Summary: Inspired by the movie Addams Family Values. Modern AU! Zeref freaks out when Natsu is too busy to see him and goes to the police. Sheer crack.

Pairings: Brotherly Zeref/Natsu, Natsu/Lucy, and Zeref/Mavis.

Author's Note: Thank you all so much for giving me over EIGHTY TWO HUNDRED REVIEWS!

Police Officer Gajeel Redfox was having a very boring day.

It was as if all the criminals had decided to take the day off. Nothing happened apart from some old dear that lost her dog, one stray kid that was instantly returned to its parents, and some lost wallets being handed in. that meant Gajeel had nothing exciting to do but paperwork.

Urgh.

It was just when Gajeel started contemplating cleaning his gun without the safety on, you know, just to make life interesting, that the doors burst open and a maniac came running in. well okay, at first he didn't look like a maniac, he was dressed perfectly normal even if there was way too much black (but Gajeel could hardly talk when he was off duty all he wore was black leather), and seemed a reasonable looking person….that is until he approached Gajeel's desk and Gajeel couldn't help but notice the guy's hair was stick out unnaturally as if he had been pulling and tugging at it, and he was dressed sloppily as if he was too worried to care about tucking in his shirt or that there's a tomato sauce stain on the collar of his shirt, and then there was the utterly insane look in his eyes.

Gajeel really hopes he was right about that stain being tomato sauce.

The man slammed his hands on Gajeel's desk and leaned in. "Officer you got to help me!" he said desperately. "My name is Zeref Dragneel and my brother has been kidnapped."

"All right, sir," Gajeel grabbed a form and a pen, "tell me everything from the beginning."

"I demand justice!" Zeref cried out dramatically. "Someone has married my brother!"

At this point Gajeel froze, his hand holding the pen hovered mid-air….was this guy serious? "No," Gajeel said sarcastically.

Zeref nodded, his eyes wide with horror. "She took him to Hawaii," he whispered as if he had said hell or something just as terrible.

Gajeel dropped his pen and slammed his hand on the desk. "Get out of here!" he said mockingly.

"They moved to a large and comfortable home," Zeref said wildly, "where they make love constantly."

"I hate it when that happens," Gajeel rolled his eyes.

"Arrest her at once without delay."

"Who?!" Gajeel cried out exasperated.

"Lucy!" Zeref shouted. "My brother's wife. The temptress that has my brother chained to her bed as we speak!"

"Who are you?" Gajeel asked tiredly. "What are you? Who moved the rock?"

This was when the door slammed open once again. "Zeref!" a pretty, blonde, woman cried out. "There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere."

"I am getting justice, Mavis," Zeref said dramatically, "Natsu will be home with us by tonight. I swear it!"

"Sweetie," Mavis cooed, "we've been through this. Natsu eloped, he wasn't kidnapped."

"But I'm his older brother!" Zeref stammered. "I should be looking after him."

"He's twenty three, darling," Mavis said soothingly as she rubbed her husband's arm comfortingly, "he can look after himself. I apologise for my husband," she smiled warmly at Gajeel, "his parents died when he was very young and he always looked after Natsu. He's at a loose end now Natsu has moved out."

"I see," Gajeel grunted.

"If Natsu hasn't been kidnapped," Zeref said loudly, "then why did he say he was handcuffed to the bed?!"

"….I need a new job," Gajeel muttered, "something that means I don't have to deal with insane people."

"Being handcuffed to the bed is something married people do for fun," Mavis smirked, "if you like I can show you with these handcuffs I just stole from the nice officer."

Gajeel spluttered his indignation as the insane blonde girl dragged out her equally insane husband.

How long was it until he could retire from this madness?