The Final chapter! Sorry I took so long to update this!
Episode Six: The Death Star
A shot of the Death Star. Dramatic music plays as it slowly floats through space.
Cut to a window. Blackadder, George and Baldrick are staring out of it.
Baldrick: Sir?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick?
(Eerie, mysertious music begins playing)
Baldrick: Have you ever considered our significance in the universe? In this vast cosmos? Are there universes beyond our own, and- ARGH! (The music stops as he suddenly clutches his head, in pain. And no, Blackadder hasn't hit him.) My head hurts!
Blackadder rolls his eyes.
George: Well, this is a truly enormous battlestation! What's it for?
Blackadder: You see George, this is The Death Star. It is a station designed to destroy planets. This will discourage rebellion and destroy the enemies of The Empire.
George: Well, Ya-boo to those Enemies! Like that Fishface Admiral Ackbar and that traitor Mon Mothma!
Baldrick: A Moth's Ma?
Blackadder: Shut up, Baldrick.
Baldrick: (Quietly) Yes, Sir.
They all turn to see a Protocol droid slowly shuffling towards them. After thirty seconds of waiting, they stop and speak.
Protocol Droid: Grand Moff Tarkin would like to speak to you.
Blackadder: I'm off, you two. Stay here and try not to damage anything.
He leaves. Baldrick turns to George.
Baldrick: What if I need the loo?
George: Oh, go on, Balders! The Captain doesn't need to know!
Baldrick: Thank you sir!
Baldrick Leaves.
...
Blackadder stands in front of a desk, of where Grand Moff Tarkin is seated. He stands to attention. Tarkin Glares at Blackadder with intense dislike.
Tarkin: Blackadder, I have a task for you. I want you to get some papers I left in some cells at the other side of the station. They're in Block AA-23.
Blackadder: Of course, sir. Right away.
Tarkin: Oh, and that's the same block Princess Leia's in. So if you see anything suspicious inform some stormtroopers.
Blackadder: Princess Leia? As in 'Princess of Truth and Justice' Organa? 'Honest Senator' Organa? Leia The Humanitarian?
Tarkin: Indeed, Blackadder. She was captured recently for being involved in the theft of the (He lowers his voice to a whisper) Death Star Plans.
Blackadder: What?
Tarkin: No-one's supposed to know about them Blackadder, by order of The Emperor! Anyone could be listening!
Blackadder: (Looks round the rather bland and unassuming room) I understand completely, Sir. How many papers will there be?
Tarkin: On, about ten thousand. And be quick or I'll have you shot!
Blackadder: I see, sir. I'll have them here in two hours.
Tarkin: Very good, Blackadder. Dismissed.
Blackadder walks out of the door. He stops, looks around, and calls back into the room;
Blackadder: No-one out here, sir!
...
Blackadder enters a bathroom to discover that Baldrick has somehow destroyed the cubicle walls and gotten his head stuck in a toilet bowl.
Blackadder: (After a few tugs, he gets Baldrick out) How in the name of Jabba's Great Jowls did you manage that?
Baldrick: You don't want to know, sir. Trust me.
Blackadder: For once in your life, you have given me excellent advice, Baldrick.
Baldrick: Really, sir?
Blackadder: Yes. Now come along, we have mounds of paperwork to deliver!
Baldrick: By 'We' you mean 'Me', right sir?
Blackadder: Precisely.
He gives Baldrick a clip round the ear, and they exit.
...
They arrive at the cell block to find a mountain of papers. Blackadder puts his hands on his hips and sighs, irritated.
Baldrick: Sir?
Blackadder: Yes, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Why did you take this job again?
Blackadder: Because, Baldrick, it's a nice, safe, well-paying desk job. One that won't get me sent on death-defying missions with arrogant gits like Flashheart, or nincompoops like You and George. The only fly in the ointment is that Tarkin doesn't like me for some reason.
Baldrick: What if someone attacks this station, sir?
Blackadder: (Rolling his eyes) Because no-one, not even the Rebellion, is stupid enough to attack a planet-destroying space station the size of a moon. Only if there was some... tiny, destructive flaw would they attack. Or if you were in charge of them. Understood?
Baldrick: Yes, sir. Sounds about right.
Blackadder: Good. Now carry this lot. (He picks up the papers and dumps them on Baldrick. They exit.)
Cut to outside a lift. Blackadder and Baldrick step out of the lift. Two Stormstroopers and a Familiar-looking Cuffed Wookiee walk up to them.
Trooper on the right: Excuse me? Which way to Cell Block AA-23?
Blackadder: (Points to his left) Down the hall, and past Corridor AB-Kark Off, you sorry load of Laserbrains!
(He storms off. Baldrick looks at them.)
Baldrick: (Helpfully) It's five floors up.
He walks after Blackadder. The three step into the lift.
Trooper on the left: I can't see a thing in this Helmet...
...
They rush into Tarkin's office. Tarkin and four Death Troopers are there, and Tarkin is smiling triumphantly.
Tarkin: You're one minute late, Blackadder.
Blackadder: Apologies, sir. It does take a while to get around the station, even with that new bullet train.
Tarkin: Well, I cannot allow for a subordinate that cannot carry out tasks. You are now stripped of your rank and are under arrest
Blackadder's jaw drops in a hilarious way. After a few seconds of looking like an idiot, he speaks.
Blackadder: (Loudly) What!? Why!?
Tarkin: I just said-
Blackadder: What a load of bantha fodder, you old goat! You might as well tell me now I'm going to be chucked into a cell!
Tarkin: All right Blackadder. You see, you remember Captain Darling?
Blackadder: That prat? What does that nerf-herder has to do with anything?
Tarkin: His father and I were in the middle of an important deal that would have gotten me a lot of money and power. Unfortunately, Aide Darling died.. He died of grief in the middle of sealing the deal. His son took over and he broke off the deal since he doesn't like me. I think we both know Darling wouldn't not notice a dangerous animal on his ship twice. He hated the front lines too much for that. Also, Melchett might have kept it as a pet. Ergo, you must be responsible.
Blackadder says nothing. He has been rendered speechless
Tarkin: Take him away!
The Death Troopers holding Blackadder haul him away. The ones carrying Baldrick remain where they are.
Tarkin: Why are you just standing there?
Death Trooper #1: You didn't tell us to-
Tarkin: Take him away too!
They do so. Tarkin pinches the brow of his nose.
Tarkin: Why do the only troopers in the Entire Imperial Army that can shoot properly also happen to be imbeciles?
...
Baldrick and Blackadder are unceremoniously thrown into a cell. Literally.
Baldrick: My head hurts, sir.
Blackadder: (Irritably) From Being thrown in here or from thinking?
Baldrick: Both, sir.
Suddenly, there is a knocking from the door. George's voice comes from the other side.
George: Hello?
Blackadder: (Happily) George? I never thought I'd be so happy as to hear your voice!
George: May I come in?
Blackadder: (Changing his tone from happy to irritable) And so passes the happiness. You can only open it from your side, you berk!
George: Oh, right! Sorry!
The door opens, revealing George, who is holding a blaster and for some reason, has a sort of smoking streak of baldness in the middle of his hair.
Blackadder: George, what happened to your hair?
George: Oh, this? (He points to his new hairstyle) A stormtrooper very nearly hit me! Ah, well! It'll grow back!
Blackadder: A stormtrooper Very nearly hitting someone? That's got to be a new record.
George: So, what's the plan to get out of here, Sir?
Blackadder: George, most superiors would chastise their subordinates for not thinking of an escape plan in this situation. But considering you're the subordinate, I'll say good job!
George: Why, thank you sir! Anyway, what's the plan?
Baldrick: (Oblivious to this subtle insult to his intelligence) Hang on a second! I have a cunning plan...
Blackadder: (Expecting little for obvious reasons) Oh, The Maker! What is it, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Simple! We reprogram a mouse droid, all balance on it, and pretend to be gymnasts!
Blackadder: Baldrick, here is what I think of your plan.
He kicks Baldrick in the Gentleman's area. Baldrick clutches his privates in agony and falls to his knees.
Blackadder: Now that we have that out of the way, I have an idea. George, what happened to the guards?
George: Well, I left them there, sir!
Blackadder: Perfect! We shall disguise ourselves as Stormtroopers, get a departure authorised and get out of here!
George: Permission to cheer, sir?
Blackadder: If you must.
George: (Enthusiastically) HURRAH!
...
The three, disguised as Stormtroopers, walk through a corridor. George's armour looks a bit small on him, and Baldrick's set looks much to big.
Baldrick: Sir, I can't see a thing in this Helmet!...
Blackadder: Shut up, Baldrick! We're almost there!
They walk into a place that looks kind of like an airport's office control with about seven people in it. Blackadder taps the shoulder of the Head Controller
Blackadder: Excuse me? Governor Tarkin will be leaving soon.
Head Controller: (Angrily) Buh- Duh- Guh- Hang on just a second! He can't just leave all of a sudden! There are procedures!
Blackadder: Proced- He's the Blasted Grand Moff! He can do what he likes!
Head Controller: I don't care if the Emperor Himself wants to skip the procedures! Give me one reason to do as you say!
Blackadder: (In a deadpan Manner) We're three men with blasters, and you are completely unarmed.
Head Controller: Hm. Good argument. (He turns to his colleagues) Do as he says!
...
One jump cut later, the people in the room are bound and gagged under behind the panels and such. The Camera slowly moves to Our Favourite Threesome.
Baldrick: It'll be smooth sailing from here!
Suddenly, an alarm starts blaring, red lights pop from the ceiling and begin flashing. A booming voice reaches our heroes.
Voice: ATTENTION! THE DEATH STAR IS UNDER ATTACK! TO YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!
Blackadder: (Sarcastically) Excellent choice of words, Baldrick. We'd better get a move on.
Baldrick: I thought you said no-one would attack the Death Star Unless-
Blackadder: Later, Baldrick!
They rush out. Blackadder, usually not a religious man, is doing a prayer in his head that he will do everyone a favour and kill Baldrick if they survive this.
...
Cut to the cockpit of an Imperial Shuttle. Blackadder and George get in the Pilot and Co-Pilot Seats respectively. Blackadder pushes some buttons and flicks some switches. The Ship makes a noise like an old car trying and failing to start up.
Blackadder: What's going on?
The Camera focuses on the screen, which simply says 'NO FUEL'.
Blackadder: (Panicking a little) Why doesn't this thing have any fuel!? Now what do we do?
Baldrick: Sir, if I may-
Blackadder: (Losing his temper completely) SHUT UP BALDRICK!
Baldrick turns around and runs to the ladder, which he climbs down.
Blackadder: Maybe there's a can of fuel somewhere... perhaps we can-
Suddenly, there is a beeping sound. We take a look at the fuel screen again, and it says: ALMOST TOO MUCH FUEL!
George: (Exclaiming in shock) By my Uncle Bernie's Trousers!
Blackadder: No time to dwell on it, George!
He presses a button. Cut to the outside of the ship, which is taking off at quite a speed.
As they fly off-screen, the Death Star suddenly makes quite a terrific explosion.
Cut to the cockpit again. Blackadder and George are looking out of the window.
Blackadder: Well, looks like the Rebellion will be getting new members.
Baldrick returns to the cockpit.
Blackadder: Hang on a second... did you do something, Baldrick?
Baldrick: (Very pleased with himself) Indeed I did, Sir! I squeezed out some poo and chucked it in the fuel tank!
Blackadder: (Happily) Baldrick, I love you!
Baldrick: Thank you sir.
George: (Putting his arms around their shoulders) Well, all's well that ends well chaps!
Blackadder: Not quite yet George. We are completely unemployed. Tarkin would likely have Put mine and Baldrick's arrest on the Intergalactic Imperial Records. Our only consolation is that the Empire thinks we are dead.
George: Oh, that's bad luck...
Baldrick: The Rebels might take us in.
Blackadder: Baldrick, even with the Death Star Blown to smithereens, the Rebellion have as much chance at beating the Empire as you do at attaining a Phd in astrophysics.
George: My Uncle will hide us! He's an absolutely Corking chap!
Blackadder: George, that's the first good idea in your entire life. We'll go with your plan, but suppose the Empire Discovers us?
Baldrick: Don't worry, sir! I have a cunning plan.
Blackadder looks at the camera with an 'Are you serious?' face.
...
And that is... THE END! DUN DUN DUN!
I hope you enjoyed this fic! I suppose you have many questions?
Will they get to George's Uncle?
Will they be discovered?
WHAT is Baldrick's cunning plan?
And most importantly, is this getting a sequel? Probably not, but who knows?
Goodbye, everyone! Make sure to favourite and review!