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KNOCK
Haruka pushed a strand of wet hair behind her ear and looked toward the bathroom door at the sound of the knock.
"Haruka." The voice she heard made her freeze in her spot. Her eyes widened and she felt her face flush. "Do you want anything from the convenience store?"
She blinked a few times at the question, and she felt like the floor had suddenly became unstable. After a moment of realizing what was happening, for reasons she didn't understand, she suddenly wrapped her arms around herself-even though she was clearly aware that he couldn't see through doors. "I- umm…." 'What the hell is wrong with my voice?' She frantically thought.
Her throat felt incapable of forming words, and her mind too fuzzy to think clearly. She couldn't understand why. Of course she knew that she was always a little off whenever he was around, but she was never like this. She at least knew how to keep composure!
'What's different.' But she knew.
KNOCK "Haruka, are you ok?" His voice rang around in the tiled room.
She remembered that voice from last night, and it was softly cooing words of comfort right into her ear. She remembered being wrapped in his arms-separated only by a blanket-and how it made her feel warm. She remembered how the fresh smell of soap, shampoo, and his own scent were right in the air. She remembered last night about a thousand times more clearly than she would ever prefer. That's what was different. She knew what it was like to bask in his presence until she was fast asleep-and even in sleep she could feel him.
Just the thought of everything made her flush an even darker shade of red, and she had to give herself a mental slap to try pulling herself together. She tried to think mad thoughts, and to get back the tone she would normally use on him-or any voice at this point.
"Haruk-"
"No!" 'DAMN IT SAY SOMETHING ELSE!' "N-Nothing… I don't-Nothing!" She just slammed her mouth shut and wished she could just reset everything.
...There was a silence that just made her feel even more stupid than she already did. "...Ok then. Be careful, Haruka." She heard his footsteps as he walked away.
. . .
She leaned back onto the tile wall, and felt the water pour down onto her shaking form. Her trembling hands found their way up to her face, and she was irritated to find that her face was burning. She even found that her heart was racing…
For years she knew how to act. Avoid, and be rude. It was simple, and it kept him away. She had been doing it for years, but now… With memories still fresh in her head, she couldn't even find her voice properly… It was worst than she thought…
If she couldn't even talk properly, then what about when she had to face him? What about the fact that she was living with him? What if someone saw her acting different. All he did was hold her until she fell asleep… but everything was so clear. If she lost focus enough she could remember that warmth, that voice, that comfort, that moment, and how it not only made her feel satisfied but...hungry...at the same time...
She was disgusting…
...Haruka took a deep breath in… and out… 'Maybe it's not as bad as I'm thinking… Maybe once I get out and clear my head I'll be more functional…'
Her thoughts were not too convincing, but she needed something… She's spent too long trying to repress all her feeling to let them get the better of her now.
She let her hand run through her hair, and then grab a grip on it-as she felt a loud pounding in her head…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
As she used a white, fluffy towel to dry off her hair, Haruka looked through Sasuke's closet for a futon. With everything that was happening, and her already lack of sleep, Haruka just felt like taking a nap.
She would have just gone to her room but… she figured it'd only be easier to remember last night if she were in there. Usually, she'd just grab her pillow and blanket and sleep on Sasuke's floor, but she was also worried that her sheets smelled like him…
She just sighed as she rolled out the barely used futon-only used when family comes to visit-on the floor, and put the towel to the side of the futon.
Haruka laid down and wrapped herself in the blanket. The futon might have been sitting there for a while, but it was still comfortable enough. Her eyelids fell, but not completely. She was tired, but she wasn't quite there yet to knock out…
She wondered what her friends were doing. She thought about Shikamaru being dragged around by Ino and Choji, and complaining the entire time. Naruto causing ruckus and giving either Kakashi-sensei a headache, or a visiting Iruka-sensei a migraine. Hinata who was such a soft spoken person, but more confident than when they were kids… Sasuke, who was kind of a dick...but he was still her little brother.
Haruka wondered how he was doing with his own love life, and if it was any better than hers… 'Any love life is better than mine…' She muttered in her head.
...Then, feeling tiredness come down and start mushing her mind, she thought about said love life. She'd only dated three boys in her life. Menma from middle school, and that only lasted for a month. They had to break up after he said he had to move once he went to highschool. Shikamaru, but that only lasted for a week and they decided to be friends. Then, there was Neji… They had dated for a whole three months, but she had to break it off… The more she thought about it, the more she realized all her past relationships somehow wound up back to him… She dated them all to try and forget about him...and she broke up with Neji when she realized he couldn't make her forget…
After Neji, boys have asked her out, but she declined all of them. The way things were ended with Neji was messy, and she felt absolutely horrible… She couldn't love him, so she had to end it… Haruka doesn't want to drag anyone along like that again… Because no matter how much she thought about it… It had to be him, but it couldn't be him…
He was the only one that could make her feel so warm and safe, but he's someone that she can't see like that… Only someone that was disgusting, could ever imagine living a life with her own brother…
. . . . . . . . . . . .
It was cold. The touch of pure metal pressed closely to her form, and every time it made contact with her skin there was a sickly chill that ran up and down her spin. There was something covering her eyes, but she didn't need to see to know that she was trapped. No matter how or where she moved, there was a metal wall.
The only warmth she could find was from her breaths being pushed back into her face, and the warm tears that continued to run down her cheeks.
Sobs ripped from her mouth, but it seemed as though nobody could hear her. Why? Was there really no one? Had she been abandoned to rot? Why weren't they here? Or maybe she was just being ignored? Why? Couldn't they hear she was scared? Couldn't they tell she was in pain?
She let out another sob filled scream, but there was no reply. Why?... Why? Why? Why? Why?Why?Why?Why?Why?
"...Onii-chan…." She quietly called out.
And there was finally a reply.
BANG!
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Haruka shot up straight, and she tried to catch her breath. She quickly looked around her, and found that she was fine. There was no cold metal, she was just in Sasuke's room. She pressed her hand to her temple to try and calm down the pounding in her head. And she found that she was sweating bullets.
She tried to get her thoughts together, but she found there was only a rush in her mind of nothing but fear...
Then, she heard footsteps… All that she could think about was the warmth. All she could think about was being wrapped in safety. All she could think about was that it was the only place she knew how to really breath. She slowly got up to her shaky legs, and walked to the door, and after only two steps, she found herself practically leaping toward the door. Once she felt the handle to the door in her hand she didn't miss a beat to open it wide open.
...There was a figure in front of the door, but it wasn't him.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
After already having a crappy day at school Sasuke just wanted to lock himself into his room and do homework. Anything to just get what happened at lunch out of his head.
However, while being right in front of his door to own room, it was quickly opened and he found the one that did it was his own sister. It did not surprise him to see her there. After all the years, she practically made it her second room. What took him off guard was to see that she was pale, sweating, and had a hopeful look in her eyes that went straight to disappointment when she saw him.
In just a second, she quickly smiled up at him, but he could still see her slightly trembling. "Oh, Sasuke. I-I didn't know school was over."
She moved to the side to let him in, and after a second of looking at her-while her eyes just stuck to the floor-he just quietly walked in and closed the door behind him. His eyes fell to the futon on the floor, and he saw how it was messy and looked as though she were tossing in her sleep.
"S-Sorry about that. I… I was just taking a little nap…."
He didn't want to look at her.
Sasuke tossed his bag to the foot of the bed, and just took a seat at the edge. He folded his hands together, and rested his knees on his lap and his chin on his hands. Looking down at the futon, and thinking about his sister right there-once again trying to hide-he just felt something in him begin the boil. But he was silent…
"...Sasuke," She spoke quietly, "are you ok?"
The fact that she asked that question only made the boiling feeling grow. He tried to push it down, but he knew he was ready to snap… " Haru, why didn't you tell me about the nightmares?"
He looked up at her just in time to see the way the question took her off guard. Her eyes slightly widened, and he saw her fingers curl around the ends of her sleeves. He tried to watch her carefully as she looked down to the floor-in what almost looked like shame. "...I didn't want to bother."
He felt his hands tighten at that reply. "Why would it have been a bother?"
"...I didn't think it was a problem." Her voice was quiet.
He tried to swallow down a lump that was beginning to form, but it didn't help the choking feeling he was beginning to feel. "You didn't think it was a problem...?"
But she still remained incapable of even looking at him, but her brows did furrow into a look of guilt. "...Sasuke, can we just drop it I'm-"
"HARU!" He was even surprised at his sudden outburst, but the boiling was only getting worse and worse, and he could no longer try to calm it down. He was up on his feet glaring straight at his sister, as she stared at him wide eyed. "You almost died! I watched you almost die, and you want to keep acting like it didn't happen?! Why didn't you just tell me before you nearly collapsed onto ongoing traffic you moron!"
For a long time it was nothing but silence. Sasuke couldn't drop his glare… because he couldn't turn away the painful feeling of being left in the dark… When they were younger, she was closer to Itachi than him, but she still wouldn't hide things from him-things that mattered. After they confessed their own loves, they didn't hide things. It had even gone to the point that they could understand each other with just a look. But, this time, she wouldn't tell him. He couldn't read what was wrong with her. He didn't hear an answer until after it had put her in danger. Even now, she's trying to hide things from him instead of just telling him, so that he won't have to watch her act like a zombie for a week! So, that he doesn't have to watch her nearly fall right into death! So that he doesn't have to watch her curled up in a building helplessly while he's left unable to do anything… That last part wasn't her fault…
He was still mad… He was still furious, because she just wouldn't talk to him…
Finally, Haruka answered, but she wasn't happy to. She seemed to have gotten angry herself, and she glared only half as harshly as he did. "I didn't think telling you I was having some problem sleeping was something I had to prioritize! Do you just want me to tell you everything that happened throughout the day!"
"I want you to tell me the things that are ready to kill you!"
"How was I supposed to know I was going to happen?! I thought at worst I would just be taking extra naps! I'm not psychic Sasuke!"
"What about the damn dreams?!"
"What about them?!"
"You didn't say a single word about them to me! I assumed you were just having trouble sleeping because of Nii-san! And, you know I was thinking that too! But you never bothered correcting me! Why?!"
"Because I thought they would just go away eventually!"
"Go away or not, why didn't you just tell me?!"
"...Because… Because I had other things on my mind-"
"What other things? What else are you hiding?!"
"..."
"Haru, why won't you just talk-?!"
"Because I feel like I'm losing my mind!"
...To that, Sasuke finally paused. He looked at her with slightly widened eyes, but she couldn't look at him. Her eyes were narrowed down at the floor, and her brows were furrowed out of extreme discomfort. She was trembling and holding herself, as though she were trying to hold herself together. Her eyes even looked like they were watering up.
"...I'm sorry, Sasuke, ok… I wish it was like before when I could tell you about these things… but it's not… I don't know why but it's not! … I've been waking up to these horrible nightmares sweating and shaking, and I have to try telling myself it's not real." Her hands curled up tightly into her hair as her she looked to the floor and her face covered by her hair. "It all feels too real, and I don't even know why… But that's not even the worst part… I can't… I can't wake up from them without wanting to be comforted… but it can't be anyone but him… I don't want to, but it's like my body is thinking without me, and betraying me… I feel like I can't even control myself anymore… I can't even talk right near him, how am I supposed to avoid him if I feel like I can't even function without him?!" She fell down to her knees, and her hands-still entangled in her hair-covered her face, and he could only watch as she cried.
...That's something he couldn't imagine… She wasn't just heartbroken or self loathing, she felt she was losing grasp of her own self control…
Guilt swelled until it was practically choking him, and watching her cry like that… It only brought back memories of when they were in the shed, and he couldn't do anything to help her… He was just useless while she suffered.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
It took a while, but she finally was finished crying-but she now felt an uncomfortable pounding in her head… She hesitantly looked up over at Sasuke-her knees pulled up to her face and her hair fallen over her eyes. Haruka didn't notice until now, but he was now sitting on the floor-just a few feet from her-with one knee held up.
"...Are you done?" The question was a little rude, but she could tell by his tone he didn't mean it like that. She also noticed he was looking at her but not in the eyes.
"Yeah…"
...It's been a long time since they've had an awkward silence, and even longer since it was this awkward.
Finally, he spoke. "I didn't mean to yell…" She thought he could even hear him say "Sorry" right under his breathe.
"...I'm sorry too, I didn't mean to snap… You just wanted answers."
She didn't know what got over her. After waking from another terrible dream, and realizing that she really can't sleep right without him she was just to frustrated with Sasuke coming in and yelling at her… Granted, he does have reason to be mad, but it was probably just bad timing that made her get mad back… And… It didn't help that Sasuke-of all people-was the person she relied on to understand her and be patient with her… She didn't expect him to suddenly demand things she wasn't even sure about…
"If you really don't want to talk…" She snapped out of her thoughts to the sound of his voice. "You don't have to-"
"No… It's fine… You were right, you deserve to understand…" 'It could also help to get all this off my chest.' "... It… It started in the shed…."
(AN) For anyone confused, when Haruka mentioned she dated a guy names Menma, I was referring to a character in the one of the filler arcs at the end of Naruto (not Shippuden). He wasn't in the manga, and he's never mentioned again, but damn it he was a sweet heart! :)