Despite all the progress it seems Loki makes during the day, he cannot escape a sinking feeling that creeps in when he is alone at night, left alone with his thoughts. When he is with Shuri and Peter, he finds a spark in their joy and their curiosity, and Bucky's home is a source of peace. But it is the distance he still feels between him and Thor that gnaws at him and causes him to continually question his own worth. Thor is happy exchanging stories with Carol and sparring with her in the courtyard. Thor is learning from Wakanda's elite Dora Milaje as well, his own curiosity piqued by their combination of traditions and technology. And Thor talks of an alliance between Wakanda and New Asgard that could restore hope in his people. Loki sees a bright future for the new king.
While Thor blooms, Loki struggles, memories creeping in at night and leaking into dreams he doesn't know how to handle. He wakes in cold sweats and is grateful the rooms in the palace are mostly soundproof – royal business must stay private. He knows he is likely crying out in his sleep. He doesn't settle after the nightmares. To avoid them, he tries to stop sleeping more than a few hours at a time, but this only makes his waking hours more difficult. He starts to struggle to keep up with Peter and Shuri and doesn't have the energy to play with Sleipnir. More often than not, he falls asleep in the stable curled up in his warmth, waking when Sleipnir shifts beside him. He rarely makes the short journey to Bucky's home, his legs always seemingly on the edge of collapse from his exhaustion.
Shuri and Peter offer to help take care of Sleipnir. Shuri starts building drones she can let him chase and a hoverboard she or Peter can use to keep up with him as he runs. Loki watches them from the window. They seem happy without him.
He overhears the teenagers as he is leaving the stable to return to his rooms, "I'm worried about Mr. Loki. Something's wrong – any idea what?" Peter asks.
"He said it was nightmares," Shuri replies. "It isn't unusual for those who've endured horrible things to have them."
"Well, yeah, I know – I get them, too. That whole 'turning to dust on an alien planet' thing kinda messed me up."
"Yes, but unlike him, you sought ways to simply sleep without dreams."
"That's because I like sleep better than I like most anything else," Peter says, "Well...maybe not food. And my friends. But if I can have food and friends and then fall asleep, that's just about perfect."
Shuri laughs, "Somehow I think you and Loki have very different ways of coping with trauma."
Peter sighs, "I'm not sure Mr. Loki actually has a way of coping with trauma..."
"He talks to Bucky. He has a lot to sort out, Peter. And some of it isn't something anyone else on our planet would directly relate to. Give him time, and be patient. Some of this he's handling alone."
"I know, I'm just frustrated because I don't know how to help."
"I understand. So am I...but we'll both be here when he needs us."
Loki hurries away quietly as he hears their footsteps start in his direction. When he is safely in the quiet of his room, he mulls on the conversation between the teens. They both care, that much is clear. They are trying to understand and seek to be kind, that much is also clear. Both of these things make him feel a little better. But they also worry about him and he feels as though he's burdening them by being a concern. It doesn't take long for the momentary relief to turn into another reason for the sinking feeling to settle deeper in his chest.
Later in the day, Bucky checks in with Loki and tries to convince him to find a way to get some rest. He offers to sit with him so he doesn't wake alone, but Loki rejects the offer.
"Just promise me that if something starts to feel too bleak, you come get me." Bucky says.
"I don't want to make promises...they're too easily broken or ignored. But if I feel I need help, I will find you," Loki answers.
"That's not exactly reassuring, Loki."
"It's all I can give, James."
Bucky sighs, "Just...remember I've got your back, OK? I'm here and you don't have to go through this stuff alone."
"I know."
Bucky changes the subject, "The kids were giggling over something in the lab and tried to hide it when I got close. Wonder who they're going to try to prank this time."
"I believe Peter has been aiming to surprise Thor. I gave him a few ideas."
"Just a few?"
Loki smiles, "Oh, alright, I gave him numerous ideas..."
"Shuri's got some mean pranking skills. Some of the things she did to her brother...let's just say it's a good thing she's quiet, little, and can run real fast."
"Care to tell the story?" Loki asks.
"Nah...I'm not the greatest storyteller. But I'd bet she'd be thrilled to tell you herself." Bucky stands and stretches, "Sorry, I can't stay longer. I've got a call with the US government and several lawyers about what they want to do about all the war crimes...can't be late. But come by the cabin again sometime – I miss having you around." He waves to Loki as he leaves and Loki waves back.
As much as he enjoys Bucky's company, he also knows it is likely to end before too long, their last day together inching closer after each of these calls about which Bucky says very little.
"Two weeks," Bucky tells Loki while they're sitting outside having tea beside the fire, "That's how long I have before Uncle Sam wants me back in the States to start dealing with the mess I've made."
"But you didn't know you were making it," Loki counters.
"Yeah, well, that's why I'm just going back to meet with more lawyers and getting a psych eval while I live in a government compound instead of getting executed for crimes against humanity, so...I'll take it."
Loki sips his tea, "Ah. I see."
"Don't think I want to leave Wakanda, Loki – this place has been a home when I didn't have another one. But the US government is a bully and Wakanda's the little guy. I can't stop them from deciding this whole country's the enemy just because I don't jump when they say jump. And I'm not putting anybody in that position. Especially not Shuri."
Loki nods, "Oh, yes...I hadn't realized it would be her duty to negotiate over you."
"Kid already has to do that for some of this," Bucky says, "I'm not making it harder on her."
"Of course. It makes sense to protect her, too."
Bucky takes a moment to watch Loki and then sighs, "Look...I know you're not going to show me just how much of a gut punch this is, but I get that it's not easy for you, either. I don't know how much they're going to let me talk to the outside world. If I can, I'll find a way to check in with you, see how you're doing. Whenever they let me leave the country, I'll come find you and make you a cup of tea. I just don't know how long that'll be."
Loki's shoulders deflate, "Thank you."
"You'll be alright. I'm not leaving you – it's just a see-you-later, you know? I'll make sure I come back," Bucky says. "And we'll always have Wakanda."
Loki nods, "This is true. So long as Wakanda will always have us."
"Oh, Shuri's not going to kick either of us out. She's a good kid. She'll be a phenomenal queen, too."
"I only hope it doesn't hurt her too dearly."
"What? Being queen?" Loki nods. Bucky shakes his head, "I don't think it will. She was a part of a lot of T'Challa's decisions. Her mom never treated her like she wasn't capable of governing. And she's got some great advisors. I think she'll be OK."
"I hope you're right. She's a dear girl. I'd hate to see her broken by it."
Bucky refills Loki's tea, "I know you're worried because of the shit you've been through, but Wakanda's not Asgard. T'Chaka was a good king and raised his kids to understand that it's a partnership between the ruling family and the people. T'Challa and Shuri both learned his lessons well and Ramonda's right there with Shuri to make sure she stays steady."
"She seems far more grounded than either Thor or I ever have been," Loki says. "I would have liked to have met her brother."
"T'Challa was a good guy and gave me a chance when he had absolutely no reason to. I mean...I didn't know it at the time, but I was a part of the reason their dad's dead...some foundations I laid earlier. They should have just shot me the minute I ended up in their country." Bucky shrugs, "But instead, they fixed me."
Loki raises his eyebrows, "Oh?"
"Yeah...I have to say, it was a mindfuck to have Shuri just...forgive that...and move forward on breaking the sleeper agent programming. She's the only reason a certain sequence of words doesn't shove my 'me' down and bring up HYDRA's killing machine."
"This is truly a remarkable nation. In some ways, it reminds me of Asgard, but in other ways...it is more what Asgard aspired to be than what we were able to achieve."
Bucky nods, "Yeah, there's not a whole lot of places like Wakanda – they're pretty closed off from the rest of the world and their focus is entirely inward. But that means they take care of each other before reaching out to anybody else."
"Asgard saw itself as a militaristic protector of others, duty-bound to be the peacemaker and bond between all the other realms. But the wealth of the nation came from blood and I've only just started to truly understand how deep that river flows," Loki adds.
"Not everything steeped in blood is irredeemable, Loki," Bucky says, "You and I both know that."
Loki sighs, "I do. But Asgard is gone and so we have to reinvent ourselves. I don't know what New Asgard looks like. I don't know that I want to."
"Give it a chance." Something beeps in the cottage and Bucky grumbles as he gets to his feet, "Damnit, I hate that ringtone." He walks away from the fire, "Sorry, but that's the US of A and I have to take this call. Feel free to hang around, but I understand if you head off. Government agents and lawyers are both long-winded." He turns toward the door and calls to the phone to answer the call as it closes behind him.
Loki doesn't stay after he's finished his tea.
With his time with Bucky coming to a close, Loki withdraws further, trying to make the loss less painful. As his nightmares intensify, he comes to the conclusion that he is losing his reasons to live – the only person who understands his trauma is leaving and his own mind is an intolerable place to be. He makes the decision to end his own life. He fabricates justifications as to why the lives of his friends will be better off without him.
Thor has several new friends and speaks of a bright future for New Asgard in which he is excited to take part. Sometimes he seems to forget to include Loki in his description of the future. One part of Loki says this is because Thor just defines any future of New Asgard as automatically having Loki in it, so there is no need to specifically name him. But the other part of his mind says it is because Thor doesn't need him and, given Loki's many deaths, hasn't envisioned an Asgard with Loki in it since his fall from the Bifrost. Valkyrie rules beside Thor now. There is no need for Loki.
He convinces himself that Shuri will no longer have time for games and for his curiosity as she takes on the mantle of rule. Peter will return home to his life in New York, to other friends his own age and to his duties protecting his community. And neither will have need for Loki, especially not if he were to return to New Asgard so far away from either of them.
It is Sleipnir that almost convinces him to stay. But watching Sleipnir play with Peter and Shuri and seeing how happy he is with them and their gadgets, Loki lets himself believe that his son will thrive without him and will be happy and free in Wakanda. He has people who can play with him, who can meet his needs, and with whom he has fun. He will forget his mother in time as the brightness of the sun and the beauty of this land replaces Asgard's stables and the cramped spacecraft in his memory. He would not be as happy in New Asgard, Loki reasons. He will make sure to leave a letter indicating Sleipnir should stay in Wakanda.
A little at a time, Loki talks himself out of his reasons to stay.
Satisfied that this ending will be better than continuing to shoulder the trauma that keeps him awake at night and creeps into his thoughts if he's not carefully distracting himself, he makes his plan and bides his time until he thinks he won't be interrupted. The others are gathering to learn about an upcoming Wakandan holiday. Loki tells Thor he isn't ready to attend any sort of celebration and would rather stay in and rest after yet another sleepless night. Worried, Thor tries to convince him to attend anyway – this is just learning, not anything more, and he will know everyone present. But Loki still refuses and Thor leaves.
Loki sits on the floor a little away from his bed, predicting where he can sit so his blood won't stain the bedding. He's already moved the rugs out of the way and tried to think about which way it might pool and spread. His hosts have been kind to him in life and he doesn't want to inconvenience them with his death.
Loki has considered a few methods to take his own life and ultimately came back to his beloved daggers. Which part of his body to puncture had also been a matter for his internal debate. He'd considered his heart and falling on the blade, his wrists, and even his own throat. Despite his inability to even let someone else touch his neck and the fear that grips his chest when his own collar is too snug, this is the area he's chosen. It will, in a way, be one last way to reclaim his body from Thanos' destruction. It will be fast, he reasons, and one good swipe might be enough to do the job without failure. He presses his fingers to his throat and finds his pulse. He takes up his dagger in his other hand and rests the sharp edge against his skin. He winces, anticipating the pain that's coming. He takes his hand from his pulse and presses it over the blade, guiding it under his jaw, tracing the path it should take backward. He feels it slice into his fingers. He takes a deep breath and, as he lets it out, jams his hand against the blade, shoving it into his neck, and tears it forward. He doesn't know how deeply he's sliced or if he's managed to do enough damage to die, but the pain and the blood are enough to convince him it will be over soon.
He doesn't hear the knock on the door.
"Hey, Loki? Want to walk to Wakanda college with me?" Bucky asks, using the phrase they've been jokingly calling their lessons on Wakandan history and culture. When he doesn't hear an answer, he knocks again. "Loki? You in there?" He wonders if he should leave, but something tells him to try the doorknob. It isn't locked and he opens the door. He pauses. It's too quiet. "Loki? You OK?"
He hears something thud in the bedroom and jogs through the sitting room, "Shit, shit, shit," he says, knowing his instincts are right and that something is very wrong. He opens the bedroom door and finds Loki crumpled on the floor in an expanding pool of his own blood. "Fucking hell..." He scrambles to the bedside table and slams a panic button hidden under the edge, thankful it is in the same place in every bedroom in the palace. He drops to the floor next to Loki and carefully inspects his body, horrified by the deep gash on his throat. It doesn't take him long to figure out what happened. He tears off his t-shirt and wads it up to press against the wound.
Loki opens his eyes, barely conscious, weakly trying to raise his hands to stop Bucky's attempt to save him, "No...don't," he whispers.
"Not listening. You're not dying today."
"Please..."
Bucky shakes his head, "Damnit, Loki, no! You're staying with me, you got that? I'm not letting you go."
"But..."
Bucky takes Loki's hand, "You're going to live, if only to spite every son of a bitch who made you feel like you couldn't." Loki closes his eyes and sighs. "Don't you dare fucking die on me."
"What if...I...want to?"
"Then I'm going to tell you too bad, we're going to find a reason for you not to want to."
They hear the door slam open and footsteps hurrying into the rooms. A medical team rushes to the bedroom and the flurry of activity leaves no space for Bucky Barnes. They order him out of the way and he moves to the corner, watching as they sedate and stabilize Loki, frantically working to stop the bleeding before they move him. He's entirely unconscious when they take him to the infirmary. Bucky sits down at the small coffee table in the outer room by the window as he tries to think through what just happened. There is a piece of paper on it with a pen set at a deliberate angle across it. Bucky picks it up and unfolds it. He skims it and realizes it is Loki's last wishes. He sighs and starts over, reading it from start to finish.
A cleanup crew comes in and Bucky stays long enough to convince them to give him Loki's daggers instead of confiscating them. He takes them back to his own room, carefully cleans them, and puts them with his own weapons before he grabs clean clothes and washes Loki's blood from where it soaked through. He heads to the infirmary to see if Loki is still alive.