promise you there hasn't been any pining or lusting after Clint beforehand."
The silence following was unbearable. I don't think I'd ever felt this uncomfortable around Laura, even when they first split up and she was being difficult about Clint seeing the kids.
"I don't know what you want me to say, Kari," Laura said softly. "Fuck, I don't even know what to say if I'm being honest. I don't have a right to be angry at this. But I am and I feel like a shitty person for being angry."
"You aren't being a shitty person for being angry. It was pretty stupid of us." I turned my gaze to the dark fields in front of us. There was the tiniest hint of grey starting to appear on the horizon. The humidity was already starting to creep in. It was going to be another scorcher of a day.
"Did Coulson know?"
Laura's voice caught on Coulson's name. We were all doing that. Clint had a personal phone call from Fury every day to update him on that situation. What or how Tahiti worked, I still didn't know. Clint was holding this one close to his chest. Most of the time he'd lock himself in the bathroom for an hour after those phone calls. He'd come out stony faced and throw himself into whatever project he was doing at the moment.
Natasha and I had taken to throwing knives at one of the old archery targets after those phone calls. At least it was mildly cathartic.
"He did." I swallowed back the lump of grief. Every day the thought of Coulson always stopped me dead in my tracks. I had no doubt we'd all be doing better if he was here. "He said Clint told him and then panicked that he'd told him. Coulson said he wished he had a camera to capture the look on Clint's face because it was hilarious."
I was babbling but I couldn't stop myself. Even Laura had a small snort of amusement.
"And then Loki happened." I had no idea what else to say.
If Loki hadn't come out of that portal our lives would be a lot different now. Clint and I might still be enjoying the blissful bubble of no one else knowing.
"Fucking Loki," Laura said quietly. A common sentiment that had been passed around a lot lately.
"Fucking Loki," I agreed, swallowing back the bile crawling back up my throat. "For what it's worth Laura, I am really sorry and I respect any decision you have on this. I can go pack my bags."
"You don't have to do that," Laura said quickly. "I'm mad at you both, but I know how much Clint needs you right now. Actually, how much you all need each other. I have no idea what to say to him or Jared."
"Me either," I said softly.
Silence fell between us again. Laura was still stiff and had put distance between us. The small gap between our bodies would have only been a few inches. But right now it felt like a yawning chasm, one that was never going to close.
It made me wonder if our brief moments of happiness was worth it. I dreaded going back to work to see the accusatory looks and whispers behind my back. Everyone was going to smug and think they were right about us fucking, like all the rumors had been ever since I'd joined STRIKE Team Delta.
"I haven't told Clint that I know yet," Laura said, breaking the silence yet again. "I wasn't sure until last night anyway. Then I stared at the ceiling for hours trying to think of how I was going to say something. Or what to say."
"How did you know?" I asked tentatively.
"I know the sound Clint makes when he's trying to be quiet during sex," Laura said flatly. "Trust me, when you have children, you need to sneak it in whenever you can and be quiet about it."
My cheeks burnt with embarrassment. I nearly said we weren't having sex but judging by Laura's reaction, she wouldn't find it funny.
Then again, I don't know why I thought her reaction would be anything different. A small part of me had hoped we'd be sitting here laughing about it, making jokes about Clint's ridiculous sex drive. Instead, I'd drive a wedge in one of the very few close female friendships I had.
Laura shifted and suddenly the gap closed between us. Her arms came around me again as she hugged me. I stiffened in her arms but found myself hugging her back, my throat closing up as she hugged me hard.
"If you feed my children that much chocolate before bed again, I will murder you," Laura said with all the seriousness in the world. "I'm really mad at you about screwing my ex-husband and I'm not sure I like you very much right now. But I still love you."
At her serious declaration, I burst into tears with heaving sobs. It was like a floodgate opened and nothing could hold it back.
Laura rocked me while I cried. All the stress of the last two weeks hit me like a ton of bricks. The overwhelming guilt at the foremost emotion. Not just about me and Clint. But for the lives, we hadn't saved. 74 innocent people who were just going about their daily lives completely unaware of what was going on. Any innocent bystander loss was a tragedy, no matter the greater good.
"I might be upset about you and Clint, but my worry is overriding that right now," Laura said quietly while I cried myself out. "I know you can't tell me a lot but please tell me that SHIELD is actually all over this. They're not just patching up your bullet wounds with a band-aid and shipping you back off again after you've barely had a chance to breathe."
So much for me thinking Laura had been distracted and not paying attention. Evans had sent me a text message earlier today warning me he was fighting off pressure from above to keep us away. Pierce himself was asking for me. I had a horrible feeling my promise of taking the brunt of the media punishment was going to happen whether I was ready or not.
"I don't know." My sobs had been reduced to ugly hiccups. I reached up to wipe my snotty nose on my sleeve. "Andrew and Evans are doing their best."
It was a bullshit answer and I knew Laura wasn't buying it. She kept quiet while my hiccups died down and I scrubbed the worst of the snot and tears off my face. When I was silent again, she let me go and we went back to our opposite ends of the chair.
"I want waffles for breakfast," Laura declared abruptly a few moments later, pushing herself up. "And you're going to help me cook them."
Laura held out her hand and gave me an expectant look. It wasn't a request. It was an order.
"Yes, Ma'am." I had half a crooked smile on my lips.
The sun was up by the time the first set of light footsteps came creeping into the kitchen. Lila's head poked around cautiously, his face bleary with sleep. It took her less than a second to realise her favourite breakfast was on the table. The massive stack of waffles seemed excessive but if Jared or Clint was hungry, it would be gone in seconds. At least the was one thing that remained constant, the big appetites persevered throughout the mess.
Just as Lila was settling down in her chair, Natasha wandered through the door. Her pajama pants were too long, dragging on the floor. She stretched showing off her toned stomach muscles.
Blinking sleepily, Natasha looked between me and Laura. Her lips pursed as a curious expression crossed her face. It was gone quickly and she flopped herself down into the chair.
"There better be coffee with these waffles at this time of the morning." Natasha put her head in her arms on the table. "Why is it so early?"
Lila was helping herself to the waffles, happily smothering them in the blueberry sauce I'd managed to make under Laura's careful instructions. I was very proud that I'd actually been helpful. My cooking skills were still very limited but slowly getting better.
Breakfast was quiet as we all scoffed down the waffles. Cooper soon joined us, quiet until he had some food into him. Then he didn't shut up. He and Lila talked non stop around mouthfuls of food, excited for the day ahead. Apparently, Clint had promised them a picnic lunch by the river.
I barely knew what day it was but a nice easy day sounded like a good time to me. I was halfway through my first waffle when Clint came into the kitchen, holding my phone out.
"Evans," Clint explained as he handed the phone over to me.
Sighing, I took the offered phone from him. I didn't put it to my ear until I was outside. The humidity was like a slap in the face. Despite the house being old. the central air worked extremely well. In the Kentucky heat, it was really needed.
"Hi," I finally answered the phone tiredly. My stomach tied itself back into knots. It was far too early for Evans to be doing a routine call.
"I'm so sorry. Pierce has already been on my ass this morning and I need you back now." Evans didn't waste time.
I looked back inside and found Laura standing by the window, looking out at me. Her brow was wrinkled in concern as our eyes met. I tried to smile but it didn't work.
"What time?" There was no point arguing. If Evans was getting angry phone calls this early in the day, then this was serious.
"ASAP," Evans sounded gruffer than usual. "Piece said he'd have a Quinjet meet you where ever you were hiding."
"No need." Another movement in the kitchen caught my eye. The unmistakable light blonde hair on Jared had appeared. He was standing at the window with Laura, a frown on his handsome face as he watched me. "I'll be there in an hour."
I had volunteered for this. I only had myself to blame for my peace and quiet being shattered so quickly.
"I'll pick you…" Evans was cut off by a loud ear piercing shriek in the background. It was his turn to sigh noisily. "Up. Let me know."
I could hear Alexi shrieking about something in the background. Whatever it was, she sounded far too excited for this time of the morning. At least nothing had changed in that regard. She was still a foul mouthed little bundle of psychotic energy. My trip back was going to have to include a surprise visit.
Alexi was still shrieking in the background making it hard to say anything, so I hung up. I forced my wobbly legs to get moving before I chickened out.
Walking back into the house, I could feel everyone staring at me. Laura looked really displeased as I held my phone up. Her comment about SHIELD slapping a bandaid on a bullet wound was a very good description. Everyone was sitting at the table, acting like no one knew what was going on.
"Work," I said with a wobbly smile. "I'm going to need a lift."
Jared let out an aggravated sigh. He'd just lifted his fork to his mouth.
"After a shower," I added quickly. I looked longingly at the waffles. My discarded one was still sitting on it's plate.
"After breakfast too." Laura pointed at my vacant seat. "If they want you so bad they can fucking wait."
Laura was far scarier than Pierce would ever be. I obediently sat down between Clint and Cooper and got stuck into my first waffle. It felt like ash in my mouth but I obediently shoveled it down, washed down with an extra strong coffee before dragging my ass into the shower.
After a quick scrub down, I stepped out of the shower to find Clint sitting on the bath. I jumped in surprise at his sudden appearance.
"I think we need to do more spy 101 training with you," Clint said dryly, handing me a towel. "I've been sitting here for two minutes."
"I'm a little preoccupied," I said with an unamused snort. "Did you just come to leer at me in the shower?"
Clint gave me the same forced smile he'd been putting on ever since we'd left New York. He reached out to touch me as I wrapped the towel around my body.
Laura's words from before came back to haunt me. Especially the part of not under her roof. I flinched away from Clint's touch, taking a step back.
The look on Clint's face made me immediately regret it. The schooled composure on his face slipped for a second, before being replaced by a stone cold expression.
"If you…" Clint began. He had to stop and breathe heavily to regain his composure yet again.
Now I knew exactly where this was going. Clint mistook my flinch for something else entirely. My heart broke a little more for him, seeing the vulnerability so clearly when he was doing a good job of hiding it. He must have thought I flinched because I didn't want him to touch me for an entirely different reason.
I immediately closed the gap between us, grabbing his face between my hands, and kissed him.
Clint's sag of relief nearly made both of us fall into the bathtub. His incredible balance kept both of us upright as he kissed me back. His hands started to wander underneath my towel. As much as I wanted to continue what we started last night and I had to finish off myself, I knew I couldn't put off my trip back to work any longer.
"Later," I promised against his lips, reluctantly pulling away. "You owe me."
"I'm sorry," Clint said with a groan. His wandering hands stopped and came up to hug me around the waist.
Clint put his head on my stomach, breathing heavily. I had a feeling the apology wasn't just for his current wandering hands, or the lack of orgasm for me last night.
I suppressed my sigh and wrapped my arms around him. Andrew had commented to me yesterday that Clint was bottling things up worse than ever. For Andrew to even make that remark to me meant things were bad. It made leaving even harder than it had to be. Even if it was just for the day.
"Laura knows about us," I said softly. "I talked to her this morning. She's not very happy about it."
Slight understatement. I didn't want to burden Clint with the finer details of our discussion. At least Laura knew now wasn't the time or place to be losing her shit at us.
"Laura doesn't get a fucking say," Clint snapped. "She took my kids and left me."
Clint pulled back from me with an angry huff. This was one thing I couldn't deal with right now. I knew how painful their breakup was for Clint. I completely understood his anger, even if I couldn't handle it.
"I know," I said, holding my hands up in a helpless shrug. "I'm just telling you she knows but she's not going to say anything right now."
Clint looked away from me. I could see the muscles in his jaw clenching as he breathed in and our noisily. The ragged breaths sounded like a poor attempt a sniper breathing to calm himself down. His ears were turning red from the internal war going on.
"Hey." I gently turned his head back towards me. Leaning down I pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. As I did, the tension draining out of his was noticeable. "No matter what else is happening, you've still got me. I know it sucks but you're stuck with me."
That got a small huff of amusement.
"I'm going to go put on my power suit and heels." I kissed him again. "Show this fuckhead in his Ivory Tower that STRIKE Team Delta is not to be messed with."
I kissed Clint once more. This time I felt him smile against my lips.
"Then Jared is going to drop you off at our apartment, you're going to cook me stir fry for dinner and my black Manolo's are going to be up around your ears afterward," I finished, flashing Clint a sultry smile.
"Yes, Ma'am."
Now Clint was smiling properly. It wasn't a huge radiant grin, but it was better than the forced smile he kept plastering on.
"I gotta go." I had to stop myself from kissing Clint one more time. If I did, I was going to have trouble pulling away. Even as exhausted and stressed I was feeling, my body was still willing and able to happily drop the towel and let Clint fuck me on the bathroom floor.
"Wear your black Louboutin's instead of the Manolo's," Clint suggested. "I prefer some colour in my face when your legs are over my shoulders."
"Done," I said with a small laugh.
I knew I had to move, but I was enjoying this peaceful moment. The calm before the storm. Our lives were about to change even more radically than I'd ever imagined. But I thought that when I first joined SHIELD. Then when Riley died. On and on it went. More changes than I thought a person could ever go through in a lifetime.
Yet, here I was. Standing tall and ready to face whatever shit life was going to fling at me this time.
Reluctantly, I untangled myself from Clint. He gave my ass a cheeky quick squeeze as I turned around. It made me laugh a little but I didn't stop. The sooner I left, the quicker I came home.
Going into the bedroom, I yanked on a pair of sweat pants and the first shirt I came across. All of my decent clothes were still at home. Grabbing my phone, I made my way back down to the kitchen.
Jared was still sitting at the table when I came back into the kitchen. He'd been teaching Cooper some complicated African language over summer. Cooper soaked up the new language as quickly as Jared could teach them. It made an adorable sight, seeing them jabbering away in something I couldn't understand with complicated clicks and other sounds. Cooper struggled in school in most of his subjects, especially since their move down to Kentucky. He was getting bullied badly enough Laura was switching his school. To see him excel at something was giving him all the confidence in the world.
"Can I come with you, Kari?" Cooper asked in his most pleading tone as I came to stand beside them.
Laura shaking her head caught my eye. I was already going to say no. At least now I had Laura to back me. The kids missed DC. Our last visit before New York had been full of promises to bring them back during the holidays. Now we had no idea what was going to meet us there. It wasn't worth the risk.
"Another time, buddy. I promise." I managed a smile that didn't feel too fake. "I've got to see the brass above Fury today and it'll be too boring for you to hang around the apartment all day."
Cooper looked like he was going to argue with me. Instead, he crossed his arms, and sullenly went back to picking at what was left on the plate. Laura shot me an apologetic look at Cooper's resentful mood. It was getting more common these days.
Even though it felt like a kick in the guts, I didn't have the time or energy to deal with it. Jared was on his feet and holding his hand out, looking irritable.
"My apartment?" I asked Jared before taking his hand.
The world dropped out from underneath me and then we were in the lounge room. The apartment was stifling hot and dark. I had only been back here a handful of times since Steve had been found. Most of it was to make sure the fridge wasn't coming to life from food going bad or getting clothes. It was only weeks ago. Right now it felt like everything had happened a year ago.
"Ring me when you want to be ferried around again." Jared's tone was biting.
I wasn't able to get a reply before he vanished. Sometimes I really wished he had some kind of warning that he was about to teleport. I knew he hated playing taxi but I wasn't asking for this. I didn't want any of this.
The narrative threatened to overwhelm me. I shoved those emotions back down into the black hole where they belonged. I had too much work to do.
Opening every window in the apartment made short work of the stuffing feeling. After being in the quiet of the country, the sounds of DC in the morning were overwhelming. I shut the windows as quickly as I opened them. My heart pounding in terror at the sudden noises. It made me feel like being back in New York right before aliens came pouring out of the portal in the sky.
Swallowing back my fear, I quickly turned the air conditioning on instead and went to my bedroom. My fingers worked over the screen of my phone as I let Evans know I was at my apartment.
As I stepped into the bedroom, I stopped in the doorway as I looked at the never ending mass of text messages I kept accumulating. I'd barely replied to anyone except for Mom. So many people were asking how I was. STRIKE guys were asking when I was coming back to work. A few messages from Gareth were sounding increasingly worried as I didn't reply to them. His latest one was from this morning.
I know you're reading these. I'm not going to pretend I know what you're going through. But you looked fucking badass on TV. If you've got time to breathe, call me. If not, I'll tell you my hilarious story of the last three failed dates I've been on. You don't have to reply but I know you're reading them so I hope they make you smile.
Gareth always knew how to make me smile. He'd be at work now so ringing him was pointless. Instead, I sent him back a smiley face. My fingers paused over the screen, I typed out a quick message back.
Look forward to it.
Throwing my phone on the bed, I went to my wardrobe. Thanks to Pepper I knew how to dress to really make an impression. Grey skirt suit. Pale blue shirt. Killer heels. Those were all easy to find and put on. The amount of concealer I needed for the black circles under my eyes was the hardest thing to get right today. Out of frustration, I ended up using Natasha's concealer she used to hide bruises. It wasn't quite the right tone for my skin and the weird Russian brand felt awful on my skin. I'd been having worse breakouts of acne than I'd ever had as a teenager. Piling on the concealer was making me feel like a self conscious teenager all over again as well. When I was done, I stepped out into the lounge room.
"You do know your 5'10 and really do not need to be wearing four inch Jimmy Choo's?"
I smiled in the direction of the voice. Evans was lounging on our ridiculously overstuffed sofa. He was wearing a suit and tie, much to my surprise.
"They're Loubouton's," I said with a roll of my eyes. "Get your shoes right. These are much more expensive than my Jimmy Choo's."
"That I don't doubt for a second," Evans said dryly. He pushed himself up and jangled his keys in his hand. "Let's go."
In the elevator and all the way to the car, I could feel Evans watching me out of the corner of his eye. He wasn't hiding it either. His expression was wary as I marched to the car and got in without any complaint.
"When was the last time you slept?"
Evans was barely in the car before he asked the question. I knew the interrogation was coming. He could have at least gotten me a coffee.
"Coulson usually buys coffee before the interrogation," I said irritably, dodging the question. I forced the seatbelt into the holder with way more force than was necessary. "If it's going to be really shitty, he even gets donuts."
"One, I'm not Coulson," Evans said evenly, starting the car. "Two, I'm also an asshole and I don't care about sugar coating anything. So when was the last time you slept? Properly?"
I slunk down in the passenger seat, folding my arms like a petulant child. It was a cover to let my mind scramble for a suitable lie. I think the longest stretch of sleep I'd gotten was around four hours. My brain was lagging worse than a Windows 95 computer right now.
"Your lack of answer and the fact you're wearing Romanoff's concealer speaks more than words," Evans said calmly as we pulled out of the garage.
I said nothing except to lean forward to turn the air conditioner up in the car. The cold air was good for keeping awake.
Evans was silent for the first few minutes. It wasn't until we hit the first lot of traffic that he spoke again.
"I wasn't prepared for this," Evans' voice was calm, though his white knuckles on the steering wheel said otherwise. "When Coulson asked me two years ago to be the backup handler for STRIKE Team Delta, I never in my life expected for it to happen his quickly or to have an alien army come charging out of the sky with me having to clean up the aftermath."
My irritation was instantly gone. I felt awful for my childish anger. We weren't the only ones grieving and struggling right now.
"I thought you were my best hope of not pushing too hard or causing a problem with Pierce waving his dick around," Evans continued calmly.
"I'm sorry," I instantly apologized. I had to remind myself I did volunteer for this. Coulson wouldn't be taking my shit and I shouldn't be dishing it out to Evans either. "You're right. I am the best behaved child."
Evans gave me a tired smile. He wasn't looking much better than the rest of us.
"I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to snap." Evans closed hands flexed around the steering wheel. "I honestly don't know how Coulson does this."
Did. I silently corrected Evans. Nothing on Clint's face after his phone calls with Fury ever had a hint of hope or good news. It was one gut punch after the other. I kept my face impassive and counted from ten backward to keep myself calm. I had on far too much make-up to start crying in the car. I would bet good money Evans didn't keep a backup makeup kit in his car.
"Alcohol and a lot of bribery." I tried to keep my voice level. I even managed to plaster a small smile onto my face. "Especially when it came to Barton."
That got a small snort of amusement from Evans. Silence filled the car again as we crawled through the mid-morning traffic of DC.
I honestly had no idea what day it was. Judging by the traffic it was definitely a weekday. Everything had melted together in one big blur.
"I had to tell Laura about me and Clint."
It fell out of my mouth with no warning. It took my brain a second to register I'd actually spoken the words.
Evans took a few moments to blast his horn at some jerk who decided to cut us off.
"How did that go?" Evans asked warily.
"About as well as Abby would take it if you told her you were banging me," I said dryly. "But she's not kicking us out yet. I don't know what day it is but I'm sure we've still got a few days of vacation left."
Evans pause was far too long for our conversation. He was working his jaw back and forth looking annoyed. He caught me looking at him and took in a few deep, calming breaths. I raised an eyebrow, wondering what was going on in his head.
"Pierce wants at least one of you back. Preferably you over anyone else," Evans finally explained, looking annoyed. "Have you been watching the news?"
I shook my head quickly. That had been a bad idea and I wasn't about to replay the horror and guilt I'd been feeling earlier this morning.
"People want answers. Unluckily for you, when you and Jared let off your little show of powers there was a surveillance camera pointed right at your face," Evans continued, drumming his fingers on the wheel. "Guess what USAF had tucked away in their old news files?"
I knew exactly what it was. I'd been so proud of that tiny little news article of me standing in front of the F-22 I was about to fly. Top of my class. First female Raptor pilot. It wasn't huge in the grand scheme of news. I knew Mom still had a copy of it framed on the lounge room wall.
"I did tell Fury I would be the face of all of this." I couldn't keep the exhaustion from spilling out into my voice.
God, I was tired. I knew this was coming and I'd done nothing to prepare myself for it. Fuck, I'd even volunteered for it.
"Fury did also give you two weeks off and from my reports from Andrew, none of you are fit to set foot in the Triskelion." Evans paused to let out an angry sounding sigh. He reached up to rub a hand over his face. "I'm out of ideas."
"Whatever Pierce wants, I'll agree to it," I said, probably far too quickly.
Evans looked at me warily. It was the same judgment stare I was getting while back in my apartment.
"You're about three seconds from a mental breakdown. I'm two seconds in front of you." I didn't have the energy to fight with Evans about this. I needed him to agree to it. Honestly always worked with Coulson. I hoped it would with Evans. "Whatever Pierce wants obviously couldn't wait. If I agree with him and then have the mental breakdown I know is coming, Andrew will probably happily order me out of the field for six months."
There was a small huff of amusement from Evans. A hint of a smile crept onto his face.
"Some days you're far too much like Romanoff," Evans said in his gruff tone that was mostly affectionate. "Should I be like Oprah? Handing out mental breakdowns for everyone?"
I laughed so hard I ended up snorting. The mental breakdown wasn't far away but at least I knew I had support.
The sight of the Triskelion looming in the background cut the whiff of a good mood off as quickly as it had come on. Despite my easy answer to Evans, I felt my stomach start to roll. The waffles were crawling back up from my stomach, making my throat uncomfortable. I shifted the air vent directly onto my face to avoid the sweat I knew was going to break out. I wasn't ready for this at all.
But the shitty thing was, I knew I had to be ready for this. I flipped the visor down, checked my make-up, and adjusted my jacket. At least I looked ready. I really wasn't feeling ready.
Then again, when did I ever feel ready for the new shit life threw at me? I always managed to cope in the end. It may have been coping badly but I was still here and alive.
I clung to that thought as we drove over the bridge and to the entrance to the garage.
"Ready?" Evans paused before scanning his ID.
"Always." I flashed him a confident smile.
I was so not ready.
Authors Note
Even I'm surprised at how quickly this one came out. The next arc is easy. I know where it's mostly going and a lot of this had either been in draft form or going around my head since I knew the Avengers timeline was coming up. I've said it a few times but coming into the Winter Soldier is my favorite part of this story,
Two more weeks of Uni and I'm free! I've got the next five or so chapters planned really well so I'm hoping for quicker updates over summer. I've finally got full clearance to use my arm again, just in time for competition season to end. Which is typical timing.
I hope you've enjoyed the chapter everyone. I cherish every single review and thank you for sticking with me through a lot of very long breaks between chapters. I really do enjoy the original storyline a lot more than writing in the movies.
Until next time.