Summary: Natsu and Gray get sent to couple's counselling…..

Pairings: Implied Crack Gray/Natsu.

YouTube Prompt: A Zeref tribute to 'God & Satan' by Biffy Clyro.

"This," Gray declared as he crossed his arms sullenly, "is so your fault."

"My fault?!" Natsu snarled furiously. "My fault?! I wasn't the perverted snarky git that called me a fire-breathing, bull-headed, ash-brained, moron that can't do anything without breaking anything."

"No you weren't," Gray conceded impatiently as his forehead twitched, "but you were the fire-breathing, bull-headed, ash-brained, moron that can't do anything without breaking anything that punched me in front of the entire Magic Council during our trial!"

"No one said you had to punch me back!"

"No one said that you had to bite me but you did!"

"You were kicking me!"

"Was I supposed to let you keep strangling me?!"

"Yes!"

"Now, now, boys," their therapist said calmly, "it is not just one of you that is at fault but both of you." Both Gray and Natsu stiffened at that as if the therapist's words had stabbed them or something. Slowly, their shock turned into reheated anger, and they turned to face the prim, proper, man in tweed and glasses to shoot him their most deadliest and dangerous glares. The therapist blinked back undeterred. "Now the Magic Council are quite right to be concerned about you two. It is not healthy to be so disharmonious."

"Pfft!" Gray snorted derisively. "Whatever. It's his fault."

"What was that you snow cone?!"

"You heard me, ash-brain!"

"Yeah, well maybe I wanted you to repeat it so I could punch your lights out you freaking snow fairy!"

"Fire-breath!"

"Icy Prick!"

"World's biggest idiot!"

"World's creepiest pervert!"

"Enough!" the therapist snapped before Gray could come up with some witty retort that would definitely stump Natsu. "Name-calling will achieve nothing. Are you both so blind not to realise how hurtful words can be? Gray," the therapist said in a gentler tone, "Natsu called you a snow cone, how did that make you feel?"

"Pissed off," Gray said shortly.

"And why did it make you feel pissed off?" the therapist probed.

"Erm, I dunno," Gray mumbled, "because he's such an annoying moron who can't be more creative in his insults?"

The therapist stared at him coldly for that and Gray winced as he could have sworn the therapist made the room temperature drop with that stare alone. "Insulting Natsu back won't help," the therapist said stiffly, "instead you should be open and honest about how Natsu calling you names makes you feel and why. Natsu," the therapist smiled in Natsu's direction, "how does Gray calling you a moron make you feel?"

"It really hurts!" Natsu said dramatically (Gray's yelp of 'Oh come on!' was ignored entirely by the therapist who nodded encouragingly at Natsu). "I do my very best to understand things, after all a lot of it is so new since I was raised in a forest by a Dragon, and Gray comes along and calls me horrible things and tells me off. I sometimes cry into my pillow at night because Gray never realises that his words hurt me. I'm not stupid, I'm just new at everything."

"Oh for fuck sake!" Gray snapped impatiently. "Can't you see that he's totally fak-?"

"Gray," the therapist glowered at him, "it is Natsu's turn to speak. Wait your turn and try and listen to him and understand him because if you listen you might be able to resolve your issues by communicating properly."

"Yeah, Gray," Natsu snickered evilly, "wait your turn and listen to me."

Gray flipped Natsu off and was promptly scolded by the therapist. "I think it is obvious that your name calling has hurt both of you rather badly and severed your communication before you have a chance to really bridge your differences," the therapist said calmly, "now I want you to both apologise to one another."

There was a moment of silence as both Natsu and Gray stared apprehensively at their therapist.

"Now!"

"I'm sorry Gray!" Natsu blurted out immediately. "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"And I'm sorry too, Natsu," Gray said very reluctantly, "I never meant to hurt you either."

"There, don't you both feel better now?" No! Both Natsu and Gray silently screamed as they glared mutinously at their therapist. "Now then why don't you seal the apology with a nice hug and-"

"Oh hell no!" Natsu interrupted. "I am not hugging that naked pervert!"

"Crap!"

Gray scrambled desperately as he went in search of his clothing. Unfortunately he was only able to find his shirt and one sock (don't ask him why) and had to cross his legs to hide certain bits from the therapist and Natsu.

"Natsu what have I just said about name-calling?!"

"Sorry," Natsu mumbled sheepishly, "but my point still stands."

"I see," the therapist pushed his glasses up, "tell me Natsu do you call Gray names because it hurts you to see your lover flaunting his goods at other people?"

"My what?!"

"Now, now, there is no need to be in denial here," the therapist said soothingly, "this is a safe place where you can discuss your problems openly without censure. I am here to help you two in your relationship."

"In our what?!"

"After all," the therapist continued as if Natsu and Gray hadn't screeched in his face, "that is what couple's counselling is for."

"COUPLE'S COUNSELLING?!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Gray bellowed. "We're not a couple!" he spat out disgustedly. "We're just two guys who can't stand each other."

"There is no need for denial here, Gray," the therapist said looking revolted, "and I advise you not to be so nasty in your denial of your relationship. It's no wonder that it has become so volatile to the point of imploding on itself if you're hurting Natsu with your rejection."

"He ain't hurting me with his rejection!" Natsu protested. "Because we're not a couple!"

"Your denial doesn't help matters either, Natsu," the therapist said snottily, "now then I can understand where the root of your problems lie. You are both so fiercely secretive about your relationship that you have not given each other enough affection and your communication lines have shut down to name calling and violence. But never fear boys," the therapist said cheerfully, "I can help you fix your relationship."

"We're not in a relationship!"

The therapist ignored their protests. "I want you two to hold hands-"

"Oh hell no!" Gray spat out. "I am not holding that fire-breathing moron's hand! God knows what disgusting things it's touched just today."

"Yeah?!" Natsu snarled. "Well I wouldn't want to hold some naked pervert's hand. You definitely don't want to know what disgusting thing it touched today."

"YOU WILL HOLD HANDS!" the therapist bellowed furiously. Gray and Natsu glared back but the therapist merely shot them a look that eerily reminded them of Erza and they immediately snatched at each other's hands. Their fingers trembled as they clung to one another tightly. "Good," the therapist said satisfied, "now then I want you to gaze into each other's eyes deeply." Gray and Natsu pulled a face at this and opened their mouths to protest. "I said," the therapist hissed through gritted teeth, "gaze into each other's eyes deeply." Natsu and Gray's mouths shut so quickly that it was audible and they then, slowly, shiftily, met each other's eyes. "Deeply!" the therapist snarled. They leaned forwards and for the first time ever Gray realised that Natsu's eyes were green while Natsu found himself entertained at all the different, weird, pale, colours in Gray's eyes that made it hard for him to actually name the colour. "And now," the therapist said in a much more cheerfully tone, "I want you two to take turns telling each other how much you love one another."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Both Natsu and Gray looked thoroughly constipated as their mouths refused to open to even to protest against this. Enough was enough. They were willing to do anything to get out of this damn therapy session but there was no way in hell they were doing that. "…screw this," Gray said eventually as he took the lead. "We don't need this shit in our lives."

And with that the therapy session ended with a great big -

SMASH!

"YOU STUPID BRATS!" Master thundered hours later when the Council Guards finally returned Natsu and Gray to his keeping. "What did I tell you about making your therapist jump out of the window?!"

"But we didn't make him jump out of the window!" Gray protested. His face shining with the sweetest, uncharacteristic, innocence that no one had ever seen before.

"Yeah!" Natsu agreed with an equally sweet innocence that fooled absolutely nobody. "We threw him out ourselves!"

Master collapsed onto the floor and groaned.