Summary: Zeref tries to have a word with Natsu about how he shouldn't be sneaking into girl's bedrooms through the window….he fails. Abysmally. The hypocrite.

Pairings: Brotherly Natsu/Zeref, Natsu/Happy friendship, implied Natsu/Lucy, implied Zeref/Mavis, and implied sisterly Erza/Wendy.

Author's Note: Many thanks to Linariel who inspired this particular oneshot. Thank you everyone else for giving me over SEVENTY SEVEN HUNDRED reviews.

There were many things about Natsu's behaviour that worried Zeref.

His eating habits were atrocious and Zeref sometimes sat there horrified as he feared Natsu might choke on a chicken bone or something. His need to jump on things and tackle things and generally attack things, made Zeref worry endlessly about what injuries or worse Natsu could sustain. Less said about the fighting the better, the same with all the dangerous jobs, but none of these things, none of them, worried Zeref more than Natsu's romantic behaviour towards Lucy.

Nothing against Lucy, Zeref quite liked her and high hopes that she would become his sister in law (Natsu needed some sense in his life somewhere), but Natsu's relationship was highly scandalous and Zeref didn't like how Natsu climbed through her bedroom window, or grabbed her breast, or laughed and stared when the poor girl's skirt got flipped up.

It was incredibly ungentlemanly behaviour and it was certainly not how their mother raised them.

She was probably rolling in her grave as they speak.

And because of that, Zeref decided it was high time he had a word with Natsu before something else happens.

Even at the age of four hundred and something years old, Zeref was too young to have his baby brother make him an uncle.

So one quiet day at the guild, where thankfully most of the eavesdropping, chaos causing, members were all away on jobs, Zeref decided to approach the subject during lunch. "Natsu," Zeref coughed awkwardly, "I need a word with you about how you treat Lucy."

Natsu paused in the middle of his sandwich and dropped it back on his plate. "Eh?" his mouth dropped open and Zeref screwed his nose up in disgust at the sight of chewed up bread he could see clear as day. "What do you mean how I treat Lucy?" Natsu asked indignantly. Thankfully after he had swallowed the remains of his sandwich in his mouth. "Are you saying I'm mean to her?!"

"No, no nothing like that, though actually you can be a little ru-" Zeref took one look at the extremely offended and furious look on his little brother's face and coughed loudly. He didn't really want to have a fight with his little brother, not now that they can actually live without accidentally killing innocent passer-by's. "I mean….Erm…I just meant that you are…..too forward with her. You dishonour her with your behaviour."

Natsu tilted his head sideways. "Dishonour?" he asked bewilderedly. "What behaviour?"

"Surely you know Natsu," there was a blank look on Natsu's face, Zeref sighed, "Mother would have never approved of you climbing through girl's windows and spending the night with them."

"Are you saying Natsu and I shouldn't visit Lucy?!" Happy cried out. Zeref jumped a little he had forgotten the blue cat had joined them for lunch, Happy was so quiet when a plate of fish was put in front of him. "But why?! Lucy's our friend!"

Natsu jumped and glared at that. "I am not going to stop visiting Lucy!" he hissed.

"I am not asking you too," Zeref sighed with exasperation, "I am merely saying it is inappropriate to go through her bedroom window in the middle of the night."

"But I don't just go in the middle of the night," Natsu argued, "I got in the morning while she's showering, or at lunch time while she's making lunch, or in the afternoon while she's trying to write, or in the evening when she's showering….boy Lucy showers a lot."

"Aye Sir."

"YOU SHOULDN'T BE GOING THROUGH THE WINDOW REGARDLESS THE TIME OF THE DAY!" Zeref exploded. Happy and Natsu stared at him dumbly, Natsu's face reminded Zeref greatly of the time when he was three and Zeref smacked him over the head and screamed at him for trying to jump off the dining table, it was innocent, slightly scared, but also a little defiant. "Sorry," Zeref mumbled, "I just meant that it looks wrong if you keep using the window."

"Why?"

"Because," Zeref coughed awkwardly, "it would look like you're sharing Lucy's bed."

"But I am sharing Lucy's bed!" Natsu said cheerfully. Zeref paled rapidly as he envisioned trying to explain to his mother exactly why her first grandchild is illegitimate when he is finally reunited her in the afterlife. "Not that Lucy shares very well," Natsu grumbled, "she's always trying to kick me out."

"Aye," Happy agreed, "Lucy's very greedy with her bed."

Zeref almost collapsed out of relief at that. Natsu and Lucy were not having sexual relations….yet. "Well you shouldn't be sharing her bed!" he said sternly. "It's inappropriate. There's no reason why you can't spend time with Lucy," Zeref said much more gently, "just use the door and don't stay the night. Not until you're married."

"But going through the door is so boring!" Natsu whined. "And her bed is so comfy!"

"Aye Sir!" Happy agreed.

"Perhaps it is," Zeref said grudgingly, "but it's not gentlemanly behaviour."

"Well I think that climbing through the bedroom window is very romantic," Mavis commented loudly. Zeref, Natsu, and Happy all jumped and turned round to find Mavis was sitting on a beam up above them. She winked and grinned down at the three of them. "There's something very exciting about having a lover sneak in, don't you think?"

And that's how Zeref, Natsu, and Happy ended up outside of Fairy Hills in the middle of the night.

"So," Natsu smirked, "after all your lecturing you're going to sneak into Mavis' bedroom through the window."

"I….erm….you see…" Zeref felt his cheeks turn a bright red, "your brother is a hypocrite."

"Yes, he is!" Natsu grinned, and then after a beat it slipped off of his face. "What's a hypocrite?"

"It means Zeref liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes Mavis!"

"Oh I see!" Natsu grinned again. "Then yes, he is a giant hypocrite. The biggest hypocrite in the whole world, no wait the whole uni-"

"Yes, yes," Zeref interrupted impatiently, "now can we get to the point. How do I climb up to Mavis' window?"

"Well," Natsu said slowly, "usually Happy would fly me up but he's refusing to do that."

"I promise Erza many years ago that I would not abuse my privileges at Fairy Hills," Happy said solemnly, "I may be a cat and that means I escape the No Boys rule but I am not allowed to bring a boy with me. And as much as Natsu loves you, Zeref, it's not worth pissing Erza off."

All three of them shuddered at that. Zeref learnt very quickly, within an hour of joining Fairy Tail, that Erza was terrifying when crossed.

"So instead," Natsu's cheerful tone was much more strained now, "you're going to have to climb up by yourself. The drainpipe is very helpful with that but sometimes when it accidentally falls off because of a demon attack or because a certain stupid snowflake has gained weight again."

"He means," Happy whispered loudly, "that he has gained weight again."

"Then it's best to just dig your nails into the cement and climb up using the bricks as a footing," Natsu continued as if Happy had never spoken. "Any questions?"

"Yes," Zeref said faintly, "you do remember that I'm completely human and not part demon like you, right? I can't climb up a flat brick wall out of sheer will."

"Dragon," Natsu scowled, "I'm a dragon not a demon."

Zeref and Happy exchanged knowing looks and decided to just humour Natsu. If he wanted to deny the bi that Zeref forced on him while he was dead, who were they to argue? "All right, dragon," Zeref conceded out loud, "but my point still stands."

"Eh," Natsu shrugged, "you're my brother. If I can do it, you definitely can do it. Can I ask a question?"

Zeref pinched his nose and tried to keep the frustration out of his voice. "What is it, Natsu?" he sighed.

"Why are you holding a red flower?"

"It's a rose," Zeref explained, "and I thought it would be more romantic if I arrived with a token of my affections."

"I see," Natsu said in a tone that suggested otherwise, "and how will you carry it if you're climbing up the wall?"

"I'll have to put it in my mouth." Natsu and Happy sniggered at that and Zeref was barely able to restrain an eye roll at their immaturity. Instead he sighed, for what felt like the millionth time that day, "wish me luck," he said grimly.

"Good luck!" Natsu and Happy chorused.

And on that note Zeref carefully placed the rose in his mouth before he crept closer to Fairy Hills and then jumped up and grabbed hold on the drainpipe.

"Huh," Natsu scratched the back of his head as he watched his older brother struggle to climb up the drainpipe, "do you think Lucy would like it if we came through the window with a rose in our mouth too?"

"No of course not," Happy shook his head, "Lucy would much prefer it if we brought our own food instead of eating hers. We should go through the window with a fish in our mouths. She would appreciate that much more."

"Yosh!" Natsu pumped a fist in the air. "Let's go and get some fish then!"

"Aye Sir!"

Zeref panted as he edged closer to the window. Having spent most of his time in a lab experimenting on magic, or wandering round forests and trying to not brutally murder mass numbers of people, or sitting on a throne making orders, Zeref didn't exactly have the upper body strength to do this with ease.

And to make things worse Zeref then had to climb sideways using the window sills in order to get to Mavis's bedroom window.

But he did it! He got to her window without accidentally breaking his neck, or losing the rose, and he wasn't too sweaty and disgusting either.

With a muffled shout of triumph, he knocked on the window, and grinned round the rose as he saw the shape of Mavis' petite body and long hair as she approached the window.

Grandly, he took the rose out of his mouth and held it out as she opened it. "Milady," he said softly, "I present a token of my a-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

THUMP!

So startled at the sight of a girl that was definitely not Mavis, Zeref had accidentally let go of the window sill and crashed, loudly, onto the ground.

"EEK!" Wendy screamed as she clutched her chest. "CHARLE THERE'S A STRANGE MAN AT MY WINDOW!"

At the sound of this, Erza shot up from her bed with a sword in her hand. "I'll kill him," she growled.

Zeref spent the night being chased by angry female members of Fairy Tail that were armed with deadly weapons of mass destruction while he was frantically wondering what the hell happened to his younger brother and exactly how did he end up in this mess in the first place?

Meanwhile Natsu and Happy weren't having much luck as Lucy reacted to their latest invasion by slapping them repeatedly with their fish.