Episode 4- Can't Let Go

Even though I try, I can't let go
Something in your eyes captured my soul
And every night I see you in my dreams
You're all I know, I can't let go- Mariah Carey, Can't Let Go

Spencer's POV

As soon as Spencer, Nikolas and Laura got to the Metro Court restaurant, they spotted Ava seated alone at a table in the main dining room. Spencer's heart sank like an anchor trapped in the deepest ocean. In a little corner of his mind, he had held hope that she would come up with an excuse as to why she couldn't make it, but it looked like he was forced to be in Ava's company tonight after all.

Looking down at her phone, Laura clucked in irritation. "I'm so sorry, something just came up." Spencer, who had been building himself into a frenzy of taut nerves and gloomy thoughts about Trina leaving, each one darker than the last, was startled into paying attention. If Laura was blowing them off, the dinner was going to be ruined for him. "I've got to go and deal with this, but I'll join you in about fifteen minutes."

Spencer's relief at her words was almost touchable in the air surrounding him as Laura kissed Nikolas on the cheek, patted Spencer's shoulder, and exited the restaurant. He was still safe. Dealing with Esme and Ava wasn't on his list of a fun time, and without Victor and Laura being there to ensure that the trio's antagonism didn't get out of hand, dinner could descend into an all-out brawl.

"It looks like Uncle Victor hasn't arrived yet, why don't you go and sit with Ava, and I'll go call him outside?" Nikolas suggested. Without waiting for Spencer to reply, he walked out, leaving Spencer alone to face Ava for the first time in what seemed like forever.

A trickle of apprehension slithered through him as he wound his way to the table Nikolas had reserved. This wasn't going to be easy, or enjoyable. For a second, he wished he was back in Spring Ridge, then grinned ruefully to himself. Wanting to be back in prison rather than face the consequences of his stalking activities was a new low for him.

Ava was sipping on a martini and, as a server passed by, she flagged her down to order another one.

"Your dirtiest martini please. And keep them coming. I feel like I'm going to need all the liquid help I can get tonight," she quipped. Her gaze flicked up to Spencer as he approached the table, and Ava settled back in her chair, adding, "Oh, and a glass of water for my lovely stepson there. Warm. Hold the ice."

The server shot Ava an uncertain look, as though she wasn't quite sure if Ava was joking about the water comment, then said, "Right away, ma'am," and gracefully walked away.

Rolling his eyes at his stepmother's pettiness, Spencer pulled out a chair opposite her and sank into it. "Ava. Every time I see you here, you've got a drink in your hand, and one more on the way." He smirked at her, enjoying the way her fingers tightened around the thin stem of her martini glass. "Maybe there's something you want to tell us?"

"Ah, Spencer." A cold smile, thin as a knife, curled Ava's lips as she considered him over the rim of her glass. "Well, I heard that you and your girlfriend were joining us for dinner, so I started to drink my dinner."

Slouching back in his chair, Spencer scanned the rapidly filling room, not wanting to admit to himself that he was looking for a head of curly black hair or a flash of glowing brown skin. Wherever he went, he always searched the crowd, hoping for a glimpse of Trina, ever since he had arrived in Port Charles. It was almost like a compulsion. Absently, as his eyes skipped over the crowd, he replied, "She's not my girlfriend anymore."

"Hmph." Ava's eyebrows rose, but that was the full extent of her reaction. She took a healthy sip of her drink before asking, "Does she know that?"

The sarcasm that twisted her words rankled Spencer, and he glared at her. Icily, he said, "I'm not here to talk about my life with you, Ava."

"However will I go on?" Ava asked, placing the back of her hand to her forehead like a damsel in distress.

Spencer scoffed at the dramatics of it all. Drumming his fingers on the table, he said, "I'm sure you'll survive, just like you always do. Ava Jerome, the cat with nine lives."

"That's Ava Jerome Cassadine to you, my dear son." The word 'son' dripped with venom, and annoyance bubbled up in Spencer. There was no way him and Ava could ever get along. Once again, he wondered why his father had to marry her, of all people. Moving a tendril of hair out of her eyes, Ava asked, "Do you feel rehabilitated?"

Spencer shrugged. He only felt two distinct emotions which twirled around each other like a mobius strip- panic about Trina leaving, and fear that he might not get to say all he wanted to say to her before it was too late. Rehabilitation wasn't even factoring into his feelings. "I suppose so."

"I guess we'll know for sure if my gallery is still in one piece after your restitution."

The server returned with Ava's new martini and a glass of water for Spencer. Spencer took it from her, murmuring his thanks. No ice, but it wasn't room temperature either. "Your gallery will be fine. I'm done causing trouble."

"I'll be the judge of that," Ava said, taking a last swig of her old martini and handing the glass to the waiting server.

Her cheeks were flushed by the gin, and Spencer idly wondered how many drinks she's had while she waited. He didn't care, of course, but maybe he could use this to his advantage, get Ava sent to a treatment center somewhere out in the boonies while he rebuilt his relationship with his father with nobody around to make matters worse? He stowed this thought away to look at closer when he was alone. Right now, he had bigger things to obsess over.

Still, he couldn't help but smile secretly as he regarded Ava evenly. "Suit yourself."

Before she could respond with a snarky line, her phone dinged with a text alert. She glanced down at it, and her pale forehead creased into a frown.

"Ugh, what is this girl still doing there? I thought I told her- excuse me, Spencer," Ava said, holding her phone up to her ear and using her free hand to point a finger in Spencer's direction in a 'wait' gesture. Spencer's heart thudded in his chest as Ava, talking to the person on the other end, said, "Trina, you were supposed to leave when I did. It's been almost 20 minutes! I'll do that tomorrow. That too!" Ava gave an exasperated laugh as Spencer leaned forward, unobtrusively, he hoped, straining to hear just the tone of Trina's voice. "You have a- listen to me. You have a hot date with a charming guy, and you've got a sexy dress to change into and go wow him! Yes, it's a date! Because you're both going to Paris, and he asked you to dinner after taking you to an art show- I call that a date! You deserve to have a fun night out with a good man wining and dining you." Spencer's breath clotted in his throat at those words, and cold hands grasped his heart, shriveling it into a block of ice. "Now, you're officially on a sabbatical from the gallery. Leave now or I'll have to come over there. Alright. Bye, honey." Shaking her head, Ava ended the call and slipped her phone into her purse. "That Trina loves her job. Even when she's got a date, she still lingers," she said conversationally, not noticing that Spencer had gone pale under his tan. His shoulders were tense, and he felt like a discarded wound-up toy.

"Who's Trina's hot date with?" His voice, attempting to be casual, missed the mark so badly that he cringed as he heard himself. The flicker of a smile touching Ava's lips told him she had caught it too. "Anyone I know?"

Flapping her hand at him contemptuously, Ava said, "I'm not going to talk about Trina's dating life with you. You're the last person who deserves to know about it, considering everything you've done to that poor, sweet girl."

The self-righteousness in her tone made Spencer want to sweep her martini to the ground, and he bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from doing something he might regret. His mind was a swirl of fragmented thoughts. Trina? Hot date? Sexy dress? He felt adrift, like he was stuck on a raft in the middle of a haunted lake with no paddle, and there were things in the depths of the water.

"Okay, then." Spencer puffed out a beleaguered sigh out of his nose, sinking lower into the chair as Ava smirked at him. His voice was sharp when he continued, "When you said sabbatical-? Or are you not going to divulge any information about that either, even though Trina and I are supposed to be working together starting next week?"

Ava laughed at that, and Spencer's hostility towards her increased. She was toying with him, she knew exactly how he felt about Trina, and she was enjoying watching him suffer. The resentment rose up in him anew as Ava said, "Trina's going to Paris for the next four months. Don't worry, I've hired someone very qualified who will put you through your paces. You'll be well taken care of."

"When did Trina find out that she was going to Paris?"

Even though that wasn't the real question he wanted to ask. Why was she going to Paris, why had she not told him, why did it feel like his heart was being dragged out of his chest by a tow truck- these were all things that swam up to the forefront of his mind.

"A few days ago. She said she wants a change of scenery, and I can't blame her. Port Charles is just so small for her, and the current scenery doesn't look like it'll be able to get itself together in time." Ava looked him dead in the face as she said this, rolling her straw between two manicured fingers. "And I'm glad she'll be going with one of her friends from her PCU classes. It's always nice to have a travel companion whose company you enjoy, isn't it?" She cocked her head to one side as she said this, then turned to look pointedly around the room before refocusing her attention on him. "Speaking of your travel companion, where's Esme?"

Spencer's throat was dry. A few days ago? Had she known when she went to Spring Ridge to see him, and she hadn't mentioned it? Was she trying to leave without talking to him, without saying goodbye?

His lungs felt too small, too weak, as he sucked in a breath. "She had an errand to run." Suddenly, the Metro Court restaurant felt oppressive, almost like the walls were closing in on him. He needed to get out, to get some fresh air and recalibrate. Abruptly, he got to his feet, and the chair legs screeched against the wooden floor as he pushed his chair back in. Several people turned to look, but he ignored them. "As scintillating as our conversation has been, I should go find her, so that we can all get this dinner over with."

"Please do," Ava said dryly, a knowing gleam in her eyes. "The sooner the better."

Spencer's parting words before he headed to the exit were, "For once we're on the same page."

As he walked out, even in his turmoil he noticed that Ava didn't seem surprised at his sudden departure at all. It was almost like she knew where he was going, and it wasn't to find Esme. He was seized with the compulsion to see and talk to Trina.

Immediately.

The gallery entrance was unlocked, and Spencer stealthily walked in, heading to Trina's office space almost on autopilot. He could smell her scent on the air, intoxicating as always, and his head swam lightly as he inhaled. What was he going to say to her? He had no idea, he only knew that the thought of having dinner without seeing her, sitting through forced small talk with his family- it would drive him mad.

Trina's office area was lit with only a muted golden light, courtesy of the lamp on her neat white desk, a contrast to the bright fluorescents in the gallery itself. Spencer blinked as his eyes adjusted, and then his eyes fell upon Trina on the other end of the room, and for a few seconds, he couldn't get a breath out of his locked throat.

Her back was towards him as she fixed a crooked painting on the wall, the subtle movements of her arms making the dress she was wearing ride up her thighs slightly. And what a dress. It was a sparkly ruby red, contrasting beautifully with her brown skin, and his devouring eyes eagerly traced how it clung to her slim body in all the right places and accentuated her curves. Her legs seemed to go on forever, her feet encased in a pair of strappy silver heels that added several inches to her height. She had pulled her hair up in a high ponytail, but a few curls had escaped and trailed past her neck, and the result was casual, yet elegant. The urge to bury his face in the hollow between Trina's neck and shoulder and just breathe her in came upon him so suddenly that he felt dizzy. He found himself actually taking a step forward before he stopped himself short, willing himself to keep himself under some semblance of self-control. At the sound of his shoes whispering on the ground, Trina froze for a second, her hand reaching into the purse that hung by her side, before her shoulders relaxed.

"Are you going to tell me how long you've been standing there?" Trina's melodic voice cut through his distractedness, and he ran a hand through his hair, wishing he'd had time for that haircut. He wasn't looking or feeling his best, but not seeing Trina tonight was more than he could have borne. "Or are you just gonna stay there like a creep?"

His pulse was jumping all over the place, but Spencer was pleased that his voice didn't betray the eddy of feelings rising in him as he stood in the same room as Trina for the first time since Spring Ridge.

He said, "Just admiring the view." She scoffed, backing up from the painting, and leaning back to make sure it was straight. Spencer took the opportunity to ask, "Do you need help with that?"

"No, I'm good." She turned around to face him and his mouth dried up as he stared, completely taken by her. She was beautiful, as usual. He couldn't help the smile that blossomed on his face as he drank her in, looking her up and down. Spencer's heart felt swollen with all the complicated feelings he had for her intermingled with a streak of red-hot desire. His gaze rested on her full lips, shiny with a hint of lip gloss that he imagined tasted just like strawberries. Was it too late to find out for himself? God, he hoped not. Her eyes narrowed into the exasperated look he found sexy as hell as she asked, "What are you doing here? I'm pretty sure your restitution doesn't start until next week."

Clearing his throat, Spencer searched for the right words, but, confronted with the one face he had thought about on and off (mostly on, but who was counting) for the last four weeks, his brain had other ideas. "I'm not here for that. I came for my cookies."

He almost slammed his palm against his forehead as he heard those words spill out of his mouth. Why was he like this, always hiding behind a ready quip and joke? Why couldn't he be honest about why he was really here- for her?

"What are you talking about?" Trina asked, rolling her eyes in that particular way that Spencer found incredibly adorable.

Spencer laughed lightly, wiping his clammy palms on his khaki pants. His nerves were so bad that he was sweating. Gross. "Remember, when we met in the graveyard-."

"Oh, you mean when you pulled your lil prison break stunt and almost got me caught up by Commissioner Ashford?"

Trina tossed her head, the movement making her earrings gleam in the light. Spencer wanted to touch her, to feel the smoothness of her skin under the pads of his fingers. What else was new, he always wanted to touch her, but it was never the right opportunity, the right time. Now, however…

Nodding, he said, "Yeah, exactly. You said that when I got out of Spring Ridge, I'll be lucky if I got a cookie from you." Her gaze caught his eyes and lingered on him, and his face warmed as he continued, "I figured it was my lucky day, so, here I am."

"Boy, please." Snorting derisively, Trina walked to her desk and started to fiddle with some papers, setting them straight. "As if I would get you any ginger snaps-."

Her mouth shut like a trap, and mortified heat flooded her face as Spencer's heart leapt with exultation. His smile widened, and he heard Trina groan softly as he exclaimed, "You remembered."

He had replayed their graveyard conversation in his mind countless times, but up till now he hadn't dared to hope that Trina had also been thinking about their fateful meeting at his mother's grave. A small glimmer of hope unlocked inside him, and he fanned the flames optimistically.

"I'm not about to do this with you today, Spencer." Trina shook her head, folding her arms over her chest. Her chin jutted out defiantly as she told him, "I have somewhere to be, so…"

The implication was clear, Trina wanted him to leave, but he couldn't. Whenever he was around her, he could never just let her go. He wanted to win her over so badly it hurt, and the only way to do that was to stop hiding behind his words, and be honest to her, and with himself.

He took a step forward, the blood pounding in his ears. "You didn't answer my calls or texts." His voice dropped, and he licked his lips, filled with hesitation. "I was worried about you."

"I know I didn't. In fact, I blocked your number," Trina replied absently, doodling something on one of the papers she had just finished shuffling around. "I don't talk to people who aren't my friends."

Her words startled a laugh out of him, and she glanced up at the sound, their eyes locking, and something passed between them in that look, something he couldn't quite read. "Oh, seriously, you meant that?"

"Yes, I was serious, Spencer." Her eyes flashed fire, and something hot and liquid coiled in Spencer's belly, making him stiffen in his khaki pants as she snapped, "Something you seem to have a difficult time being, as evidenced by you being here, at my place of work when there's absolutely no reason for you to be here."

Spencer's casual shrug belied the hot-blooded thoughts racing through his head, thoughts of grabbing Trina and pressing his lips against hers, stroking the smooth skin of her neck and watching her tremble under his fingers, using his mouth to make her unravel, come apart. Voice husky as he moved closer to her, he murmured, "I knew you would be here, so I came to see you."

"Why? To make sure I don't snitch on you for escaping Spring Ridge that day? Or maybe to apologize for your girlfriend verbally attacking me and insinuating that I filmed Joss and Cam?" Her lips tightened and she put her hands on her hips, challenging him. It made him want her even more, almost desperately. "Which is it this time?"

Blowing out a breath, Spencer sounded contrite to his own ears as he said, "I really am sorry she did that. It was completely uncalled for, and I told her as soon as you left."

He hated that he was always apologizing to her, constantly screwing up and expecting him to forgive him so that he could screw up again and repeat the cycle again. Trina didn't deserve any of the thing he had put her through.

"Ah, so this is another episode of Spencer Cassadine apologizes without making any changes to his behavior in the future!" Trina smiled, a wide, scornful grin that still tugged at Spencer's heartstrings, because how long had it been since he saw his beautiful Trina smiling at him? Too damn long. "It's been a while since we got one of those. You know what your problem is, Spencer?"

"I know I have a lot of problems, but I'm trying, Trina."

He could feel his control of the situation slipping from his grasp like grains of sand. All he could do was gaze at her beseechingly, willing her to believe him.

Taking no heed of his interruption, Trina continued, that scathing smile still bright on her face. And even though she was telling him some unlovely truths about himself, Spencer was mesmerized by her. "Your problem is, you only apologize on your own terms, and the only reason you apologize is because you want to continue having access to me in the future. You're not sorry about anything Esme has said or done, but here you are with the same old excuses."

"That's not true," Spencer said, but there was the slightest tremor of doubt in his voice.

Sighing with resignation, Trina said, "It doesn't even matter, Spencer. Esme's got you so wrapped around her pinky that you turn into a joke when she's around. The Spencer that I've come to know and care-." She paused so suddenly that Spencer started towards her, worried, and her throat worked as she caught her mistake. The glimmer of hope grew larger still. Trina cared for him. "The Spencer that I know completely disappears. And we can't keep having the same conversation, this is physically draining."

"Okay, so let me change the subject." His heartbeat sped up to a drumroll as Trina glanced up at him, full lips parted and her pretty brown eyes shining in the soft light. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to Paris when you visited me?"

Author's Note- Here we go! Messy Ava is in the building, Spencer checking out Trina - action! Likkle bit of a palate cleanse after what we've been subjected to in the past few days, uno 😂😂? There might be some typos etc. as I just tested positive with covid this morning 😡😡 (after two whole years of dodging it, my co-worker gave it to me because she refused to wear her mask even though she had "the sniffles" and we work in an open office but let me not get into that because I'm HEATED) and I've been on and off napping all day. Please let me know what you think, and much love for you taking the time out to read this 💚💚