Summary: The ages for Macao and Wakaba are confusing, an explanation to why they look so old when according to one of the OVAs there is only seven years between them and Natsu and Co.

Pairings: Cana/Booze, slight mention of Gray/Juvia if you squint, and general friendship feels.

YouTube Prompt: Crack video of Loke to the Suit song from How I Met Your Mother.

"Why do you look so old?"

It had been a somewhat quiet afternoon when Cana, already past the tipsy stage, suddenly blurted out this question to Macao and Wakaba.

"Excuse me?" Macao cried out indignantly. "What do you mean we look old?"

"Yeah!" Wakaba looked offended. "We're still in our prime."

"I don't mean to be rude," Cana said, though she looked as if she didn't care if she was or not, "it's just….you were teenagers when we were all eleven. There's only like seven or something years between us and if you add the seven years we were stuck on Tenrou that makes fourteen."

"And?"

"Well why do you two look like you're in your fifties instead of your late thirties like you're supposed to?" Cana asked. "And do not say the stress of running of the guild because Gramps has been running it when there was Natsu destroying a building every week and he looked exactly the same the entire time." Cana took a swig of her drink and then looked thoughtfully at the selection of spirits behind the bar. "I think he's immortal or something."

"Exactly how much have you had to drink this morning?" Gajeel drawled.

"I WANT TO KNOW!"

"All right, all right," Wakaba said quickly, "we'll tell you why we look older than we actually are but you have to promise that you listen carefully because we're not telling you again."

"Yeah," Macao agreed, "and it would be a valuable lesson for you all to learn from our mistakes."

Cana leaned in eagerly, Mirajane paused in drying a glass, Gajeel looked bored, Gray paused from his journey to the guild door and stepped back to listen, and of course that meant Juvia was hovering not too far behind.

They were all insanely curious.

"The truth is," Macao sighed, "we didn't take good care of ourselves."

Everyone blinked at that. "….is that it?" Cana asked unimpressed. "You didn't take good care of yourselves?"

"Hey! It's the truth!" Macao snapped indignantly. "It's not just the fact we spend most of our time sitting round and not exercising."

"We would still look pretty if that's the case," Wakaba said solemnly which caused Gajeel to snort ("You weren't that pretty to begin with," he muttered rudely but no one paid him much attention as they were still staring at Macao and Wakaba in disbelief), "it's the fact we didn't eat properly."

"And not just vegetables and fruit," Macao continued, "just you know….at all. I wouldn't eat at all now if it wasn't for the fact Romeo reminds me."

"And usually when we do remember to eat," Wakaba said, "we just get whatever we can get our hands on. The amount of stale food we have consumed-"

"We don't want to know!" Mira interrupted as she turned a faint green. "In future just ask for something to eat. I'll ensure you have a good homemade dinner."

Macao and Wakaba beamed at her. "What else?" Gray asked. "Because it can't be just not eating properly and being lazy that caused…this," he gestured to all the grey hair, sickly grey skin, and heavy wrinkles.

"Well I don' know if yo noticed this," Wakaba said snarkily, "but we're are alcoholics and chain smokers. That has a great effect on one's health."

"Our livers and lungs are suffering from all the abuse," Macao said solemnly, "and so our bodies are deteriorating rapidly and we look old."

"Feel old," Wakaba added darkly.

Everyone stared at them in horror. "Are you…..are you saying…." Cana said slowly, struggling to find the right words, "that…..drinking did this to you?"

"Yep!" Wakaba said cheerfully as he lit his cigar. "This is what smoking and drinking do to you kiddies."

"Cheers!" Macao held his glass up before he took a swig. "May you age gracefully as we have."

"Dear God," Gray muttered looking horrified, "I'm never smoking again."

"Or drinking," Gajeel added darkly as he pushed his mug away from him, "I'm sticking to water from now on."

Cana looked down at her more than double measure of vodka and orange juice, and then at the heavily aged faces of Macao and Wakaba, and then back at her drink, and then at her reflection in the bar mirror. She drank in the sight of her untouched face, smooth skin, thick locks, and her general good looks before she looked at Macao and Wakaba again.

"Yes," she pushed her drink away, "I'm going cold turkey from now on."

(She lasted two days before she suddenly rushed back in the guild, snatched a bottle of wine, and guzzled it in one go. Screw Macao and Wakaba! She was awesome, she wouldn't end up the same. After all she had super-cool card tricks that can hide anything.)