Summary: Alzack and Bisca need couple's therapy just as much as any other couple…or not….

Pairings: Alzack/Bisca

YouTube Prompt: A tribute to Gray from Juvia's perspective to 'Simply the Best' by Tina Turner.

Having been a couples councillor for fifteen years (despite her single status that long outlived her career) Dr Smith had become acquainted with many different types of couples and could tell when a marriage was on a verge of a breakdown.

She had seen couples that struggle because of a loss of a child or were unfaithful to one another or fought often due to financial difficulties or simply could never live together and should have never married.

They were never happy.

Unlike this couple sitting before her.

They were cuddling on her sofa – yes, cuddling! – with great, big, matching, radiant grins on their faces and they gazed sickeningly into each other's eyes.

"So," Dr Smith coughed politely, "what exactly brings you to couples counselling?"

"Oh!" the beautiful, green-haired woman said dismissively with a radiant smile. "Nothing much!"

"We just heard that every good couple should go for a tune up," the dark-haired man grinned stupidly as he gazed adoringly into his wife's face, "and I wouldn't want us to get rusty."

"Oh trust me," his wife purred out, "we're in no danger of that anytime soon."

They then leaned into one another on the verge of kissing – and most likely ripping each other clothes off judging by the lustful glaze in their eyes – when Dr Smith hastily coughed uncomfortably. The couple leaped apart with sheepish smiles on their faces as they offered weak titters of amusement.

Dr Smith was not impressed.

"Well," she said curtly, "I can see your sex life is in no danger. Is there any other reason you feel insecure about your relationship? Any arguments that have made a reoccurrence?"

"None that I can think of," the husband said soppily, "I feel very secure in our relationship."

"Yes," the wife agreed happily, "it's like a warm fuzzy safe blanket that gives the best sex."

Dr Smith coughed uncomfortably again at that. "Anything from the outside driving a wedge between you?" she asked quickly, determined to keep this as professional as possible despite the fact her patience was wearing out quickly. If there was nothing wrong why were these people here?! To rub it in that she didn't have a relationship whatsoever? "Any losses? Grieve or financial hardship has often been a cause of relationship problems?"

"Oh we've had our obstacles," the husband said solemnly, "we lost majority of our guild eight years ago which led to a decline in jobs and we were on the verge of poverty at one point."

"Had to sell our first reward as partners in order to buy our daughter the medicine she needed," the wife said softly, "but then our guild came back!" she said brightly. "It turned out they weren't dead at all! And our fortunes have made a great turn around."

"Yes, we persevered and became stronger as ever before. And our daughter brought back our first reward by doing her first few jobs as a mage!" her husband chimed in equally cheerfully. "She's so adorable! See!" he pulled out a picture of a cute toddler in a cowboy hat and the biggest grin on her face. "As pretty as her mother!"

"Oh don't!" The wife flushed. "You're embarrassing me!"

"It's simply the truth!"

They looked to be on the verge of kissing again and Dr Smith really didn't want her sofa to be defiled any further than it had been (she had a couple in here last week for pre-martial advice and left for one bloomin minute before she came back to find the girl's knickers flung over her lamp. Urgh.) "Any terrible habits that drive each other mad?" she interrupted loudly. "Anything that causes a disruption in your lives?"

"Not at all!" the wife exclaimed. "Alzack doesn't even leave the toilet seat up! He's the very definition of the perfect man."

"Only because you're the very definition of the perfect woman," Alzack replied in a disgustingly dreamy tone, "you inspire me to be my best."

Dr Smith rolled her eyes at that. This was beginning to get nauseating as jealousy burned through her gut. She wished that she had someone to be as revoltingly romantic as this with. Instead all she got to go home to was her ungrateful cat that just licked his crotch whenever she tried to talk to it.

Men! They were pigs no matter what species.

"Oh Al-Al!"

"Bis-Bis!"

They clutched each other's hands in the most twee manner. Sparkles and flowers and love hearts seem to bounce out from them as they leaned in for the most perfect, sweetest, chaste kiss on the lips.

"….Get out of my office," Dr Smith said flatly as she pointed at her door. "Now!"