(AN) I feel like there's always certain chapters harder to write than others, but this one was especially hard to write! I wrote and rewrote this chapter I don't know how many times, and now I just really hope I wrote it well! And I feel like it's only going to get harder and harder to write!... Not that that's a bad thing I think, I think I'm just getting more invested in the rest of the story and I just really want to make sure it turns out well. So... I hope you enjoy what I managed to write for this chapter. As always, please forgive any of the typos ,^^
dbss: Thank you for forgiving how long it took to update the last chapter, hopefully this wait wasn't too bad! I also hope you like this chapter as much as the last one :)
topsy: Thank you so much for the compliment, I hope I can keep you as happy as you seem to be now. And, yes my biggest insecurity as a fanfiction writer is keeping character in character, so you saying that means a lot to me! ^^ A lot of people ask for more Itachi POV, so I'll try to add more as the story progresses, but always feel free to mention if he sounds OOC! And as for Haruka's past... I hope you stick around long enough to find out!
Mystic Moon Flower: Yeah, sometimes I do feel a little bad to how much I've battered the poor girl, but no matter how I pictured it being in love with your brother can't be easy. And, yeah, Itachi has some issues of his own that he works through too. So, I hope you don't get too sick of the bumps in this ride!
It was impossible to remember the first time it happened, but she could still recount numerous situations of it:
Haruka was walking with her mother holding both her and Sasuke's hand as they strolled down the busy street. A street she could no longer remember, from a town that felt like it was long gone. But, she did remember that she was happy to feel the safe grasp of her mother's hand, and knew her twin brother felt the same.
She felt perfectly content as her mother lovingly watched Sasuke chat about his day-they'd spent the day being taught how to play kick the can. He was cheerful in that way kids are, and his smile was contagious.
It was a nearly perfect scene, until she noticed the people around them.
At this point, it wasn't a surprise, and Haruka knew it would be better to just ignore them, but she couldn't look away. They stared and whispered as the three passed by. It was difficult to hear, but Haruka knew what sorts of things they were whispering.
"Did you hear who their father is?" "How tragic." "Poor kids." "You know what happened behind closed doors." "What a terrible environment." "We all know how those kids will end up."
Buzz words that would constantly come up no matter where her family went. No matter how perfect the scene, no matter how happy they were, someone always had something to say about them.
What made it all worse was that she knew her mother could hear them too, but only continued to hold it in as she smiled at her children with all the love in the world. Yet, no one could see that.
Haruka was young when she noticed these things. It took her years to realize what those people were talking about, and why her mother sometimes looked at them with sad eyes, but from the very beginning she knew something was wrong. She could feel the distress from her mother, and the judgement from the strangers. Kids couldn't really understand complicated situations, but that didn't mean they couldn't feel when something was wrong. And Haruka could always feel the disgust from others, and it was always pointed at her parents.
Her mother was nothing but warm and kind, there was never anything malicious or underline cruel in the things that she did. She was as loving as any mother could be. And her father… She knew what her father was, and she knew what he did, just as much as she knew that he loved them. He kept business away from the family, and he never expected them to walk in his footsteps. Never once in her "terrible" home did she feel unloved, yet others thought otherwise.
She knew what they thought of her family, and she knew they looked to her and her brothers to be proven right. They were a family with a father who was-evil-a yakuza leader, and the kids were only going to grow up to be the same. No matter how normal they looked now, they'd only end up all the same.
Haruka hated those accusing eyes, and only wanted to try proving them wrong, even a little bit. She wanted them to stop seeing her family as a dysfunctional mess that would end up continuing a cycle that didn't exist. She wanted to show them that she came out of this family, this perfectly happy family, as perfect as she could be.
She studied as hard as she could, she behaved as much as she should, and she tried to master as many other things as she could. She wanted to be the perfect child, so that people could stop thinking anything was wrong with her family. She wanted people to see that her parent's could raise a child right no matter their background. She wanted to put every last bit of her effort into being as smart, athletic and perfectly selfless as she could be.
As long as others can see how wonderful her family was, as long as no one else in her family would have to prove anything, she would put everything into showing the world something they could approve of.
'Just leave the public opinion to me, and let my family enjoy themselves as much as they want. I'll do all the hard work, I'll take all the gazes, I'll do everything I can. So no one else has to do anything.'
She hated the title "Hime-same", she hated the formality other's showed her, and she hated having so many eyes looking at her. But she never tried to shut any of it down, because she knew that it just meant she had to try harder. To keep a positive opinion of her, to have people think she was someone respectable, and to make sure there weren't eyes on the rest of her family.
If it's to stop those accusing eyes that waited for something to break, she would carry as much weight as she could, and push away any other desires she had.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Haruka let her teacher's words ring through her head, and she slowly washed away the look of surprise off her face. "Sensei, if you paid enough attention to your students as you did to your dirty books, maybe you could give better advice." She tried to sound as offhanded as possible as she tried to push down the rising feeling in her chest.
He only sighed at her, a sigh that adults give to children when they think they're being childish, and Haruka just felt more annoyed. "I think I know enough about teenagers to know when they're dodging perfectly good advice out of stubbornness."
She frowned at him. "I think you might be a little too blinded by your own scumminess and think others are like you too." She muttered.
Whether or not he heard her, he ignored her and looked off to the pool. It was quiet for a moment. As the rest of the world loudly played and laughed, their little corner was silent. A secret hung in the air, one that Haruka put all the effort in the world to try hiding, and her teacher pretended like he didn't notice. There was a guarded tension around her and she knew it, and she wanted Kakashi to know not to poke at it too much.
Finally, he spoke calmly without looking at her. "I have lived a fairly longer life than you, and that's enough for me to have had more experiences. What I've learned from that is that things hurt when you run away from them, they hurt when you avoid them,they hurt when you wear a mask, and they hurt when you're being honest. No matter what, you can't avoid something from hurting you; that is, if it's worth a damn. But that's not to say that life is terrible like you kids seem to think. You just have to find those things that make it worth it. They'll probably hurt you like anything else in this world, but it'll be something that can at least smother some of the pain it inflicts. And, if you're lucky, maybe even all the other things that hurt can subside."
Haruka never had a lot of respect from her teacher, but she did have some respect. When she saw him being late to class or reading his books while not seeming to care too much about their education, she always wondered how she was able to feel any respect for him. But, in this moment she saw it. The expression he was wearing right now was that of someone who's been everywhere, learned everything, and doesn't see it as a blessing. And yet, he could still sit here as though none of that weighed as much as it did.
Instead, he was using it as a tool to assist someone, so that they don't have to feel the amount of weight he needed to come to this conclusion.
With that, his eyes lost that heavy gaze and instead looked at her with the casual smile he was better known for. "Of course, you can go ahead and right off that advice too if it's also not to your liking, Hime-sama."
Haruka let the name calling slide and just huffed as she looked away. "...I don't want to be scum." She tried to say it casually-like it wasn't really an answer-but she felt the heaviness of her own words.
Kakashi just sighed as he got up to his feet. "I get it, I get it. Sensei is being too harsh and straight forward about things he doesn't really understand, right. I'm just trying to be a good teacher; you ask your questions and I answer them, and then some. So take it or leave it."
She raised a brow at his comment. "Should a teacher be saying that about a supposed lesson?" She meant nothing bad in her comment, only to change the tone of the situation.
"I'm only here to give some answers, it's the students job to actually take it and use it. I'm not here to force anyone to do anything." He gave her an ever so slightly sly grin-that reminded her of the part of him she could never respect. "Unless you want Sensei to be more insistent until you give in and listen by force."
… She stared blankly at him for a moment before she cupped her hands around her mouth in the direction of the pool. "Iruka-Sensei, a poor-excuse-of-a-teacher is being inappropriate with a-"
"Ok, ok, I get it!" He quickly talked over her-as Iruka looked over at them confused. He cleared his throat and straightened himself back up. "My point is, you mull over what I said yourself, and make your own decisions. I'm going to go and indulge a little in the thing that makes me happy." He said it in a joking tone, but she knew-by now-how serious he really was.
With that, he followed true to his words and walked off towards Iruka and the others-mainly Iruka. And he left her to think over things herself… Which was the last thing she wanted. He was right in the fact that she was the one asking for advice, but she had hoped it'd be a simple instruction on what to do. But he was essentially telling her to find a balance in what hurts and being selfish in order to find some sanity.
'Indulge, but know that even indulging may hurt. Just hope you've found the right thing to indulge in, so that the pain will be worth it.' That's how she's decided to interpret his advice, but it was still a hard pill to swallow.
He was also right in that she wanted to scream at him that he didn't understand her situation. Afterall, would he say the same thing if he did know? '"Indulge a little in your unnatural love for your brother." I doubt he'd say that.' Just thinking of her particular circumstances felt like it was something… unworthy of those understanding words.
...Regardless of however much harder the abnormality of her situation makes taking advice seriously is, there was the advice itself that she couldn't fathom. It all came down to him saying "be more selfish," which is the one thing in her life she always tried to keep to a minimum. She'd occasionally complain, she'd occasionally be sharp tongued, and rarely did she ever outright say what she wanted without being asked. There were more important things to worry about than her own selfish desires. There was school, there was her friends and family, how could she be selfish when there were more important things to worry about?
That's the thing that she couldn't agree to, because how could she? Take advantage of the ignorance of the people around her to get what she wants? Wouldn't that just be nothing but cruel and downright exploitative? In the first place, what did she even want? What could she possibly want so badly that she would push aside all her morals to obtain it?... What…?
For a moment, of complete daze, she stared off at the rest of the world. Her mind was shut off as she started at the kids that happily ran around the pools with adults telling them to stop, teenagers flirting and joking with their peers, and staff members trying to make a living… The world was turning around her, and she struggled to gain herself together.
Finally, her mind slowly realized why it suddenly turned off, why it suddenly collapsed on itself. It realized something she'd completely missed… 'What… What do I want?'
… Her world had constantly flipped on its side so many times in these past few weeks-arguably these past years-and all she'd ever do was whine and wail about it. She knew that all these unfortunate situations were not to her liking, but how could she have fixed it so that she would be happy with it?
She always knew avoiding him brought nothing but heartache, and being near him only did the same thing. So then, what wouldn't hurt? What could she possibly be happy with? What did she want in the first place that would make her situation any better?
Did she want the pain to stop? Of course! Did she want to not have a mental breakdown over every little thing? Of course! Did she want to be a normal functioning human being? Of course, that's all she ever wanted! So then… Did she not want to be in love with him?... She thought she knew the answer to that one. Since she was a child, she cursed at the world for making her like this, so sick in the head and heart that she could ever fall in love with her own brother. She wished and wished over and over for her feeling to just fly away with the wind so that her aching could end… So then…
So then why was it so hard right now… to say that the thing she wants, is to erase him from her heart?... If not that, then what else could she possibly want? What other option is there that could fix all her other wants and wishes? What other desire did she want fulfilled?
… She found herself staring at her two teachers as they played with their students-more specifically Kakashi was trying to drag Iruka off somewhere while Naruto retaliated and everyone else laughed. Her gaze was pointed towards the last person she'd spoken to, to the person that gave her advice that she had asked for, and she couldn't help but resent herself.
Of course, what else was new, it was as though every decision she made these days only made her hate herself more and more-and her sense of self esteem wasn't great to begin with. From getting locked in a storage room, to agreeing to getting into a car with him, to this very moment, it was all filled with nothing but mistakes. Because, she realized, bit by bit, it was all leading to the conclusion she never wanted to reach. The very thing she hid away, buried, and waited to die as she turned her back to it for years… The one thing, that she's truly, unconditionally wanted… she… 'I…'
Feeling suddenly exhausted she uncurled from herself and leaned back into the beach chair as it was intended to be used. She rested her hand over her face as she tried to stop the sudden pounding of her head-rivaled only by the sudden pounding of her heart.
'What am I thinking right now? It's insane. I'm considering taking the advice of a man that I've had to watch read out loud one of his dirty books to his boss. Advice that isn't even valid because he doesn't know the whole story, and if he did… If anyone found out about the whole story, they'd all change their opinion about me. And then, I won't be the only one who ends up hurt…'
After a moment of quiet reflection of everything-that felt like far too much-she peeked through the gaps of her fingers and looked up, at that-stupid-dome. Painted blue in order to look more like the sky outside, but it was very clearly fake. It was nothing but a mask, but people learned to just accept it for the fake it is.
'Hypothetically…' She quietly-softly-wondered to herself. 'If I were to wear a mask, rather than avoid and run away entirely… would people learn to just accept the mask that I wear, even if there was a hint of it being fake?... Would that really be what I want?... Does that count as me being selfish? Can...' Her eyes unfocused, and her mind hazed out under the weight of the heavy emotions overwhelming her.
She tried to close her eyes to regain focus, but there was no calminga whirlpool of emotions that she'd tried burying for years as it slowly rose to the surface. It was a single thought, a hypothetical, but it stirred a part deep inside herself that she'd bottled up and tried to hide away in her anguish in hopes that it would cure her of her sin.
In the midst of her dizzying state, a face flashes behind her lids, a smile that only caused this part of her to stir more violently. 'Can I really give into just a little bit of desire?' As always, she felt herself engulfed in numerous emotions-many of which brought nothing but distress-but she tried to look unfazed and unneeding of help.
. . . . . . . . . . . .
Itachi didn't know why he was awake right now. It was almost 0:00, and he was sitting in the living room with a TV on droning about nothing. It was some sort of old TV show rerun of a show he'd never even heard of, but he wasn't even paying attention to any of it. The only thing with any of his focus pointed towards it was the letter that he held in his hand, and he wasn't even paying much attention to that.
It had been a fairly normal day; spending some of the time with Sasuke, some of the time with his mother, and most of the time alone. His mother was gone from the house most of the day since her and his father had… something to go to-he didn't know the details and he didn't know if he wanted to. Both his brother and sister were also gone most of the day to some pool thing with their friends, and they barely came back a few hours ago. So, he'd really spent the majority of the day doing nothing.
There was nothing that really needed to be done, and nothing he'd really wanted to do. There was no helping his mother with anything today. There was no chatting with Sasuke today. There was no… events with Haruka today… Which is probably why the day felt so empty today.
'Maybe that's why I can't sleep. I don't feel like it's a waste for it to end without anything happening.' He quietly pondered to himself. However, if that were the case, there was nothing he could do now to make the day any more worthwhile than it already wasn't.
With that in mind, he began to think it was probably time to put everything away and just go to- He heard a creek.
It was a fairly old house, so it was pretty easy to make any noise by putting any pressure on the floor or walls. Suddenly feeling alerted, he looked behind him, and then he felt himself relaxed.
From the distance between them, and the darkness of the room-the only light coming from the TV-it was difficult to properly look her in the eyes. Regardless, he saw her purple orbs go wide when he met them. She was wearing thin pajama pants with prints of birds, and a large gray hoodie that reached her thighs. She'd clearly just rolled out of bed recently, and by the look on her face-and the fact that she had one foot on the stairs and the other on the ground floor-she looked like she wasn't expecting to see him up as well.
He never really knew how to confront her in a way that wouldn't scare her off-her sudden change recently made this even more so-but he tried to be careful as he spoke to her now. "Did you need something?"
She stood semi petrified for a moment before she averted her eyes to the ground. Her expression became less stiff and she removed her foot from the first step of the stairs. "I was going to grab a glass of water."
He was surprised that she had answered him at all if he were being honest. Whenever he asked her a question these days, it was practically a dice roll of whether or not she'd respond back. This moment was so unexpected, and his question so mundane, that he wasn't expecting any result in his favor.
However, luck didn't seem to stay on his side, since she practically rushed into the kitchen before he could think to say anything else to her-though what he didn't know.
With a sigh he leaned back into the couch.
Haruka… had certainly been something lately. He supposed she was… 'opening up' more to him? Though that was difficult to say. It was a strange situation, where she seemed more open to the idea of being near him; but, at the same time, she almost seemed more guarded around him. She'd begun helping him in the kitchen more often, and she'd even started eating with them at the dinner table. Initially, he thought it was wonderful and was happy for the change, but something about it bothered him.
He couldn't put his finger on it, but it felt like the closer she physically got to him, the more distance she put between them emotionally. She still rarely spoke to him in these moments, and when she did it was for a simple command and response. It almost as though she were regarding him more and more like a stranger. As though treating him so unfamiliarly was the only way she could be by his side.
As… almost unsatisfying those moments with her were, it was almost sad to admit it was still the closest she's been to him these past few years… It still wasn't what he wanted…
He began to just fold up the letter in his hand and decided that he meant it this time and was just going to go to bed.
However, "What…" he nearly jumped as he heard a quiet voice a few feet behind him. He looked over his shoulder again and saw that Haruka had seemingly returned from the kitchen and stood in the middle of the path to head back up the stairs. Her eyes were focused on him and her voice pointed at him, both things he rarely ever got from her. "What's that?" She asked as she pointed in his general direction.
For a moment, Itachi was at a loss for words. How long has it been since she spoke to him first? How many years?... Feeling a little flabbergasted, he tried to gain his senses and looked down at what he was holding. "This?" He asked carefully-afraid he'd ruin this moment by being either too eager or too uninterested-as he gestured to the folded up letter.
She wordlessly nodded in confirmation, but he wanted to look at her a little longer before he answered her-even though he knew it was dangerous to leave her waiting when she's the one who came up to him first. She was showcasing a closed off stance. Her legs stood closely together, her arms were crossed, and her hands were gripping-ever so slightly-to her arms in an almost guarded position. Nothing in the way she stood showed any interest or want to converse with him, yet her eyes were still glued to him as she waited for a response.
...Not knowing what's gotten into her, but not wanting to shoo it away, he slowly answered her question. "It's a letter from a hospital a little outside of town, they want to see me for an interview for a small position they have."
Itachi couldn't keep his eyes off of her as her face scrunched up in a confused expression. "I… I thought you were taking a break…"
'She still wants to stay?' He wondered. His eyes unconsciously softened at her remark. "That was the plan, but it looked like one of my professors sent out some recommendation letters behind my back." Against his will, he looked away from her to set the letter on the coffee table. "I told him I wanted to take a little break before deciding anything, but I don't think he really listened." 'I wanted to spend a little more time with everyone before I had to leave all over again.'
"Maybe…" Eagerly, he looked back over to her, as her eyes flickered between him and the wall-as though she was unsure on which to focus on. Her hands tightened ever so slightly on her arms as words seemed to roll around in her head for the right thing to say. It was more than a little interesting to watch. "Maybe… he just… thought it'd be a waste… for you to not do… anything…" She spoke slowly, and uncertainty, but he absorbed each of her carefully spoken words.
He ran her words through his head over and over, and he thought about it with as much care as she used to say it. "I guess that makes sense." He watched her expression intently, wondering how it would change. "But, regardless, I made a decision. Right now, I just want to put my full attention on the people in this house." It was the truth, but once he said it he was worried he said too much.
Haruka was quick to run away when he pushed too much, and when he finished talking her expression became unreadable. Her eyes looked away from him and he felt a fear plummet into his stomach. That somehow, something happened, and he messed it up.
As he became ready to see the familiar sight of her running away from him-and became ready to quickly say whatever he could to her departure-he was left speechless by her next action.
Slowly, every so slowly, with her head hung low, she began to walk towards the couch. He was sitting on one end of the couch and she walked towards the other end. Her fingers hesitantly touched the armrest, and she looked conflicted on what to do now. She lingered at that spot, and slowly walked over to sit in the middle of the couch instead-almost right next to him. She pulled her legs up to her chest and sunk into the couch.
If he were thinking clearly, he'd know to not stare at her-since that also tended to make her run away faster-but he couldn't help himself. He didn't know what to say or do in this situation. It was a simple gesture but not one he'd expect from her out of nowhere. He felt a tightness in his chest and he didn't know what he was meant to do-if he was meant to do anything.
Finally, to further surprise him, she broke the silence with her soft voice. "I… I still can't sleep… C-Can I stay here for a little bit?"
...Then, almost all at once, he felt a feeling of ease come over him. A familiar feeling engulfed him, and he felt himself smiling at it. His mind cleared, and he let himself once again speak from the heart. "Of course."
He'd felt this a million times before when she was younger. Before all her avoiding, before all her guarding, he had said those two words to her a million times. That familiar feeling that tugged at his mind and heart was the desire to answer to her requests. To listen to her wants. To give her any little thing she wanted.
From the moment Itachi met her, made her smile and laugh, he'd always been overcome with the desire to spoil her even if it was just a little bit. He wanted to listen and grant every little selfish wish she had.
Even now, with such a small and hesitant request, all he wanted was to give her just what she asked for.
She meant it when she said "a little bit," for she only sat with him for half an hour or so before quietly getting up and heading upstairs. He told her "goodnight" and she only responded with a nod and that was that. However, he still felt the bubbling feeling of being able to be this close to her, even if it was just a little bit.
Itachi sat there, smiling to himself like an idiot, a little longer. He didn't know why he was awake at 0:42 in the morning, but he was more than happy that he was.
(AN) There was more I wanted to add to this chapter, but then I realized how long it was already. So I'll try to add it into the next chapter, whenever that comes out (I'm sorry for my long updates!) Also, I'm sorry for any typos! When I get into the zone I really blank out and then I feel too exhausted to proof read! Regardless, I hope you guys liked it.