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Chapter 23

Longbourn that same moment…

Jane sat on the edge of her seat looking adoringly upon the fine figure of Mr Bingley patiently listening to her mother prattle on and on. He had come to call this morning and seemed a little out of sorts… the day was finally here. Mr Bingley must be of a mind to ask for her hand!

In the hall, Kitty began an argument with Lydia, and Mary exchanged a look with Mr Bennet, rolling their eyes at one another. Normally, Jane would have blushed her embarrassment at such poor displays by her family, but she could barely contain her anticipation of what was surely to happen during the call.

"Jane!" came her mother's insistent tone. A Pained smile upon her features.

"Miss Bennet, would you care to join me for a turn about the garden? Asked Bingley turned towards her looking at her expectantly.

"That would be lovely. I shall just fetch my pelisse." She said trying not to fly from the room.

Jane vaguely heard her mother snap at Mary for offering to chaperone, pointing out that if they were in the garden, there was no need for Mary to accompany them.

"Thank you, Mama." She whispered gratefully.

Mr Bingley was silent as he led them through the barren trees and the lawn just starting to peek its tips through the dissipating snow. Soon they passed through the hedges into the hidden garden and out the opposite side and onto the main road. Jane thought he looked very handsome in his royal blue greatcoat and top hat.

Mr Bingley expelled a heavy breath producing a misty swirl of air ahead of them, "I am to leave for London tomorrow morning."

"Yes, you said as much last week. And I am for Kent at the end of the week to spend the festive season with Lizzy."

"Yes, of course..."

Turning towards him, "When are you planning to return to Netherfield? You will not be gone too long I hope." At his frown she hastened to add, "I am sure that your sisters shall feel your absence keenly."

"Caroline and Louisa are to join me." He said, looking into the distance.

"You are all to quit Netherfield?" Jane stuttered a little. "I suppose you would all want to be together at this time of year."

"Yes, and Caroline is eager to attend the season after Christmas..."

Jane attempted a lighter tone more in the vein of her sister Elizabeth, "It sounds as though you will not find your way back here for some time, Mr Bingley?"

"It is that London is so chaotic and consuming. It is easy to forget anything else exists past its boundaries."

"Am I so easily forgotten?" She blurted before she could stop herself.

"I am not speaking eloquently - forgive me I am rather tired."

"Then what is it you are trying to say?" she asked gently.

Halting their movements, he struggled to find the right words, "Indeed, what it is that I am trying to say… I ah…that is…"

"Yes?" she whispered unintentionally leaning in towards him.

Clearing his throat roughly, "Well, there is no need to put it in definite terms. It is as I said. I am going to London with my sister's tomorrow morning."

Frowning and looking away Jane's hurt carried through the still air, "You are to be dismissive."

"That is not fair, I am at odds with how to approach this conversation."

A ringing began to sound in Jane's ears, and she found her gaze fixed dumbly on some obscure point in the distance. Mr Bingley was still talking in disjointed sentences and hedging around the point he was trying to make, but to Jane it was clear that he was trying to make a clean break from her with no intention of renewing their relationship. How had things come to this?

"I care for you, and you know that I think you are the most handsome lady of my acquaintance... I am afraid I promised my father to marry into an alliance that would provide for the future of the Bingley bloodline..."

She flinched.

"Jane, I beg of you do not be angry with me. There were no promises made -". He moved to take her hand, but she stepped back out of his reach.

Jane blanched as she placed a hand over her splintering heart, "You told me that you cared for me. That you cared for me more than any other woman of your acquaintance." She gasped.

"Yes, and I am not lying - that I do."

Crossing her arms, "Pray, do not be shocked when I say that I do not believe you."

Mr Bingley jerkily pulled his hat from his head and threaded his fingers roughly into the front of his hair, "Please, do not make this harder than it already is. If I were only considering my own feelings things might be different. Jane, I have to consider my responsibilities to my family. My parents died after working themselves to the bone for us and I cannot let my father down. Only I am responsible for the continuation of my bloodline, and I made promises to him on his deathbed, and I intend to keep them."

"Meaning?"

Clutching his hat between his hands he began pacing, "I need to marry a lady of social standing, whose family has connexions and no threat of scandal nor uncouth manners. I must marry a lady who has a...a…"

"A substantial dowry?"

"Yes!" he answered graspingly turning towards her, then his expression sobering as he realised what he had admitted to. "Forgive me that was unkind." Tries to hold her.

"No. Do not come near me. How can you be so cruel? To tell me these things and then to try to comfort me!" she said with a tremble to her bottom lip.

"You are not wrong. Indeed, Caroline was right to remind me of my duty." he said, his voice flat. "I know I have not treated you fairly. I should have checked my behaviour when Darcy warned me not to show such a marked preference unless I was certain of my feelings. I wish I had listened. I might have saved us from such heartache."

"Miss Bingley? Mr Darcy?!" she exclaimed her heart beating wildly.

"Jane, I do not have the luxury of marrying for love. I have always known I am meant for a marriage of convenience. I owe it to my sisters to shed the taint of trade once and for all. To give us a better standing in this life and for future generations to come. When speaking plainly with Darcy over our situation, he made me realise that though we are close friends, I will never have the freedoms he has. Jane, I-"

"It is Miss Bennet to you sir!"

"Do not be like this. Can we not be adults and handle this rationally and maturely." He said imploringly.

"All this time I resented Miss Bingley for her tenacity and rudeness to my family. When I should have appreciated that at least she was not hiding behind a facade of kindness and gentlemanly behaviour. You are a snake to toy with my heart. And so openly raising expectations among all the families here, of which you cannot be ignorant!

"I-I do care for you a great deal –" he tried again his expression pained.

"You do Not care for me!" she sobbed stressing every word. "People do not use and manipulate the innocence of the ones you care for."

"I did no such thing?" he argued.

"You took liberties knowing what I was anticipating from you, sir. You kissed me and whispered words of love to me without any intention of being honourable."

"A kiss is hardly ruin –"

Turning abruptly, Jane turned to go back to Longbourn. She could not bear to be in his presence a moment longer.

"Jane please." He begged rushing ahead and blocking her path. "I do not wish to leave things like this. Darcy is my friend and I do not want there to such hostility between us when we see one another on occasion."

Moving her gaze so that she that they were glaring directly into his, "You are beneath me, sir. I am a gentleman's daughter, and you are merely the lowly son of a tradesman. This association between us is laughable! I have realised the error of my misjudgements. For treating me so ill, I will not give you the absolution you crave. And when you see me on occasion you will not receive open hostility from me. You will receive nothing, because to me, you are nothing." turning she walked away.

"Jane!" He called in a strangled cry.

Jane walked until she rounded the bend in the road, then picking up her skirts, she ran as fast as she could. She passed Longbourn and kept on running leading into the woods until her lungs burned, and her legs gave out. Falling onto the firm sloppy woodland floor and paying no attention the mud splatters to her cheeks and the water seeping into her petticoats from the earth to press coolly into her skin of her knees, she looked at the ground in numb shock.

Slowly her body began tremble until finally her grief. Overcame her and she curled into herself and wept until exhaustion took the last of her tears. Then collecting herself, Jane patted her cheeks dry, thankful that the chill in the air should have kept her eyes from becoming overly puffy. Standing, she did the best to try to clean the dirt from her skirts and plastered her trademark serene expression on her face. When she reached Longbourn she was grateful that she was able to sneak in through the back and up to her room without detection from her family. When her mother came to fetch her for dinner, she pleaded a headache and spent the rest of the evening in her rooms and away from her mother's pestering about why Mr Bingley had not declared himself. Jane had informed her shortly that he was leaving for London the following morning, which had her mother making proclamations that he must be going there to visit the Jewellers…

Rosings Park two days later...

Elizabeth and Fitzwilliam's interlude had been brought to a swift end by Lady Catherine and her loud demands. They had giggled all the way to their rooms and had been in the early stages of becoming distracted, when her husband's Valet had interrupted them with summons from her Ladyship.

Anne de Bourgh was truly unwell and had not had the energy to leave her bed for the first two days. Elizabeth had taken some time to read to the woman and could tell that there was a simmering animosity behind the woman's frail visage, though she seemed to enjoy the book Elizabeth had been reading to her. She could not be surprised to find her so, had Miss de Bourgh not believed that she would bear the appellation of Mrs Darcy?

Currently Elizabeth, was walking towards Hunsford parsonage to visit with Charlotte. It been two days and they had yet to sit and talk since Elizabeth had caught her and Richard in the maze. It is not that she was avoiding her, in truth she had hardly seen her own husband these past two days. His aunt had been quite tiresome with her demands on his time, as had his cousins and the Earl of Matlock, that she had failed to stay awake before he had retired to his rooms. Then this morning she had awoken to the start of her monthly courses, which would postpone any further intimacy between them for next four to five days – and how would she explain this to Fitzwilliam? Even thinking of attempting such a conversation had her cheeks heating. And to top matters off, she had received a letter this morning from Jane to tell her that she had caught a cold and did not feel well enough to travel to Rosings!

Once she had been shown into Charlotte's sitting room, the two friends fell into an awkward silence that neither knew how to break. Charlotte sat in a dull greyish blue gown, with her hair slicked into a practical style, though it was obvious that she had been feeling nervous and agitated by the creases in her skirts from where she had been worrying and bunching it before Elizabeth's arrival, as had always been her friends' habit when nervous.

Clearing her throat nervously Charlotte, "Would you like some tea?"

"That would be lovely, thank you." Replied Elizabeth, "Your home is very pleasant." She added.

They waited in mute reticence for the tea to arrive, both equally please for the distraction of pouring the tea once it had arrived.

"Oh, out with it, Lizzy!" demanded Charlotte all of a sudden.

"Out with it?"

"Yes. You are not one to hold your tongue… every. I know you have many things you wish to ask and upbraid me for, and I would prefer it if you just got on with it." Charlotte demanded with a flourish her hands.

"Well, now that you raise the topic… when? How? What on earth possessed you?!" she grappled.

"Is it so difficult to believe that I might be desirable?"

"Do not purposefully be obtuse to my meaning!"

Charlotte huffed and buried her face in her hands. "I am not even certain of how this happened myself… well, I know how it happened, but I cannot believe that I have acted so rashly. I confess it did not seem so terrible when it was happening. Trust me that your expression when you came upon us is something that will reinforce my shame and haunt me forever."

"Oh Charlotte, please do not be too severe on yourself. I admit to being shocked, but I do not hate you or despise you. I believe I was more frightened by the way the Colonel was handling you." She moved to wrap her arms around her dear friend.

Her friend blushed crimson, something Elizabeth hadn't seen her do since they were young girls.

"Yes, well I fear I will need something stronger to drink before we have that kind of discussion!" she giggled giving Elizabeth a gentle push with her shoulder.

"Very well, we shall leave that for a little later. For now, tell me please how this all began?" Elizabeth said topping up their teacups.

"Goodness, Richa – Colonel Fitzwilliam and I had always seemed to gravitate towards one another before my engagement to Mr Collins. I cannot describe it but there was always something simmering under the surface, a heat or spark, if you will. I am not that I am describing it very well, am I?"

"I understand you completely." Elizabeth assured her, "Tell me when this first happened?"

"It happened on the day of your wedding the first time. We first kissed at the ball, but the first time that we were intimate was at your wedding." Confessed Charlotte with a grimace.

Eyes going wide and mouth agape, "Charlotte!" Elizabeth admonished. "But why did you do it? Why behave so recklessly?

"I am no fool and do not regret marrying Mr Collins." She said with a stern look at her younger friend, before continuing. "However, I did want to take something for myself. I saw Mr Collins and Rich- the Colonel stood in conversation, and I just wanted to know how it would feel to be with a masculine man. I just could not submit myself to married life, of routine and banality without taking this for myself. Do not think I did not try to talk myself out of this, but the more I tried the more I convinced myself that I had lived a dutiful and boring life, always by the book and I needed to see where that spark would lead." Charlotte said with fierce determination in her eyes and straightened her posture bravely.

"And then...?" Elizabeth asked causing her friend to giggle.

Looking to the clock on the mantle Charlotte excused herself momentarily and returned with two glasses of red wine.

"It is late afternoon, and we will call for the carriage to come and collect you home." Charlotte whispered naughtily giving Elizabeth a glass and clinking hers against it.

"I approve of this Charlotte – now I beg you, do not keep me in suspense any longer!"

"It was a day after you left that my brother caught the Colonel and I walking alone and scolded me for such foolish behaviour. The next thing I knew Mr Collins and I were being rushed to the alter with a special licence my brother had arranged. I had gone to speak with the Colonel directly, informing him that our…interlude, could not happen again but the words my brother had said to me kept intruding in my mind -"

"What had your brother said?" Elizabeth asked, her wine glass nearly empty. She was already feeling its affects after skipping lunch and not being used to having her wine without it being watered down.

Downing her glass, a sad expression overtook her friends' soft features. "He told me that before I was engaged he would not worry, as I would hardly be a target. It is a lucky thing for me that I am so plain… but that my husband might disapprove of such behaviour, and I did not want to ruin my only chance at getting married.

"I will be sure to give your brother a good speaking to when next I see him!"

"There is no need. That day was when I finally released all my suppressed anger and disappointments from my life. I have never felt so powerful and desirably feminine - we had the most incredible and I will confess rough coupling. It was thrilling and has been impossible to give up. I do not know how to resist him, and I fear I shall not be able to." Charlotte despaired.

"Then you should not have accepted Collins."

"Oh Lizzy, if only it were that simple. Richard and I are not in love. It is purely carnal and the one selfish act I have ever allowed myself. I have always been duty bound and there is an elation at not being a burden on my parents and truly becoming a woman. This is not because I despise my husband or cannot bear his attentions. He is not all bad, he is just... well... he is... just not a dominant character as I would have preferred, now knowing that my preferences lean more that way – but how is a woman to broach such a topic, we can only accept the kind of attentions our husbands want to give us. Mr Collins cares for me a great deal and he is always trying to please me. Though, secondarily to Lady Catherine." She said with a roll of her eyes.

The rest of their conversation was interrupted by Mr Collins arriving home, and fortuitously for Elizabeth with one of Lady Catherine's carriages.