Summary: Dr Happy the Lurve Guru and his lovely assistant Mirajane will see you now.
Pairings: Implied Happy/Charle, Gray/Juvia, Gajeel/Levy, one-sided Jet/Levy/Droy, Alzack/Bisca, Elfman/Evergreen, sisterly Mirajane/Elfman, Jellal/Erza, crack Laxus/Freed, Laxus/Mirajane, Natsu/Lucy, and Happy/Fish.
Author's Note: for asian-simbae, who inspired this chapter.
Gray had just been minding his own business when Mira suddenly grabbed hold of his arm and hauled him into one of the stock rooms where Happy was sitting cross-legged on a yoga mat with his best serene, wise, facial expression.
"Dr Happy will see you now!" Mira chirped.
"Wait!" Gray yelped. "What?!"
"I am Dr Happy, the Lurve Guru," Happy explained, "ever since Charle agreed to go out with me I find I am filled with sage advice for other people's romantic love lives and have decided to help people so they could be as happy as I am."
"…you have got be kidding me," Gray muttered. "I'm out of he – EEK!"
Gray had turned round to meet a terrifyingly furious Mira. "Sit down!" she hissed as she pushed him down onto the floor so he was sitting cross-legged in front of Happy. "And listen!"
"Yes Ma'am!"
"Now," Happy spoke up "I have noticed you are in a romantic relationship with Juvia."
Gray leaped back onto his feet at this.
"I AM NOT IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH JUVIA!"
"No," Happy conceded, "you're not and that's the problem. You should be!" Gray spluttered incoherently at that. "You like her very much and she liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes you," Happy grinned childishly at that, "but you're not in a happy relationship because you're closed off and icy cold. You come across incapable of anything but brooding in a dark corner like Laxus or Gajeel. If you're ever to find happiness you will need to open up and show Juvia your vulnerable side. You must let her in so she can make you happy."
"I….you're right," Gray murmured softly as he sagged back down onto his knees, "but how do I do that? I'm so used to keeping it all locked up, you know?" he mumbled. "Trying to just get through day to day."
"That's all right, my son," Happy said in his best old, wise, man voice, "the key to being open and vulnerable is…"
Gray leaned forwards eagerly.
"….to eat more fish!"
Gray collapsed at that.
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
Gajeel sat opposite Happy with an intimidating scowl on his face and his arms crossed defiantly.
"All right, cat," he said loudly, "where do you think I'm going wrong in my pursuit of the Shrimp?"
"Well," Mira muttered in the background, "calling Levy a shrimp for a start."
"Nothing," Happy replied sagely, "you have been open and honest with her. You have made it clear that you pursuing her romantically and when you take her out you treat her like a goddess."
"Gihihi," Gajeel smirked, "I certainly do."
"And yet," Happy continued, "you have not gotten past kissing." Gajeel's smirk vanished at that. "And you will not move on further in your relationship for two very simple reasons."
"Yeah?" Gajeel snarled. "And what are those?!"
"Jet and Droy."
Gajeel blinked. "You're right," he said, "those two pain in the arses are always in the way but they're the Shrimp's best friends, what am I supposed to do?"
"Slap them in the face with a fish," Happy responded immediately, "and then give me the fish for my supper."
"Gihihihihihi," Gajeel snickered, "you got it Dr Happy."
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
Alzack blinked bewilderedly.
One moment he had been playing with his daughter and then the next he was suddenly pulled into a storage cupboard and forced to sit opposite Happy who was brooding over a cup of green tea for some reason.
"Why am I here?!"
"You are here so I can give you advice on your romantic life," Happy said in an impersonation of an elderly man, "you have much to learn Grasshopper."
"…I'm married!" Alzack pointed out. "And you're not!"
"So?" Happy asked, unbothered.
"Are you saying that being married makes you a better lover than Happy?!" Mira glared indignantly.
"….I'm not going near that question with a ten foot pole let alone answering it," Alzack muttered, "what I am saying though is that being married tends to mean that I've won the game."
"Romance doesn't stop after the vows," Happy pointed out rather sensibly, "you're supposed to continue showing your love in romantic actions or they will think you no longer care."
Mira nodded along in agreement with this while Alzack bristled at the implied insult.
"I do show my love all the time!" he protested. "Just last week I brought Bisca flowers just because."
And because he let Asuka play with her guns in the house and they accidentally broke a window but still!
"Exactly!" Happy said smugly. "You shouldn't have given her such a useless thing that dies like that!" he clicked his claws. "You should have brought her fish instead."
Alzack stormed out of the cupboard before his afternoon got any weirder.
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
"Nee-san said you can help me," Elfman said desperately as he crouched on all fours in a begging position, "she said you're a great lurve guru and can help me save my relationship. Please Happy-sama!" Elfman bowed his head repeatedly like those bubble-head dolls that Max had taken to selling in the gift shop. "How do I make Ever forgive me for forgetting our anniversary?!"
"The problem is," Happy sighed in a heavy, melodramatic, fashion, "is that you don't show your appreciation of Evergreen very well. You need to make a big, romantic, gesture, in which you sweep her off of her feet and make her feel special."
"What sort of gesture?!"
"….You should make her a fish dinner."
Even Mira collapsed at that one though she hastily sat up and began to whisper hurriedly in Happy's ear while Elfman stared blankly in confusion at Happy.
"….a fish….dinner?" Elfman repeated hesitatingly. "Why? Does Ever like fish?"
"Who doesn't?" Happy shrugged. "You should cook her a nice fish dinner with candles," Mira whispered more in Happy's ear, "on the table, not in the fish, of course, and flowers, for some reason, and some romantic music in the background to dance to. It'll make Evergreen feel special and all icky and gooey with romantic feelings."
"Then I'll do it!" Elfman said triumphantly as he stood up and pumped a fist in the air. "Cooking is MANLY!" he then faltered slightly. "What sort of fish dinner should I do?"
"Salmon!" Mira butted in quickly. "Evergreen has expensive taste. She would appreciate a nice poached salmon!"
"Then that's what I shall do!" Elfman said determinedly. "I will catch Evergreen the best salmon there is before I make her a romantic meal!"
With this new goal in mind, he stride out of the cupboard confidently only to immediately walk into Evergreen (or more accurately have Bickslow and Freed throw her at him so they could make up and they no longer had to deal with a grumpy Evergreen). "Oh, hi," Evergreen sniffed disdainfully, "so I….erm…thought we could go out for dinner tonight to make up for last ni-"
"I can't!" Elfman boomed. "I have to do some MANLY fishing!"
He then marched out to complete his mission as Evergreen bite down furiously on her fan and screamed her rage out.
Mira, however, started to bash her head against the wall of the cupboard in frustration of her brother's stupidity.
"I'm sorry Mira," Happy patted her arm comfortingly, "I give out romantic advice. I can't help with your brother's dumbness. He should eat more fish."
Mira just groaned against the cold stones in defeat.
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
"Jellal has still not asked you out."
Erza cringed at that blunt statement but otherwise kept a calm and deadly façade as she met Happy's eyes with a stern look. Happy, however, had his eyes closed in attempt to look more serene and wise, and therefore missed it entirely.
"Jellal cannot ask me out," Erza corrected firmly, "he is on the run and currently running a vigilante guild to conquer evil and restore peace."
"Or," Happy grinned evilly, "He's too scared of you to ask."
"S-s-scared?" Erza repeatedly nervously.
"Aye Sir!" Happy chirped. "You have a rather terrifying image of a fierce warrior that could eat monsters for breakfasts."
"I am a strong woman," Erza agreed readily, "but Jellal likes that about me."
"He's also intimidated," Happy counteracted, "you strike me the type that would carry him over the threshold rather than the other way round. Guys don't like that. They're very weird about looking strong and manly. I mean look at Elfman," Erza and Mira had to nod in agreement at that, "besides you don't come across very maternal and nurturing."
Erza looked as if she had been struck in the face at that.
"I-I-I don't?" she stammered out.
And here she thought she was the epitome of maternal and nurturing in this guild. Had she not cradled Natsu's head in her lap when he was plagued by his motion sickness? Had she not given people comforting hugs when they were sad? Had she not cuddled, and comforted, and dote on Wendy like a big sister would?
"Nope!" Happy chirped oblivious to Erza's inner turmoil. "But never fear! I know exactly how we can changed your image to more nurturing one."
Erza bowed. "I am willing to learn, sensei."
"…You must feed me fish!"
Happy barely dodged the ninja star Erza flung at him for that that.
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
Happy stared at Cana.
Cana stared at Happy.
They both stared at each other blankly, neither giving in an inch.
"Go on then," Cana said challengingly as she crossed her arms, "tell me why I don't have boyfriend right now."
"Obviously," Happy responded snootily, "the problem is that you're not attracting the boys due to your smell."
"Why you little shit!" Cana snarled furiously as she tried to reach out and grab Happy. The blue cat, however, was faster as he used his wings to fly out of her reach each and every time she snatched at him. "Are you suggesting I stink?!"
"Yes!" Happy said childishly. "You smell like a beer barrel! There's nothing nice about that."
"Are you suggesting I should stop drinking?!"
"Of course not," Happy blinked, "I'm saying that you should improve your scent by rubbing fish all over you."
"….Why did Charle agree to go out with you again?"
"Because I wouldn't stop asking," Happy grinned, "persistence is the key. Persistence and fish!"
"….I need another drink."
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
Laxus didn't know why he was here in a storage cupboard with Happy of all people. When his girlfriend suggested it he had high hopes for a sneaky make-out session and instead he was forced to sit in front of the obnoxious blue cat who apparently thought that getting on yes out of the girl he had been pursuing relentlessly now made him a love expert.
"I have been watching you," Happy said mysteriously, "and I have noticed where you have gone wrong in your love life."
"Hn," Laxus grunted.
"Your partner gives their all to you," Happy continued, "they do everything for you, they worship you, they take care of you, they shower you with affection, and yet you give nothing back into your relationship," Mira nodded in agreement at each thing Happy said which did nothing to improve Laxus' mood. If she had a problem she could just say it not drag them through this farce, "You should show how much you appreciate your romantic partner with a loving gesture," Happy continued pompously as Mira nodded along in agreement, "Therefore I am giving you the same advice that I gave Elfman…..you should cook Freed a fish dinner."
Mira's nodding cut off abruptly.
"No he shouldn't!" she snapped "Because I'm his romantic partner!"
"Oh…." Happy blinked. He then turned to face Laxus and leaned in close to whisper; "then you should cook Mira a fish dinner too. I don't think she's happy about sharing you with Freed."
Laxus wondered if anyone would really mind if he murdered Happy.
FTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFTFT
Natsu sat cross-legged in front of Happy with a serious look on his face. Happy had an equally solemn expression on his face as he stared back. They sat in there in silence for what felt like an eternity.
"I am the greatest, wisest, and all-knowing, Guru of Lurve there ever is," Happy said pompously, "I am the answer to all of your problems."
"Oh great Happy-sama!" Natsu bowed on all fours. "Tell me what my problems are and how to solve them."
"I have noticed that you keep getting kicked out of Lucy's apartment," Happy began, "literally."
"Aye, Happy-sama!"
"And that this is usually because Lucy is very cross with you."
"Yes, Happy-sama!"
"And that is usually because Lucy is always over-thinking and you say things without thinking whatsoever therefore your biggest problem is that Lucy thinks too much," Happy said in a sage, all-knowing, tone, "and you do not."
"Ooh!" Natsu cooed childishly with a look of awe on his face. "You are so wise, Happy-sama! And what do I do to solve this problem?"
"You must…." Happy trailed off dramatically so that both Natsu and Mira would lean in eagerly, "….eat more fish!"
Natsu blinked dumbly at that while Mira collapsed.
"Oh my God!" Mira burst out furiously, having lost all patience now. "You cannot keep using fish as the answer to everything! Natsu," Mira turned to face the thoughtful looking Dragon Slayer, "listen to me," she said firmly, "your and Lucy's relationship would thrive if you listened more and respected her privacy better." She stressed. "Fish will do nothing for you but make your breath stink and annoy Lucy."
"That's not true!" Happy yelled indignantly. "There has been studies that proof fish provide the necessary omega for brains to grow! Natsu eating more fish would help him become more clever and then he could understand Lucy better when she's off on one of her ridiculous rants."
"O-o-oh!" Mira stuttered in surprise. "I didn't think of that. I thought you were just advertising your love for fish again."
"There is a method to my madness," Happy said smugly as he crossed his arms, "you should bow before my wisdom."
Natsu and Mira did so.