Summary: Mirajane gets a Love Meter, and of course it causes chaos within the guild.

Pairings: Elfman/Evergreen, some implied Lisanna/Mira/Elfman sibling feels, brief mention of Natsu/Lisanna, Gray/Juvia, one-sided Jet/Levy/Droy, Gajeel/Levy, Natsu/Lucy, some Gray/Lucy (all in Juvia's mind as per usual), general friendship feels, and Mira/Laxus.

Author's Note: For maidenoftheluminousrapture and her friend who made this request. I hope you both enjoy it.

"What's that Mira?"

The quiet, dreary, day immediately perked up when Mira returned from her shopping trip while carrying a heavy, metal, device that looked suspiciously a lot like a typewriter. Mira dropped it onto the bar with a loud bang and dusted her hands off with great satisfaction before she turned round and beamed at Wendy who had asked the question.

"My new matchmaking toy!" Mira said giddily. "It's a Love Meter, it will help me match make the best couples using the mathematics in their name!"

Immediately the entire guild either stiffened, sweat-dropped, or ever so slowly began to edge towards the door as the same thought swam throughout their minds; Oh dear God….

"Erm….that's nice," Wendy said hesitatingly, not entirely sure if everyone else agreed judging by how Lucy shook her head rapidly and Gray had started to swear. "How does it work?"

"Well I simply put in a person's name, say…..Elfman," Elfman's cry of 'Nee-Chan!' was entirely ignored as Mira did as she said and typed in his name. "And then for this bit I put another person's name in such as…..Evergreen."

"What?!" Evergreen squawked. "Why would you do that? When have I ever express so much as a flicker of interest in Elfman as a human being let alone as a-"

"Oh give it up," Bickslow rolled his eyes, "we all know you two are dating. Everyone saw you at the water theme park and we have photos from the Grand Magical Games."

"WHAT?!"

"And then," Mira continued as if no one had spoken at all, "I press this ," she pressed a small, round, red button, "and it should calculate their compatibility with one another."

Everyone took a step back when the love meter began to shake, there was a loud grinding noise as it vibrated against the wood, and for a moment some people thought it was going to explode, when suddenly it shot out a rainbow sparkle of fireworks which formed into a number;

15%.

"WHAT?!" Elfman roared in disbelief. "How unmanly," he sulked, he turned his piercing blue eyes to a bright pink (with embarrassment and crossness) Evergreen, "it must be because you are so unmanly," he informed her, "with all of your hitting and kicking and insulting me."

"Or maybe," Evergreen hissed between gritted teeth, "it's because you're a gigantic arse who keeps yelling manly and makes everyone want to kill you!"

"Woman, you are the un-manliest thing-"

"THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN!"

"Why is it Mira-nee," Lisanna sweat-dropped, "that you always have to cause something like this!"

"That?" Mira said dismissively, "That's nothing. Let's see who else is compatible in this guild," she smirked, her eyes glittering with mischief, "I can do you and Natsu, eh, eh," she elbowed her sister.

"No thank you," Lisanna said flatly. She was determined to have her sister miles and miles away from her love life. She didn't need the humiliation that Elfman was currently going through as Evergreen slapped him repeatedly with her fan. Quickly, Lisanna's eyes scanned the room for a distraction, and immediately she leaped at the first one she saw. A half-naked man and a blue shadow staring at him longing from behind a pillar. "How about Gray and Juvia?" she blurted out.

Gray spat out his drink at that. "What?!" he squeaked.

"Sounds perfect!" Mira said cheerfully as she erased Elfman's and Evergreen's names from the machine and began to type in Gray's name. "I'm sure Juvia would be excited to know."

"Oh I am!" Juvia cried out delightedly. "How marvellous!" Juvia clasped her hands to her chest. "Juvia knows that Gray-sama and Juvia will have a high percentage. They are nearly perfect for one another!"

The machine exploded a great big number;

79%

"Of course Juvia still has a lot of work to do," Juvia said mournfully, "she's nowhere near perfect enough for Gray-sama."

"You're perfect enough!" Gray snapped impatiently. "I thought we already established that I'm – oh crap!"

Juvia leaped across the room and threw her arms round Gray's neck. "Gray-sama is so sweet and kind and loving!" she shouted as she pulled Gray close to her body. "Juvia doesn't deserve such devotion!"

"Juvia!" Gray wheezed. "I can't breathe!"

Mira smiled radiantly at the sweet scene of Juvia suffocating Gray, completely and utterly unaware that Lisanna had slipped out of the guild and escaped from her matchmaking eye. Erza also slipped away, she had no intention in finding out exactly how incompatible the machine thought she was with cake.

Before Mira could say or do anything, Jet suddenly zoomed into her face. "Do me and Levy-Chan, Mira!" he yelled.

"No," Droy cried out as he suddenly elbowed Jet out of the way, "do me and Levy-Chan!"

Jet shoved Droy's head down out of the way, using it as an arm rest. "Me!" he shouted childishly before Droy shoved him off of him.

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"No, me!"

"ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!" Mira bellowed. "I'll do both of you and Levy," she said firmly. Both boys' faces lit up with excitement. "First, Jet, since he asked first."

Jet stuck his tongue out at Droy who turned his nose up and looked indignant. Mira ignored the pair as she tapped in Jet's name and then Levy's into the Love Meter. As usual, it vibrated before it shot out another sparkly number;

25%

"Ha! Ha!" Droy cackled as he pointed at Jet who looked dismayed. "Not very high at all."

"Oh yeah!" Jet growled. "Let's see if you do any better."

"Droy," Mira murmured as she typed the name in, "and Levy."

33%

Droy turned at pleased and incredibly smug look at Jet's direction. "It's not that much better," Jet muttered, "no need to rub it in."

"Gajeel," Mira said, now entirely bored of Jet and Droy's antics and wanting to play with her new toy some more, "and Levy."

"WHAT?!"

94%

"WHAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" both Jet and Droy screamed as they clung to one another. "LEVY-CHAN!"

"Gihihihihihihihihi."

Gajeel had watched the whole thing with the greatest amusement. Very much pleased with the result, Lily, however, was incredibly unimpressed. "I don't know why you're sniggering," he said flatly, "you've still done nothing to actually woo the lady."

"Shut up!"

"Well he's right," Levy sniffed, "all the compatibility in the world won't matter if you're not gonna actually step up and do some actual wooing."

Gajeel smirked. "You want wooing?" he asked. "Then I'll give you wooing." And with that he grabbed Levy round the waist and flung her over his shoulder. "I'll take you out for dinner," he grunted as he slapped her bottom.

"Eek!" Levy squealed as she clutched her backside. "None of us said it had to be rough wooing!" she yelled.

"How wonderful!" Mira cried out happily as she clutched her hands under her chin. "My first match using my brand new love meter! Who else? Cana? Freed? Laxus?"

"I don't need a fricking machine to tell me who I'm perfect with," Laxus said with his usual tone of boredom, "I already know," at this he looked at her pointedly.

"You're so sweet."

"Hmmph."

"Aha!" Mira was instantly distracted as her eyes fell upon one of her favourite pairings. "Natsu, Lucy, let me put your names through in this."

"Erm….." Natsu said slowly as Lucy turned pink and refused to look at him or Mira, or even speak, "okay?" he shrugged.

Mira squealed excitedly and tapped in their names. No one bothered to pay attention to the vibrating and sparkly explosions, already used to the new edition to typical Fairy Tail chaos, that is until the number came out;

99%

"What?!" Gray yelped. "That's utter bullshit! There's no way that idiot can be that compatible with someone like Lucy. She'll murder him in his sleep one day. I have money on it."

"What?!" Both Natsu and Lucy yelled. "Wanna repeat that you icy bastard?" Natsu added in a dangerous voice.

"Yeah, I-"

"Love Rival," Juvia glowered, "you have been told by the love meter, pure magical science in love matching making, that Natsu-san is your near perfect match. So stop seducing Gray-sama!"

"I'm not doing anything!" Lucy wailed.

"Now you mention it," Mira said slyly, "I always did wonder how Lucy and Gray would be as a couple." Gray and Lucy's protests, and Juvia's wails, were completely and utterly ignored as Mira hurriedly typed the two names in. "And voila!"

85%

"Gray-sama and Love Rival are a better match than Juvia and Gray-sama?!" Juvia shouted despairingly. "Juvia…..Juvia….has no choice but to step aside…." She mumbled as a gloomy, grey, cloud began to form above her head. "Juvia will not get in the way of Gray-sama's better match if that is what Gray-sama wants…."

"What?!" Natsu bellowed furiously. "No way! I'm Luce's better match. Don't give up, Juvia!"

"Yeah," Gray agreed, "it's not that much higher than ours. We're pretty close to that as well, show her the numbers again Mira."

Mira did so only this time the number that came out was 23%

"WAH!" Juvia wailed as tears sprang down her cheeks and immediately began to flood the guild. Several people jumped onto tables and stools in order to avoid getting their shoes and trousers wet. "Gray-sama's and Juvia's compatibility dropped!"

"What?" Mira shook her head disbelievingly. "This makes no sense!" Hurriedly Mira typed in all the previous names she used before. Suddenly Elfman and Evergreen's compatibility jumped up to a sixty seven while Jet and Levy's became a fifty five and Droy and Levy's dropped all the way down to a thirteen, Gajeel and Levy's also dropped down to a seventy two, and then finally Natsu and Lucy went down to a fricking one per cent! "ALL RIGHT!" she growled furiously. "WHICH ONE OF YOU ARSEHOLES BROKE MY LOVE METER?!"

Everyone shirked away from Mira's ire and pointed at one another in a panic, hoping to throw off her attention from them.

"Tch," Laxus clucked his tongue, "Ain't it obvious babe?" he said as he eyed the love meter with disapproval. "The whole thing is a con. After all, how does a name tell you how compatible a person is?"

"But….but…..I was really looking forwards to having a new tool in my matchmaking set," Mira hung her head in disappointment. She sighed heavily as she realised Laxus was right. After all, what was the science in people's names to make them perfectly matched? Did that mean every Natsu and Lucy in the world were meant to be with one another? "Ara!" she cried out. "And I spent so much money on this as well."

"Don't worry," Laxus cricked his neck, "I'll get it back for you. Then you can take me out for dinner."

"Oh Laxus!" Mira cried out. "You're so sweet."

And with that, the love meter seller had to quickly skip town before a certain Lightning Dragon Slayer killed him.

A few weeks later Mira walked past a magic shop in which a new set of love meters were on display in the window. Unable to resist she halted before it and began to eye them longingly. Laxus, who was very hungry for the dinner Mira owed him, lost patience instantly and grabbed hold of her. "But they don't use names to calculate the love!" Mira protested. "They use birthdays!" she whined as Laxus dragged her away by the collar of her dress.

"How the hell will that help?!" Laxus barked. "Half the guild doesn't even know when their real birthdays are."