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24.
"There you are." Said Fitzwilliam striding into the sitting room Elizabeth had chosen as the perfect spot away from Lady Catherine. A lock of dark hair curled over his brow as he sat beside her, and Elizabeth's fingers itched to brush it, but he anticipated her and brushed it back with his hand.
Elizabeth had arrived back to the house mind and emotions in turmoil. Her mind was overfull, her stomach full of monthly cramps and nerves uncertain from the wine she had partaken of. After finding this small room on the side of the woodland, Elizabeth had ordered some raisin scones with strawberries and cream, eating far more than she would normally allow herself.
"Are you well?" he asked his concern evident.
"Stop fussing, I am perfectly well and content and happy." She told him.
Arching a brow he peered at the now empty plate of scones, "Am I fussing?" he asked. His tone was not even remotely attractive and yes, she felt it caress all the way to the tips of her toes.
"That is how it seems, Sir." She said trying for an even tone. "If I had known you were to join me, I would have saved you a scone. Would you like me to ring the bell for some more?"
He shook his head, his lips turning up into a small smile, "No need, I believe there is a bit left." He said capturing her wrist and bringing it to his lips, "You left some here." Warmth engulfed her index finger as his tongue flicked out to lick some cream she had missed from her forefinger. He gently sucked the cream off her finger, his tongue swirling and caressing the extended digit.
Fascinated, she watched as her finger disappeared into his mouth, a small sigh escaping her. He finished by pressing an open-mouthed kiss in the centre of her palm. "Delicious," he whispered.
Her breath caught as the pulse at the base of her neck beat hard and fast, clear evidence of her desire. She turned her hand and pulled him towards her and kissed him, a gentle press of her lips as her tongue hesitantly tasted the seam of his lips. He opened for her and allowed her to deepen the kiss shifting his weight to press her backwards. Elizabeth put her hand to push at his chest and broke the kiss.
"What is the matter?" he whispered against her lips.
Elizabeth pushed him further back to allow herself some space. She could already feel the flush of embarrassment creeping up her neck. "Forgive me. But I cannot."
Peeking up at him, she suddenly noticed his colour pale, "Oh Lizzy, I did not mean to push you to think me such a rogue. I was not intending to take you here. I am sorry if I made you feel any discomfort."
"There is no need to look so contrite, you have not made me uncomfortable." She pressed worrying at her bottom lip.
He gave her a look of disbelief before standing abruptly and moving to stand by the window, completely withdrawn. Elizabeth sighed realising that if she did not tell Fitzwilliam the truth, they would be taking ten painfully awkward steps backwards. In truth she would have to tell him at some point during their marriage, this would be a monthly occurrence, afterall.
"Fitzwilliam, I promise you have done nothing wrong. It is something that cannot be helped."
"Oh?" he said distantly.
"For goodness sake Fitzwilliam! Please come here and sit with me. It is simply the wrong time…" she trailed off unsure how to put into words her discomfort.
"You mean it is too soon? I hurt you before when we… when I…?" he said gesturing with his hands vaguely, his colour heightening in his cheeks.
"Fitzwilliam, it is my monthly courses." She spat out her cheeks flaming.
She whipped her head up at the sound of his light chuckle, "Elizabeth, I was so worried I had hurt you in some way. Do not fret or feel embarrassed, it is completely natural. You have been given a gift Lizzy! Do not squander it!" He said taking his seat beside her once more.
"A gift? Well yes, I suppose most would call it a miracle." She huffed a little irritated.
"Of course. But not only that. Now you can claim fatigue and retire early or keep to your rooms without being harangued by my harridan of an aunt!"
"And have everyone guess why? How embarrassing!"
"Well, I would think they would most likely assume I have quite worn you out my dear."
Elizabeth rolled her eyes and playfully punched his chest, "Stop speaking nonsense!" she laughed.
"Very well. Is there anything I can do for your comfort Mrs Darcy." His said his gaze softening
"No, that is not necessary." Elizabeth said before she thought of a way to use this to her advantage, "Well, actually…"
"Yes?" he murmured gently.
"I should like for you to read to me."
"That would be very enjoyable. And would you like a hot chocolate?" he asked moving to pull the bell.
"Oh yes, that would be just the thing!" she sighed with delight moving to the small selections of books on the shelves against the wall.
"My sister is the same. Chocolate always soothes her when she gets her courses."
Elizabeth could not hide her shock at his words, "You know of your sisters' courses?"
"Yes." He shrugged and then asked with a questioning frown, "Is that odd?"
"I would not call it odd, only I would never tell my father of mine and I am sure he has never taken it upon himself to find out."
"Well, it is not something that we discuss as brother and sister every month and I do not know exactly when they occur. Merely, there was no one else to discuss it with when it first happened. I still remember her fear when she sent for me thinking she was grievously ill. Aunt Dot had mentioned it to me when Georgie was a lot younger, but I had forgotten to forewarn her." He said moving to lean against the wall beside her.
"It is hard for me to imagine a life without my mother or my sister's. That must have been a difficult and embarrassing conversation to have." Elizabeth said selecting a book at random and moving to sit.
Fitzwilliam followed here, pulling one of her curls and watching it bounce. "I suppose I had never thought of it as something to be embarrassed of."
"No?!"
He shrugged. "Why would I?"
Rolled her eyes.
"Do you not think it unwise to roll your eyes at your husband?" he asked with a teasing glint in his eyes.
She shrugged, "Why would I?" she teased mimicking him.
Suddenly he pulled her into his arms and began kissing her cheeks and her neck as she squealed in delight, laughing playfully as she turned her head to capture his lips.
A loud knock on the door startled them and Elizabeth flew from Fitzwilliam's arms to the other side of the settee. Looking to the open door they could see the shadow of a man hovering just out of sight.
"Yes." Said Fitzwilliam irritably.
"It is only I." said Colonel Fitzwilliam as he strode into the room. "I feel that we are now even at least." He said gruffly coming to stand before them.
"Watch how you speak to my wife, Richard." Warned Fitzwilliam, his expression darkening.
"My apologies, it did not sound that way in my thoughts." He gave a respectful bow to Elizabeth. "I am come to thank you for visiting Mrs Collins and for your understanding of the… situation. It would not have been fitting should you and Mrs Collins fallen out. But she has assured me you did not scold her or exchange cross words."
"That is true, Colonel, because I was saving my thorough dressing down for you!" she replied curtly.
"Me?" he exclaimed affronted.
"Yes! You are a man of the world and you have seduced my friend and treated her ill. She is a married woman!" Elizabeth said angrily. "How dare you do such a thing without offering for her. Instead, you let her settle for a life with Mr Collins! Is she to be someone you play with annually?!" She said trying to keep her voice from rising too high.
"Mrs Darcy please do not overstep."
"I should not care where I step. In what I am saying you know that I am right. You seduced her before she was wed. Shame on you."
She watched as his colour neared purple in his rage, but with Fitzwilliam here he did not dare lose his temper. It was a wonder that her husband even intimidated military men, it was an arousing thought, she acknowledged.
"You know not what you speak madam! I would have offered for her, in fact I promised to do just that, but her brother and father saw us-"
"That is another thing that has caused me much agitation, Colonel. You seem to have no care for her reputation to be taking advantage of her where you will continuously caught in the act!" she interrupted.
"Enough" he croaked, "I will not have you saying I am taking advantage of the woman I love. Had I known that they had seen us I would have acted quicker. Circumstances with my regiment required my immediate attention, I returned with every intention of speaking with her father, but she had married him."
Tears filled Elizabeth's eyes and Fitzwilliam moved to place a supportive hand on his cousin's shoulder and at the same time gave him a look of warning that he must regain his composure.
"Colonel, I did not know. Charlotte told me-"
"Yes, she confessed to me what she told you, I do not think she could bear your pity. Mr Collins is sadly collateral damage." He said quietly.
They were called to attendance shortly after by Lady Catherine for dinner. The conversation around the table was small and her Ladyship delighted in holding court. Extolling the duties, one had to one's family.
A few days later the Earl returned with Lady Matlock, Lady Francesca and Miss Georgiana, but without Aunt Dorothea, who refused to step food on de Bourgh lands. Otherwise, it was as if they were living through what should have been their courtship had they had been fortunate to fall in love and not into compromise. The days were theirs to enjoy and were so splendid that the evenings spent in her ladyship's presence were no hardship, even when she insisted on spending part of each day teaching Elizabeth how to comport herself in her new position within society.
Christmas came and passed with Anne making much progress in her health, though she was still fatigued and struggling to eat more than a few mouthfuls per day. She appeared to be an isolate sort of individual without any companionship near her in age. Elizabeth had visited and walked with Charlotte regularly and when the Colonel and his family along with Miss Georgiana, took their leave two days following Christmas, her friends smile failed to reach her eyes and she struggled to follow a conversation. Not knowing how to appease her friend, Elizabeth offered for her to accompany them to Hertfordshire, but Charlotte declined as her husband would need her support with his duties in the coming months.
On the last day of their stay, Elizabeth decided to visit Anne and finish the last chapter of the book they had all been taking turns to read to her. Elizabeth was pleased to find Miss de Bourgh out of bed and in her private sitting room.
"Good morning. It brings me great joy to see you so well recovered as to be out of bed." She said warmly as she moved over to where Anne was sat painting a small wooden figure.
Miss Anne explained she was in the process of changing the aesthetic of her dolls house in bored tones. Elizabeth did not know what to make of this. She knew that Anne was older that her by almost four years and that she should be past such childish games. But then the woman before her had hardly lived a life full of amusements or lively pursuits to outgrow the joys of her youth, or perhaps they were a reminder of a time she preferred.
"What is your aesthetic?" Elizabeth asked politely.
"Expensive and spiteful!" At Elizabeth's expression she added, "Do not be so shocked. I try to make it expensive enough to make up for the fact I have never been allowed to have my come out, or go to a ball…" she sighed, "Or even learn to dance. But no matter how often I rearrange, decorate, and purchase new fabrics and miniature furniture's, it does not come close." She sighed wistfully.
Elizabeth not knowing what to say chose to remain silent and pay closer attention to the dolls house. It was magnificent. It had five floors and each floor it seemed depicted a different scene. There was the top floor which housed the loads of cats. All painted with great detail and up to all sorts of mischief. Elizabeth could not supress a small chuckle at the one climbing the drapes. The fourth floor was home to exotic animals and fruits and was loudly colourful. The third floor was depicting a large ball, with an orchestra and chandeliers and couples dancing. The second floor was a large theatre with more chandeliers and a main stage where the play appeared to be Romeo and Juliet. Finally, the first floor was a wedding where the bride was a brunette with flowers in her hair and the groom was tall, dark, and handsome. There was even a figurine of what looked like the Colonel in his regimentals.
Could this be her imagined wedding to Fitzwilliam? Thought Elizabeth.
"I never wanted to Marry cousin William." Anne said suddenly as if reading her thoughts.
"Oh…" Replied Elizabeth dumbly.
"Indeed. Why should I? I have the luxury so many women lack. One day I will inherit my family's estate. Marriage would do nothing but require me to ignore that inheritance to favour my husband's estate. My cousin has plenty with which to concern himself at Pemberley — why should he wish to take on Rosing's as well? And for my part, I'd much prefer to be mistress of Rosing's in my own right. So, you see it is better for us both in the end that this whole notion of a marriage between us is abandoned. And really, I don't think that Cousin William intended to make me an offer any more than I intended to accept one."
"I confess I feared you might be cross with me-" Elizabeth began but Anne cut off, as if she hadn't heard her.
"All these men of high rank!" she spat with scorn. "I see the land-owning class as oppressive and tyrannical. All thieves - even my father was as arrogant as any other. Most think he was good to me to leave me Rosing's but there is stipend." She said stabbing her brush aggressively into the paint, "I can either wait until my thirtieth birthday, or I have to marry a gentleman of great wealth to be granted a small sum of my inheritance. If I bless our union with one son, I get a little more - but if we're to give an heir and a spare then the land will pass to me as caretaker until my second son can be lord of the land. It is not likely that I will live to see my thirtieth year… but you are correct. I am cross with you."
"Miss de Bourgh, I am at a loss of what I could have done to upset you if you were truly against marrying Fitzwilliam." Said Elizabeth moving to sit on the window seat in front of the doll's house.
"I said I did not wish to marry him, not that I did not like him. He is as arrogant and entitled as all men, but he is kind to me without treating me like an invalid. The only one who has tried to free me from this cage, because of you I will be left here and forgotten. You have taken the one person from me who has challenged me and made time for me. He gifted me this dolls house, I treasure it above all the jewels my father left me, of course, they are to be kept in the vault until I marry or come of age."
"By that statement you allow yourself to be caged in and await whichever fate somebody else decides for you and the ones making those decisions are decidedly female." Said Elizabeth.
"You speak of things you cannot comprehend." Miss de Bourgh snapped her eyes flashing.
"And you make uneducated statements - until you have met all men you cannot tarnish them all so harshly. You have even admitted that it is a man whom you hold dearest than any other in the world." Came Elizabeth's quick rejoinder.
Tinkling laughter "What a wicked thing you are."
"I am speaking plainly with you - or do you prefer that I listen and accept your tale of woe? You have chosen the wrong lady to engage in this conversation with. I have experienced circumstances where my own choices stripped from me, but I will not be a victim. There will come a time when women stand equal with men in the eyes of the law, but until that time I will do my utmost to teach my children of the importance of being true. We are all born with advantages and disadvantages. Even poor Mr Bingley who is one of the most congenial gentlemen I know is tainted because his family made an honest, working living in trade to gain their fortune. How can you distinguish right and wrong when you are entering the realms of guilty and innocent by group or by sex, class etcetera? It is dangerous conviction."
"Because that is what we live in regardless."
"There you have revealed your complete indoctrination into societies institution of the class divides."
"Yes, and you are marrying into such an institutionalized circle of the de Bourgh's, Fitzwilliam's and Darcy's. Let us revisit this conversation after a year or more when your fine silks, jewels and private boxes become the way you in which you come to define yourself."
"You are even harder and severe upon your own sex." Said Elizabeth incredulously. "We are all to be damned under your scrutiny." She added standing.
"Money and the adulation that often comes with it changes people. Your so-called independence and so-called truth you believe you own are a joke. You own father saw the benefits of forcing this union. You who are told what to read / how to be accomplished all to gain the attention of a man. This idea of individual liberation you cling to is deemed immoral and illicit by your husband and his peers. Fitzwilliam is the best of a cruel collective, how somehow managed to enforce their will as law."
"I am sorry if you dislike me –"
"Dislike you? Not that is not a strong enough word for what I feel! I despise you Mrs Darcy. You have robbed me of my only source of comfort. You have taken something very precious from me."
"I do not wish to quarrel; I will express my disappointment that we could not have formed a friendship."
"The one benefit of knowing that I shall die young is not fearing speaking the truth. I did not wish to marry him and selfish as it sounds, I did not wish him to marry while I still lived."
Just then footman interrupted them to inform Elizabeth that the carriage was now ready to depart. With a weary sigh Elizabeth bid Anne a farewell, that was not acknowledged and made her way to the waiting carriage. She was anxious to reach Netherfield and see her sisters. There was much that did not sit well with her since she had received Jane's letter informing her that she and Mary would not be coming to Rosings for Christmas. Fitzwilliam had heard from Mr Bingley, who was not currently residing at Netherfield, but had graciously agreed that they could stay there during our visit to Hertfordshire. She had tried to press Fitzwilliam about his friend's absence, but he had simply shrugged and said that Mr Bingley had not given his reasons in his letter. Elizabeth would speak to Jane alone and get to the bottom of this. Hopefully their conversation will prove her worries unfounded.